Strong Enough to Be My Man

Credit

When Pete and I were first married I followed him everywhere around our tiny apartment.  If he was studying in the living room, I'd lay on the couch.  If he was reading a book on our bed, I'd try and read over his shoulder.  It was that way for years, and I think sometimes he felt a little cramped, like he just wanted some space and I just wanted to be close to him. 

When pornography became the third wheel I went through a period of time where it was difficult to be around him.  There was so much hurt and anger.  There was also so much codependency, and it was exhausting to be managing his life for him.  It took all the fun and romance out of my attachment to him. 

Detachment and boundaries (and offspring I suppose), have brought me an independence I never knew before.  I'm okay with my alone time, in fact I love it.  I need it.  It's how I take care of my side of the street. 

Unfortunately, this has come full circle and turned Pete into a raging codependent. 

Where did she go? Why isn't she constantly at my side? Does she still love me? Does she want to be around me?

He has become needy.  He is a black hole for my attention.  I feel like I give and give, and it's never enough.  It has turned into the same kind of desperate, panicked longing I used to feel. 

I used to walk on eggshells.  Now Pete walks on eggshells.

I used to fish for validation.  Now Pete fishes for validation.

I used to guilt him into spending time with me.  He guilts me about... you get the idea. 

With all do respect to all codependents out there. 

Codependency is unattractive people!

I know that I didn't cause Pete's addiction, but I know that before he or I knew what we were doing, my neediness perpetuated his resentments which in turn led to acting out.

Now that I'm on this side of the fence I can see how frustrating it is to feel like someone's happiness is dependent on me.  It is so much pressure to feel like my every word and every move is being overanalyzed and interpreted. 

What does that mean? Is she mad at me?  Why is she ignoring me?

When in fact it meant nothing.  I'm not mad.  Nor am I ignoring him. 

My heart goes out to Pete.  But I've learned the hard way that although my love, affection, attention, admiration are important aspects of our relationship; his happiness and peace need not be held hostage to them.  And what is more attractive and magentic than a person who is secure and emotionally stable enough to emanate that kind of confidence and contentment?

Nothing.

Ask Pete.  He can't get enough of me.  *wink*