There are so many anonymous comments on here, understandably, that it makes it hard for me to address one individually by saying "To Anonymous." But I received a comment yesterday that spoke to me, because I could have written the words myself. So I want to address some of her questions here.
"i want Him to take this burden for me! but, as strange it it may seem, i dont know how!??"
I know what you mean. I'm still working on that. But the best way I can sum it up to is to say this. First- when a feeling of pain, anguish, betrayal, disappointment or anger comes along. FEEL it. Let it in. Cry, punch a pillow, scream, or sob. FEEL it. Then, when the exquisite moment has passed, let it go. If you need a physical symbol of this, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in a box. A box that is tightly taped up, where you can't get it out. But give that feeling to God, and be done with it. It's His now. Listen to a song or do something to distract yourself and don't dwell on that feeling any more. He will take it. He wants to take it.
"im tired of feeling "sick" half of my existence out of fear he's doing it again.
This is one of those feelings you must turn over. It can't be your burden to carry. The worry will drive you mad. This is part of accepting God's will and accepting your husband's agency. Find a tiny little seed of faith, and nurture it. Trust God that even if your husband is looking at pornography, it will be okay. You will find peace.
"im tired of the incomplete trust, im tired of the intimacy problems, worse yet, im at the point of asking, "how many times is enough"?"
Hang in there, be patient with yourself and allow time. All wounds take time to heal. And intimacy requires feelings of emotional safety. Remind your husband, in a kind way, that you will require forgiveness and patience just like he does. How many times is enough? I can't say. But if you really are feeling like you can't handle it anymore I suggest a counselor. He/she can help decide what you are emotionally capable of handling and when it is no longer healthy for you. As for trust, I'm still working on the difference between forgiveness and trust, but there IS a difference. Seek forgiveness, it will come and then you are free to give it. But trust must be earned. I'm still working on this. I have learned though, that I must forgive my husband whether or not he abandons the sin.
To all who are reading- there is a lot of advice out there. But each of us must work many of these things out on our own. There is a manual, it is a pilot program for the loved ones of addicts. It has given me many practical tools to help me cope. In fact, it has been a game-changer for my healing. If you want a copy I can email it to you. firstname.lastname@example.org