I have some fear and trepidation in writing today because first of all, I know Pete will read this and I also know I have no control over how he reacts.
And secondly, I am angry. And if you know me you know that I know better than to hang on to anger. And I won't, I will let it go. But today I'm giving myself a day to just feel it. And write about it.
The holidays had their moments, but Pete went back to work and I had made some decisions and was feeling pretty good. I was actually feeling close to Pete, and after I had set a new boundary (in my mind) I was feeling liberated and relaxed about everything.
On Friday Pete acted out, but didn't tell me. He usually tells me right away, or at least the first time we talk in person. The entire weekend went by and he didn't mention it. He did give one of our children a blessing on Sunday, but I'm not going to even venture into the realm of worthiness. That's his business.
On Sunday night, thinking everything was hunky-dory I decided to tell Pete about my new boundary. I will write about that later, but he responded remarkably well. We didn't talk long, but he had ample opportunity to share his indiscretion, and he didn't. I felt so peaceful, so hopeful, so optimistic.
Finally last night he confessed. And now I'm mad. I'm mad for three reasons.
1. It sucks that he keeps acting out. It sucks that my husband looks at porn. It sucks.
2. I hate that I didn't see it coming. I hate that I missed the signs and I feel stupid for being deceived.
I can usually read Pete pretty well when he acts out. He wears it on his sleeve. Which means that when he isn't telling me that he has acted out, and when I'm not sensing it from him, on some level he is making deliberate efforts to hide it, changing his behavior to be deceptive. And while he hasn't technically "lied" because I never asked if he was sober, he was being dishonest. Allowing someone to believe something that isn't the truth is dishonest. It doesn't foster trust, it encourages suspicion.
It is awful to be deceived, but tolerable when you can see right through your spouse's efforts to mislead you. What is worse, is being made the fool. When you bite. When you buy into all his false mannerisms and artificial contentment. Then you find out that you were clueless.
I know this only lasted a few days, but I am still hurt and angry when I imagine myself sitting on our bed on Sunday, eating up his every word about how he wants a better relationship for us than this whole addict mess.
3. Pete never says the words anymore, but I can read it in his face when he's thinking
"You are over-reacting."
"This is not that big of a deal."
And that is what hurts worst of all. It IS a big deal. Period. I shouldn't have to justify my reactions, and I'm learning not to. They are mine to feel and manage, and I'm grateful for each of you for understanding. Because I KNOW you do.
Oh boy, does this EVER hit home.
ReplyDeleteI speak your language, lady. I GET this -I get the need to be angry for a while, to let yourself just feel how painful this all is.
I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers. *hugs*
Sadness:-( But I get it too. Totally. Dishonesty hurts the most. I'm glad you are taking the day to just feel it. I often do the same. I tell myself "I'm giving myself today, and then tomorrow will be new and fresh" and so far that's worked.
ReplyDeletePraying for angels to attend...
I'm sorry. It does suck. My heart goes out to you, and I totally understand. It's like reading my journal.
ReplyDeletefists clenched to the sky! "EEERRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!"
ReplyDeleteLorena Bobbitt (sp?)...fists clenched and thinking her idea wasn't so terrible.
ReplyDeleteEmbarrassment. I always feel SO stupid when I should have known and didn't. I hate hate HATE that feeling. What else am I getting sucked into? What else am I missing? What other stupid things are going on without me knowing about it? I'm so sorry Jane. You're in my prayers tonight (and most every night to be honest...)
ReplyDeleteWill you (someday in your spare time) tell me about how you react in person to stuff like this? I cry and say horrible things to him which is neither constructive nor appropriate but is ALWAYS honest. (sad but true) is there a good canned response that you find helpful? Or do you lose it?
Sorry:( That really does suck and I want to punch him in the gut for you, so he knows it hurts. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you friend:) Sent you an email a little bit ago and felt I should check your blog after sending it. I am glad I did.
ReplyDeleteHugs
:(
ReplyDelete"I know this only lasted a few days,"
This may come off sounding wrong, so please try to see my heart as I say it. This DIDN'T only last a few days. The reality is that the this is not just the couple of days when he wasn't honest. The this the cycle, and it has been going on for a long time. It's seeing his real self and falling in love with that real self again and thinking that maybe this time it's different and realizing, yet again, that it's not. It's a sucker punch. But his real self simply cannot fully stay because the addiction is still there. And recovery will take all he's got. But it is possible.
And that is why it hurts, I think. I'm not here to try to stir the pot or make Pete the enemy, because it's addiction that is the enemy -- his, too. But this is the reality of addiction until serious recovery is found. I think we have so. many. wives. in this situation. I'm seeing it too often. Really good guys get some sobriety and get complacent and then don't do what it takes to get beyond some spurts of sobriety to solid, consistent recovery. And it hurts.
So I'm glad you are letting yourself feel. I think doing that helps you also let yourself look at the painful patterns and figure out, as you are doing, what you don't want to do anymore in that cycle. You cannot change him but you can look at the dynamic and seek God's help about what baby steps forward, detached from the dynamic -- can look like for you -- be it a new boundary, something different in your schedule or rhythm, recovery study focus, fun time -- whatever it may be.
Your man is a GOOD MAN. That is why you love him. But this addiction is real, and it hurts you all. But I believe that pain can be seen not as something to be ashamed of but rather a God-given gift to help you look and figure out, with His help, what you can do to feel all the more surrounded in the arms of safety in this middle-space time of being married while he figures out what he needs to do to get into solid, consistent, trustable recovery.
FWIW, if you haven't yet had a chance to look at it, step 1 of that new manual is so. awesome. including amazing stuff about processing emotions. It's like the old appendix on steroids. And the fear list in step 2 is amazing, too. I know you are wanting to finish the steps, but manoman I feel like the new tools are so powerful...it may be worth looking at and trying some of the new tools they have shared.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Seriously, this is my life too. My husband lead me to believe that he had weeks and weeks sober, but the truth was he was lucky to put together 2 days clean. I hate the feeling of being rooked. I hate questioning myself for not "seeing" it. I hate that it took ME asking the questions to get his version of the truth. It's exhausting to try to think of all of the possibilities and things he could be doing. We will never heal as a couple while he is acting out. Going to meetings has been immensely helpful to make me stronger. I am grateful for the people that have gone before me and are leading me towards my own healing and better health. I am grateful for this blog, even though I have never commented before.
ReplyDeleteWishing you strength, wisdom and peace!
S
Thanks for sharing S. I'm sorry for your pain, but glad we have each other and our friends at group.
DeleteMy husband slipped Sunday, and told me Sunday night. Even though I had been super close to the spirit I totally fell apart, and that shocked me that even though I was working my steps and clinging to the spirit I still went into the full blown anxiety attack complete with the pain in my stomach making almost impossible to eat. I couldn't concentrate, I felt aweful. It reminded me why I am working as hard as I am to get healthy, I remember when I felt this way ALL the time. I don't want to go back to that. It only lasted 2 days but during those 2 days I couldn't function, I hit a point where I told my husband I needed him to cook. And I don't know why, but that helped! We aren't being intimate right now anyway, but this way he still had to help and was made aware more then in the past, of how debilitating it can be when he slips. Maybe as I release more from my codependency the pain will lessen?
ReplyDelete