And she's down again

I tried it.  I closed my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.  Go to sleep.  Escape reality. 

It wasn't working.  So here I am.  But at least I'm not sobbing. 

Be warned: if you plan to post about your progress in healing, be prepared for an immediate setback.  Mac can back me up, right?  I guess maybe the Lord was just trying to give me some more empathy, since I [sort of] asked. 

It is so difficult to write this.  I'll be honest, I've developed a little pride in my recovery.  Now I am eating humble pie. Blech.

Pete and I were headed out on a date when POW! A rear tire blew out.  It was 95 degrees outside and I opted to sit in the truck while he changed the tire.  I was bored, I grabbed his phone.  His phone is boring, no internet access (as a safeguard).  No blogs to read, no email to check, no Pinterest.  So I started perusing his text messages and came across a few texts he exchanged with his dad.  Slightly suspicious, nothing too incriminating.  I mostly forgot about it.  Fast forward as we are getting ready for bed and I felt guilty for reading his texts so I confessed.  Then I asked about the suspicious guilty-sounding exchange. 

Turns out...

You know the drill.  But it was a new one for me.

Pete has some justifications for his lack of honesty over the last six weeks, since the last "episode." But for once I don't feel like defending him.  He's got a blog now, he can explain if he feels compelled.

But sure enough, empathy came.  I hear all. the. time. the words:

"I could deal with the porn, it's the lies."

It stings. Bad.  Those feelings of "How could I not see?" Those hurt.  But mostly, for Pete and I honesty hasn't ever really been an issue.  And now it is.  It's not like years of lies, I am grateful for that.  But I feel like we've taken a step in a new, scary direction.  He doesn't see it that way, but I'm sure you can understand, that I do. 

And as a sort of side note to my pain, a little nagging issue.  All the things he wasn't telling me, he was telling his dad.  And why? I feel like I've come so far in the way I respond to his disclosures.  It feels a bit like I failed, like I still wasn't a safe place for him.  As if it was me who couldn't be trusted.

Maybe he's right, maybe this was something he needed to go through to have a break through.  I sure hope so.  As for me, I guess I'll be working a break through of my own.  Just when you think you've got it, a new spin, a new twist, a new betrayal.