I was coping relatively well with the news I received on Friday. But then Saturday night something happened to shake my emotional stability and now I find myself floundering a bit.
Worse than floundering, I find myself fighting off the urge to slip back into old habits of self-pity. I'm justifying pathetic behavior, I am feeling sorry for myself and acting ridiculously lazy. My kids are paying the price, and so am I. I am not living the moment/day/life I wanted.
For so long I was doing so good at owning my recovery, and now I am tempted to be codependent again, letting my mood be totally influenced by circumstances rather than self-control. I thought I'd figured this out, and yet now I am feeling content to be sad and depressed.
So back to DC Talk....
This morning as I ran I heard the words of this song and they resonated with me:
(In The Light - dc talk)
"I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
I am the [queen] of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I am still a [wo]man in need of a savior"
I AM the queen of excuses. Mine are pretty good ones if I do say so myself... But ultimately I don't want to be pathetic, depressed and self-pitying. I want to be happy and confident again.
So, bear with my "Come to Jesus" moment here. But I'm learning I really can't change without help. And no earthly being can give me that help.
Here is another, different, dc Talk song that I remembered from all those years ago. (I'm not quite sure of the significance of all the images, but you know how these homemade YouTube montage videos can be...)