The Meaning-Making-Machine

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I once held a human brain in my two latex-gloved hands.  It was in an Anatomy and Physiology lab in college.   My first thought was disgusted disbelief that this rubbery mass that reeked of formaldehyde was capable of being an operating system for a human being.  But then a reverent awe overcame me, and I knew it was in fact capable of such things.  I knew such a wonderous design could only be the product of a divine creator.   And in those smelly seconds before I passed it back to the grad student, I was profoundly grateful for my mind. 

A friend recently told me about the way our brains are "meaning-making-machines."  We are hard-wired to make meaning out of everything.  I'm especially prone to this.  I can't casually observe ANYTHING without my brain making some kind of running commentary about the images my eyes are sending to my operating system.  Everything in the world around me is processed first by my vision and then immediately judgments are made, analysis is begun, and then come the feelings.  Let me give a couple examples.  (I could write examples ALL day long, probably because I'm exhibiting examples in my life ALL day long.)

*A woman stands up and walks quickly out of  church tears streaming down her face. 

- Okay, that's the image.  Here is the immediate, seemingly impulsive and uncontrollable analysis.

 

 

"Wow.  She must be going through a really hard time.  I need to give her a hug after church.  I wonder what it is?!?!  Maybe her husband is addicted to pornography."

 

 

- And then of course the reality: 

Her friend next to her make a totally hilarious remark, she can't stop laughing, the tears start flowing, she puts on her most serious expression to cover her faux-pas and makes a break for it to salvage some dignity. 

* I go to pick up my kids from my mother-in-law who was babysitting them.  She has their shoes on, the diaper-bag all packed up and they are sitting on the front porch.  [Image]

"Oh man.  It was a bad day. She can't wait to get rid of these kids.  I wish she would just tell me if she didn't enjoy babysitting them.  I'm more than willing to find someone else.  Gosh, could she make it any more obvious how anxious she is for them to leave?!" [Meaning-making-machine analysis.]

She knew I would be exhausted.  She was doing her best to be thoughtful and considerate.  She thought I would really appreciate not having to gather up belongings, put shoes on, and herd the kids (like sprinting cats) from around her house and yard into the car.  [Reality.]

I'm no good at numbers, but statistically speaking what are the odds that the meanings our brain is pumping out at light speed are actually accurate? One of my favorite quotes fits nicely here.  From Francesca Farr:

"Our view of reality is only a view, not reality itself." 

It's as if I am incapable of LIVING without constantly speculating and making assumptions that often  lead me down paths of resentment, hurt, jealousy, or even pride and false superiority.

The harm isn't so much that my brain is constantly trying to attach meaning or analysis to every situation, interaction and communication (although I think I can work a little to minimize that)  the harm is that these judgments I am making about the world around me are strongly influencing my feelings, which therefore influence my behavior. 

The 12-step manual says "Feelings are not facts."   What my friend was trying to point out to me was that when I listen to Pete tell me things, I have to try my hardest not to assign meaning to them right away.  It's becoming easy for me to dismiss anything negative he says about me as "lies of the irrational addict mind" when there are times that I need to listen humbly and carefully to what he's trying to express.  

{As a side note, I'm TERRIBLE at discerning the difference.  Advice welcome!!}

 So, while I am so grateful for this busy brain of mine, I know that I need to do a little practice. It's not just Pete's words, but also his behaviors (why didn't he respond to my text?, why didn't he kiss me good-bye?, why is he taking so long in the bathroom?, why is he being so kind/unkind?) that I need to be more open-minded about.  And it's not just Pete, but every other person in my life. 

I'm curious about this, if anyone has any understanding of why our brains are instinctively making meaning out of everything we see, tell me about it.   I'm fascinated. 

