As I read through your emails yesterday my heart started to grow- just like the Grinch in Dr. Seuss’s Christmas tale. I think it grew two sizes for each warm, loving and supportive message I received. Something in my head clicked and I realized that I matter, and that is always a wonderful feeling. Thank you so much for that during this time where I am feeling like I don’t matter to the one human being that I ought to matter most to.
When I started my blog I had two purposes-
1 1- A place to write out my feelings, a journal of sorts.
2 2- A place where other women could come and feel validated.
Pete has read my blog more or less since the beginning. There have been long periods of time when he doesn’t read it, because it triggers him and creates resentments for him, toward me. When he is healthy he is aware of that, and so he avoids it.
I don’t know if he reads it now or not- but when he isn’t healthy I’m not comfortable with him reading my innermost thoughts. I have fears about him using what I write here against me, and when I am unhealthy, I try to protect him from my feelings because I don’t want to upset him or make him angry with me.
In addition, when I write here I want anyone who reads it to know they are getting the read deal, the raw emotions, the actual feelings, not some sugar-coated, censored post where I tip-toe around to protect Pete’s feelings.
Right now my communication with my husband is lousy. We have a truce to not discuss anything related to recovery- which means we aren’t talking about what I write here, which probably isn’t good for us. I just feel uneasy about him having this back-alley way into my soul.
So there you have it- if you’re reading, thanks for coming along.