15 October 2013

Nasty Insecurities

This Saturday is The Togetherness Project.  (If you still think you would like to attend I'm pretty sure Jacy won't turn you away.)

Over a year ago Jacy and I met in person.  Together with Scabs, Mac, Buffalo Gal and other amazing women we spent a weekend having an experience that I think changed all our lives.  I think it planted a seed for Jacy that has now grown into a full-blown event. 

As the weeks leading up to the event passed and I didn't register I couldn't put my finger on why.  I've spent two weekends away from my family at Camp Scabs (another beautiful idea that came from our original retreat) and another weekend running in a race.  There has been a persistent feeling that I should stay home this weekend.  I chalked it up to being here for my kids because Pete is actually attending an SA conference this weekend as well.  But I still hadn't quite been able to really wrap my head around why I am missing this opportunity to learn, but especially to see my amazing WoPA community. 

This morning as last minute emails are flying around, and weekend plans are being made, I had a meltdown.  It would be easy to say that I just felt sad about not being there, but it was more.  It is a fear, a really deep insecurity that I have.  While I washed a cookie sheet and tried to process all my feelings Ben Howard sang to me

"I've been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear."

I'm afraid that if I'm not there people WON'T miss me.  I'm afraid that if I don't go I'll miss out on the recognition I might get for being involved, for being part of that original group of women who dreamt big.  I fear that my friendships will suffer because other friendships are strengthened.  Fear about missing all the validation that my WoPA offer me.  Fear that my worth is proportional to the number and quality of these relationships I have. Fear that I'm missing out.  Fear that it will be amazing (which it will) and I will regret not being there.

And of course my biggest fear of all, my fear that by not being there, I am inherently inferior to all those who are there. 

I'm learning to lean into the pain so I sat on the couch and cried it out.  I turned to God, and he answered me. 

"This is why I didn't want you to go.  I want you to look these fears and insecurities in the eye and own them. And face them.  And then overcome them." 

I wish I could be there. I wish I could see you all. I wish I could soak up all the wisdom from the amazing speakers.  But for Heaven's sake! I'm not the loser I'm making myself out to be.  And the only way missing this event could possibly be worth it is if I can really really internalize that and get through the weekend without having another fear-based meltdown.

So I'll spend Saturday with my little people, and try to practice a little gratitude, live in the present and trust that when it's over my friends will still be my friends. 


  1. Wow, can I relate to this! (And I'd seriously been writing you an email like 10 minutes ago asking why you weren't coming, but then deleted it, 'cause I didn't want to pry -- voila, a whole blog post just to answer my question!) I've had so many of these same fears -- even going to that first 'conference', dealing with the feeling that I was a b-list WoPA and didn't fit in,m, :-) I'm awesome on the phone, but suck at texting, and haven't built some of the great relationships I know others have via email and texting. A lot of my insecurities surrounded my blog early on -- I feel like I'm a good writer and have stuff to offer, and yet, no matter how hard I've tried to get into blogging about this, something pulls me back. And honestly, I think it's for some of these same reasons you listed here (so thanks for the insight!), and how much I would start basing my WoPA worth on how many blog hits or comments I was getting. I still feel a tinge when I hear people talking about meetings I don't go to anymore online, or emailing or talking or texting each other when I don't email/text/talk with that person often, even when I adore them. I have so many of these insecurities, and it's been good for me to practice letting go of them (to varying degrees of success). So, I loved how honestly you addressed this, because I can relate to a lot of it.
    And not to take away from any of the great lessons you're learning in all this, can I just add, YOU WILL BE MISSED! There will be a Jane shaped hole in the Conference that nobody else will fill.

    1. Amen to all of the above. "B list WoPA" makes me cringe, cry and giggle all at once. I love you.

  2. And now you're triggering MY big fear based meltdown! Geez, I hate that feeling. I hate missing out. I hate being left out. I hate wondering if anybody will notice that I'm either of those things. And I hate hate hate feeling like I don't belong in a group that i CLEARLY belong in. (church, girls, friends, wopas, blah blah blah.

    I love you, we'll miss you like crazy and HEY! Now that you learned your lesson (cuz it's just a one shot thing right? Lesson learned....CHECK!) You can come down any time you want!

  3. I had totally assumed you were coming---so sad you are not! You will DEFINITELY be missed! Thank you so much for sharing your fears so openly. You are not alone in them. I think I have all of them myself. You are a fabulous person, and such an example to me for turning to the Lord so beautifully.

  4. I've been loving your posts but haven't commented yet. Your anger post resonated with me and now this one too. I too am learning to lean into the pain these last few days/weeks (ever since Camp Scabs). I feel it is important to be okay with sitting with and observing the pain, honoring it a little bit, actually. And then turning to God. You are awesome! I just feel like I've been going through some of the same stuff. Text me if you need to this weekend. So glad I got to meet you!!! -- (not putting my name here -- can you figure out which Scabs girl I am?)