08 January 2013
I have some fear and trepidation in writing today because first of all, I know Pete will read this and I also know I have no control over how he reacts.
And secondly, I am angry. And if you know me you know that I know better than to hang on to anger. And I won't, I will let it go. But today I'm giving myself a day to just feel it. And write about it.
The holidays had their moments, but Pete went back to work and I had made some decisions and was feeling pretty good. I was actually feeling close to Pete, and after I had set a new boundary (in my mind) I was feeling liberated and relaxed about everything.
On Friday Pete acted out, but didn't tell me. He usually tells me right away, or at least the first time we talk in person. The entire weekend went by and he didn't mention it. He did give one of our children a blessing on Sunday, but I'm not going to even venture into the realm of worthiness. That's his business.
On Sunday night, thinking everything was hunky-dory I decided to tell Pete about my new boundary. I will write about that later, but he responded remarkably well. We didn't talk long, but he had ample opportunity to share his indiscretion, and he didn't. I felt so peaceful, so hopeful, so optimistic.
Finally last night he confessed. And now I'm mad. I'm mad for three reasons.
1. It sucks that he keeps acting out. It sucks that my husband looks at porn. It sucks.
2. I hate that I didn't see it coming. I hate that I missed the signs and I feel stupid for being deceived.
I can usually read Pete pretty well when he acts out. He wears it on his sleeve. Which means that when he isn't telling me that he has acted out, and when I'm not sensing it from him, on some level he is making deliberate efforts to hide it, changing his behavior to be deceptive. And while he hasn't technically "lied" because I never asked if he was sober, he was being dishonest. Allowing someone to believe something that isn't the truth is dishonest. It doesn't foster trust, it encourages suspicion.
It is awful to be deceived, but tolerable when you can see right through your spouse's efforts to mislead you. What is worse, is being made the fool. When you bite. When you buy into all his false mannerisms and artificial contentment. Then you find out that you were clueless.
I know this only lasted a few days, but I am still hurt and angry when I imagine myself sitting on our bed on Sunday, eating up his every word about how he wants a better relationship for us than this whole addict mess.
3. Pete never says the words anymore, but I can read it in his face when he's thinking
"You are over-reacting."
"This is not that big of a deal."
And that is what hurts worst of all. It IS a big deal. Period. I shouldn't have to justify my reactions, and I'm learning not to. They are mine to feel and manage, and I'm grateful for each of you for understanding. Because I KNOW you do.