100th Post

Wow.  I really can't believe I've had that much to say.   Who am I kidding? I'm never lacking in things to say.
In celebration (?) I have a few links to post:

A teaser for the SHAMED movie.  I can't help but feel love and hope when I watch these videos.  I would love to have some of these people over for dinner.  Including the professionals. 
http://vimeo.com/45676200

Since this is the place where I can share all the things that are too Taboo to share in my real life: Here is a link about "Defuzzing Your Person."  Sometimes I'm in the mood for this sort of thing, today I'm not really.  But maybe you are?  I like it because this lady is very respectful of body, and if it's not your thing, that's great.  http://velvetdragon.com/etc/shave.html

Some really good info on codependency.  Just when I think I've learned it all (haha!) I find some new helpful knowledge.  Knowledge is so great.  http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/library/code/codelds/codeldsauthor/links/hopebook/adjustin3.htm

Right now I feel like I'm getting so much better at coping with relapses, but I'm also realizing that in a weird way I just postpone my reactions.  (Thanks Alicia for helping me see this.) Instead of having an immediate meltdown, I have a slow and subtle slip into my self-pity funk.   Which leads to an eventual relapse into some more subtle codependent behaviors.  

I suck at analogies.  Really.  But I came up with this bizarre one that best describes the way I feel about my WoPA friends. 

Have you ever stayed in the bathtub until all the water is drained out?  Laying in a warm full bathtub is comfortable.  But as the water slowly drains your body is left to support it's own weight.  Bodies are heavy and bathtubs are hard.  By the time all the water is gone it is really uncomfortable to be laying there.  

Thanks for being my bathwater everyone.  Seriously your love and comments (particularly the ones that have the word "bahahaha" in them) are my bouancy to keep me from feeling the hard parts of life too uncomfortably. 

Do I really have another 100 posts in me?  Pshh. Probably.

Jane Ruminates on Addiction

This is going to be one of those posts where I'm not sure where it's going to end up, I just want to share my thoughts. 

Background:

1- Once in awhile I start to doubt whether what is happening in my life is a big deal.  Is pornography really bad, or just bad because I've been raised to believe that? Is it really a big deal if Pete looks at pornography "once in awhile?"  I've been reading Josh Weed's blog, which is great and everything, but I've also been reading the comments, and they are destroying me! There are so many lies out there, but when someone says a lie with confidence, or eloquence, I start to believe it. 

2- Pete is in the midst of another hard time.  A slip here and there.  This morning he called me, it was a bad night. Hours of white-knuckling, anguish, compulsion, remorse, frustration, discouragement, lonliness.  He is currently out of town, and as an interesting side note: he always locks the tv remote in the hotel room safe.  So when he got up in the middle of the night, desperate for a fix, all he could access by flipping channels manually on the tv was boxing on HBO.   As we all know, the addict will find a way when the addict's irrrational brain takes over.  But it likely would have been worse if he hadn't taken those precuations. 

Anyway-

I got to thinking after my conversation with him.  I stripped it down to the following idea.

Pete's body wants him to do something his brain doesn't want to do.  Take away the reasons his brain doesn't want to do it (he doesn't want to hurt me, his church tells him it's wrong, he feels guilty afterward).  Just take away all those reasons and simply say "He doesn't want to do it."  But his body wants it, his neurons are firing a thousand times a second and those impulses are manifested for him in nausea, shakiness, insomnia.  It's a physiological craving he has no control over. 

Who wants to live that way? That is addiction at it's finest, right? Who wants to have a behavior that despite every intellectual effort to ignore, feels unstoppable.  It is truly a loss of control.  And in my mind, with regard to my body, I want control. 

It's not okay, because of all the reasons I mentioned above, that it hurts me, it IS wrong, and it is harmful to the souls of those who participate on both sides of the screen.  

But even when I have my doubts, I can fundamentally know, that there is nothing I want in my life, and I'll speak for Pete here, there is nothing he wants in HIS life, that keeps us from living the way we want to live.  I guess that's what they mean when they say our lives become unmanagable.  Our compulsive behaviors keep us from living a fulfilling and meaningful life, as manifested by Pete's total lack of sleep last night, and the exhausting day he faces today. 

I think anything that we wish to stop doing, and find ourselves physically unable to do so, is contrary to God's plan for us.

But that's just Jane ruminating.

Inherent worth

So waaaay back when, in the beginning of it all, I was worried my hero Jacy was becoming a man hater.  I sent her an email one night trying to pass along a little seed of hope for her that there are good men out there.  In response she wrote this post.  (On her old blog, last September.)  It's great.  Flash forward to today and I read a comment on her new blog from a concerned woman, regarding that post; but for inexplicable reasons she was unable to comment there and commented instead on Jacy's post about Perfection. 

