08 January 2014

Stream of Consciousness

Pete had a slip/relapse/acted out/messed up... whatever you want to call it.  I hate all those words.

I want to write about it- but don't really know what to say, or have time to refine anything or make it logical and analytic. (My specialty.)

So I'm just going to write.  I think it will be good for me.

Pete confessed to me to about his break in sobriety a few days ago. It was a few days after his four month mark, but he hadn't been to a meeting in a few days so he missed his chance to get a four month chip.  Yesterday as I was putting away the laundry I saw all his chips on the bottom of his drawer.  It was really sad for me.  After he confessed he told me that he had an appointment with his therapist that same morning.  He said his therapist had to pull him out of the depths of despair. I felt really grateful that he has a good therapist, and really sad that he was in such despair.

I don't get it. I don't know why this happens.  Why, after months of sobriety, he just gives in and indulges. It seems like there is always so much on the line.  The timing of this is horrible.  It was this time last year, when I lost it.  I packed up the kids and we left for five days.  I couldn't take it. We didn't even celebrate his birthday.  Totally ignored it.  His birthday is this week. And when he texted me telling me that he had "slipped" I felt a little triggered.  Is 2014 going to be just a repeat of 2013? I can't do that. I REALLY can't do that.

But I found myself feeling surprisingly okay with it.  Not "okay" with it, like I don't care or like I don't think it's wrong.  But I didn't cry. I didn't get too angry.  The strongest feeling I have felt in the last couple days is just apathy.  And a little bit of wonder at it all.  Am I being too dramatic? What's the big deal? Why the complicated mess?

I have good friends who have been pointing me in a new direction.  It has always been my M.O. to detach and withdraw.  Get to a safe place where I'm unaffected by his choices.  That has worked for me in the past.  But now, as I sit here, feeling a little unaffected, I think I'm going to try something new.  I think I'm going to try to continue this momentum we have.  I want to keep his companionship, I want to hear and share feelings with him.  I don't want to sever our emotional connection.  The physical connection is still out- sorry I'm not that good.

Anyway- I feel like it's going to be okay.  Everything is not lost. All the feelings and changes I've seen still exist, it just means it's not going to always been smooth sailing.  But I always knew that. Right?


  1. I'm sorry. :(
    the timing is crazy... and i can def understand the trigger and feeling of 2014 being a repeat. that's my fear sometimes too.. am i just putting myself in this never ending mess!? well yeah.. i guess so. But pete is doing so good stil... we see the good in them. the changes in them. and somehow it makes the mess-ups.. more bearable.
    I'm proud of you. for taking a new approach.. not that is the better way or anything. but that you are listening to yourself.
    You're just an amazing example to me.. i love your insight.

  2. You've got a great attitude! Sending prayers your way

  3. Hugs! I'm glad you are going to try to stay vulnerable. It hurts, but it is a good place to be for a relationship to progress. You are in my prayers!

  4. I'm sorry :( That is so tough. You have such a good perspective on things, though. I know you will get through this. Praying for you!

  5. I just stumbled upon your blog and I wanted to thank you for sharing what you're going through with your husband. My husband is also a porn addict and just recently admitted it (even though i've known for years and he has tried to cover it up). He goes through phases where he'll talk about it and admit that he is but whenever I catch him downloading something he still lies about it and turns the blame onto me. I caught him watching porn on my 3 year olds iPad a few weeks ago and that was my breaking point. I am looking into separation and feel grateful to now be able to read and relate to your story.