Pete had a slip/relapse/acted out/messed up... whatever you want to call it. I hate all those words.
I want to write about it- but don't really know what to say, or have time to refine anything or make it logical and analytic. (My specialty.)
So I'm just going to write. I think it will be good for me.
Pete confessed to me to about his break in sobriety a few days ago. It was a few days after his four month mark, but he hadn't been to a meeting in a few days so he missed his chance to get a four month chip. Yesterday as I was putting away the laundry I saw all his chips on the bottom of his drawer. It was really sad for me. After he confessed he told me that he had an appointment with his therapist that same morning. He said his therapist had to pull him out of the depths of despair. I felt really grateful that he has a good therapist, and really sad that he was in such despair.
I don't get it. I don't know why this happens. Why, after months of sobriety, he just gives in and indulges. It seems like there is always so much on the line. The timing of this is horrible. It was this time last year, when I lost it. I packed up the kids and we left for five days. I couldn't take it. We didn't even celebrate his birthday. Totally ignored it. His birthday is this week. And when he texted me telling me that he had "slipped" I felt a little triggered. Is 2014 going to be just a repeat of 2013? I can't do that. I REALLY can't do that.
But I found myself feeling surprisingly okay with it. Not "okay" with it, like I don't care or like I don't think it's wrong. But I didn't cry. I didn't get too angry. The strongest feeling I have felt in the last couple days is just apathy. And a little bit of wonder at it all. Am I being too dramatic? What's the big deal? Why the complicated mess?
I have good friends who have been pointing me in a new direction. It has always been my M.O. to detach and withdraw. Get to a safe place where I'm unaffected by his choices. That has worked for me in the past. But now, as I sit here, feeling a little unaffected, I think I'm going to try something new. I think I'm going to try to continue this momentum we have. I want to keep his companionship, I want to hear and share feelings with him. I don't want to sever our emotional connection. The physical connection is still out- sorry I'm not that good.
Anyway- I feel like it's going to be okay. Everything is not lost. All the feelings and changes I've seen still exist, it just means it's not going to always been smooth sailing. But I always knew that. Right?