Was that confusing?  Anyway, I really hope she doesn't mind me doing this, but I want to give her hope too! So I'm going to paste parts of her comment here (it was anonymous) and respond to it.  Because these things are very close to my heart.

"I find myself reading blogs like these until all hours in the night, because the emotions are still strong, and frankly, I'm completely nervous for our society. We are a mess. Everything is a mess, when it comes to this. I have a son, and I'm scared to death to raise him. But it's not just him - my girls. What are the chances they will end up married to someone with this problem? Probably pretty high that at least one of them will. So I read about it, stew about it, and again confront my husband to make sure he is not doing it (really, though, I do believe him, as I've snooped pretty hard, and found 0 evidence).

The ratio of worthy women to men is completely skewed, and getting more that way every day. What do you think?"

So sorry to butt in here, I know you were probably asking Jacy, but here is what I think:

Am I more worthy than my husband?

I'm currently reading "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell.  (Also the author of The Peacegiver.)  He talks about this very issue, he addresses the common idea that women are "more spiritual" than men.  This is what he says. 

"Do I believe that men are helped by women to become more than they could be alone? A thousand times, yes. Just as I believe that our gender differences make men helpful to women in precisely the same way.  We tweak each other's weaknesses, which allows for individual and mutual growth that would be more difficult to come by otherwise.  To invite one gender to think themselves a mountain and the other to consider themselves but a valley is to pit partners against each other and to sow bitterness rather than love.  If it is the duty of the man (which I believe it is) to care first and foremost for his wife, it is equally the duty of the wife to care first and foremost for her husband." 

In order to have a mutually fulfilling and joyful, loving relationship with Pete, I have to let go of the idea that I am inherently superior to him in spirituality.

I do not believe a pornography addiction will keep my husband out of the celestial kingdom any more than some of my own selfish, carnal behaviors will keep me out.  Of course, I have hope that my husband will overcome his addiction in this life, because his behaviors will always be hurtful to me.  But his addiction has no bearing on his worth.  One thing I make great effort to convey on this blog is how this experience has caused me to reflect on my own need for a Savior.  I, just like Pete, have need of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I do not mean to imply that all sins are equal.  I do not believe this.  Some sins are absolutely more aggregious. Pornography addiction is an ugly thing, and in the life of an addict who doesn't turn to the Savior it can wreak havoc and destroy families in the process.

But I do believe all souls are equal.  And additionally, all sin keeps us seperated from God, which means we ALL need the atonement equally.   I am no more worthy than my husband, in that sense.  And I hope that together we will endure through this life to find reprieve from our frailties in the eternities, together. 

  With regard to my children.  I hope they are spared this pain-- and yet it has made all the difference for me in my life.  And since no one is spared suffering, I am trying to replace my fear and hopelessness with courage and conviction to teach them about faith, love and gratitude to carry them through whatever difficulty comes their way. 

If you read this dear Anonymous-commenter-on-Jacy's-blog, I hope it helps cheer your heart.  Life is good.  Men are good.  We're ALL going to be okay.  As Scab's loves to say, we already know which side wins. 

Right?

Step 5: Confession

I was pretty nervous.  How often do you sit down with someone and pour your heart out, bare your soul, confess to the ugliest parts of you that you are so ashamed of you've ignored them for years and years? 

Well, I never had before.

And yet I had a sense of anticipation, that this was going to be monumental, that it was a new beginning, and opportunity for change and progress.

I drove in silence, I tried to think of a song that would bring me peace but my mind came up blank.  I drove to a part of a nearby town where you might expect to find addicts living, and pulled into the driveway of my sponsor's duplex.  She met me there, with a giant hug.  I immediately felt loved.  We sat, she brought me a glass of water and offered a prayer. 

On her wall hung one of those wood boards you see at craft fairs, or you might make at a super Saturday activity.  The kind with cheesy vinyl sayings like "All Because Two People Fell In Love", the kind of sayings that on your rough days with your addicted husband make you want to barf.  But instead of of a trite, cliche phrase, in metal plating it read

"Recovery is a family value."

I loved it.  I wanted to take it home with me.  I want to hang it right over a framed list of the 12 steps.  Right in the entry way.

