Is Your Husband Still Using?!

When I find myself obsessing about Pete's addiction there is a question I'm dying to ask all my WoPA friends. I want to call them up, spreadsheet at hand, and ask them all 

When was the last time your husband looked at porn?  And when was the time before that?

You know that feeling, when you're thinking that if you could just get your questions answered you would surely feel better about life?  If I could just hear that other husbands were still relapsing, surely I would find acceptance and peace.  

Fortunately I've made some progress and I don't obsess about Pete's addiction too often.  But Pete is still relapsing.  Sometimes he is sober for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and other times he can go months without acting out.  

And here I am, still learning lessons about how I am powerless over Pete's addiction.  About how I can. not. make. him. change.  No matter how subtle I get in my codependency.  Last night I asked my therapist if I needed sobriety in my marriage.  He told me that he couldn't answer that, I would have to decide for myself.  To which I responded 

"I think I'm going to decide I need it."  

"Okay Jane.  But just remember, that if you need sobriety in your marriage, you might have to leave your marriage.  Because you are not getting it."  

Immediately I saw what I was doing.  I was giving myself another shot at changing Pete.  I was thinking-  If I tell Pete that I need sobriety in our marriage, then he'll have to get sober.  By golly THAT will be the thing that will make him sober. But it won't.  

In Al-Anon they teach that relationships can exist when the addict is still using.  This is really difficult for me.  But I'm exploring it.  It looks like this: 

Old boundary: If Pete acts out we don't have sex for one week. 

New boundary:  If I don't feel present and connected with Pete, I decline sexual advances. 

Old boundary: If Pete is acting like an addict, I emotionally and physically detach. 

New boundary: If Pete is unpleasant, unkind or grumpy, I don't need to be around him.  I can make my own plans, do my own thing.  

Old boundary: If Pete has a relapse, he sleeps in another room. 

New boundary: If Pete has a relapse and I feel upset, I practice self-care.  

This new way of having a relationship with Pete is terrifying and liberating at the same time.  It's terrifying because I am relinquishing so much [artificial/percieved] control.  But it's liberating because  I don't have to analyze his behavior looking for signs of recovery or addiction.  I just go with my gut, use my feelings to gauge how much I can trust and connect, and go with it. 

It doesn't mean that I approve of Pete using porn.  It doesn't mean that I'm in denial about his addiction.  It just means that I'm accepting my reality. I'm making a deliberate choice about having a relationship with my husband that is vulnerable and has inherent risk.  And I'm honest about how I can not manage his behavior.  

Conundrum

Saatchi Online

Two years ago Pete and I concluded that he had an addiction to pornography.  He took a couple tentative steps toward recovery and I jumped right in.  Adamant that I was only trying to fix myself, and not him, I embarked on my recovery journey.  It has been life changing and I’m no longer the person I was.  But in the last couple months I’ve felt confused. 

“What the heck? After everything I’ve done in the last two years, why is my husband still looking at porn and masturbating?”

I’ve set boundaries and enforced them. I’ve set them and buckled on them.  I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve attended 12 step meetings and worked program.  I’ve done a 30 in 30 and I’ve had various sponsor figures.  I’ve been on a forum and Facebook, I’ve met other WoPA in real life.  I’ve read books and articles.  A new bank account.  Pack-up-and-leave with the kids for the weekend.  Opened up to friends.  Asked for blessings.  Doubted my faith. Found it again.  Detached in a million different ways.  Sexual abstinence.  Sleeping in separate rooms.  Counsel with the stake president. 

“What the heck? After everything I’ve done in the last two years, why is my husband still looking at porn and masturbating?”

I’ve given advice to other women to “Put their foot down”.  No more enabling.  No more tolerance.  No more acceptance of this unacceptable behavior in my marriage.   I’ve gathered evidence and watched Pete’s valiant (at times) efforts at recovery.   

The next logical step is separation right? It’s the only “boundary” I haven’t tried, right?

The truth is, I don’t want a divorce.  The truth is I don’t even want a separation.

I guess the awful truth is, I AM willing to live in a marriage with pornography. 

This makes me feel weak and pathetic.  It makes me feel like I’m enabling his addiction.  This makes me feel like a hypocrite. 

