Queen of Excuses

Back in the late 90's when you saw WWJD everywhere, particularly on plastic bracelets and people put "Jesus Freak" on bumper stickers; a Christian rock group was wildly popular.  I was in 9th grade at the time and I had an evangelical friend who shared the music of DC Talk with me.  I hadn't listened to these songs in years, obviously we are separated from that time by an entire decade,  but on Saturday I put one on my running playlist somewhat randomely. (Or not.) 


I was coping relatively well with the news I received on Friday.  But then Saturday night something happened to shake my emotional stability and now I find myself floundering a bit.

Worse than floundering, I find myself fighting off the urge to slip back into old habits of self-pity.  I'm justifying pathetic behavior, I am feeling sorry for myself and acting ridiculously lazy.  My kids are paying the price, and so am I.  I am not living the moment/day/life I wanted. 

For so long I was doing so good at owning my recovery, and now I am tempted to be codependent again, letting my mood be totally influenced by circumstances rather than self-control.  I thought I'd figured this out, and yet now I am feeling content to be sad and depressed. 

So back to DC Talk....

This morning as I ran I heard the words of this song and they resonated with me:
(In The Light - dc talk)
"I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
I am the [queen] of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I am still a [wo]man in need of a savior"

I AM the queen of excuses.  Mine are pretty good ones if I do say so myself... But ultimately I don't want to be pathetic, depressed and self-pitying.  I want to be happy and confident again.

So, bear with my "Come to Jesus" moment here.  But I'm learning I really can't change without help.  And no earthly being can give me that help.

Here is another, different, dc Talk song that I remembered from all those years ago.  (I'm not quite sure of the significance of all the images, but you know how these homemade YouTube montage videos can be...)