No Ordinary People

I've recently returned from another Camp Scabs.  These retreats blow my mind.

How is it that a woman can get on a plane and fly to a city to spend a weekend with perfect strangers, and yet in those 48 hours share the most intimate details of her life?

Because the brave souls open their hearts first.  And they are met with a response so full of love, compassion and acceptance that the room feels sacred, and possibly the most safe place on earth.

I can not come up with adequate words to express my gratitude for the opportunities I have to meet remarkable women.  But the truth is, I believe we are all remarkable, we are just too inhibited by fear, and misunderstood by false ideas to be noticed. 

I love you all. Share your story. Reach out. Own your truth.  Be brave. 

Vulnerability Hangover

Cliché Zero

Last night I stood in a room of 30-40 men in suits.  I felt a bizarre combination of total intimidation and quiet confidence.  Last week my stake president invited me (and then Pete agreed as well) to speak at the bishopric training meeting.  [This is a meeting for local church leaders and their assistants.] 

It sounds totally cliché but I really did envision all of you in the room with me.  I wanted to have my moment to represent us, to share the hope of recovery and to encourage these men to better understand what more they can do.  I would like to post what I said, but honestly right now I feel so exposed I feel like crawling in a cave and isolating. 

After such a bold personal confession it's hard for me to not feel insatiable for validation.  Did my words help? Did these men approve of my message? Was I effective? Do they admire my courage? Friends, I'm so hooked on validation my life is unmanagable.

Later in the evening Pete got a text from a member of our own ward who is also a good friend.  He thanked us and said he still admired us as much as he had before he knew our deepest secret.  (Not his words exactly.)

Go ahead and laugh out loud, but I felt like he was the one leper. 

BAHAHAHA!

So ridiculous right? 

There were several men in the room who know us personally and I find myself wondering where are they? Why haven't they texted/emailed/called to support us? 

So I'm working on that. And when I can be sure that I'm not sharing just to appease my validation appetite, I'll talk about what I said last night. 

But thanks to you all who were with me in my heart.  Thanks to Pete for his gesture of courage.  It felt really good to be united with him in something. 

Have a fantastic Labor Day Weekend friends. 

Suffering

I made this myself as an experiment in graphic design. Don't mock.

There is a woman my mom knows, a mother of young children, who fought cancer and finds herself healthy again.  This woman is wealthy and attractive.  She lives in a house my mom thinks is ostentatious and drives new and expensive cars. She works hard to make herself and her children look well dressed and lovely.  They are all lovely.  But my mom felt like her struggle with cancer and the possibility of death would have changed her priorities and caused her to be more focused on "important" things.  (Church service, kindness, etc.) 

"Trials aren't an automatic cure for human frailties and shortcomings.  They don't automatically make saints out of those who suffer them."  I said to my mom. 

(Thinking of myself and my seeming inability to overcome my weaknesses despite my exposure to pain.)  

For that reason, I have a deep admiration for those who are profoundly changed by grief. Julie is perhaps the finest example I have of the refining power of grief.  I've mentioned her before on my blog.  I've never met her but am consistently inspired by her healing words and authentic writing.

Sunday would have been her sweet Jonah's third birthday.  In his memory she is asking/encouraging anyone whose heart inclines them, to be especially kind or loving that day. 

Read more here. 

I think I'll give each of my kids 30 minutes of my undivided attention on Sunday and make a couple phone calls to great-grandparents as a tribute to Jonah's legacy. 

If you have the opportunity to share the love, go back to Julie's blog and tell her about it. I'm sure she would love to hear. 

Camp Scabs Idaho - Update

Isn't this rad?

The venue is booked and the dates are set.  (September 27-29)

For more details go here to Scab's blog, or click on this link to her Camp Scabs page. (You will find info about who is invited, how much it will cost, and what we will do.)

I am so excited about this! For anyone driving or flying into Boise from out of town, plan to arrive close to 1:00pm on Friday.  The location is a couple hours drive from Boise but will be scenic and I can guarantee we will talk the entire way and it will fly by. 

This is not a complicated operation.  Please don't be intimidated or shy about coming.  We are just two friends who met the same way you and I meet, right here online. 