I used to boast that I would no longer accept a mediocre relationship.  And here I am, openly admitting to you that I am accepting a mediocre relationship.  And sadly, at this point it’s worse than mediocre.  It is sapped of connection, vulnerability and affection.  It is apparently the only safe way Pete and I can coexist in this addiction infected marriage. 

“WHAT THE HECK? AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, WHY IS MY HUSBAND STILL LOOKING AT PORN?”

Pearl Harbor

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We had just stepped off the ferry that brought us back from the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor.  Despite the glowing sunlight and the surrounding beaches it was a somber place.  Over a thousand men slumber in the watery grave beneath the memorial, interred in their sunken ship.  I was feeling subdued.  Pete needed to use the restroom so he handed me his wallet and I headed to the information booth to buy tickets for a tour of the U.S.S. Missouri.   His card wasn't signed so the ticket girl asked for I.D.  It was Pete's card, and obviously I look nothing like Pete so she asked me to just step to the side until he returned from the restroom so he could sign the receipt.  There wasn't anyone else is line and so I just waited there at the counter.

I waited and waited.  Feeling terribly awkward I gradually inched away from the counter.  The girl talked to other employees in the booth and I avoided eye contact.  The minutes seemed to drag on like hours and my imagination began to run wild.  I remembered a post Pete wrote just a month ago.  There have only been two or three times that Pete hasn't been immediately forthcoming with disclosures, but our trip to Washington D.C. a couple years ago fell during that time.  So he told me about what he was going to write in his post just the night before he wrote it. 

In other words, I learned just weeks before, for the first time, that Pete had masturbated in the restroom of one of the most somber places in our nation.  And here we were, thousands of miles away, the seconds ticking by as Pete lingered in the men's room at Pearl Harbor.  I felt a knot in my stomach and my heart started to race.   The sun felt hotter and I was sure the girl at the ticket counter was watching my developing anxiety attack with fascinated intrigue. 

It felt like forever when Pete emerged.  He signed the receipt and saw my distress.  I told him why I'd felt nervous and he apologized and chalked it up to a busy restroom and the fact that bowel movements can't be rushed.  I bought it. 

Last night I laid out some boundaries for Pete.  The last of which was a statement that I would not travel or vacation alone with him for one year.  I love to travel, and he and I have both loved planning trips with his frequent flyer miles.  This was a painful boundary to set, and will be harder to enforce.  But our romantic getaways are starting to make painful triggers for me, and I don't want every historical  landmark in the country or world to elicit memories of the escapades of a sex addict. 

After I rolled over to go to sleep I was bombarded with those pesky thoughts that haunt us WoPA [INSANITY] and I started to put together some pieces to a puzzle. I felt like a detective gathering evidence.  I realized that the morning of the day we spent at Pearl Harbor was the morning Pete went to the sex shop.  He really WAS masturbating in the restroom I thought.  I blurted it out in a question

"WERE you masturbating in the bathroom at Pearl Harbor?"

"No." He said. 

He sounded wounded and defeated from our boundary conversation and I believed him.  Until I didn't believe him.  And there is no way I can ever know for sure.  And although he is usually honest, he isn't always honest.  He had plenty of reasons to lie, and it felt like no reason to tell the truth.  I'll never really know I guess. 

The other day I was talking on the phone to my brother.  He had called to ask about our trip but we had gotten distracted exchanging depressing stories about people we both knew who had committed fraud or had extra-marital affairs.  He wondered aloud about what was going wrong in lives of our friends, good people, that caused them to make uncharacteristic mistakes.

"They just don't take trips with their wife to Hawaii I guess!" He said as a joke.  I laughed.  But it hurt.  Because they do. 

Expectations

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I have a sister in another city who has a gift for making me feel like pond scum.  I know she loves me, and occasionally she writes me thoughtful messages even expressing the ways she admires me.  And yet, nearly every time we get together she says something critical or condescending that knocks the wind out of me, emotionally speaking. 

Surrounding these painful and often awkward moments there are fantastic memories.  This same sister also has a gift for making me laugh, and when we were kids we would always get the giggles at family prayer. When we get together we can talk for hours and we understand each other in a way only siblings do. 

