Pete had a rough week. He becomes vulnerable during the holidays or times when he doesn't go to work and follow his daily routine. What is the saying? Idleness is the devil's playground?
After warning me that he was struggling with his thoughts, I was on guard, but the day before Thanksgiving he seemed to be cheering up and pulling out of his rut. We watched a movie together and then our completely opposite expectations collided. An argument ensued and I saw a side of Pete that is rare and dark. I felt like he was being strongly influenced by the powers of adversary and he was irrational and angry. He finally rolled over and fell asleep, but I knew he was in a bad place.
I knew what was going to happen. I knew that he would wake up and be tempted. So I determined that I would stay up all night, on guard to protect him from himself. For hours I lied there, thinking and worrying. I felt the ugly fear that comes ahead of relapse. I cried because I was self-pitying. I felt a sense of hopelessness, that this would be my life forever.
I only lasted until about 2:30am and then I could no longer keep my eyes open. In the morning, just as I had expected, Pete confessed. I sobbed. I sobbed because it had been so obvious. It was so predictable, and STILL I could not prevent it. It wasn't even that I was angry that it had happened, I was just angry at my own helplessness.
Addiction recovery programs talk about how addictions cause our lives to become unmanagable. I'm realizing that by allowing my happiness to be dependent on my husband's behavior, I am co-dependent. And my co-dependency is making my life unmanagable. Al-anon uses a phrase about the Three Cs. You did not cause it, you can not control it and you are not able to cure it. I was willing to not sleep an entire night just to control my husband's behavior. But how many nights after that could I sacrifice sleep to be responsible for him?
I'm learning about boundaries. There are boundaries I can set up to help us along the way, like putting safegaurds on the computers. But some boundaries are asking too much of myself. I need to respect my own well being. I need to find my own peace despite his choices. I need to relinquish my desperate desire to "fix" him.
I need to let go, let God.