 |
| Saatchi Online |
Two years ago Pete and I concluded that he had an addiction
to pornography. He took a couple
tentative steps toward recovery and I jumped right in. Adamant that I was only trying to fix myself,
and not him, I embarked on my recovery journey.
It has been life changing and I’m no longer the person I was. But in the last couple months I’ve felt confused.
“What the heck? After everything I’ve done in the last two
years, why is my husband still looking at porn and masturbating?”
I’ve set boundaries and enforced them. I’ve set them and
buckled on them. I’ve seen a therapist,
I’ve attended 12 step meetings and worked program. I’ve
done a 30 in 30 and I’ve had various sponsor figures. I’ve been on a forum and Facebook, I’ve met
other WoPA in real life. I’ve read books
and articles. A new bank account. Pack-up-and-leave with the kids for the
weekend. Opened up to friends. Asked for blessings. Doubted my faith. Found it again. Detached in a million different ways. Sexual abstinence. Sleeping in separate rooms. Counsel with the stake president.
“What the heck? After everything I’ve done in the last two
years, why is my husband still looking at porn and masturbating?”
I’ve given advice to other women to “Put their foot down”. No more enabling. No more tolerance. No more acceptance of this unacceptable
behavior in my marriage. I’ve gathered evidence
and watched Pete’s valiant (at times) efforts at recovery.
The next logical step is separation right? It’s the only “boundary”
I haven’t tried, right?
The truth is, I don’t want a divorce. The truth is I don’t even want a separation.
I guess the awful truth is, I AM willing to live in a
marriage with pornography.
This makes me feel weak and pathetic. It makes me feel like I’m enabling his
addiction. This makes me feel like a
hypocrite.
I used to boast that I would no longer accept a mediocre
relationship. And here I am, openly
admitting to you that I am accepting a mediocre relationship. And sadly, at this point it’s worse than
mediocre. It is sapped of connection,
vulnerability and affection. It is apparently
the only safe way Pete and I can coexist in this addiction infected marriage.
“WHAT THE HECK? AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, WHY IS MY HUSBAND STILL LOOKING AT PORN?”
Dr. Laura says there are three good excuses for Divorce and all three start with the letter A: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction. (I can't believe I just quoted Dr. Laura!). It might be time to move on. By just mentioning the "D" word, he might wake up and prefer a real live woman to the two dimensional shit and his right hand! Time for some shock therapy!!!
ReplyDeleteI think the issue isn't what you are doing at all, but the question you are asking.
ReplyDeleteNothing you do will force change in your husband. Believing that is believing a lie and keeping you trapped in your own insanity. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And that wisdom to know the difference."
Perhaps the question should be "After everything I've done in the last two years, why is MY life still unmanageable?" (If indeed it is - I don't want to be putting words into your mouth.)
And now it is time for me to turn around and ask myself the same question. Love you.
Jane, I am a recovering male addict to pornography and masturbation. I have been abstinent for about a year. My recovery process consumed me the same way my addiction had consumed me. And recovery was VERY time consuming. There was a lot of prayer, scripture reading, recovery reading, answering questions for my sponsor, checking in, meeting with my sponsor, and at least three recovery meetings a week. I am retired. I don't know if I could have done this while holding down a full time job and trying to raise a family. Additionally, you are not responsible for your husband's addiction, and YOU CAN'T FIX IT! From an addicts perspective, I have to say that a big factor in your husband's ultimate recovery is not giving up on himself and you not giving up on him. It will be helpful if you can convert your expectations to preferences, so you won't suffer as much disappointment. If he shares a success with you, no matter how small, acknowledge the victory. If he shares a failure with you, be sad with him, but encourage him. In that environment he is less likely to give up. Demanding that he share every slip with you won't help you and it won't help him. It is not in your best interest to know the details of his acting out. In fact it will hurt you. If you can continue to share a household that is lacking in physical intimacy, and short in emotional intimacy, then I would encourage you to hang in there, unless he is involving other people in his addiction. Threatening to leave or to kick him out will not make him abstinent; it will only add stress to both of you. If you CAN'T live like you're living now, then go if you can afford it. If you can't afford it, add your prayers to his and offer encouragement at every turn. But DON'T TRY TO FIX HIM. FIX YOURSELF! I wish you well from the bottom of my heart. (Anonymous #2)
DeleteThanks for the comments MM and Anon #2. I was actually trying to be ironic. I know that I can't change him and I can only evaluate my progress and my behavior.
DeleteI envy you for not wanting to get separated or divorced. I wish so badly that I wanted to stay married-- even after my husband has been clean for quite a while I still can't manage to be optimistic about our future.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can find a path toward healing, whether or not your marriage is a casualty of this addiction. I truly believe that I'm not meant to be a victim forever.
Deleteconfusing and frustrating for sure!! I am still mad about your Hawaii trip and I don't even know you or your hubby:) lol!!
ReplyDeleteI admire you, you seem very strong and level headed!!
