28 August 2012

♥ my REAL peeps

I had some time Sunday afternoon to myself.  It was quiet and I had been up late Saturday so I decided to take a nap. I made the mistake of taking my smarty-phone with me and...

an hour and a half later...

I got sucked into Facebook.  By the time my kids started emerging from their own naps I was grouchy and irritable.   I know I don't have conscious thoughts of comparison, but I do have thoughts like this:

"Wow.  She looks amazing in that wedding photo.  She's gorgeous.  But that bridesmaid dress is totally immodest."

"That's so awesome that your husband did all those amazing things for your anniversary but why do you need to tell him thank-you on Facebook in front of the whole world, wouldn't it be okay to just give him a kiss and hug and say thanks?" 

Then the negative chatter in my brain starts going non-stop and I felt like crap. I felt so small and insignificant. I felt like I'll never measure up.  I felt like I don't matter.   

Fortunately Sunday night I had group meeting.  It was a really great meeting, one of the best I've been to.  These were the kind of things women said

"My life is in shambles because I found out my husband has been unfaithful.  But I feel hope."

"There is chaos in my home as my husband fights with himself about his addiction.  But I'm not involved and I'm not going crazy anymore."  

It was just so REAL.  And when these women nodded their heads as I shared, and hugged me after the meeting, I felt like I mattered.  I felt loved.  I felt like no one really measures up to what we think they do. 

The truth is, I love my Facebook friends as much as I love my group sisters.  But I feel like between us are these facades, this social pressure to perform in a status update.  Today I thought I said something clever and checked back every few minutes to see if people were "liking".  Why the need for validation?

I'm following some WoPA friends on Instagram and it's been an interesting experience.  Since I know that in their quiet hearts are hidden hurts and struggles, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I never assume they are boasting, I love everything they say and do!  So what stops me from giving my FB friends the benefit of the doubt?  Why do I assume they are boasting?  Why am I constantly annoyed/irritated with their posts? 

I sort of live in the country, and I take back roads home from group meetings.  It was dark and warm Sunday night as I drove and I rolled the windows down.  I felt free and hopeful.  And I had just heard some really sad things. 

Why after I spend and hour and a half reading "happy" things on Facebook do I feel trapped and discouraged?  Why the contrast? 

26 August 2012

A New Normal?

My laptop is dusty.  Literally.  I took the last few weeks of summer to disengage from all things online-pornography-addiction-related.  I still went to meetings, lest I get totally lost. 

I'm sorry if you have emailed me and I haven't responded.  Your thoughtful words are so kind, and appreciated.  I don't mean to be inconsiderate by not responding, I was in a weird place.

There are a couple people in my life that thrive on drama.  You know the types, they love to gossip, especially if it's scandalous or tragic.  They stir the pot, they make mountains out of molehills and inflate and exaggerate to elicit emotional responses.  It is almost sadistic.  Emotionally sadistic.  Not to mention it wreaks havoc on relationships. 

As usual, I've painfully discovered that perhaps the reason these people frustrate me so much is because I am frustrated at the way I see this fault in myself. 

This is difficult to write, FIRST, because it's embarrassing to admit.  But SECONDLY, because, to those who are currently in the midst of anguish and inner turmoil what I'm about to say may seem totally INSANE, or at least insensitive.  

Things have been going well around here.  And I'm resenting it.

I know, right!? INSANE.

At group meeting last week someone made the comment that she is addicted to the addictions that surround her.  I've heard about co-addiction before, I've written about co-addiction.  But all of the sudden it clicked with me again. 

The last few weeks I've been mad that things ARE going well.  What do I have to complain about now? What do I have to write about?  Where is my drama?  Where is my fuel for my giant self-pity bonfire?

Happiness is a matter of choosing to be happy.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Circumstances do not determine happiness.

I know it's hard to be happy when your husband looks at porn, believe me, I know.  But even now after I have come to some sort of peace with Pete's addiction, I still can't be happy.  And now, I know better than to blame it on him.

On our way home from a recent vacation I started to get on Pete's case again.  The usual codependent harping. 

"You know, you really should be doing this, or shouldn't be doing that." 

We hadn't talked about it in awhile and haven't really since.  But I can see that it was just my own uneasy feelings about our lack of drama around here.  It's not normal.  Or, its a new normal.

So after group meeting last week I took some time to count my blessings.  I should truly be grateful for some stability and predictability.  These last few weeks of summer have been really great family time. 

It's these painful realizations about my own character flaws(ingratitude) and addictions (desire for drama) that are making it really hard for me to get past Step 6.  So stay tuned...

21 August 2012



Omega Rho Delta

I guess I've taken a bit of an informal break.  I'll be back. 

In the meantime, in the spirit of Fall and Back to School, welcome to the wife of porn addict sorority.

Any techies want to make us a button?