Politically speaking, I fall into the category of the "independents." I don't associate with a party, and vote each election on whichever candidate represents my opinions on the issues that candidate actually has influence over, or the candidate that I feel best meets the needs of myself/my family/the country. Anyway, my family was having an ongoing email discussion about politics and my brother said this:
"[Individuals] should find the best in conservatism (traditional family values, religiously-rooted morality, self-reliance, etc) as compelling as the best in liberalism (caring for the poor, helping those who cannot help themselves, constantly striving to improve others' quality of life, etc.) I am heartily skeptical of the side that claims so adamantly to have a monopoly on The Good."
I thought it was a good point. But this post isn't about politics. It's about me. (Haha, because it's MY blog.)
I was having a bad day yesterday. I've been making a conscious effort to get to the root of my negative thoughts, the thoughts that get me down, angry, frustrated, discouraged, depressed. Then in the shower(of course) it clicked. My brother's phrase convicted me.
I think I have a monopoly on the good. I am so sure of my own opinions that it is unbearable for me to accept the differences in others. I expend ridiculous amounts of mental energy collecting evidence to prove myself. When someone disagrees, I look to my friends for allies, to validate me. But it's filling me with despair.
Obviously, this has creeped into my marriage. And having a husband with a pornography addiction has made me feel like I have a license to have a monopoly on the good.
Who is he to dare to disagree with me?
I'm slowly learning that I DON'T have a monopoly on the good. My solutions aren't universal. My ideas aren't the ONLY worthwhile ideas.
BUT- nor does it mean that my solutions and my ideas aren't good. But I don't need to defend them.
I am so tired of my inner turmoil, my daily battles I fight in my brain, trying to validate myself and tear down others. I am truly exhausted from those efforts, ready to give them up.
My only consolation is that I've reached a level of AWARENESS. And that's progress people.