You know the phrase, "take a few steps into the dark and the light will come"? I feel like I've been taking steps in the dark for 26 miles at least and I don't see the light. The road is long. Keep walking friend. We can keep each other company in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteI love this Marlee! That's exactly how I feel.
DeleteThanks for this post. I'm quite certain I could write the same thing- in a year or so ;) I'm sorry it makes you feel weak or pathetic that you're willing to live with mediocre. I promise it's not. Leaving is absolutely sometimes necessary, and I'm sure it's not easy. But staying is not easy either. I used to day dream about leaving. About running my home exactly the way I wanted. Doing everything my way. Never being hurt by addiction, lack of empathy. Never being hurt by my husband again. That sounds easier than staying. You ARE NOT weak. You are SO STRONG! Thanks for your example. Mediocre is okay, I don't think it will always be that way, though it may last longer than we'd think. Keep trying. Don't give up. There's hope and happiness ahead. (Sorry, I just love Elder Holland)
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point anna belle. Thanks for offering that perspective.
DeleteI left my house on Tuesday for the start of a temporary separation. It may turn out to be longer, I have no idea. I just know that I could no longer deal with him crossing my boundaries - seemingly all of them within 10 days. I have no idea how I will financially afford to live on my own, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it. My husband will never get sober or real recovery until he feels he is worth it. If I were to accept the situation exactly as it is today will be how it is in the future, I would not go home. A year ago I was facing the exact same betrayals and lies. But this year I am strong enough to say that I will not tolerate this behavior. You are strong and you will know when/if the time is right. It was a surprisingly calm decision, painful and sad, but calm. All the best!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I admire your courage and I am inspired at the way you recognize your own progress. You go girl!
DeleteIt's hard to know someone through a blog - since all you know is what they tell you and their version of events from their life. But I would hardly describe your marriage as mediocre. The definition of mediocre is: Of only moderate quality; not very good: "a mediocre actor". Synonyms for mediocre are: middling - moderate - indifferent - ordinary - mean.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that Pete still cares about you. He cares that he hurts you. He keeps trying. He's messing up but he's not lying. This is not ordinary in this experience, atleast it seems that lying and justification are the norm. He still turns to you for forgiveness. I could be wrong - and if I am - then I'm wrong.
A close family member of mine's husband has a pornography addiction. He also patronizes strip clubs and hires escorts. He hides it and lies about it. But she knows it. They don't talk about it and they pretend like it doesn't happen. They have been married for 35+ years and it's been like this for atleast that long - that is mediocrity.
I'd say - if you still feel something, if you still feel pain,joy, hope and you both are maintaining a balance of truth and honesty - you're on the right track.
I don't want to leave my husband either. I feel shame about it from time to time. I wonder if I am enabling but I know that, for now, those are doubts grown from fear about making the wrong choice, fear about not having control, fear about wasted time and efforts.
I know that I believe marriage is sacred and I've made a covenant between myself, my husband, and God to give it all: In sickness (even mental) and health. I know my husband has fallen short of our promises to God and each other - but so have I. That's where I stand today - living in the hope of Christ and being liberated by the assurance that I'm not bound, by God or Man, to stay but I stay because of Grace.
Thanks Ginny. I DO think my marriage is mediocre. The quality of the relationships is ordinary or average at best. It's not terrible, he does care about me and I care about him. But since it lacks in physical affection and emotional intimacy it leaves much to be desired. But I'm okay with that for now. There is no rush to perfection. :)
DeleteI appreciate your confidence and testimony. It gives me strength.
3 cheers for mediocrity! Ok really I hate the current trend of "then boot him" because it makes me feel weak or less than. But it's where I am. I don't want him gone, it solves nothing for me. I think of your "in between times" post and realize the mediocre (at best) in betweens are still worth it for me.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me smile. Thank you!
DeleteI haven't been on in a while, dealing with my own drama. Sometimes I wish I was still married. At least while married I knew what I was fighting for, the cues, the boundaries, the signs. Being single I have the same triggers, but not a somebody to talk to. Someone who cares about you. Yes the void, the nothingness sucks. The loneliness while married sucks. But if there is a chance your marriage can work - fix it. I wish so often that I had gotten the impression to fight for my marriage. I hope one day to see why God so clearly told me to be done. I hope someday to feel joy in a satisfying relationship. And I wish it had been with my ex. If god is directing you to stay then do it! Take care of yourself, get closer to God and enjoy being loved. Even if that's all he can give you, enjoy being loved. I am so sorry he still looks at porn, I am so sorry he masturbates! I so wish he could be your one and only, and you his. I pray God blesses you with what is best for you. With love, Letsy.
ReplyDeleteLetsy- I wish I could say that I'm staying because God told me to stay. Unfortunately my faith still doesn't support the kind of belief that God WOULD tell me what to do. For now I'm just making my best guess and doing what I feel like I really WANT.
DeleteBut I admire your faith, and your courage to do what God spoke to you. I'm sure he will reward you with peace and blessings.