|I actually took these photos. Isn't that crazy? I was actually in Paris!|
For some reason accepting that my husband is a sex addict happened so gradually that I guess there was never a drastic moment where I was shocked to find myself at a 12 step meeting. But there aren't really any 12 step meetings in the city where I'm living, besides Al-Anon, so per my therapist's suggestions, Al-Anon it was. (No, Pete has not taken up drinking as far as I know...)
That meeting drastically changed my trajectory. It was so amazing. I got weepy from the moment I walked in, from the courage and vulnerability of everyone in that room, the utter, unapologetic honesty and the compassion that made me feel like I was high. (Ironic, huh?)
The things that were shared, the reminders of ideas and concepts I've learned and then neglected, it felt like home and it was so wonderful. It really is a sacred space, and for all the joking that goes on in t.v. and film about 12 step meetings, it is a remarkable place, that can only be understood by the those who have lived a rock bottom and then discovered acceptance, validation and liberation.
A few weeks ago I was in Paris. As we approached the Eiffel Tower Pete and I remarked about the park landscape. Why there was grass there, and not here... silly things. We waited in line and rode the elevator to the top with our children.
The first stop is the first viewing deck. It's high, for sure, and from there I could see the pattern of the landscape in the park.
"Ohhhh! I get it. It makes sense from up here. There is a design that can't be fully appreciated from ground level."
Then we took the lift to the upper viewing deck. From 1,000 feet up everything was even more orderly. Building complexes, street patterns, city archicture, landscape design, It all made so much more sense from up there.
Al-Anon was like a ride in the elevator for me. I could look back on the last few weeks, and even months, with better clarity and perspective.
Oh I see... THAT is why I felt that why... Of course- no wonder this was happening... There is definitely a pattern there...
And then I can trust; trust in a grand design. An even Higher Power, with an even broader perspective. There is so much that doesn't make sense from down here. But I know, I KNOW there is a better way to live than obsessing about why things aren't the way I would make them if I really could control and manage.
And the view really is beautiful when I get the space I need to see it. And I feel relief. And I feel hope. And I feel loved and adequate and strong again.