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As soon as I heard, I teased my mother-in-law for a minute. I told her a statement had been made and watched panic in her eyes while I let the suspense hang in the air. Boy was she relieved. But Pete and I got to talking about it later.
"Even if the church doesn't say it's wrong, doesn't it just seem wrong to be so attached to a beverage that the idea of removing it from your life makes you sweat and fills you with fear?"
I'm not saying this to guilt anyone who has a Pepsi habit. [Totally been there done that. The summer before my senior year of high school my friend and I fed our Dr. Pepper habit with her dad's Chevron gas card until we started getting headaches and our teeth rotted out of our heads.] I'm just reiterating a point I've already made. (Some might call it beating a dead horse.)
I've been thinking a lot about denial. About how porn addicts wait too long before they finally acknowledge there is a problem. Then I read this really great post on Row Boat and Marbles. A couple quotes:
" Want to see an addict panic? Tell him the world just ran out of his drug and he’s on his own now. An addicted brain is in survival mode, doing whatever it can to get its drug, “by any means necessary.”
"One of the best ways for an addict to remain in denial is to convince himself and others that he hasn’t “crossed the line.” He hasn’t yet entered addiction territory. He still just has a “little problem.” The thing about it is that “the line” is completely made up, completely arbitrary and has nothing to do with actually being addicted.
An addict has practically limitless distinctions from which to choose when he defines addiction in his mind. I’m not addicted as long as I don’t look at porn more than once every six month–once every three months–once a month–once a week...
It’s not really addiction as long as I only look at topless women–naked women–solo women–heterosexual couples–no more than two people in the picture–still-life pictures–small pictures–short videos clips–videos less than 30 seconds–two minutes–ten minutes–one hour.”
Until what? Until everything is destroyed? Who wants to live that way? Feeling out of control, justifying, panicking...
Recently Pete and I have "come out" to another couple in our ward who shared with us that they were dealing with this. They are a version of us two or three years ago. Pete and I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them, warn them that NOW is the time to take this seriously.
So what do you do, when YOU are ready to take it seriously and your husband isn't? I'm working on that... thinking thinking thinking...
Amazing post as always, Jane ! I think for me personally it finally meant showing my husband I was no longer going to shove this under the rug. I DO take this seriously. I go to a 12 Step group (have done this before but threw the towel in after less than 6 months I think), seeking counseling for myself, starting to set boundaries, and trying to change me. Really change me. And it's a SLOW process. And I don't think he takes my efforts seriously yet. But I think in time (at least I hope) he will. And just maybe - that will help change his heart.
ReplyDeletei really think this is the big conundrum. Detach?
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I what I did for years was, get mad, bitter, ignore, join in, leave the church, beg, threaten and just about anything else in between.
those were rough years.
how do you hang onto something someone else doesn't seem invested in?
p.s. yes!!! to the pictures.
DeleteAmen, Scabs !
ReplyDeleteYour ending question is my dilemma, almost daily.
Very much the question in my heart. It seems that the only problem he sees is that it hurts me, but that isn't enough to make it stop......
ReplyDeleteDes