09 January 2013

The Sad Day

I don't often wish that none of this had ever happened to me.  I know it's strange to say, but some of the things I've learned and more especially the friends I've made are really that important to me.  They mean enough that I couldn't wish them away even if it would erase all the porn my husband ever looked at. (To those who have been through worse than I have I don't expect you to reciprocate my sentiment. And I can completely understand anyone who wishes it all away.)

But yesterday I had a moment where the resentment was just too much to keep away.  I hunched over the washing machine as it filled with water and cried my own tears into it.


A thousand "whys?"

All the blame, fury, frustration at this stupid problem gushed out of me in sobs.  It's hard.  It hurts.  It is confusing and impossible to understand.  And it is so dang complicated.

That was my turning point.  When I let go of the anger and let the sadness in.  

So yesterday was the angry day and today is the sad day.  I'm too emotionally spent for tears today. Being sad seems so much harder.  Anger is energizing, driven, strong, powerful.  Sadness is weak, debilitating and humbling.  Neither is better as far as I can tell. Both are just guests in my life party, invited or not.  I don't want to go back to the anger nor do I want stay in this sadness for long either.

Thank you everyone for your support.  I didn't mean to draw out any man-hate, I'm learning to separate the man from the behavior.  But I appreciate you all.


  1. Great post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts.

  2. Love you Jane:) Wish I was there for you to cry on! I hope you can feel of my love and hugs.

    Here are my favorite thoughts on sad days:(

    "But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:25-26

    You are not alone...I know guardian angels are catching your tears and bearing you up my friend.

    "You and I have faith that the way to rise through and above trials is to believe that there is a "balm in Gilead" and that the Lord has promised, "I will not...forsake thee."--Henry B. Eyring (Mountains to Climb)

    Love, Sparrow

  3. I think that is my turning point too. Today felt better for me, Monday I yelled, screamed and cried in our counseling session. And was so incredibly exhausted. Talking to my sponsor really helped, she was able to bring me back to myself, and the spirit again testified that I am on the right path, even though it is hard - I believe you are too. You are doing great - hang in there, you are in my thoughts and prayers, maybe if you scream really loud it will help - I worried when I yelled that other people would hear me..., so funny, I've never screamed that loud before AT my husband. Lol maybe you should try it :)

  4. May the good Lord touch your life with one of his tender mercies.

  5. I wish there was a way to wish away the sadness, but it seems for me, I just have to take the time to feel the emotion. One day at a time.

  6. I hope you feel better today.

  7. I totally understand your feelings. I have gone in and out of sadness, hate, anger, bitterness, denial, acceptance, bargaining, and all out just feeling numb. It's good to cry and let out all hurt we feel so deep inside, sometimes the hurt is so buried deeply inside we even hate ourselves for feeling these feelings like there is something wrong we with. Just know dear sister that God Loves you so very much. When we are at the end of all we can take tie a knot and pray. God will pick us up and we will feel the light. It may take some time but know you are loved. I hope your having a better day today. Hugs

  8. Jane- My heart breaks for you and I have walked in your shoes so please know that I understand. The "Sadness" is as tangilble as a heavy blanket when dealing with a spouse who has this addiction. I believe it takes great courage, immense strength and grace from God to live with a spouse with this addiction especially when they are not in recovery. Your husband sounds like he is not in recovery which you are probably already aware of. Deception is crushing and has no room in a relationship. Interestly, we can deal with the addiction. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!!! Good for you to get away but don't stay away to long because there is a lot work to be done. Hubby needs to know what your boundaries are. First, I have some questions. Is Hubby meeting with Bishop weekly. (Very important in the early stages of recovery and should be something that hubby is more than willing to do if he is serious about recovery) Is Bishop holding hubby accountable for relapses?(like taking away temple reccomend, refraining from the sacrament) A good Bishop will spell out(with firmness and love) what disciplinary action will happen if they are frequently relapsing. Some bishops are too understanding and accomodating for these men which actually enables them to stay in the addicted spiral longer. If your Bishop is in this category, go to the next layer up to find someone who gets addiction and can deliver firm action and direction. A good bishop will require your hubby to attend weekly ARP. A good Bishop will check on you frequently and if he doesn't then seek him out, because you need his support to stay strong and make good decesions.

    To give you an idea, here is what I did, take it or leave it, use it if helps. I know that you have come across info and help from other people suggesting similar things. I am adding my testimony to it because we tested some of things out and I can report what actually worked. There is hope and a way out of this cycle, I promise you!!!! (post to follow)

  9. (Post continued) Early stage of Recovery
    My boundaries:
    Tell me within 30 minutes if a slip had occurred.(Or decide what that time frame needs to be for you. If he is not speaking up or delaying, it means he could be relapsing into active addcition.)

