25 May 2012

Covering the spectrum

In August of 2011, nine months ago, I sat down at my computer in a desperate attempt to find someone else out there who was going through what I was going through.  If pornography addiction is as prevalent as they say, where were the wives of the addicts?  You can find anything on the internet, and I was determined to find a friend, a support group, someone to comfort me. 

This was before I discovered the 12-step program, before I attended or even knew about the family support group meetings and the only soul in the world who knew about "the problem" besides Pete and me, was our bishop.  It was a painfully lonely time and I was truly desperate. 

My search gave me two leads.  First I discovered Maurice's blog.  I read a few posts, and sent Maurice an email or two.  His responses were wonderful and his posts were full of understanding.  But he wasn't what I really wanted.  Second I found the CafeMom forum for wives of porn addicts.  The forum was a great starting place for me, but I found that despite the good efforts of the moderators it was a depressing, negative and hopeless place.  I haven't been back in months.  But I am eternally grateful for it because that is where I met Wife A and Mac. 

Wife A and Wife J had decided to start a blog, and I wanted to be a part of it.  So she invited me as a contributor and I wrote a couple posts.  But then I decided I needed my own place to write, and I was so anxious for a blog on this subject that I determined to just make my own. 

A few weeks later I discovered Jacy through Maurices blog.  On September 28th I spent the better part of a day and night reading through two years worth of posts.  I read every word of her blog.  I drank it up and wept and suffered along with her.  The next day I sent her an email and a friendship was born. 

At the beginning of October, I had my three friends.  Mac, Wife A, and Jacy.  I already felt less alone and Mac and I started an email correspondence that carried me through the next few months. 

So much has changed since then.  It seems as if each day a new blog is born, a new story told, a new woman reaches out.  I want to say again, that I don't think it is necessary to write a blog to be a part of our virtual support group.  But I am grateful for the women who have done so. 

Each of the women on my sidebar has a different story.  For some of us our husbands are "mild" addicts, relapses occur only every few months.  For others, there has been prison time, infidelity, and much much worse.  For some there was divorce, for some there was profound reconciliation.  Some husbands are active in recovery, some are not. 

We all have different personalities, different writing styles, different opinions and obviously different husbands.  In the near future I would like to write a post with a synopsis of my blogging friends, and some guidelines about navigating the WoPA blog world.  But for now..

We cover the spectrum.  Reach out.   It might suprise you where you might find yourself in six months, in nine months, or a year from now.  You might be flying to another state to finally meet an online friend who has had an irreplacable influence on your life.  You might be the one who people come to for companionship and support.  You might feel much less alone. 


  1. Beautifully said ! I am so grateful for those who share their stories - their journey. I learn from each of them. I am grateful for their insights,input,love,& support. Honestly, some days they are what keep me going. We are all different,but I think I can safely say that as we share our stories - we hope and pray one soul will be reminded they aren't alone - that somehow we can uplift and strengthen one soul.

  2. Oh, & by the way, Jane, I changed my blog name so right now we aren't linked - for me - change the blog address to http://iwillfindhealing.blogspot.com

  3. jane, I felt the same way about cafe mom it was really making it harder for me. But so happy you reached out to me there. It is so true we are all in different places but the connection we have is priceless. I will be back to blogging soon so many wonderful things to keep me busy lately a child graduating and a sweet grand baby to enjoy ex,,,,,. but after next Tuesday life gets a little slower for me. Thank you for your blog it really helps many of us feel hope.

  4. I love to watch this community grow (not that I love what trials bring you together, but I do love the community of support that I think is making a difference)! I love you ladies.

    1. Exactly this... I hate what has brought us together, but when I really look at the BIG end of the spectrum, I am AMAZED at how beautiful what I've gone through really is, because it has led me to all of you... It really is quite miraculous in my eyes :)

      Loved this Jane. Thank you!

    2. This is the God we worship. Beauty from ashes. He amazes me so much.

  5. I'm so glad you did this because I never would have found you and you know i love you like a sister!

  6. I also so love the community I have found here. I call you all my step sisters. :) Thanks for welcoming me here with such wide open arms!