But each time after our separation I am haunted and hurt by whatever cruel thing she said to me.  I weep over my disappointment that my sister, who is supposed to love and cherish me, could be so terribly unkind. 

"Each time you approach a visit with your sister, with the expectation that she is going to be sensitive to you and masterfully overcome her character frailties and personal insecurities that cause her to be unkind, you will likely be painfully disappointed when she inevitably says something judgmental."  says my counselor.

*******************

In AA they say that an expectation is a premeditated resentment.

I know that when it comes to the language of addiction, a lot of it is just semantics.  But my "expectations" are killing me.  I'm done with expectations. I'm done "expecting" people (including Pete) to be a certain way or "expecting" them to meet my needs.  I love the Courage to Change book, and this articulates me feelings perfectly.

"Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread.  Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill or overwhelmed.  While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down."

And no one fails to live up to my expectations more than myself.  And in disappointment with myself some of my greatest resentments are born.  By releasing myself and the people in my life from my expectations, I can accept them for who they are, today.

"Today the [addict] may or may not be able to give us what we deserve. And no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips."

Don't get me wrong, I believe in boundaries.  I think by changing my mental vernacular to make my boundaries less about expectations and more about myself and my responses to my circumstances, I am more able to let go of my futile efforts to change other people. 

I have a friend who focuses a lot of her recovery on her values.  I'm not totally familiar with this model, but I like it.  And I like it because I can replace my expectations with my values.

Instead of saying to Pete 

"I expect you to attend recovery meetings." 

I can say

"I value recovery.  My relationship with you will thrive when you attend recovery meetings." 

Why does it matter? It matters at this point because I have no control over him.  I can only control me.  And I've already decided how I'm going to live/be whether or not he values recovery meetings like I do. 

I've spent my adult life "expecting" my family to be kind, accepting and compassionate, and been broken hearted every time they have not lived up to my expectations.  I value relationships with kindness, acceptance and compassion.  And I can do my best to offer those things to my loved ones.  But I don't have to let my love and gratitude for my family members be held hostage to my own unmet expectations of them.  

********************
 So my therapist counsels me. 

"Go visit your sister.  Laugh with her and be vulnerable.  But don't set her up for failure by "expecting" her to meet your criteria for what a sister should be.  Accept her and enjoy her.  When she says something that is cruel, tell her that it hurts. [Boundary.] And then go right on letting her work out her own weaknesses before God." 

(As a side note- if my sister had no redeeming qualities to offer our relationship, or if what she said was unbearably cruel or consistantly negative, I think it would be totally appropriate to not spend time with her as a boundary.  I don't believe that relinquishing expectations means accepting bad behavior.  It just means not trying to change a person to meet my needs. I am blessed with other women and friends who can offer me love and friendship. I can let my sister be who she is, today.)

#isuckatclevertitles

Amazing Art Credit

I've had boundary thoughts floating around in my brain for weeks now.  But I haven't been able to form a coherent thought process.  Marlee wrote a post about detaching and I felt like finally in my comment on her post I was able to spit something out.  So I'll give a little backround, and then paste the comment below.  It's nothing eloquent, but you get what you pay for around here. 

 

At the first of the year Pete was on shaky ground. I was a little bit in the dark about exactly how shaky, but I knew I felt uneasy and disconnected from him emotionally.  Up to this point, we had been trying a method for nurturing our sexual relationship which included sex two predetermined nights a week.  On Sunday night, we each chose a night.  This had been working for awhile, but when addiction started creeping back in I began to feel confused about our intimacy.  I thought about it for several days, and one morning after a long and heartfelt prayer I scribbled the following words on a piece of paper. 

 

"I want a sexual relationship free of lust driven addiction.  It may never be perfect, but it can at least be free of porn.  I want a sexual relationship free of pornography. "

 

That was good enough, but I am not a woman of few words so I scrawled a bit more.

 

"This "2x/week sex nights" is meant to help us establish a healthy sexual relationship, but we can't do that on a faulty foundation.  I need to feel safe.  I need to be confident sexually, to be sure I am not just being your drug, giving you your fix.  We can't use sex to make things better.  Things have to be better first."

