12 April 2012

Double Whammy

Another relapse yesterday.  A one-two punch that nailed me in the gut.  I started to cry, but I didn't want to cry.  So I went for a drive and called a friend. 

This morning I felt better.  But I was worried that I was just suppressing my feelings, and not allowing them to serve their purpose. 

I went for a run.  It was a blue-sky morning, quiet and still.  The sun on my face felt so good I closed my eyes but when I opened them a few seconds later I was in the middle of the road.  I guess I'm no good at running in a straight line.  But light dispels darkness and the rays of sunshine dispelled my gloom.  I listened to this.  These words are my lifeline to the divine. 

" Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.

 When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.
 In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take."


I will not be destroyed by these challenges.  I am so grateful for the blessings in my life and in this difficulty.  I know I am entitled to help from powers beyond my own.

If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.
Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. "


As I caught my breath I realized that I wasn't avoiding the anger, self-pity and sorrow, they were there.  But they weren't debilitating me like they used to.  I'm stronger.  All the things I've been learning and discovering and receiving from God are working for me.  I'm still hurt, and painfully disappointed.  But by golly I'm still functioning, and even forgiving. 

 I really am stronger.


11 comments:

  1. beautiful words! Its an amazing moment to recognize your own strength and possibility.

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    1. Thanks Julie- I'm honored to hear that from you.

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  2. Goosebumps Jane. You are stronger! I'm amazed at your strength everyday!

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  3. Love that first quote. This can make us stronger or destroy us. I think I'd prefer to get stronger. And as for forgiving, a friend of mine recently said that "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." It is so so true. Resenting someone really only hurts us (since most resentment is bottled up internally). I know your'e bummed out (and that's okay), but I was actually surprised at how okay you sounded when we talked. Stronger, indeed.

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    1. Talking to you helped so much, I needed some understanding and good laugh.

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  4. Thank you, I struggle with anger but you give me hope that I can get stronger. You really are and inspiration to me you are very kind, You are the first person that reached out to me. I can not tell you what it means to me.
    Mac, I love the poison analogy that is just what it feels like.

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    1. Thank you green olives. YOU are very kind. I'm so appreciative of the people who reached out to me as well, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

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  6. Oi. I'm sorry - and I'm glad that you can recognize the forward steps you're taking.

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  7. This is one of the first things I started to recognize in myself. I am stronger. Much stronger than I realized. Every day I started to prove to myself that I could do things that I never gave myself credit for. When my husband moved out I wasn't sure how I would do, but I took it day by day. There have been abd still are times where it all seems daunting and I can get down on myself. a couple months ago as I began therapy for myself this is one thing the counselor pointed out. He said something to the effect of "I don't think you even see just how strong you are. With all you've been through you shouldn't be functioning, but you are. You are much stronger than you can see." I think this is all of us. We have so much more stregth in us to survive and be living again. I think I went through too many years not feeling and barely functioning and it's nice to feel alive again. It's nice to feel strength again.

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