I read your comment and my heart went out to you.
How many triggers can there be out there?... a reminder of a moment of past trauma sneaks up and surprises you with a dose of emotion. Completely overwhelmed, and usually including unexpected crying. Each trigger is a new journey to crawl out of the emotional pit of pain. How long do the triggers last?
I can relate, especially to the unexpected crying. I've been thinking a lot about what I can say, and I consulted with April/Scabs. We talked and I'll share my thoughts (which might also be her thoughts.)
Regarding triggers, I know there is scientific evidence that they are subconscious, that we have no control over them. And I believe this is true. But we do have control in our response to them, and I also believe that as we learn to cope with our response the triggers lose their power.
April pointed out to me that very often, triggers are lies, lies that act as fuel for our negative emotions. They are feelings of hopelessness, lack of control, despair and hurt. But we know there IS hope, we DO have control over our emotions and we CAN heal from despair and hurt.
I think triggers are also based in fear. We are afraid of what it will feel like when we are reminded of the indescretion of our husband. We are afraid of what it will feel like when he relapses. We are afraid of relinquishing our feelings of resentment, lest we forgive too quickly or lose our self-imagined influence.
Why can't I put all this away? He's been clean for a few months. He thinks he will never use again. He says there are no temptations. How many times has this happened and then the cycle begins again? Will the worry about when the next bomb will drop ever release its hold?
It took Pete years, yes YEARS, to realize that a few months without temptation did not mean he was free from the addiction. Marlee just posted the other day that her husband went 2 1/2 years sober. I don't say this to discourage you, just to give you knowledge. I've said it so many times but I'll say it again. Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power. This does not mean it is your job to convince your husband of this knowledge, let him come to it on his own. But tuck it away in your aresenal so you can be prepared and accepting of the future.
There is a good chance he will relapse, and YOU WILL BE OKAY. Ask Mac.
I believe you CAN put it all away. I know I don't worry about when the next bomb will drop anymore because I've let go of my fears about how badly that will hurt. I know I will be disappointed and hurt, but I also know that I don't need to have anxiety about it. I can cope with disappointment and hurt, I have faith that I will be taken care of by a loving Savior and Heavenly Father. And I don't mean they will care for me by curing my husband, they will care for me by giving me an endowment of strength and peace during those difficult moments.
These feelings don't come naturally. I've had to discover them, nurture them and carefully select the emotions I want to keep around by making a deliberate effort to discard the ones I don't. The negative emotions still come to me. For me it comes in the form of self-pity. I fight it daily and sometimes I don't fight at all, I just wallow. Those days are miserable. I hate them. But it is the path of least resistance, and unfortunately, we all know, it is resistance that builds strength. So I try to resist the lies that creep in, and in doing so build strength against them.