Last night I stood in a room of 30-40 men in suits. I felt a bizarre combination of total intimidation and quiet confidence. Last week my stake president invited me (and then Pete agreed as well) to speak at the bishopric training meeting. [This is a meeting for local church leaders and their assistants.]
It sounds totally cliché but I really did envision all of you in the room with me. I wanted to have my moment to represent us, to share the hope of recovery and to encourage these men to better understand what more they can do. I would like to post what I said, but honestly right now I feel so exposed I feel like crawling in a cave and isolating.
After such a bold personal confession it's hard for me to not feel insatiable for validation. Did my words help? Did these men approve of my message? Was I effective? Do they admire my courage? Friends, I'm so hooked on validation my life is unmanagable.
Later in the evening Pete got a text from a member of our own ward who is also a good friend. He thanked us and said he still admired us as much as he had before he knew our deepest secret. (Not his words exactly.)
Go ahead and laugh out loud, but I felt like he was the one leper.
So ridiculous right?
There were several men in the room who know us personally and I find myself wondering where are they? Why haven't they texted/emailed/called to support us?
So I'm working on that. And when I can be sure that I'm not sharing just to appease my validation appetite, I'll talk about what I said last night.
But thanks to you all who were with me in my heart. Thanks to Pete for his gesture of courage. It felt really good to be united with him in something.
Have a fantastic Labor Day Weekend friends.