I am fortunate, even in this difficult experience, that my husband is anxious for recovery and his addiction has not developed to infidelity or other painful manifestations. But many other women dealing with this or other issues have chosen the path of divorce, and today I had an insight regarding this choice women must make. I have a friend recently divorced and today I imagined her saying this to me.
"You want me to tell you what awful things my husband did to cause me to leave him. You want to understand, or perhaps you are just nosy. And I know that if I told you the sources of my pain, his hurtful behavior, you would feel sorry for me, your heart would be filled with compassion and you would understand. You would treat me with kindness, you would be supportive and you would proclaim your friendship and love.
But it is not fair of you to expect me to tell you. Even though I no longer wish to be married to him, I still care for and respect him enough to not share his weaknesses/problems/sins with the world, or you. Your love and friendship should not be conditional upon knowing the evidence so you can be sure for yourself that I've made the right choice. Can you not support me without forcing me to disclose all the details of my broken marriage?
Furthermore, suppose there were no awful things. Suppose I left him because I am selfish and unforgiving? Does this give you license to with-hold your love and friendship? Perhaps your heart will not be so full of sorrow and compassion for me, but are you not still commanded to love me the same? Treat me the same?"
I appreciate your insights..I am in a situation where my husband has done awful things and is not so on board with recovery...he is emotionally abusive and blames me for his addiction and lies to me often. He says, "he's a man and attracted to women-and that seeing naked women gives him power-so that he doesn't feel inferior..." It is true-I can't tell my friends the reasons I want to divorce him-because it drags him through the mud...adn I cannot possibly explain all the feelings, all the infidelity to "prove" my course of action... or prove all the pain that leads up to the decision to divorce. So many of my friends-and people I know do not love me anymore, they often say "at least he isn't physcially abusive, or he's at making good money"-they think I am at fault for my husbands addiction...they wonder why I can't work marriage out with him. They do not see his abuse or his unwillingness to respect my boundaries and stop the emotional abuse. I wish they loved me...just loved me-instead of judging me. I hope that friend of yours who is getting a divorce can see from you that she has a friend who is trying not to judge her-and to love her unconditionally. My prayers last night were for this kind of friend.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous--That breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you are being criticized for your decision to move on. One day those who are criticizing will have an eye-opening experience and realize their mistakes. They just don't know. They think they do, but they don't. Be strong. We may not know you in person, but we're here for your support.
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