But yesterday I had a moment where the resentment was just too much to keep away. I hunched over the washing machine as it filled with water and cried my own tears into it.
"WHY WHY WHY?!"
A thousand "whys?"
All the blame, fury, frustration at this stupid problem gushed out of me in sobs. It's hard. It hurts. It is confusing and impossible to understand. And it is so dang complicated.
That was my turning point. When I let go of the anger and let the sadness in.
So yesterday was the angry day and today is the sad day. I'm too emotionally spent for tears today. Being sad seems so much harder. Anger is energizing, driven, strong, powerful. Sadness is weak, debilitating and humbling. Neither is better as far as I can tell. Both are just guests in my life party, invited or not. I don't want to go back to the anger nor do I want stay in this sadness for long either.
Thank you everyone for your support. I didn't mean to draw out any man-hate, I'm learning to separate the man from the behavior. But I appreciate you all.