I tried it. I closed my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. Go to sleep. Escape reality.
It wasn't working. So here I am. But at least I'm not sobbing.
Be warned: if you plan to post about your progress in healing, be prepared for an immediate setback. Mac can back me up, right? I guess maybe the Lord was just trying to give me some more empathy, since I [sort of] asked.
It is so difficult to write this. I'll be honest, I've developed a little pride in my recovery. Now I am eating humble pie. Blech.
Pete and I were headed out on a date when POW! A rear tire blew out. It was 95 degrees outside and I opted to sit in the truck while he changed the tire. I was bored, I grabbed his phone. His phone is boring, no internet access (as a safeguard). No blogs to read, no email to check, no Pinterest. So I started perusing his text messages and came across a few texts he exchanged with his dad. Slightly suspicious, nothing too incriminating. I mostly forgot about it. Fast forward as we are getting ready for bed and I felt guilty for reading his texts so I confessed. Then I asked about the suspicious guilty-sounding exchange.
You know the drill. But it was a new one for me.
Pete has some justifications for his lack of honesty over the last six weeks, since the last "episode." But for once I don't feel like defending him. He's got a blog now, he can explain if he feels compelled.
But sure enough, empathy came. I hear all. the. time. the words:
"I could deal with the porn, it's the lies."
It stings. Bad. Those feelings of "How could I not see?" Those hurt. But mostly, for Pete and I honesty hasn't ever really been an issue. And now it is. It's not like years of lies, I am grateful for that. But I feel like we've taken a step in a new, scary direction. He doesn't see it that way, but I'm sure you can understand, that I do.
And as a sort of side note to my pain, a little nagging issue. All the things he wasn't telling me, he was telling his dad. And why? I feel like I've come so far in the way I respond to his disclosures. It feels a bit like I failed, like I still wasn't a safe place for him. As if it was me who couldn't be trusted.
Maybe he's right, maybe this was something he needed to go through to have a break through. I sure hope so. As for me, I guess I'll be working a break through of my own. Just when you think you've got it, a new spin, a new twist, a new betrayal.