30 April 2012

Another Relapse

The trouble with telling the world all the amazing truths you are discovering is this:

Then you feel obligated to live them.

I feel like I've created an ideal for myself, a way of being that I know is possible but yet feels impossible.

I feel like I shouldn't be sad anymore, because I know I can choose happiness. 

But sometimes I feel exhausted, and incapable of making that choice.  Sometimes it just still hurts.

So I had a good cry last night, and listened to this until I could fall asleep. 

Tomorrow I'll blog about Step 3, because it's what I need.

 Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently thy cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

 Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

 Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

**These aren't Leigh's lyrics, but the most commonly accepted version of the hymn.


  1. a relapse. i'm sorry. it always always hurts. i think choosing to be sad about something is just as important as choosing to be happy. we can choose to mourn and grieve and be heartbroken. feeling sadness for someone is godly. I've had nights of bawling into my pillow until i couldn't breathe and my eyes were so read I couldn't see. This is a painful journey we are on...but i'm holding your hand dear sister.

  2. You have every right to be sad. sadness is only unproductive, when you don't learn from it. I think you are amazing.

  3. You know Jane.... I think that if we are happy and chipper and full of hope ALL the time, we are brushing the REALNESS of it all under the rug, avoiding the real affects it has on us. You know, after all this time, I still cry.... STILL... I think I should be over it... but I'm not and guess what? I will probably never be... in fact, I know I won't... and that is something I'm coming to terms with... Don't minimize your pain.... embrace it, learn from it, and better yourself because of it... that's what I'm trying to tell myself to do anyway... it's a process, as you know :)

    And like Scabs said, we feel sad because of our 'celestial orientation'... because we want our lives to be everything we imagine they should be and more... and when we have to step out of that mode and see life as it really is (imperfect), we grieve.

    You're doing soooo great... Sending you love today... ;)

  4. I'm sorry. That hurts.
    I'm glad you have this ideal to work towards and live up to -- take a day or two to just feel what you're feeling, then use it to get one step closer to where you want to end up!
    Thinking of you!