So waaaay back when, in the beginning of it all, I was worried my hero Jacy was becoming a man hater. I sent her an email one night trying to pass along a little seed of hope for her that there are good men out there. In response she wrote this post. (On her old blog, last September.) It's great. Flash forward to today and I read a comment on her new blog from a concerned woman, regarding that post; but for inexplicable reasons she was unable to comment there and commented instead on Jacy's post about Perfection.
Was that confusing? Anyway, I really hope she doesn't mind me doing this, but I want to give her hope too! So I'm going to paste parts of her comment here (it was anonymous) and respond to it. Because these things are very close to my heart.
"I find myself reading blogs like these until all hours in the night, because the
emotions are still strong, and frankly, I'm completely nervous for our society.
We are a mess. Everything is a mess, when it comes to this. I have a son, and
I'm scared to death to raise him. But it's not just him - my girls. What are the
chances they will end up married to someone with this problem? Probably pretty
high that at least one of them will. So I read about it, stew about it, and
again confront my husband to make sure he is not doing it (really, though, I do
believe him, as I've snooped pretty hard, and found 0 evidence).
The ratio of worthy women to men is completely skewed, and getting more
that way every day. What do you think?"
So sorry to butt in here, I know you were probably asking Jacy, but here is what I think:
Am I more worthy than my husband?
I'm currently reading "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell. (Also the author of The Peacegiver.) He talks about this very issue, he addresses the common idea that women are "more spiritual" than men. This is what he says.
"Do I believe that men are helped by women to become more than they could be alone? A thousand times, yes. Just as I believe that our gender differences make men helpful to women in precisely the same way. We tweak each other's weaknesses, which allows for individual and mutual growth that would be more difficult to come by otherwise. To invite one gender to think themselves a mountain and the other to consider themselves but a valley is to pit partners against each other and to sow bitterness rather than love. If it is the duty of the man (which I believe it is) to care first and foremost for his wife, it is equally the duty of the wife to care first and foremost for her husband."
In order to have a mutually fulfilling and joyful, loving relationship with Pete, I have to let go of the idea that I am inherently superior to him in spirituality.
I do not believe a pornography addiction will keep my husband out of the celestial kingdom any more than some of my own selfish, carnal behaviors will keep me out. Of course, I have hope that my husband will overcome his addiction in this life, because his behaviors will always be hurtful to me. But his addiction has no bearing on his worth. One thing I make great effort to convey on this blog is how this experience has caused me to reflect on my own need for a Savior. I, just like Pete, have need of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
I do not mean to imply that all sins are equal. I do not believe this. Some sins are absolutely more aggregious. Pornography addiction is an ugly thing, and in the life of an addict who doesn't turn to the Savior it can wreak havoc and destroy families in the process.
But I do believe all souls are equal. And additionally, all sin keeps us seperated from God, which means we ALL need the atonement equally. I am no more worthy than my husband, in that sense. And I hope that together we will endure through this life to find reprieve from our frailties in the eternities, together.
With regard to my children. I hope they are spared this pain-- and yet it has made all the difference for me in my life. And since no one is spared suffering, I am trying to replace my fear and hopelessness with courage and conviction to teach them about faith, love and gratitude to carry them through whatever difficulty comes their way.
If you read this dear Anonymous-commenter-on-Jacy's-blog, I hope it helps cheer your heart. Life is good. Men are good. We're ALL going to be okay. As Scab's loves to say, we already know which side wins.