The morning after Pete unloaded on me I woke up feeling really good. In many ways I felt like a big burden had been lifted from me. Like I was cut loose from the chains that connected us. He was breaking free from me and it felt good to let him go!
I think Pete did need to break free from me. I think he did it in a really cruel way, by being dishonest with himself about me. I think he is disconnected from reality, which is likely the result of his addiction and other things like depression and stress. As a result he sees himself as a victim, me the perpetrator, and he sees the circumstances of his happiness and something beyond his control.
But by detaching from me I feel like he frees me from that responsibility, maybe even in his own mind. I am hopeful that now, on his own, he can take responsibility for his own happiness. This was something I discovered in my own experience. Last year when I detached I stopped asking for him for anything. I didn't ask for help with the kids, or mowing the lawn and I was even able to use my own income so that I didn't have to ask for money when I wanted it. It was so good for me to have that independence, to realize how much I was capable of, to take responsibility for my own happiness. And it all felt really good. It felt good to do things for myself, to be responsible and to show up. It felt good to stop being the victim.
This may or may not happen for Pete, but for some reason I spent that whole day feeling like all that pressure to handle things the right way, the feeling that he was watching and internalizing my every move, and the feeling that I was responsible for his feelings, it was gone. It all disappeared when he blamed me the way he did. It's like he was leaning on me for so long, desperate for my love and acceptance, always believing that it would bring him happiness. But in rejecting me for the way he perceives I have treated him, he set me free. As if to say "You are are not working out for me. I'm done with you." To which I was responding
"FINE! That's fantastic! I don't want your passwords and I don't want your check-ins, I don't even want your feelings."
I know it sounds spiteful, and it was a bit, but it was also incredibly liberating.
You are so amazing. I'm glad that you feel liberated and that you know the truths to his lies, manipulation, and blaming. I'm glad that you know how to find happiness on your own. But I'm sorry that it makes you feel crazy sometimes. I'm sorry that you feel like you don't matter to the one human being that you ought to matter the most to. I'm sorry that you are abroad, living your dream, (and Pete's dream!), but his addiction is not making the situation as amazing as it could be. I'm sorry that you feel alone sometimes. I'm so freaking mad at Pete, but I also feel sorry for him. I'm sorry that his addiction prevents him from seeing the amazing woman that you are! I want to shake him and say "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE?!!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW STRONG, BRAVE, VULNERABLE, INTELLIGENT, KIND, LOVING, FORGIVING, FUN, ADVENTUROUS, ATHLETIC, AND BEAUTIFUL YOUR WIFE IS!?!?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOUR WIFE AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER, AND YOU HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY EVERY SINGLE DAY AND ARE WAISTING IT!!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE MEN IN RECOVERY THAT ARE HOPING, PRAYING, AND WISHING THAT THEIR WIVES HAD THE KNOWLEDGE, UNDERSTANDING, PATIENCE, AND LOVE THAT YOUR WIFE HAS IN REGARDS TO THIS ADDICTION?! STOP BEING A SELFISH LOSER AND BE THE MAN THAT YOUR WIFE KNOWS YOU CAN BE!!!!!!!" I love you, Jane. We need to talk soon! I'm going to download that app tonight before I forget again! I'm also mad that this blog causes him to feel resentment towards you. Part of me thinks that if he was ever truly in a strong place in recovery, it wouldn't cause him to feel resentment at all - it would cause him to feel love and gratitude for you. He would see how vulnerable and beautiful your writing is and he would see how much you love him and how much potential you see in him to stay in this relationship and to invest so much time in your own healing and to the healing of your marriage.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this is a new start for you two! I'm so proud of everything you have both done to keep moving forward in your recoveries. I can identify with the feelings you're describing which makes me think of a similar pivotal moment in my and my hubby's recoveries/relationship! Thanks for sharing those thoughts and feelings!!!
ReplyDeleteI echo Andrea's comments. I'm glad you've felt this way. What a huge blessing! I'm so glad you have clarity and understanding to see this in such a healthy way. I hope he figures out how amazing you are. Because you are so incredible and kind! Lots of love to you!!!
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