A week or two before the Togetherness Project I told Scabs that part of the reason I didn’t feel strongly about going was because I didn’t feel like it was what I needed right now.
Despite having a strong impression that not going was what I needed, I still found myself feeling like I was just being fickle and ridiculous about it. I felt all kinds of doubts and acknowledged my fears but didn’t know what to do with them. Even now I feel foolish for how much I’ve analyzed this one solitary choice, to go or not to go.
Knowing that on Saturday I was going to be really feeling left out, I tried to think of my best option for what to do. For once I KNEW something for sure, and it was that I needed to go to a yoga class I occasionally attend on Saturday mornings. On my way there I could tell I was already emotional and I pictured my cancer-surviving yoga instructor embracing me in a big, loving hug. When I arrived at the class she wasn’t there. Apparently she’s moved to another studio. The young, but bearded male teacher caught me off guard. I was disappointed and doubted that the morning would be what I had hoped for, but yoga never ceases to amaze me so I committed to be open minded and have a good practice.
It was a good practice. I nailed the tree pose and I felt strong.
During Shavasana I cleared my head and listened to the words of the young bearded man. His vocie was clear and reassuring and I started to weep. I opened my eyes just to see if he was looking right at me because everything he said was meant exactly for me. It felt like God was speaking to me. It was as powerful as any priesthood blessing I can recall.
As I drove home in the glorious sunlight of a radiant autumn day, I felt profound clarity. What I needed this week was two fold.
First- I needed to see a part of myself as it was. Fears and insecurities and all. I needed to meet a demon.
But secondly, I needed to be in that yoga class with that yoga guy. I needed the knowledge and strength he gave me, to face my demon.
I hope this doesn’t make it look like I’m trying to justify my not being there or publicly redeem myself. Nor do I want to belittle the event . I am confident that for women at the event it was exactly what THEY needed, and God spoke to them through that experience. I am grateful that God knows us and uses strangers to help us along our way.
It has been a really long time since I believed that God deliberately intervened in my life. It was the number one thing I questioned when my faith faltered. Does God really actively influence MY personal life? On Saturday I felt so sure that he had.
It's my prayer that God will find His way to reach you, to speak to you, to give you what and who you need.
**Thank you SO MUCH to all my friends who encouraged me to trust that inner voice and go with it in spite of the sacrifice.**