Before she let me start reading she gave me some encouraging words.  I don't remember what the words were, but their general effect was to embue me with confidence.  And it worked.  I started and I plowed through pages of weaknesses and character flaws that haunt me.  A couple times she laughed, and I looked up to see what was so funny, only to realize that she was laughing because she could relate, she had those problems too. 

I finished my list of strengths and weaknesses, mostly emotionless.  We discussed.  Then she pointed out that I had said nothing of my husband, or my relationship with him.  She worried about this.  So I pulled out my pages of resentments toward people.  This one.  I hadn't planned on reading that.  I had felt like I covered most of those issues in the list I compiled about myself. 

But God wanted me to read it.  And I couldn't make it through without the pain of those relationships bringing me to tears.  I wept as I confronted the broken parts of me.  Saying them out loud finally made them real, and it hurt. 

She gave me some comforting thoughts and an assignment of something to read.  We started to wrap things up right as the front door opened and her adult daugther walked in, reeking of cigarette smoke.   She's a recoverying addict herself and offered to leave, but I told her she could stay, we were almost done.  She offered me a hot dog and sat down with a couple for herself.  She made me laugh, and we made addict jokes. 

My sponsor walked me out to my car and reminded me of my worth, in a moment when I was feeling pretty weak.  Another hug, more love.

I drove away at dusk feeling like it wasn't over yet.  I drove to our church, out in the country, and pulled into a spot at the back of the parking lot.  I walked out onto the wet grass, the sprinklers had just been on.  I found a spot by a couple of pine trees and knelt down. 

Then I prayed, Enos style.  I poured my heart out.  I threw eloquence and formal prayer language out the window and I said whatever came into my head.  I apologized for being ungrateful.  I plead for forgiveness for hurtful things I've done to others.  I confessed that I knew I was wasting my talents or neglecting my responsibilities.   I asked for his help.  I asked for forgiveness.  I begged for him to change my heart.   I thanked him for my blessings and for the good people around me.  I acknowledged him and his hand in my life. 

I word vomited to God.

And cried some more.

When I was done it was dark and I looked up at the moon.  I thought of Jesus Christ, and felt so relieved that it didn't matter that I am so imperfect. 

"In taking Step 5 we admit to our Heavenly Father in a very personal way our need for the gift He offers in providing us with a Savior.  This tender exchange not only deepens our emotional and spiritual connection with our Father in Heaven, but also with our Savior, who encircles us in the arms of His love and whispers peace to our souls.  We are reminded by the assurance of the Holy Spirit that we are loved, singularly and personally.  Receiving this assurance of God's love for us does more than any earthly source to fill us with genuine acceptance of ourselves, gratitude for our strengths, and hope in spite of our human frailties."  (Step 5, Healing Through Christ 12-step manual.)

Now, when my human frailties rear their ugly head and I see them for what they are, I find comfort in knowing that I don't HAVE to be that person any more.  I can change. 

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go."  (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

Those Aren't Fightin' Words

I read this  NY Times article a few months ago, and really admired and respected the author.  Then, when I co-worker of mine told me that her husband said he no longer loved her, I dug it up again to share with her.  As I read through it again myself I was reminded of the amazing truths she articulates. 

A quote:

"You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it."

And another,

"I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen."

And one more,

"When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal."

If you are still struggling to understand detachment, or just need some courage or motivation, her words might inspire you.

But, for me it is just this ever-present struggle to fight self-pity.  I am STUCK on the idea that in fact, relationships, success and so-called beauty are the things that would make me happy if I had more friends, better behaved children, or more completed home improvement projects. 

I'm currently reading a book that is making me really ponder the idea that I am entitled to certain things, or that I deserve a certain life.  I'll write more about it later, but in the meantime I'm working hard to accept that a lot of time can be wasted in bitterness about being denied what I thought I deserved.  Just like she said, some childhood myths turn out to be just that.  I can let that sucker-punch knock me down, and let the disappointment justify my underlying sadness. 

Or I can duck. 

(Now go read the whole article, I promise this one isn't too long! And my last line will only make sense if you do.)

