Take Two or thirty or 1000 - Part II

Sandro Botticelli 

When I came home from my perilous midnight walk, one hand on my cell phone and one hand on my keys, Pete was waiting for me.  He apologized and said he'd felt awful about how he treated me.

He was genuine and I appreciated the apology.  I've been trying the last few months NOT to detach. Detaching is so instinctive for me, and I've been resisting it because I believe in vulnerability and I want physical and emotional intimacy in my marriage.  

We left on vacation a few days later and I tried to take a couple opportunities to be affectionate and engaged with Pete.  Then one morning we woke up and things felt off.  Some circumstances of our travel had me emotionally raw, and I think I was still feeling a little fragile from the earlier episode.  The whole day was muddled and we were irritable with each other.  That night when we tried to talk about it Pete started spilling out blame and frustrations about me.  At first I trusted my gut- I knew it was addict talk, I KNEW I should walk away, avoid the bait.  But then I bit. I just thought that somehow I could make him see, if I just found the right words I could prove his "unwellness" to him.  It ended badly.  Doesn't it usually?  I said I felt unsafe and he said 

"I hate it when you say that.  It's not like I've ever hit you." 

But he may as well have.  My head was reeling and my heart was pounding and I triggered badly.  

This time, on the bathroom floor of our hotel room I sobbed and prayed.  

"God- all I know how to do is what I've been learned so far.  All I have is the knowledge I've been given.  If I'm doing it wrong please let me know - But I have to get out of his car."  

**********************

I can't quite remember who gets the credit for this analogy- but it's one of my favorites.  

As WoPA we ride along beside our husbands in the car.  He starts to drive like a maniac and we feel afraid, our hearts race and we beg him to slow down, watch the road, act responsibly.  He ignores our pleas, there is anguish in his madness, he is driven by an unseen force.  Then we crash.  The ambulance arrives and he is surrounded by EMTs and officers, willing to help him.  Bruised and bloodied we are ignored.  After he receives support and medical attention he gets back in the car and at last we are noticed! But wait-

"Get back in the car" they say.  "He is better now" they say.  

So I did.  And then I started to notice he was being a bit reckless around the corners, and getting carried away with his speed.  I asked him gently, softly if he should stop, if he needs a break or a deep breath.  I'm ignored and dismissed.  

I don't feel safe anymore.  I know how this ends.

**********************

I have to get out of the car.  It might be a lack of courage, a lack of willingness to get bruised and bloodied again, I might be operating out of fear.  But I have to get out.  

At this present moment I am incapable of having a partnership with a man who is incapable of offering me compassion, empathy, trust.  He has great potential, I have seen Pete in recovery and he is a man worthy of the most tender parts of me. But when he is not in recovery or not seeking help, my offerings of love and affection will never be enough to fill his void.  In the throes of his addiction he is a black hole to my endearments and generosity. Sucking, taking, gulping, swallowing, and remaining always unsatisfied.  My vulnerability feels like pearls before swine; unnoticed, unappreciated, trampled.  

There was no apology after our last argument.  I can feel his resentments toward me oozing out his pores.  There is so much anger.  

On the bathroom floor as my breath slowed, I felt God ask me to surrender his son.  So I did.  And I try to each moment, each awkward passing in our home and each empty glance and uncomfortable exchange.  

Camp Time & Story Time

Sooooo it's time for another Camp Scabs- or three!

There will be two sessions in Salt Lake City in March - see here:

I know those two are filling up fast, and I have a personal connection to the Island Park camp so I'm going to share a little bit about that one.

I have a dear friend who I shared my story with about a year ago.  She has been an amazing support.  I've only ever told two other "real life" friends and neither have been as compassionate, proactive and accepting as this friend.  She has educated herself so she could better understand, she has taken up the cause in her own community and she has felt strongly that there needs to be a camp in Island Park. She won't be attending camp but she has pulled some strings to make it more affordable and just really amazing.