 

I didn't give Pete the paper, but I told him in as many words and he responded well. 

 

That's the background. Here is my comment on Marlee's post.

 

I can totally relate to this, except with the roles reversed. For so long, Pete told me his feelings in a way that I felt guilted and manipulated. So then he quit telling me his feelings altogether. But I didn't like that either. I've learned that it is really important for him to share his feelings (ideally in a non-manipulative, but honest and sincere way.) And the way I detach is by hearing his feelings without making it personal to me, or letting it influence me or make me feel guilty.

So we are currently in a period of sexual abstinence and the other night Pete said to me "This is really hard for me." He said more, but you get the point. He said it without any intention of trying to get me to change my mind, or feel badly about what I'd initiated, or apologize or pander. He just said it. And MIRACULOUSLY I was able to listen without doing any of those things. I didn't get defensive, I didn't argue my position, I just heard him. And even understood with a little dose of compassion. "I'm sure it IS hard. Thanks for being patient."
I know that we are both still missing the mark sometimes, but it was definitely a milestone for us.

Jane attempts a book review

 

Order Online at salifeline.org

 

We are into February now and I'm failing and nearly all my New Year's resolutions. Sigh.  Except I DID give up sugar for a month and I DID read two books in January.  The first was Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen and I loved every page of it.  Since I'm so successful at resolutions, I've resolved to be more like the ever-humble Fanny Price. 

 

The second book arrived in my mailbox with just enough time to finish it in February.  It was this book, by Rhyll Croshaw. 

 

Now for an embarrassing confession.  Up to this point I've never read a book about recovery.  I hope Rhyll and any other authors [who will probably never read this] can forgive give me, but I'm always a bit cynical when people turn their tragedy into a royalty-earning paperback. 

 

Ouch. I know that was awful.

 

But I genuinely believe that Rhyll means to help, and not to financially gain by this.  And like Melody Beattie and others, they have a gift for understanding that blesses many lives when they share.  Including mine.  I really liked this book. 

 

I liked this book because I felt like it summarized in a practical way some of the most important discoveries I've made in the last two years.  And all in one place!  It is straightforward, it is easy to understand.  She articulates well, and I feel like she reaches the common denominator.  It's not written by a scientist, or a journalist, or even a psychologist.  It's written by a WoPA. 

I don't really know what else to say, except don't take my word for it.  Read it.  It's not too long, it's easy to intellectually digest, and you can write notes to yourself all over it. I will share a few of my favorite quotes.

 

"The bar has been raised for us.  We no longer are content with a parallel relationship; we are working towards a unified, synergistic relationship..."

 

"When we have clear boundaries, we will not find it necessary to explain why we are doing something or why we are not doing something."

 

"We must stop being afraid of our addict husbands. We must look up to God with courage and faith. Our Heavenly Father does not condone the behaviors associated with sexual addiction, and He does not want His daughters to enable it."

 

"Forgiveness is a gift that I give to my soul...it is not conditioned upon apologies or restitutions on the part of the offender."

 

And lastly,

 

"Caring for ourselves expresses our appreciation to God by our careful stewardship of His creation - life." 

 

There are several other thoughts I'll probably write about in the future.  But in the meantime, read the book. 

 

 

Post Edit: In the back she has a few pages of what she calls "Road Maps" that I think are really helpful in determining if your husband is in recovery, and likewise if YOU are in recovery. It's good stuff.  

Breakthrough post-breakdown

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Pete left town for a couple days this week.  We were at an impasse.  We weren't speaking about anything above and beyond chirping smoke detectors and schedules.  While he was gone I don't think we spoke at all.

It was a painful few days for me.  One night I found myself melting into a puddle of despair and tears on the living room floor.  I needed to have a good cry. 

Eventually (with the help of fantastic friends), I came to terms with the fact that it was okay for me to have boundaries and to detach, no matter what Pete said to me or how he responded.  I was prepared to have this thing go unresolved, to disagree indefinitely.  In my mind that meant more detaching, more protecting, more distance. 