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=2&_r=4&adxnnlx=1319069078-tWVtSFPl5piXmMJn1kZ1aw

Step 5: Part I - The "support person"

In response to some questions about my sponsor/support person that I shared my inventory with:

I alternate meetings every other week with two different groups in my area.  But the group where I originally began attending is constantly evolving.  There are only one or two women who have been attending as long and consistently as I have.  (Aside from the missionary and facilitator.)  This makes it difficult for very good sponsorships to develop.  As I was doing my Step 4 inventory I was worried about who I would share it with.  There was one "sponsor" that I knew of, and at first I didn't feel like I could relate to her.  As the time for my sharing grew closer, I approached the missionary and she gave me the names of a few women who had offered to listen to inventories.  The one I knew best was the sponsor in the group, and I decided to trust that Heavenly Father was aware of me, and that this woman would fulfill my need for a support person. 

She turned out to be experienced, kind and very supportive, but I'll write about that later.

Step 5 is called "Confession" and it includes admitting to Heavenly Father and another person our discoveries about ourself and our weaknesses, strengths, attitudes and beliefs.  I'm just going to reiterate what the manual says about this "sharing" experience.

- When necessary, confessions should be made to proper priesthood authority.
     * I don't think this necessarily means that you share your entire inventory with your bishop, just any relevent unresolved sins. 

- Where appropriate seek out the help of a professional counselor.
     * Once again, I don't think this means that someone you are paying money to listen to you is necessarily the best person to share your entire inventory with.  But some issues from the past may arise that might be best resolved with professional help.

- It might go without saying, or it might not, that the person you share your inventory with should be the same gender.

- Your support person should not be an immediate family member.
   * I think the reason for this is that it might prevent you from being completely honest or it might cause hurt or harm to the individual you share with. 

- This person should be someone you can trust, who will show empathy.  Their role is not to give advice, it is just to listen and to keep you from "exaggerating or minimizing [your] accountablity."

and for that reason...

- Where possible it should be a person who has completed their own Step 4 and Step 5 and is familiar with the purpose and the program.

I've heard people say they have done it over the phone if need be.  My biggest suggestion is even if you can't find an offical "sponsor", find someone you can be totally honest with, who will be kind.  It is scary to bear your soul, to put all your secrets out there, but it will be most rewarding if you can do it in an environment, with a person, that is safe and gentle.

Step 4: Jane's way

I finished my Step 4 written moral inventory. 

BIG. HUGE.  SIGH.

It was painful, but tremendously cathartic.  Most of what I want to write here, today, is just the logistics of my experience, what I did.  Because in the beginning, I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  I didn't know where to start, I felt like the outline in the manual was too ambiguous.  So I reached out to a couple people who had completed theirs and then I just started writing.

First, I wrote a biographical sketch.  I started at birth and included any relationship or event that popped into my mind.  I just wrote, trying not to analyze anything, just to include things that I felt I either had residual negative feelings about, or that I felt demonstrated some kind of meaningful experience.  As I wrote, I did start to notice patterns and themes in my life and my relationships. So in another document, I started making a list of my strengths and weaknesses, and recorded my reoccurring shortcomings there.  

I wasn't satisfied with this, I wasn't sure I was uncovering everything I needed to.  So I turned to this website: (shared with me by Scabs)  http://www.step12.com/step-4.html

In contains four worksheets from the AA 12-step program to assist with the inventory.  I only completed the first one because I felt like it was the one that most applied to me, and because by this time I was three months into this process.  It was very helpful, and it gave me the opportunity to take responsibility for some grievances I have long held against people in my life, particularly people I love most.  (Ironic, perhaps?) 

After finishing that worksheet I had more information about myself to add to my list of strengths and weaknesses.  So for the last few weeks I have just been contemplating the following paragraph from the aforementioned website:

"If you doubt that you have any problems -- just think back to the last time that you felt restless, irritable and discontented. Remember when you got angry - with your self or with another person. Remember the last time you were disturbed. Remember the last time you had a problem or troubles. The last time you felt uncomfortable and not at ease in a situation. What was it? Whom was it with? What happened? "

Eventually it got to the point where the root of my discontent could be traced back to a handful of insecurities, weaknesses or attitudes.  At this point, I felt like I was ready to be finished.

