At long last recovery was taking hold for Pete. And I felt like a plastic swimming pool on summer day, filling and filling with fears of vulnerability and emotional reconnection. Wise people told me, “you’ll know it when you see it.” And I saw it. And I knew it. But knowing he was in true recovery didn’t erase the trauma and distrust.
Okay- he’s doing better, but what now? Can I love him again? Can I connect with him again? Can I ever have sex with him again?
I felt stalled out and stuck. A few therapy appointments were helping me but the progress felt infinitesimal. I wanted it, but I couldn’t resist slamming the proverbial door in his face whenever I didn’t get my way.
Then something came along. An opportunity for Pete, and me, and our family. Something we’d talked about and dreamed of in the early days of his career.
It caught hold. It took flight. We started talking. We were excited. Ideas, dreams, hopes, feelings began to pour out of me. And he ate it up. He listened, and like he always has, worked and made phone calls and sent emails to execute my wildest ambitions.
We researched, we laughed, we exchanged giddy texts and eager phone calls.
My faith still lacks the gumption to notice God’s hand in my life on a consistent basis. But for once I see that he has undoubtedly given us this gift.
It is a gift. It has been the ice breaker of all ice breakers. It has destroyed the awkwardness and hesitancy that held me captive. It has reignited a shared goal inside us that has brought us together again. It has given us pillow talk and passion. My fervor and longing for this opportunity has trumped my pride and stubbornness. We couldn’t do this if our marriage was rocky. We couldn’t do this if Pete wasn’t in recovery. We couldn’t do this if I couldn’t decide that I was committed to him. As much as I wanted it, I wasn’t blind to those facts.
As the holidays upon us I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for this life-changing gift. A healing balm for my wounded marriage. After Pete and I had done all we could do, after we put forth our efforts and reached out for help, we needed something more.
And God gave.
Happy New Year everyone. Cheers to a 2014 that brings us all a little more peace and emotional safety.