The last couple nights as I've crawled into bed I've struggled to fight back the tears of despair.
I loved this quote from a woman named Julie who did a guest post on Jacy's blog. She said
"People often ask me how I handle so many trials. I usually respond with something like, I didn’t know I had any other option."
Exactly. What is the alternative? Ending up in a psychiatric hospital on suicide watch? And friends, I don't say that in a derogatory way. A human soul can only handle so much before that starts to seem like a reasonable alternative. Thankfully I'm not to that point, I'm coping. But when people say
"I don't know how you do it." I feel like I have no other option.
At least that's what I thought. When I tried to tell myself that I was strong I didn't know how or what that meant. Then I had breakthrough. A couple nights ago I knelt at my beside, with a choice before me.
1. Plunge into the despair. Let it overtake me. Grab the Kleenex box and weep over my misfortune.
2. Let it go. Forget about it, at least for now. Don't give into the despair. Don't shed one tear.
I realized that if I was going to choose the second option it was going to take something... I was going to have to be strong. I needed intellectual and emotional strength to let it go. But I felt weak. I thought of all the people I admire, and how they have chosen not to dwell in darkness and I decided that that night there were going to be no tears.
It was truly liberating and empowering. I felt strong.
I know I'm not always going to succeed. The next night I had to do it again. I didn't cry but I still allowed self-pity to occupy my thoughts until I fell asleep. But I know I have strength within me, and my other option isn't insanity.
It's peace and purpose.