It's close to Rexburg, about an hour away and I know that some of you dear WoPA are from eastern Idaho. It's about four hours from Salt Lake (in case either of those weekends don't work out) and five hours from Boise. It will be on Thursday April 10 to Saturday the 12th.

Please come. Read more about what we do at camp here and here.  If you are interested or have any questions email me hisstrugglemystruggle @ gmail dot com

********************

I have a fabulously inspiring and proactive WoPA friend who has started a blog of sharing stories.  If you would be willing to write your story, or if you would just like to read others, go here.

Nasty Insecurities

Credit

This Saturday is The Togetherness Project.  (If you still think you would like to attend I'm pretty sure Jacy won't turn you away.)

Over a year ago Jacy and I met in person.  Together with Scabs, Mac, Buffalo Gal and other amazing women we spent a weekend having an experience that I think changed all our lives.  I think it planted a seed for Jacy that has now grown into a full-blown event. 

As the weeks leading up to the event passed and I didn't register I couldn't put my finger on why.  I've spent two weekends away from my family at Camp Scabs (another beautiful idea that came from our original retreat) and another weekend running in a race.  There has been a persistent feeling that I should stay home this weekend.  I chalked it up to being here for my kids because Pete is actually attending an SA conference this weekend as well.  But I still hadn't quite been able to really wrap my head around why I am missing this opportunity to learn, but especially to see my amazing WoPA community. 

This morning as last minute emails are flying around, and weekend plans are being made, I had a meltdown.  It would be easy to say that I just felt sad about not being there, but it was more.  It is a fear, a really deep insecurity that I have.  While I washed a cookie sheet and tried to process all my feelings Ben Howard sang to me

"I've been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear."

I'm afraid that if I'm not there people WON'T miss me.  I'm afraid that if I don't go I'll miss out on the recognition I might get for being involved, for being part of that original group of women who dreamt big.  I fear that my friendships will suffer because other friendships are strengthened.  Fear about missing all the validation that my WoPA offer me.  Fear that my worth is proportional to the number and quality of these relationships I have. Fear that I'm missing out.  Fear that it will be amazing (which it will) and I will regret not being there.

And of course my biggest fear of all, my fear that by not being there, I am inherently inferior to all those who are there. 

I'm learning to lean into the pain so I sat on the couch and cried it out.  I turned to God, and he answered me. 

"This is why I didn't want you to go.  I want you to look these fears and insecurities in the eye and own them. And face them.  And then overcome them." 

I wish I could be there. I wish I could see you all. I wish I could soak up all the wisdom from the amazing speakers.  But for Heaven's sake! I'm not the loser I'm making myself out to be.  And the only way missing this event could possibly be worth it is if I can really really internalize that and get through the weekend without having another fear-based meltdown.

So I'll spend Saturday with my little people, and try to practice a little gratitude, live in the present and trust that when it's over my friends will still be my friends. 

No Ordinary People

I've recently returned from another Camp Scabs.  These retreats blow my mind.

How is it that a woman can get on a plane and fly to a city to spend a weekend with perfect strangers, and yet in those 48 hours share the most intimate details of her life?

Because the brave souls open their hearts first.  And they are met with a response so full of love, compassion and acceptance that the room feels sacred, and possibly the most safe place on earth.

I can not come up with adequate words to express my gratitude for the opportunities I have to meet remarkable women.  But the truth is, I believe we are all remarkable, we are just too inhibited by fear, and misunderstood by false ideas to be noticed. 

I love you all. Share your story. Reach out. Own your truth.  Be brave. 

Camp Scabs Idaho - Update

Isn't this rad?

The venue is booked and the dates are set.  (September 27-29)

For more details go here to Scab's blog, or click on this link to her Camp Scabs page. (You will find info about who is invited, how much it will cost, and what we will do.)

I am so excited about this! For anyone driving or flying into Boise from out of town, plan to arrive close to 1:00pm on Friday.  The location is a couple hours drive from Boise but will be scenic and I can guarantee we will talk the entire way and it will fly by. 

