28 January 2014

As For Me...

First of all- thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support you sent my way via comments, emails and texts.  There is power in solidarity and I FEEL it.  I love you for it.  Sometimes when I comment on blogs I feel small and insignificant.  But each comment here, EACH one, and every email MEANS something to me.  It makes me feel like I matter, I am loved, and people care.  That never gets old for me.

Finding out about lies, and dealing with a relapse after Pete's longest stretch of sobriety in years was hard.

But peeps- I've been doing this recovery business for a few years now and I think it's actually working! It's hard to put my finger on what exactly feels differently about my life.  Especially since I'm STILL dealing with these issues, as much as I've wished them away.

I took a parenting class a few years ago where the gentle, grandmotherly teacher suggested that perfection wasn't the goal of the class.  It was just decreasing percentages.  Instead of yelling at my kids 90% of the time when I was frustrated, the goal was to only yell 70% of the time.  This is how recovery has helped me.  I still have codependent behaviors, I still trigger back to trauma, I still hold a grudge sometimes and I still get angry.   But my percentages are down.

I am less panicked and desperate when Pete acts out.

I am less irritable and anxious when I see my lack of control.

I spend less time in bed and on the bathroom floor.

I personalize Pete's behavior and resentments less.

I feel more acceptance and patience.

Forgiveness comes more easily.

There are so many analogies about perspective.  But I love the words to "Let it Go" from Frozen.

It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small. 
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all. 

A couple years ago, even months ago, Pete's pornography addiction seemed like a mountain ahead of me. So HUGE, so overwhelming, so consuming, so terrifying, so traumatizing.  But gradually it looks smaller, takes less of my energy and I find myself being more easily distracted from it.

I wouldn't say that my fears can't get to me at all.  But they get to me less.  And I can spend more time in gratitude and less time in despair.

So I'm doing okay.  Better yet, I think I'm doing well, all things considered.  Thank you again- so much!


  1. I love the "less" part, Jane. I don't think our fears and trauma ever go away... 4 years later and I still have moments when it hits me and I am paralyzed... but I love how you suggest spending more time in gratitude than in despair. I always hated when I was in the thick of it and people said "time helps", But looking back, they were right. Time does help... but it's not the time, it's not the seconds and minutes that help.... it's what we're doing DURING those seconds and moments that make us stronger and more confident when the trauma and fears present themselves.

    Sending you love....

  2. I love this! Thanks for the perspective. I don't have to be perfect at this! Also- I loved frozen for those lines. I know a lot of people in our situations were triggered by the movie (probably the sister BEGGING to bet let in to the life of someone she loved so she could be with her and help her and being continually shut out), but I thought a lot of the messages were freeing - including those lines you shared ;)

  3. This is really hopeful. I'm so glad you posted a follow-up.

  4. I love you, Jane. So sorry for what has happened, but so happy to see the power of recovery at work in your life.

  5. So glad to read this. I need to think on these words. Love you, girl.

  6. I'm glad I found your blog...my husband is addicted to pornography and self-gratification too and everything you say resonates with me. I am trying to work through getting over my codependency and I feel like it is going to be a tough road. I like the "less" idea because I think I am making baby steps. My husband doesn't seem to view his addiction as an addiction or wrong and it is extremely frustrating and hard to deal with. I hate that I feel like I have to check search history...he doesn't care about lying to me about things either. I feel like my life has been wrapped up lately in trying to help him, save him, and I'm trying to take a step away from that and let him do it on his own, but without him having a desire to change anything I'm at a loss.