10 January 2014



A few months ago, when Pete wasn't talking to me about his recovery because I had emotionally withdrawn, I wondered about his sobriety.  A friend told me how to check a google search history.  At first, the search history wasn't on, so I turned it on.  I checked it every day for a few days, and it always came up clean.  This gave me some peace of mind (obviously it's not fool proof) but Pete had also agreed to tell me when he broke sobriety. So I went with it. 

After his confession on Monday I kind of had that annoying nagging feeling. During his confession I specifically asked if this was the only "episode." He reassured me that it was a one-time deal. A blip. A slip.  

Yesterday I had the idea to check his google history. I hadn't done this in a long time.  But I decided to do it.  I'm not a fan of snooping if it's done out of codependency.  I had never needed to snoop before. He always confessed.  But I went ahead and pulled it up.  I looked over it.  It didn't match what he had told me. There were other searches.  A lot of them, on two different days besides the day he had confessed about.  I tried to work it out logistically in my head but it didn't make sense.  My heart started to race.  I started to sweat.  I called him.  He admitted to it. 

My trauma went to a couple new levels yesterday.  

1. I've never caught Pete before. (Except one time I read a text conversation with his dad.) I've never seen searches or images.  I've never had that nauseating feeling when you read the words your husband typed into the Google box. The names of the women who are the objects of his fantasies.  I could not stop sweating. 

2. Pete has always been honest.  Or I thought he had always been honest.  Except that one time, when he wasn't.  And now I feel so ridiculous saying it. I've told everyone else that there is always more than what the addict is admitting to.  But I'm the exception.  Addicts are liars.  But Pete is the exception.  Yeah, Pete has been mostly honest.  But once there are lies, how do you EVER know what's a lie and what isn't?  Trust is so fragile.  So easily and quickly destroyed.  And such a painful, excruciating reality check.  

I hate those old feelings of being a fool, being deceived, duped, manipulated.  I HATE those feelings.  I want to scream and throw up and run until my lungs are on fire.  I want to punch pillows and break plates. I want to curl up and sob. I want a hug that never ends, from a friend.  I want to be manic and active, and the next minute I want to be lazy and lethargic.  

I thought I was at the beginning of the end. I thought this was going a new direction.  I thought my posts on this blog were winding down. 

But he is still sick. 

Eventually I won't be angry at him for that.  Eventually I'll find acceptance.  But today it hurts.  

There have been times in years past when I worried that if he got better, what would I do with myself? This was my new identity.  But I have long since relinquished that identity. I REALLY wanted it to be over this time.  I was REALLY ready to move on to our new life.  Of course I knew it would always be there. But I have friends whose husbands have a year or two sobriety.  Why can't I have that? Why does it elude him, and me? 

**After I wrote this I went back to link to the post I wrote about the last time I discovered that Pete had lied to me.  It makes me wonder why we ever trust at all?


  1. I'm so sorry for your pain today. My husband has lied recently also and I feel for you

  2. ah yuck!!! i hate the lies... i hate the finding things.. thats how it always goes for me.. he has yet to admit anything to me first. its so painful. and they do destory things.. and i find myself in the same place as you with those feelings..
    the things that sucks the most is coming back and trying to trust him again... let alone look at him.
    i could tell your posts were as you say winding down. this must have been a super sucky hard turn of events....
    love you lady! thiking of you today.

  3. That's horrible! I'm so so so sorry.

  4. Jane, I am so sorry. I can feel your pain here. You didn't deserve that. Any of it. Love you. I'm praying for you.

  5. I've been there and it sucks so bad. I'm so sorry.

  6. I'm walking in the same shoes. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  7. Hugest of hugs. I don't know how to find that trust again. I can trust him in other things but not this. I wonder if I ever will.
    Ps- figured out how to comment while mobile! So.. There's that. ;) Love you, girl.

  8. I love you.

    And now you've got me wondering - I've never caught him, but I've also never tried, because I felt like I've never needed to. What it my husband really ISN'T the exception, because if Pete isn't....surely mine isn't either. And now I know why it hurts me so bad when your husband slips. I'm so sorry.

  9. I feel your pain. Literally. Love you.

  10. So sorry. I just went through a very similar situation last week. The repeated pain, anger, shame, disrespect, and humiliation are becoming too much. It seems like a simple thing - tell me when you slip. I have "found out" sooo many times. I have given him ample opportunities to tell me and it makes the confronting him so much harder.

  11. I HATE this! I always wonder if my husband knew the pain and anguish he causes me with his issue, if it would even affect him. I love him so much. But everytime I find a video or he confesses it makes me want to do everything I can to be those girls for him. I've tried everything, well maybe not everything but there are somethings I'm not comfortable with. I feel like his issue is causing me to have issues with self-esteem, body image and confidence.

  12. Hi! This is the first time I've read your blog. I can conplwrwly relate(any WoPA can really...) for me, it was the lies. It wasn't the porn necessarily especially in the beginning when I was so naive about what porn was. I knew he needed help, but it was the lues that stabbed into an already bleeding wound. I don't tolerate it. So the xobceraation went something like this..."If I can't trust what's coming out of your mouth then you're out of here." I'm noticing for myself, and you said it too, when they lie we feel like an idiot, how didn't we know or see it.. but you did. Or else you wouldn't have looked. You didn't know WHAT you knew but you knew something. love from a fellow sister in suffering...

  13. I have been following your blog since last year when I found out about my husband's pornography addiction. I know that the lies and betrayal are what kill the most. Please know that you are loved.

  14. I so have been there. Nothing like reading those specific words in the search that make you want to throw up. I hope i get to a better place soon.

  15. So sorry for each one of you ladies pain :( After 17 yrs., of that gut feeling that something is not right, but I could not put my finger on it......well after suspecting it now for a couple of months I have found history of porn that was hidden in drop down files on his smartphone and history of mesages, calls, video chats, files sent (assuming pis).:( very heartbreaking. He denies everything and instantly became very angry and irrational demanding that he deserves trust because he has done nothing wrong!!!! and I persist on this issue or anything related to it now or in the future, he would have no choice but to leave me!!! is this normal for porn addict?