This is not a complicated operation.  Please don't be intimidated or shy about coming.  We are just two friends who met the same way you and I meet, right here online. 

Please email  CampScabs at Gmail [dot] com if you are interested.  We will send out more details to everyone individually via email. 

GNO

Credit

Last night I sat around with five of my friends and ate yummy food.   At first we talked about kids, epidurals and our paranoia of a man hiding under our car at night, ready to slit our achilles and steal us into the wilderness.  Ya know, the usual fodder for GNO conversation.

Then the conversation took that inevitable turn, where everyone shares their story of distant relatives who were sex addicts or "so-and-so's" husband who went to strip clubs on business trips.  It was full of drama and shocked disbelief as it usually is.  In my mind I thought of all of you and wished they could see your faces and know your stories, acknowledge the humanity of our husbands and stop treating our lives like an episode of SVU.  I listened in silence, but it felt like the tremors that come before the earthquake and my composure felt unsteady.

Then it turned again.  To breast augmentation.  Sitting next to me, Rachel went on and on about her amazing boob job.  (She really does have an amazing body.)  This was fine, until she said something that triggered me so badly I had to get up off my seat.

"On our way home from the initial consultation with the doctor Josh and I got into a huge argument because he said I had chosen a size that would be too small."

I once saw "Josh" at a PASG meeting, over a year ago.  I told him he could tell Rachel I was there, Pete was there too.  I always assumed he had told her.  I used to daydream that she would call me, or come sit at my house and we would commiserate for hours and become best friends.  She never did call.  And now, here she was sitting next to me and ridiculing "women who look like flat-chested boys" and seeming perfectly okay with her porn-addicted husband's demands of her chest size. Why didn't I feel okay with it?

I took my dishes to the sink and the tears threatened, and before I could hold them back I bolted out the front door, mumbling an awkward thank-you to the hostess.

I drove to an empty parking lot to cry it out and make some effort at processing what had just happened.  I realized a couple painful things.

1.  I have beautiful friends.  But none of them are the "lusty" type, in attitude, in dress, in figure, in appeal.  I've never felt threatened by my friends.  And as humiliating as this is to admit, I've always felt like I was more attractive (at least to Pete) than any of my friends were.  Suddenly it occurred to me that I was totally threatened by Rachel.  None of this is her fault, it is all based in my insecurities about myself and my relationship with Pete.  But the hurt was magnified by the unfounded expectation I had nurtured for months that Rachel was supposed to be my loyal WoPA companion, not a competitor in the game where men's attention is the prize.

2. I know other husbands have been totally honest with their wives about specific women they lusted after.  I was in complete denial that Pete lusted after women in our "real" life.  It was one thing to cope with the idea that he fantasized about women on the computer screen, but I never thought he fantasized about women I actually knew.  When I finally came home last night I knew I was in a bad place and had no intention of sharing it all with Pete.  But I had to know, so I asked him if he fantasized about women I knew.  He admitted he had.  That was enough for me.  I didn't ask for names.  I knew I wasn't strong enough to have my relationships with those women remain uninfluenced with that knowledge.  But it was a new, bitter pill to swallow.

This morning my eyes are puffy and I want to stay in bed.  I have to go to church and face some of the women who I totally humiliated myself in front of last night.  I have to see Rachel and try to undo the damage I've done in my head about her. 

New boundary.  The only safe Girl's Night Out for me right now is a 12-step meeting. 

The Real Connection

Credit

 

The other night Pete and I were being totally inappropriate and speculating about people we knew being sex addicts.  Eventually it got to our family and we started going down the list.   Now let me say, these days I'm so jaded it would take a lot to shock me with a sex addict exposé .  But when it came to my brother both Pete and I figured he was clean.

"No way he's a sex addict."  Pete said. 

"I agree, but how are you so sure?"

"He makes the real connection." 