Before Pete left town he had another relapse.  A day of discouragement and apathy.  But his binge left him feeling sick, and humble and he took his time alone for a chance to get right with God.  And me. When he returned we sat on the couch and he talked.  He apologized.  He was vulnerable.  He articulated thoughts that gave me understanding, but he also validated me.  It wasn't manipulative, it wasn't coercive.  It was as if I could see his soul. 

I feel so blessed that things took this turn.  I know that it doesn't always work that way.  Sometimes when we turn our will over to the Lord, things unfold just the way we hoped they would.  But sometimes they don't.  Sometimes the Lord has a different plan. 

Regardless, I know that this whole addiction bit is like an onion, peeling away layer after complicated layer.  I'm grateful that Pete is peeling away with me for now.  Because man it reeks and stings. 

Post #4,753 about Detachment

So in the words of Chantel, "How do you handle people who manipuate you?"

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I've been thinking and reading up on boundaries again and this is what I found:

BOUNDARIES:
"Boundaries are guidelines that we establish to define reasonable, safe and acceptable limits concerning the actions of others... We resolve that we should be treated with love, dignity and respect.  We have the courage to say "no" to demands by our addicted loved ones [or just our friends and family] that are not in our own or their best interest.  We have a right to protect ourselves and choose to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.  'We are seeking to allow less pain, chaos... and negative engery in our lives.'"  (Healing Through Christ 12-Step manual)

Allowing my little sister to yell at me and say cruel things was not only harmful to me, it was harmful to her.  My responsibility was not only to protect myself from her hurtful words, but to give her an opportunity to stop treating me in a way that was not in her best interest either. 

So what should I have done? I think it might be unreasonable to expect a 15 year old to have the maturity to handle it this way, but ideally I would have said to her

"I will not listen to you speak to me that way."  And walk away. 

The tricky part about all this for me is that, like Chantel, I want to correct people.  I can't just walk away because I feel compelled to offer a lengthy explanation of the faults in their behavior and the reasoning behind mine.  But my #1 rule for boundaries is that I can't set boundaries for other people, I can only set them for myself. 

So when it comes to Pete, I have to be okay with the boundaries I set, even if he never agrees with them.  As long as I am confident that they are in my best interest, and that I'm right with God, I can cease with the desperate attempts at persuading him that they are in HIS best interest too. 

For example, I can say to Pete

"I can not be part of your chaos.  When you are agitated or irritable, I have to detach."

Again from the manual,

"Detachment... means that we don't deplete our inner resources by struggling with something that is beyond our power to accomplish." 

Pete's mood is beyond my power to change.  This doesn't mean that I won't talk to him or interact with him, just that I won't do anything to try to change him or his behavior.  I won't manipulate.  Nor will I allow him to turn to me to try to make things better for him. When things ARE better for him, when he has found it within himself to restore his peace, then I can feel safe being emotionally invested in him again. 

When I shared my 4th Step Inventory with my sponsor we talked for awhile about my family and my resentments toward them.  She said to me

"Let them be who they are."

I struggle so much with wishing Pete would "let me be where I am."  The least I can do is offer him the same courtesy.  It is in the best interest of my peace and serenity to surrender all the manipulators in my life over to God.  It is between Him and them to sort out their issues. 

And because I'm still a little hung up on justifying my detachment, a quote from Alicia who sums it up well for me.

"The truth is: It's hard for me to invest fully in something when I know it isn't solid. I can't blindfold myself to uncertainty and carelessly throw my cash in the pile. I'm going to get hurt again. My heart is going to get broken again. I'm going to grapple with the harness of betrayal again.  I'm only doing today what I feel is right to do today."

We Teach People How to Treat Us

Before I dive in here, thank you so much everyone for the love and support.  I've been feeling so lonely lately and your words help so much.

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My counselor told me once that "we train people how to treat us." I knew what she meant but for some reason it didn't resonate with me.  She says a lot during an hour and I usually only walk away with one or two things to focus on. But it came up as we were discussing an "argument" I'd had with my mom where my mom was using guilt to try to change my point of view.

I've been thinking about it much more lately, about how we teach people that they can get what they want/think-they-need from us by treating us a certain way.  In other words, they find our achilles heel and exploit it to get the validation/attention/forgiveness they think they need.  It doesn't really work, it's a total lose-lose for both parties, but I'll get to that in a minute.

