22 June 2012

And she's down again

I tried it.  I closed my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.  Go to sleep.  Escape reality. 

It wasn't working.  So here I am.  But at least I'm not sobbing. 

Be warned: if you plan to post about your progress in healing, be prepared for an immediate setback.  Mac can back me up, right?  I guess maybe the Lord was just trying to give me some more empathy, since I [sort of] asked. 

It is so difficult to write this.  I'll be honest, I've developed a little pride in my recovery.  Now I am eating humble pie. Blech.

Pete and I were headed out on a date when POW! A rear tire blew out.  It was 95 degrees outside and I opted to sit in the truck while he changed the tire.  I was bored, I grabbed his phone.  His phone is boring, no internet access (as a safeguard).  No blogs to read, no email to check, no Pinterest.  So I started perusing his text messages and came across a few texts he exchanged with his dad.  Slightly suspicious, nothing too incriminating.  I mostly forgot about it.  Fast forward as we are getting ready for bed and I felt guilty for reading his texts so I confessed.  Then I asked about the suspicious guilty-sounding exchange. 

Turns out...

You know the drill.  But it was a new one for me.

Pete has some justifications for his lack of honesty over the last six weeks, since the last "episode." But for once I don't feel like defending him.  He's got a blog now, he can explain if he feels compelled.

But sure enough, empathy came.  I hear all. the. time. the words:

"I could deal with the porn, it's the lies."

It stings. Bad.  Those feelings of "How could I not see?" Those hurt.  But mostly, for Pete and I honesty hasn't ever really been an issue.  And now it is.  It's not like years of lies, I am grateful for that.  But I feel like we've taken a step in a new, scary direction.  He doesn't see it that way, but I'm sure you can understand, that I do. 

And as a sort of side note to my pain, a little nagging issue.  All the things he wasn't telling me, he was telling his dad.  And why? I feel like I've come so far in the way I respond to his disclosures.  It feels a bit like I failed, like I still wasn't a safe place for him.  As if it was me who couldn't be trusted.

Maybe he's right, maybe this was something he needed to go through to have a break through.  I sure hope so.  As for me, I guess I'll be working a break through of my own.  Just when you think you've got it, a new spin, a new twist, a new betrayal.


  1. I am so sorry Jane. Ugh.
    You are in my prayers. You will learn something big from this, it will make you stronger; you'll have to work harder to get to where you want to be with your husband, so the two of you will end up stronger together; and you will be better prepared to help others as the INCREDIBLE sponsor I know you'll be one day!
    And yeah, there is definitely something about putting it out there, about how good he's doing, about how good you're feeling, that seems like just asking for some humility -- I've had a it a couple times and I've only been blogging for a month or so!

    Love you!!!!

  2. Jane! how I wish I could give you the biggest hug! I would feel left out and lied to too. As if I wasn't an important person to tell, like I wasn't a significant player in recovery. I'm sorry.

    but I have to say, your reaction seems to be completely out i'd the co-codependant range. Nice! Let him eat his enormous pile of chili flakes.

  3. Once again, HX says it all so beautifully. I can only imagine how you're feeling but she is totally right. Heck, you guys are kinda like my sponsors - at least in my book - and yeah, it seems that somehow putting all this out there is an invitation for a lesson in humility cause I've have experienced it too. I have to say though, as much as I really don't like those lessons in humility, I need them.


  4. So frustrating. I would feel the same way. Scabs and chili flakes made me laugh I had forgotten about that.

  5. Ugh.... I am so sorry Jane.... I love you. LOTS!

  6. Jane,

    In writing your success you are helping those who read your blog. But also in writing about the set-backs and pain. It's so difficult to be lied to. I am grateful that the tire blew-that you were able to stumble upon information that you needed so that the deception did not get worse or go on long enough. As I read your words-I thought thank goodness for the flat tire-it was a tender mercy in diguise. Now, I will pray that you can re-fill your wells and get some "air" and space and guidance as to what to do next. You have an online support system lifting you up Jane. As well as a Father in Heaven who has given you insight (although hard to bear) through a flat tire. He's aware of you. Peggy

  7. Don’t you all wish there was a clear way to know if they were lying. (Maybe their nose could grow a little :) It sure would make life a little more clear cut and easier to deal with. Samantha

  8. I guess the bar just got raised. You can do this friend. Sending love.

  9. Noooo!!!!!! I am heartbroken by this, I feel like honesty has never been an issue for us, but that is NOT the case for anyone else I know (except you until now) and it makes me paranoid that I'm just not paying enough attention. Is he really lying? Do you think it's even possible for a person to be honest through this? Am I being stupid for believing him?

    And just like that I made it all about me. *sigh* What I mean is I'm so so SO sorry, my heart breaks for you (and Pete) and I hope you both keep progressing because you are inspiring to me.

  10. NNOOO! Sending all my love to you! Cathartic angry runs, lots of them. Sometimes it's all I know how to do. You are so good Jane. You are strong, and brave, and intelligent. I am praying for you.

  11. Oh, this made my heart sink. But I echo Marlee. You can do this. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

  12. Thank you so much everyone. This support gives me strength, and it helps so much. Love of all you dearly! I have really great friends.

  13. I met with my therapist yesterday and thought of this post when we had a conversation about honesty/transparency/accountability. Here's what he said...maybe it will help a little?

    He said that our husbands should NOT be accountable to us. What it does is encourages us to become codependent. What we need is transparency. So when there is a slip, they should be transparent with us but accountable to someone else. So obviously Pete failed in this instance with the transparency but I see it as a good thing that he was still being accountable to someone else - that is what you want and need. I don't know, am I totally missing the boat with this? It gave me some comfort so I thought I'd share it with you. YOU are not accountable for him. You do need transparency, so I hope that he can continue to figure out how to give you transparency without making you the one holding him accountable. xoxo