Apparently that's a term they use in SA.  The elusive "real connection."  And it's true.  My brother really connects with people.  He really cares about them. He keeps in touch.  He loves and forgives.  He is unselfish enough to thoughtfully consider someone's feelings, and feel genuine compassion and concern.  But also he opens his heart and lives with appreciation for the care and kindness he knows others have for him.  He is the only member of my family I have ever considered confiding in. 

I think Pete and I are both heartbroken that we don't have a real connection between us.  For so long we have looked to each other to meet our needs.  [Forgive me Harriet!] But we have expected so much of each other and been so hurt.   I wanted his recovery so much it consumed me.  And he wanted my love and admiration so much he felt crazy.  And, for the last few months, we have both been incapable of offering what the other was so desperate for. 

********************

Almost exactly one year ago this weekend my heart raced as I exited the plane and stepped nervously out my gate.  From across the walkway I saw a the back of a familiar blonde mane and heard the familiar excited voice of my friend Mac as she approached.  I was vulnerable and humble.  I was frantic for a real connection. 

For the next two days I feasted on real connection. 

With Camp Scabs approaching I find myself feeling that familiar nervous and vulnerable feeling.  But I am confident that once more as I sit around the table with real and amazing women I will yet again watch my cup overflow with love and genuine affection. 

Never were friendships born and matured faster, never were hearts more open and accepting, never have women been so bonded as WoPA. 

God has given me real connections to emotionally sustain me while I repair my relationship with my husband. 

The finale of Les Miserables evokes strong emotions in me.  Together, Valjean, Fantine and Eponine sing these words. 

Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken:
To love another person is to see the face of god.

Making a "real connection" is truly the most healing, most therapeutic, most divine feeling I've discovered.  On my worst days, I can always take solace in the love (and humor) of my dearest friends.  Strip away fame, strip away power, strip away wealth.  Experience addiction, death, privation, and ridicule.  Eliminate beauty, intelligence, and skill.  And between two people can be exchanged something so powerful yet simple, we all become equals. 

That is the real connection. 

Resources for All

Credit

When I started writing this blog I knew very little about pornography addiction.

I didn't know that it was so widespread.

I didn't know how other religions viewed pornography.

I didn't know that many people would try to convince me that if I changed my attitude about it, and Pete embraced pornography rather than shunned it, all our problems would be solved.

I didn't even know for sure why I felt the way I did about porngraphy.

So when I started writing, I started with what I did know. I am a member of the LDS church, its teachings influence my life a great deal.  I can't help but write with that underlying foundation.  But my eyes have been opened, and I see that this isn't just a "Mormon problem."

I'm grateful to the women of other faiths who have reached out to me, and lately I've received more emails from non-LDS WoPA than otherwise.  So I just want to post a few resources here to validate ALL women who feel confused about what pornography addiction means.

My friends who have used Recovery Nation give it great praise. I'd like to spend more time in that program myself.

 http://recoverynation.com/

I came across this blog post this morning and thought it was a great Christian approach, with a concise summary of suggestions post D-Day.

Fight the New Drug is a great website, but particularly this infogram.

And lastly, I've mentioned this website.  It is no longer directly affiliated with the LDS church, but it was written by LDS family members of addicts.  The downloadable manual/workbook is the most comprehensive material I've found, but to disclose my bias it is the one I use the most and I am therefore the most familiar with.

Please share if you have found other helpful websites or programs.  My heart is full of love for everyone who has tasted of this bitter cup.  Don't hesitate to reach out.  The friends I've made from this blog are my greatest blessing in this trial. 

An Early Christmas Gift

Hey WOPA friends! Great news!

A new website, with a downloadable version of our awesome new 12-step manual for loved ones of addicts.

Yes!

http://www.healingthroughchrist.org/index.php

I haven't had much time to look over the website or to see how different the new manual is from the pilot ones we've had in the past, but I couldn't bear to keep this secret a second longer.  (You're welcome.)

Let me know what you think!

Please. 