When I was a teenager I fought often with my younger sister.  I'm not the type to throw out cruel, cutting remarks in an argument, but my sister was. 

[By the way, I KNOW that at least on a subconscious level I manipulate the people I love most to get what I want.  For example- a conversation with my sensitive little boy where I pout and say "It makes Mommy really sad when you don't obey.  Do you want to make Mommy really sad?"]

Anyway...

My sister would hurt me terribly in our arguments.  My entire family knows that I am prone to guilt, I need words of affirmation and I have a sensitive conscience.  After a big fight my little sister would come to me and say "Why are you mad at me? I hate it when you're mad at me."

I'd melt like chocolate and we would reconcile.  There was rarely an apology, just a sly maneuver on her part to get me to concede.  But the truth was, I didn't really forgive her, in fact I resented her. But because I tolerated her behavior, I was in a way responsible for her repeatedly using this tactic against me.  No, I'm not to blame for her selfish choices, but I'd at least led her to believe that this method of hers worked.  

I had a painful realization the other night that I've trained Pete too.  He knows me better than anyone.  He knows how effective guilt can be in getting me to concede. 

This is really hard to write because I know he will read it and I know it might make him hurt or angry. 

The other night it was two days post relapse, Pete was grumpy, stomping around the house a bit.  He came to me looking for validation, he tried to hug me and I turned him away.  It was a boundary.  I couldn't hug him when he was acting like that.  He got mad.

At first I wanted to say

"I'm sorry. Come back.  I'll hug you! I'm sorry!" 

in a crazy codepedent way. Don't make him mad. Don't hurt his feelings.  It's YOUR job to love and support him, cheer him up, etc.

This post is getting long so I'll cut to the chase.

It was scary when I realized that it's not okay for people to talk to me the way my little sister used to talk to me.  It's not okay for people to guilt me into anything.  I have to teach people to treat me with respect. I have to teach them a new way to treat me that is non-coercive and accepting.  This means saying things that my whole life I've been so scared to say. 

"You can not talk to me this way." 

"I can not do that for you.  I'm sorry."

"Thank you for sharing.  You might be right.  We can talk about it later."

But even harder still, being able to walk away.  No more begging.  No more pandering.  No more sobbing to manipulate back. 

Manipulation might provide immediate results, but it feels hollow because it is so insincere.  It is desperate and forceful.  It fosters resentments and makes communication unclear.  Last night at group meeting a friend told me

"Now that my husband has been sober for two years he says that when he looks back on the way he treated me it's like those Claritin commercials.  All of the sudden it's so much clearer.  He didn't know that he couldn't see clearly, until he saw clearly."

D-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt

I've been thinking a lot lately about what you do when your husband isn't acknowledging that there is a problem, or when he's refusing to seek recovery.  This is what I came up with.

1- Educate Yourself.  Knowledge is truly power.  I gained confidence as I learned things about addiction.  Science, facts, experiences that I read about were my weapons, or my shield in battle.  I don't mean battle like knock-down-drag-out shouting wars, but the battle of apathy, reluctance and pride that I was fighting with my husband.  Just as a warning though- Definitely do this in moderation, it's easy to become obsessed and spend excessive time researching.   And spare yourself the details of pornography itself.  It's ugly, and curiosity about it can lead you to places that might haunt you. 

2- Detach.  This is a frequent topic of discussion so I won't go into it much here, but once you've decided that you are not okay with pornography as the third wheel in your relationship with your husband, it will be impossible to not let your relationship be affected.  Maybe say something like this:

"I am not comfortable with your use of pornography.  It makes me feel inadequate, lonely, betrayed, disgusted, afraid and ___________ (insert feeling here).  So long as you choose to participate in pornography you are choosing to have a mediocre relationship with me." 

3. Set Boundaries:  This is another frequent topic so I'll be brief.  A woman in my support group told me that her husband evolved from a pornography addiction to a gambling addiction.  The first thing she did when she found out (well experienced in boundaries)  was march down to the bank and seperate her name from all his accounts.   

