09 November 2014
The morning after Pete unloaded on me I woke up feeling really good. In many ways I felt like a big burden had been lifted from me. Like I was cut loose from the chains that connected us. He was breaking free from me and it felt good to let him go!
I think Pete did need to break free from me. I think he did it in a really cruel way, by being dishonest with himself about me. I think he is disconnected from reality, which is likely the result of his addiction and other things like depression and stress. As a result he sees himself as a victim, me the perpetrator, and he sees the circumstances of his happiness and something beyond his control.
But by detaching from me I feel like he frees me from that responsibility, maybe even in his own mind. I am hopeful that now, on his own, he can take responsibility for his own happiness. This was something I discovered in my own experience. Last year when I detached I stopped asking for him for anything. I didn't ask for help with the kids, or mowing the lawn and I was even able to use my own income so that I didn't have to ask for money when I wanted it. It was so good for me to have that independence, to realize how much I was capable of, to take responsibility for my own happiness. And it all felt really good. It felt good to do things for myself, to be responsible and to show up. It felt good to stop being the victim.
This may or may not happen for Pete, but for some reason I spent that whole day feeling like all that pressure to handle things the right way, the feeling that he was watching and internalizing my every move, and the feeling that I was responsible for his feelings, it was gone. It all disappeared when he blamed me the way he did. It's like he was leaning on me for so long, desperate for my love and acceptance, always believing that it would bring him happiness. But in rejecting me for the way he perceives I have treated him, he set me free. As if to say "You are are not working out for me. I'm done with you." To which I was responding
"FINE! That's fantastic! I don't want your passwords and I don't want your check-ins, I don't even want your feelings."
I know it sounds spiteful, and it was a bit, but it was also incredibly liberating.