    He had to check in with Bishop weekly for the first 3 months. And then monthly after that.
    He had to attend weekly ARP. I mean weekly!!! This means not stopping after 3 months, a year, 4years. They must do this and not act like its over becasue there has been no slip for certain amount of time. Nothing can replace ARP. Not even Church calling meetings, doing other good things, you name it. NOTHING can replace ARP. One thing that we found out together that Satan will trick you and hubby into thinking that after there has been no relapse or slip for awhile that ARP can come to an end. That is not true. We have accepted that this is a lifelong deal. If he is resistant to attending ARP---MAJOR dealbreaker and you need to put protective space between you and him. I know that this is a prayerful decision, but make one that helps him to understand that you mean business and that he can't minimize the addiction anymore by smoothing over your feelings, with no action plan. ARP works because it allows the Atonement to heal the hole in his heart/soul and over the long term lessen the addiction's hold.

  10. (Post Continued) Stick to the guardrails. Prayerfully together identifiy guardrails that will keep him safe. Ideas will come to you and mostly to him if he is truly serious about this. If he starts to relax the guard rails let him know and remind him of your boundaries. (Like fight to keep the homefront a sacred space, no exceptions) A little relaxing after a long time is normal because as humans we tend to think that the problem is gone. At this point re-address the guard rails and if he is totally plugged into recovery, he will be remotivated to do it. A sign of a healthy recovery comment from hubby would be something like this, "I think I'm going give up checking news websites unless you are on the phone with me or someone in the room. I don't like the ads that have been coming up lately." Your hubby really needs to identify all his triggers and put the guard rails up. Another sign of recovery is active adjusting or adding new guard rails to address any slip that may occur. The Spirit will truly guide him in this. The story of the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's always come in my mind when I think of guard rails. They had to bury their swords deep and never touch them again because they might to turn to their old blood lusting ways. Its okay to make these kind of sacrifices. For example we will never have TV in our home and that's okay. My children can feel the Spirit more and they have had the time to develop their talents and relationships because we buried that sword. Also it freed up time for me and hubby to work on the couple recovery. Getting rid of the TV was the best thing we ever did!!!!

    Go to the temple weekly if locationally possible when he becomes temple worthy. This is a must for you and him. There were times I couldn't even go with my hubby because I didn't want to be in the same room. When he was worthy to go himself but I was in a pain moment and went at a diffent time. We now can go together and I can feel peace in our marriage, I am amazed!!! The temple is one of our main lifelines. I know this to be true and I wouldn't be here saying all of this to you if hadn't been spending that weekly time there.

    Most importantly Pray your way to recovery. Many of my prayers start out like this: Show me the next step. Show me what I need to do right now or today. Miracles have happened, and dealing with addiction is not over for us. But I will say that recovery of an addicted spouse is like watching a tender plant take root and grow. Its finding what will help that tender plant to grow and not let the addiction win. You are a strong and amazing person who is providing a service to help so many broken hearts to heal. Blessings to you Jane and your family.

  11. It was very thoughtful of you to take the time to write these suggestions. I appreciate your effort, but I don't believe recovery looks the same for all addicts and all spouses. But I am certainly very glad that these things have given you and your husband success! Thank you for sharing, I am always grateful for support.

  12. Jane- Forgive me if I gave the impression that recovery looks the same for all addicts and spouses. I agree that every situation is absolutely different. When I mentioned in my above post "miracles have happened", resulted from the things we tried that others suggested or from Spiritual promptings. There is so much information and opinions on how to tackle this mountain. The one constant through our journey is that the Lord truly guided us to sift out the best information and what we needed to work out recovery. After I awhile I noticed a pattern emerge, especially when we would come to an impasse. The Lord would open a window and we were prompted to do certain things.(In the early days, I was the only one prompted because my husband was so shutdown spiritually) We were prompted to do very specific things that other couples wouldn't necessarily have to do. Every situation is different but the Lord can and will reveal what is needed if we trust him. Our recovery began almost 7 years ago. It has been a very long 7 years. There were times that I didn't think I would make it. It can be a very rough road. I still have sad days where those clouds of pain begin to build but those days are getting less and less and I am so grateful. My husband is a different person from the one I used to know. The addiction truly masked the real person. We have been married over 20 years and it sounds comical that we are just starting to really get to know each other.(another miracle) Like they say, you get there when you get there. Take care of yourself!!!