4. Don't Enable:   How do you know if you are enabling?  Are you funding it? Are you protecting him from pain?  Are you lying for him? Here is a quote from the Healing Through Christ manual:

"We enable our addicted loved ones when we feel guilty for not helping them or when we interfere

with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors. These behaviors are misguided ways of demonstrating love and kindness towards our loved ones."

5. Talk About It:  This one is hard.  For some of us, we know that broaching the subject is like inviting a torado to blow through the house, and we spend days trying to clean up the emotional wreckage.  But ignoring an addiction is a form of enabling, and so here are my sub-tips:

             A. Brace Yourself.  It's probably not going to go well.  He will likely get defensive and angry.

             B. It's NOT ABOUT YOU.  Ignore the lies he says.  He will blame-shift, manipulate.  He may not even do it out of anger, he may seem calm, or sarcastic and act like it's funny.  He might make you feel like you're being silly, ridiculous.  He might say you are over-reacting.  Just remember, your feelings are valid.  He is scared/overwhelmed/ashamed/frustrated, but those feelings come from guilt and from addiction, not from you.    

            C.  Don't Engage.  Don't make it a fight.  Be strong and if you need to- walk away.  {I'm SO terrible at this!}  It'll be tempting to defend yourself, but for awhile he will probably be irrational and unreasonable.  When you sense that he is unreachable, let it go. Drop it. Walk away.

            D.  Keep Bringing it Up.  Say what?! I know, now you're thinking, what's the point of bringing it up if he never listens?  It just makes us mad at each other... it just hurts me...

A quote- (Sorry I can't remember the website I got it from):

Sam Waldner emphasizes that typically the person needs to hear a repeated message (with specific observations) from family and friends that they are seeing a problem. While this information will likely not serve as an immediate stimulus to seek help, the repetition of the overall message can help to counter the "powerful and long-maintained" element of denial.

Lastly...

6. Stay Positive in the Meantime: There are reasons you fell in love with this man.  There are also many other things in life to be grateful for.  Try not to be consumed by this issue.  Enjoy the happy moments, look for the silver lining, try to foster happy thoughts.   There IS hope for him, AND you.  

Good luck! And please, share your stories.

Control

Pete had a rough week.  He becomes vulnerable during the holidays or times when he doesn't go to work and follow his daily routine.  What is the saying? Idleness is the devil's playground? 

After warning me that he was struggling with his thoughts, I was on guard, but the day before Thanksgiving he seemed to be cheering up and pulling out of his rut.  We watched a movie together and then our completely opposite expectations collided. An argument ensued and I saw a side of Pete that is rare and dark.  I felt like he was being strongly influenced by the powers of adversary and he was irrational and angry.  He finally rolled over and fell asleep, but I knew he was in a bad place.

I knew what was going to happen.  I knew that he would wake up and be tempted.  So I determined that I would stay up all night, on guard to protect him from himself.  For hours I lied there, thinking and worrying.  I felt the ugly fear that comes ahead of relapse.  I cried because I was self-pitying.  I felt a sense of hopelessness, that this would be my life forever.

 I only lasted until about 2:30am and then I could no longer keep my eyes open.  In the morning, just as I had expected, Pete confessed.  I sobbed.  I sobbed because it had been so obvious.  It was so predictable, and STILL I could not prevent it.  It wasn't even that I was angry that it had happened, I was just angry at my own helplessness. 

Addiction recovery programs talk about how addictions cause our lives to become unmanagable.  I'm realizing that by allowing my happiness to be dependent on my husband's behavior, I am co-dependent. And my co-dependency is making my life unmanagable.  Al-anon uses a phrase about the Three Cs.   You did not cause it, you can not control it and you are not able to cure it.  I was willing to not sleep an entire night just to control my husband's behavior.  But how many nights after that could I sacrifice sleep to be responsible for him? 

I'm learning about boundaries.  There are boundaries I can set up to help us along the way, like putting safegaurds on the computers.  But some boundaries are asking too much of myself. I need to respect my own well being.  I need to find my own peace despite his choices.  I need to relinquish my desperate desire to "fix" him. 

I need to let go, let God.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.