** POST EDIT: There is some question about the source of this manual, but as far as I'm concerned USE IT. It's awesome. 

Happy Thanksgiving

I almost considered not posting this, for fear it would sound forced or obligatory, like some of the daily gratitude posts on Facebook. In fact, I loved this quote

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving."

W.T. Purkiser

I am so grateful for the people I've met in the last year.  Even in the last six months, some remarkable people have entered my life, made me better, helped me cope, and loved me. 

I am so thankful for those people, and I hope you all feel sufficiently used by me for the aforementioned purposes. 

Happy Thanksgiving.  Thank you for your love!

Let People In

Credit

Self-hatred has been lapping at my toes since I finished my step 4.  Fortunately steps 6 & 7 have kept it at bay, and given me hope for change.  I feel change, and it feels good.

But on bad days I feel overwhelmed by my inadequacies.  Or rather, my perceived inadequacies.  I finally acquired a copy of Courage to Change: One Day at a Time.  (You can get a very inexpensive used copy here.)

Here is the message for today, from Alateen:

"If no one knows us as we really are, we run the risk of becoming victims of our own self-hatred.  If we can be loved by somebody who sees us as we are, we can then begin to accept ourselves.  Others rarely think we're as bad as we do."

The people who know me as I really am, all that is wrong in my life, have been such a huge support for me when my confidence wavers and doubt and insecurities creep in. 

I hope you all have at least one person in your life who fulfills that role, and if possible a group of people.  And better yet, I hope that we are all doing our part to BE that person for someone else. 

I'm going on vacation with my family for a week to a place with palm trees. Love you all!

Be Careful What You Wish For





Credit

If I give you nothing else on this blog, I at least give you honesty.  Even though it is an anonymous blog, I still feel embarrassed about some of the things I share here.  And for some who I've actually met, it's not anonymous anymore.  I'm so grateful to be a person, a friend to some of you, but it makes it more difficult to air my dirty laundry. 

On that note I need to make another confession.

The last three months or so have gone really well for Pete.  Each period of sobriety has brought us increased understanding and I've watched him discover new ways to LIVE with more happiness, more patience and involvement with our kids, a more compassionate and generous heart, and more kindness toward me and others.  Apologies, when necessary, come sooner, and opportunities to serve haven't been taken for granted.  It's been nice.

I have even allowed myself to wonder if this was it, if this was his breakthrough.  I knew that moments of temptation would come, and sure enough they did.  Last week while traveling he had a rough night, full of the chaos that I talked about before.  But he pulled through.  He recognized that the addiction is still making his life unmanagable but somehow he didn't get give in. 

This experience gave me new hope. I started to believe that it was possible for him to refrain, that he is capable, and willing.  It made me think that things could be different from here on out.

And then I started to wonder what that meant for me.  I've gained such an identity on this blog and in this community.  If Pete overomes this ugly beast, will I lose my place here?  I know that none of us really want to be in the WoPA club, but now that I've found a niche here, I was worried about losing my spot.   What if I can't blog anymore because I have nothing left to say?  What if I become an outsider?

My insecurities were clearly getting the best of me.  My desperate need to feel important was making me crazy and irrational!

On Monday Pete was out of town again. I called him while I was at Walmart because I knew he'd be heading home soon.  He told me that he'd lost a battle in his hotel room.  Our conversation was brief, we were both struggling with our emotions and we were both still in public places.  As I stood there in the aisle, alone and hurt, my first thoughts were about all the things I just confessed.  And then this

"Stupid stupid stupid.  To wish for another relapse, just to keep me involved in this WoPA world was so stupid.  This hurts.  I hate it."

I'm doing pretty well in spite of our setbacks.  I see so much progress in myself.  But I don't want pornography in my life forever.  I just don't.  And I feel the same way for each of you.  I don't really want anyone to need this blog, including me.  It's just another lesson to me that my worth has to be so internalized that I can feel true joy in life's most exciting moments, that my validation comes from within, and not from the ways I can manipulate adversity.  

