10 October 2012
Be Careful What You Wish For
If I give you nothing else on this blog, I at least give you honesty. Even though it is an anonymous blog, I still feel embarrassed about some of the things I share here. And for some who I've actually met, it's not anonymous anymore. I'm so grateful to be a person, a friend to some of you, but it makes it more difficult to air my dirty laundry.
On that note I need to make another confession.
The last three months or so have gone really well for Pete. Each period of sobriety has brought us increased understanding and I've watched him discover new ways to LIVE with more happiness, more patience and involvement with our kids, a more compassionate and generous heart, and more kindness toward me and others. Apologies, when necessary, come sooner, and opportunities to serve haven't been taken for granted. It's been nice.
I have even allowed myself to wonder if this was it, if this was his breakthrough. I knew that moments of temptation would come, and sure enough they did. Last week while traveling he had a rough night, full of the chaos that I talked about before. But he pulled through. He recognized that the addiction is still making his life unmanagable but somehow he didn't get give in.
This experience gave me new hope. I started to believe that it was possible for him to refrain, that he is capable, and willing. It made me think that things could be different from here on out.
And then I started to wonder what that meant for me. I've gained such an identity on this blog and in this community. If Pete overomes this ugly beast, will I lose my place here? I know that none of us really want to be in the WoPA club, but now that I've found a niche here, I was worried about losing my spot. What if I can't blog anymore because I have nothing left to say? What if I become an outsider?
My insecurities were clearly getting the best of me. My desperate need to feel important was making me crazy and irrational!
On Monday Pete was out of town again. I called him while I was at Walmart because I knew he'd be heading home soon. He told me that he'd lost a battle in his hotel room. Our conversation was brief, we were both struggling with our emotions and we were both still in public places. As I stood there in the aisle, alone and hurt, my first thoughts were about all the things I just confessed. And then this
"Stupid stupid stupid. To wish for another relapse, just to keep me involved in this WoPA world was so stupid. This hurts. I hate it."
I'm doing pretty well in spite of our setbacks. I see so much progress in myself. But I don't want pornography in my life forever. I just don't. And I feel the same way for each of you. I don't really want anyone to need this blog, including me. It's just another lesson to me that my worth has to be so internalized that I can feel true joy in life's most exciting moments, that my validation comes from within, and not from the ways I can manipulate adversity.
So I'm crossing that lesson off the list. How many more lessons are there before this is all said and done? What yet must I learn?