26 June 2012

Queen of Excuses

Back in the late 90's when you saw WWJD everywhere, particularly on plastic bracelets and people put "Jesus Freak" on bumper stickers; a Christian rock group was wildly popular.  I was in 9th grade at the time and I had an evangelical friend who shared the music of DC Talk with me.  I hadn't listened to these songs in years, obviously we are separated from that time by an entire decade,  but on Saturday I put one on my running playlist somewhat randomely. (Or not.) 

I was coping relatively well with the news I received on Friday.  But then Saturday night something happened to shake my emotional stability and now I find myself floundering a bit.

Worse than floundering, I find myself fighting off the urge to slip back into old habits of self-pity.  I'm justifying pathetic behavior, I am feeling sorry for myself and acting ridiculously lazy.  My kids are paying the price, and so am I.  I am not living the moment/day/life I wanted

For so long I was doing so good at owning my recovery, and now I am tempted to be codependent again, letting my mood be totally influenced by circumstances rather than self-control.  I thought I'd figured this out, and yet now I am feeling content to be sad and depressed. 

So back to DC Talk....

This morning as I ran I heard the words of this song and they resonated with me:
(In The Light - dc talk)
"I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
I am the [queen] of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I am still a [wo]man in need of a savior"

I AM the queen of excuses.  Mine are pretty good ones if I do say so myself... But ultimately I don't want to be pathetic, depressed and self-pitying.  I want to be happy and confident again.

So, bear with my "Come to Jesus" moment here.  But I'm learning I really can't change without help.  And no earthly being can give me that help.

Here is another, different, dc Talk song that I remembered from all those years ago.  (I'm not quite sure of the significance of all the images, but you know how these homemade YouTube montage videos can be...)


  1. Sweet Jane, you are humble and teachable. You learn from every turn of events. You are kind and loving with every thought, word and action. You are strong and resilient. You have been given the power to love yourself unconditionally. You are a small surprising package with a bottomless ability to give. You are beautiful. You are my biggest surprise. I'm in awe of your self-realization and the way you use the steps. You are healing. You're path is clear and you are doing the right things. You're confidence and happiness are an inherent part of yourself. I really adore you.

  2. Oh my goodness, I love this post. And I needed it today.

    And I love Scabs' comment.