Another relapse yesterday. A one-two punch that nailed me in the gut. I started to cry, but I didn't want to cry. So I went for a drive and called a friend.
This morning I felt better. But I was worried that I was just suppressing my feelings, and not allowing them to serve their purpose.
I went for a run. It was a blue-sky morning, quiet and still. The sun on my face felt so good I closed my eyes but when I opened them a few seconds later I was in the middle of the road. I guess I'm no good at running in a straight line. But light dispels darkness and the rays of sunshine dispelled my gloom. I listened to this. These words are my lifeline to the divine.
" Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.
When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.
In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take."
I will not be destroyed by these challenges. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life and in this difficulty. I know I am entitled to help from powers beyond my own.
" If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.
Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. "
As I caught my breath I realized that I wasn't avoiding the anger, self-pity and sorrow, they were there. But they weren't debilitating me like they used to. I'm stronger. All the things I've been learning and discovering and receiving from God are working for me. I'm still hurt, and painfully disappointed. But by golly I'm still functioning, and even forgiving.
I really am stronger.