I don't share all this because I think I did it the RIGHT way.  There is no RIGHT way, only the way that is right for you.  I constantly fought the temptation to feel like I needed to be more thorough, write more, think more.  But I realized this process is ongoing, and as I personally plan to have the 12 steps as a part of my life indefinitely, I know I will have more opportunites for self-reflection.  After I had mostly completed my inventory, at group meeting we read Step 4 from the original manual for addicts, and that was also very helpful.  (There is a list of questions on page 22 that I think I will use whenever I find myself "irritable" or "disturbed.")

Just in closing I want to share a quote that helped me stay afloat during periods of despair as I realized my own nothingness.  (I apologize if I've shared it before, it's a personal favorite.)

"We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil's dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self.  We need the first and must shun the second, remembering when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold, but also to beckon." 

"Come on over" my conscience says to me.  "Here you will find that no matter your weakness you are still worthy of the atonement and the love of Jesus Christ."

Introducing Club Unicorn

After hard times I become a sponge for inspiration and knowledge.  Everything I read I apply to my own life and situation.  So I just want to share a few articles/blogs/things I've been spiritually digesting of late.

I'm often the last to hear about things, so if you've already read this story/blog then you can skip straight to the comments and validate my opinion. Haha.  Just kidding.   It's about an LDS gay man, happily married to a woman.   I don't really want to get into a discussion of his lifestyle choices here, you can read the 3,634 comments for that.  I just want to talk about how much I appreciated his courage, his authenticity and his humor.  So, here's what I love about Josh Weed coming out of the closet.

1.  I admire his authenticity.  There are obvious parallels between the shame he felt at times and his concern for how people in his life would react, with my own life.  While I get the impression that he no longer feels any shame about who he is, (and his wife likewise) I am sure it was a process to get there.  I often feel the difficulty of keeping secret this very defining experience of my life.  I can relate so much to their desire for the protection of privacy and anonymity, and yet the nagging feeling that there is value in vulnerability and honesty.

2.  I LOVE what he said about intimacy.  It gives me so much hope that on our journey Pete and I can discover the closeness and communication associated with sex, that isn't related to hormones or carnal desires.  Mr. Scabs reassured us all that sex in marriage is a totally different ballgame than sex with prostitues, or the sex depicted in pornography.  I feel like Josh totally validated this point from a totally unexpected point of view, and I love it. 

3.  His general LOVE for everyone seeps from his words.  He is in a position to be compassionate and loving because he can relate so well to so many different situations.  I really believe that a significant part of his joy and fulfillment comes from the things I am so desperately trying to learn. He is making the best of the hand he was dealt, and in the process he is learning how to really love. 

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet some of the women I've met online.  During the hours I spent at the airport, on the plane, and then in the airport again I was filled with so much giddy, excited LOVE that I was being kinder to everyone, smiling at everyone.  I really felt like I was "in love" all over again.  This experience taught me an important lesson.   The joys of love are SO MUCH bigger than sexual attraction in a romantic relationship.   True love for an individual outside of marriage, or even family, can exist and be overpowering and all-consuming.  And it can make us feel an abundance of happiness and desire to be better people.   Going out on a limb a bit here, I think that is one of the keys to Josh's happines as a gay man in a straight relationship.  At first, that love develops betweeen one or two people who have become vulnerable to you, and you to them, then it can expand and grow until you feel it for everyone around you, and you can truly accept people as they are. 

Anyway- his "coming out" post is long (I'm so demanding with my requests for your time, aren't I?) But read it all the way through if you can, there is good stuff from beginning to end. 

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

Another great video

Someone on the forum shared the link to this video.  It was really good, very informative and validating.  My only disappointment was that the divorced woman they interviewed said she felt like she had done everything she could to "fix" the problem, and I only hope that she has let go of the idea that it was hers to fix.  I admire her very much for her wisdom during the experience, courage to share, and the overall kindness she still feels for her ex-husband.

Anyway- it is 28 minutes so watch it when you have the chance. It talks about the negative effects of pornography, particularly on relationships, hope for overcoming addiction in a marriage, and how to prevent future problems with pornography addiction in our children. 

http://byutv.org/watch/b933fe5c-3201-4cca-a124-e4e6492a9122#ooid=ZvazJuMTop5S0AEO2UsDn03tvm3y_6Qx

My favorite line regarding discussing the problem with our children:

"Every family is different, every child is different.  You decide what the right age is, then subtract three years and then you are only a year late." 

Let me know what you think of it.