I'm going to go out on a limb here and share my story in the hope that it will be helpful to you. As I always like to say- take what you want and leave the rest.
I want to challenge you on something. I want to question your statement that you "need" your husband to offer daily manifestations of his love, help you around the house, and be a leader for your children. Those things are all keys to a healthy marriage and a successful family life, but I know you, and I know you are strong, and I think right now that you can find peace and happiness without them.
I used to be a sponge for Pete's love, desperately seeking approval and validation from him, longing for his attention. Eventually his addiction became so unmanageable that he was incapable of offering me those things. In fact, he usually did the opposite. Made me doubt myself, left me emotionally alone, withheld his love.
As long as I continued to expect Pete to meet my needs, I felt disappointed and angry. I was oozing with resentment toward him. He failed and failed over and over and it was making me miserable. Eventually I had to let him go. I had to find happiness and personal worth outside of my relationship with him. I didn't say so to him, but maybe I could have said something like this.
"I'm relinquishing you from the obligations I've imposed upon you to make me happy. To fill my cup. To meet my needs. I'm letting you go. For the time being I'm determined to be dependent on myself for those things. I have good people to love and support me. I have children to fill my cup. I don't NEED you right now. You are free to find recovery, or not. But I'm going to let you off the hook. For now. I'm willing to let our marriage fall apart for awhile, with the hope that it will give you the space you need to join me in fixing it down the road."
It's just a kill your own damn buffalo concept. If you want to have family prayer, initate it. If the garbage is full, take it out.
I know it sounds so fiery feminist, maybe because it is, but
YOU DON'T NEED NO MAN.
When I did this at first I was just being a martyr. I was vindictive, and determined to guilt him into change. "I hope he feels like crap when he sees that I mowed the lawn" - type feelings. But eventually it became an empowering and liberating way to live. I DON'T need no man.
I know that in the big picture husband and wife are one. It's a relationship that enhances our joy. But that wasn't/isn't the reality I'm living in.
I love you friend- I know you are strong and you can find the emotional place you are searching for even if your husband never becomes the man he can become.