Please email  CampScabs at Gmail [dot] com if you are interested.  We will send out more details to everyone individually via email. 

Happy Thanksgiving

I almost considered not posting this, for fear it would sound forced or obligatory, like some of the daily gratitude posts on Facebook. In fact, I loved this quote

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving."

W.T. Purkiser

I am so grateful for the people I've met in the last year.  Even in the last six months, some remarkable people have entered my life, made me better, helped me cope, and loved me. 

I am so thankful for those people, and I hope you all feel sufficiently used by me for the aforementioned purposes. 

Happy Thanksgiving.  Thank you for your love!

♥ my REAL peeps

I had some time Sunday afternoon to myself.  It was quiet and I had been up late Saturday so I decided to take a nap. I made the mistake of taking my smarty-phone with me and...

an hour and a half later...

I got sucked into Facebook.  By the time my kids started emerging from their own naps I was grouchy and irritable.   I know I don't have conscious thoughts of comparison, but I do have thoughts like this:

"Wow.  She looks amazing in that wedding photo.  She's gorgeous.  But that bridesmaid dress is totally immodest."

"That's so awesome that your husband did all those amazing things for your anniversary but why do you need to tell him thank-you on Facebook in front of the whole world, wouldn't it be okay to just give him a kiss and hug and say thanks?" 

Then the negative chatter in my brain starts going non-stop and I felt like crap. I felt so small and insignificant. I felt like I'll never measure up.  I felt like I don't matter.   

Fortunately Sunday night I had group meeting.  It was a really great meeting, one of the best I've been to.  These were the kind of things women said

"My life is in shambles because I found out my husband has been unfaithful.  But I feel hope."

"There is chaos in my home as my husband fights with himself about his addiction.  But I'm not involved and I'm not going crazy anymore."  

It was just so REAL.  And when these women nodded their heads as I shared, and hugged me after the meeting, I felt like I mattered.  I felt loved.  I felt like no one really measures up to what we think they do. 

The truth is, I love my Facebook friends as much as I love my group sisters.  But I feel like between us are these facades, this social pressure to perform in a status update.  Today I thought I said something clever and checked back every few minutes to see if people were "liking".  Why the need for validation?

I'm following some WoPA friends on Instagram and it's been an interesting experience.  Since I know that in their quiet hearts are hidden hurts and struggles, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I never assume they are boasting, I love everything they say and do!  So what stops me from giving my FB friends the benefit of the doubt?  Why do I assume they are boasting?  Why am I constantly annoyed/irritated with their posts? 

I sort of live in the country, and I take back roads home from group meetings.  It was dark and warm Sunday night as I drove and I rolled the windows down.  I felt free and hopeful.  And I had just heard some really sad things. 

Why after I spend and hour and a half reading "happy" things on Facebook do I feel trapped and discouraged?  Why the contrast? 

hey

WOPA

Omega Rho Delta

I guess I've taken a bit of an informal break.  I'll be back. 

In the meantime, in the spirit of Fall and Back to School, welcome to the wife of porn addict sorority.

Any techies want to make us a button?

Just So Ya Know

Do you ever find yourself fiercely defending your husband?  In group meetings? To a family member who "knows"?

"He has this problem, but otherwise he is a great guy. He is a good husband, hard working, a great dad..."  etc...

I have.  I do.  Even on this blog I've done it.  It's like we have to prove their worth and potential in spite of their obvious weaknesses.   In this blogging environment it's even harder because there is so much focus on their problem. 

Let me just say this:

I love Pete. I believe in him.  He has infinite worth and I am grateful for his many redeeming qualities.

I believe in your husband too.  He has infinite worth, and I am certain that he has redeeming qualities. 

I just want you to know that.  There are a couple women in my ward whose husbands I have seen at group meetings.  I don't think of them as perverts.  I don't think of them as sinners.  I love them, I admire their courage, and I am cheering for them and their wives.  So I hope this can still be your safe place, where you can share your feelings honestly without being afraid that I will judge your guy.

Which brings me to my next point.  I have constant inner turmoil and conflict about finding the balance between validating your feelings and perpetuating your frustrations.   If I come down harshly on the men, it's out of infinite compassion for the women.  But at the same time I don't want to contribute to any animosity or anger that is festering in our hearts. 