So I'm crossing that lesson off the list.  How many more lessons are there before this is all said and done?  What yet must I learn?

hey

WOPA

Omega Rho Delta

I guess I've taken a bit of an informal break.  I'll be back. 

In the meantime, in the spirit of Fall and Back to School, welcome to the wife of porn addict sorority.

Any techies want to make us a button?

100th Post

Wow.  I really can't believe I've had that much to say.   Who am I kidding? I'm never lacking in things to say.
In celebration (?) I have a few links to post:

A teaser for the SHAMED movie.  I can't help but feel love and hope when I watch these videos.  I would love to have some of these people over for dinner.  Including the professionals. 
http://vimeo.com/45676200

Since this is the place where I can share all the things that are too Taboo to share in my real life: Here is a link about "Defuzzing Your Person."  Sometimes I'm in the mood for this sort of thing, today I'm not really.  But maybe you are?  I like it because this lady is very respectful of body, and if it's not your thing, that's great.  http://velvetdragon.com/etc/shave.html

Some really good info on codependency.  Just when I think I've learned it all (haha!) I find some new helpful knowledge.  Knowledge is so great.  http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/library/code/codelds/codeldsauthor/links/hopebook/adjustin3.htm

Right now I feel like I'm getting so much better at coping with relapses, but I'm also realizing that in a weird way I just postpone my reactions.  (Thanks Alicia for helping me see this.) Instead of having an immediate meltdown, I have a slow and subtle slip into my self-pity funk.   Which leads to an eventual relapse into some more subtle codependent behaviors.  

I suck at analogies.  Really.  But I came up with this bizarre one that best describes the way I feel about my WoPA friends. 

Have you ever stayed in the bathtub until all the water is drained out?  Laying in a warm full bathtub is comfortable.  But as the water slowly drains your body is left to support it's own weight.  Bodies are heavy and bathtubs are hard.  By the time all the water is gone it is really uncomfortable to be laying there.  

Thanks for being my bathwater everyone.  Seriously your love and comments (particularly the ones that have the word "bahahaha" in them) are my bouancy to keep me from feeling the hard parts of life too uncomfortably. 

Do I really have another 100 posts in me?  Pshh. Probably.

Introducing Club Unicorn

After hard times I become a sponge for inspiration and knowledge.  Everything I read I apply to my own life and situation.  So I just want to share a few articles/blogs/things I've been spiritually digesting of late.

I'm often the last to hear about things, so if you've already read this story/blog then you can skip straight to the comments and validate my opinion. Haha.  Just kidding.   It's about an LDS gay man, happily married to a woman.   I don't really want to get into a discussion of his lifestyle choices here, you can read the 3,634 comments for that.  I just want to talk about how much I appreciated his courage, his authenticity and his humor.  So, here's what I love about Josh Weed coming out of the closet.

1.  I admire his authenticity.  There are obvious parallels between the shame he felt at times and his concern for how people in his life would react, with my own life.  While I get the impression that he no longer feels any shame about who he is, (and his wife likewise) I am sure it was a process to get there.  I often feel the difficulty of keeping secret this very defining experience of my life.  I can relate so much to their desire for the protection of privacy and anonymity, and yet the nagging feeling that there is value in vulnerability and honesty.

2.  I LOVE what he said about intimacy.  It gives me so much hope that on our journey Pete and I can discover the closeness and communication associated with sex, that isn't related to hormones or carnal desires.  Mr. Scabs reassured us all that sex in marriage is a totally different ballgame than sex with prostitues, or the sex depicted in pornography.  I feel like Josh totally validated this point from a totally unexpected point of view, and I love it. 

3.  His general LOVE for everyone seeps from his words.  He is in a position to be compassionate and loving because he can relate so well to so many different situations.  I really believe that a significant part of his joy and fulfillment comes from the things I am so desperately trying to learn. He is making the best of the hand he was dealt, and in the process he is learning how to really love. 

