Every few weeks we would talk about it and I would express concern, but I was usually dismissed. Finally one night, about a week ago the conversation came up and I asked him
"Are you saying you don't want to be in recovery?"
To which he responded
"I don't want to be in recovery for you."
Which I heard as
"You're not worth it."
Logically I know that's not what he meant, but it stung nonetheless. It really stung.
I left the house and walked for awhile and thought about how desperately I wanted to be over this. Done with it. I want so badly to have a healthy, close relationship with him.
But Pete is not in recovery anymore. He might be a dry drunk, he maintains his sobriety, but I don't trust him.
That is so disappointing. It hurts my pride to think that I am back to fighting old battles with myself and my addict. I think I was starting to believe I had influence, even control. But as I walked under the street lamps the other night I gave myself a pep talk.
You can do this. You have tools. You have intuition. You have knowledge. You don't have to trust him. You don't have to doubt yourself. You can't convince him of anything. You are going to be okay. You don't have to prove anything to him or take ownership of his recovery. You can make mistakes. You can do it wrong and then start over. You don't have to fear him. You mustn't feel ashamed. You can do this.
Deep breath. Here we go.
Step one. I am powerless over the addiction of my loved one.