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet some of the women I've met online.  During the hours I spent at the airport, on the plane, and then in the airport again I was filled with so much giddy, excited LOVE that I was being kinder to everyone, smiling at everyone.  I really felt like I was "in love" all over again.  This experience taught me an important lesson.   The joys of love are SO MUCH bigger than sexual attraction in a romantic relationship.   True love for an individual outside of marriage, or even family, can exist and be overpowering and all-consuming.  And it can make us feel an abundance of happiness and desire to be better people.   Going out on a limb a bit here, I think that is one of the keys to Josh's happines as a gay man in a straight relationship.  At first, that love develops betweeen one or two people who have become vulnerable to you, and you to them, then it can expand and grow until you feel it for everyone around you, and you can truly accept people as they are. 

Anyway- his "coming out" post is long (I'm so demanding with my requests for your time, aren't I?) But read it all the way through if you can, there is good stuff from beginning to end. 

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

If I weren't Mormon-would I still believe pornography is bad?

I've often asked myself if I weren't LDS, would I still feel the way I do about pornography? I've thought much about this and I have to say, yes. I would still feel the way I feel now, about pornography.  I'll elaborate, of course.

It is a difficult question to ask, because my religion is the foundation of my morality.  But my experiences have caused me to be reasonably sure that even if I took religion out of the equation, I would still consider pornography as fundamentally wrong.  It is harmful to relationships, it is an avenue to futher sexual deviancy, and as with all addictions- it can destroy the soul of the individual.  (And that is not even to speak of the souls of those in front of the camera.)

The LDS church preaches strongly that pornography should be avoided.  But it preaches the same about gambling, illegal drugs and alcohol. The church takes a clear stand against all addictive substances and behaviors.  This makes sense to me.  On an intellectual level I concur with these teachings. 

I will admit that in the beginning a significant amount of my emotional pain came from the shame I felt because this behavior is looked down on and condemned so harshly in my religious culture.  But often our initial reactions aren't our hardest ones to overcome, and I believe now that both Pete and I have moved past that embarrassment.  When appropriate we are both comfortable talking about it. 

So I want to address the three reasons I mentioned above, why I think pornography is fundamentally wrong.

1.  It is harmful to relationships.  After desperately searching online for some support from other wives, I came across a forum on Cafe Mom called WoPA.  Wives of Porn Addicts.  Although there are some very kind women who mediate the forum, it can be a very depressing place.  Occasionally I came across women of my own faith, but many were not.  Many doubted their feelings of hurt and wondered if they were over-reacting or unreasonable.  But I've come to believe that pornography is a form of infidelity and it is natural, even scientifically explicable, for wives to feel betrayed.  Issues of trust arise, and once a woman has been wounded emotionally, she no longer feels comfortable in a sexual relationship, resulting in issues with intimacy.  I need not say more about damaged relationships. 

2.  It leads to other sexually deviant behaviors.  I have encountered many women whose marriages have ended tragically or continue to suffer because their husband's pornography addiction led to affairs, molesting children -even their own, and questioning their sexuality.  [Personal beliefs aside, questioning your sexuality may not be a problem, unless you are in a relationship with a woman and you decide you'd rather be with a man.]  Pornography addiction, when unrestrained can lead to financial ruin, prison and destroyed lives.  Which leads me to #3.

3.  I hold it to be true that all forms of addiction canker an individual's soul.  Addiction leads to lives that become unmanagable. Ask any alcoholic.  Self-esteem withers as addicts feel out of control.  Guilt over the hurt the addict causes his/her loved ones becomes so difficult to cope with that often the addict will withdraw, act out in anger or other defensive ways which leads to a lonely and miserable life. I could go on and on, but I think I've made the point.

If you are one of the women who wonders if you are being unreasonable, if your husband is telling you that it is his problem alone, assuming he even acknowledges it as a problem, don't discredit your feelings.  Learn about it, and use your knowledge to communicate with him in a non-confrontational way.  It IS wrong.  Don't be afraid to believe that or to say it.