SOOOOOOO... what is this all about?  If you followed the comment stream on my last post (very thought-provoking) an anonymous reader shared some things about her husband.  She wanted to come to his defense after I called him out, but due to some technical difficulties we weren't able to post her comments: so here they are, I hope she doesn't mind.  But I want her to have her say.  (It might not make sense if until you go back and read our thread.)

Haha, maybe shouldn't have swung they counselor comment out there so quickly.  Don't worry, you can trust counselors!!! We have traveled a long road and as you can see from my comment I am probably not completely healed (kind of hard to find support when all of the counselors are your husband's colleagues).  But the sin really is behind him now...it is possible. Some of his perceptions still drive me nuts.. I think he was trying to tell me that he could see that guy's perspective...but the way he said it struck a wrong chord.  But he knows when he's off and he doesn't let it get into therapy.  He believes in healing families not tearing them apart. But just in case I I totally destroyed a layer of trust for anyone out there...as an FYI...he works for the church and he has to have a temple recommend at all times or he loses his job...and they check often.   Kind of a nice perk, if you ask me.  Nothing like having your livelihood depend on it to keep you in check.  And we've been to hell and back, so he knows his stuff :).

Anon:  no harm done.  I believe you that he knows his stuff.  A little empathy goes a long way and I imagine his ability to relate to his clients can help quite a bit.  I hope you find the healing you need.

What brings you here?

I write this blog for women like me.  (Or men like my husband.)

That's it. 

I am not trying to earn money with this blog.  You will notice there are no ads. 

I am not trying to gain fame.  It's anonymous. 

I don't care if there is only one reader or 100. 

I write because it helps me, and I write with the hope that it will make someone else's burden lighter, knowing I am here.

I welcome anyone who wants to read.  I also welcome anyone's comments.  But please be respectful of our feelings and our situation.   Please don't make judgements.  In our group meetings we talk about it being a "safe" place.  None of us are worried about being physically abused at group meeting- but we are worried about being criticized or rebuked. 

Please let this be a safe place for me, and others, to express my thoughts. 

**If you do not find yourself in a marriage to an addict, or as an addict- what brings you here?

Shamed

A new world has unfolded to me in the last six months since I turned to the internet for support.  Addiction, and perhaps especially pornography addiction is so awkward to discuss, there is so much shame and fear associated with it.  There is also much that is misunderstood, or just not understood.  I look forward to meeting the women and men I've encountered along my journey, if not in this life in the next.  They have helped me tremendously. 

I want to help too.  I really do.  An opportunity has presented itself and I'm anxious to be involved.  Jessica Mockett is a film-maker who did research on the subject of pornography addiction/sexual addiction and felt compelled to produce a film that addresses the following:

Shamed, a documentary feature, will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities. Those of us who would preach a balanced life of fidelity and healthy sexual relations are being drowned out by the pervasive messaging of an over-sexualized world. Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to "SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."


Shamed Teaser - V2 from Girl with a Curl on Vimeo.

Although I've learned a lot, there are things that I wish I had understood before.  Knowledge truly is power and if there is greater knowledge on this subject I have no doubt it will help those who encounter this addiction to cope.  I am 100% in favor of being a voice of "fidelity and healthy sexual relations" in our "over-sexualized world."

I'm so grateful for the people behind this, who have the courage to come forward and share.  I don't personally have the courage to put my face on camera and share the turmoil my husband and I endure.  But I will put my money where my mouth should be and support the cause.

I know that for some, when there is no money there is no money.  But if you are financially able I am asking you to go to this site and contribute.  Unfortunately movies don't make themselves, and although knowledge is free providing access to it is not.  I think this group with this film can reach a large audience and have a lasting influence.

Kickstarter is a fundraising avenue, but it is all or nothing.   The initial goal for production is $40,000, and if the goal is not reached the project does not go forward.  You can pledge your money now, and when the goal is reached your card will be charged.  You will not have to pay if the project does not go forward. 

For others who have blogs, please help us spread the word.  Email me and I will connect you with the team putting this all together.  hisstrugglemystruggle@gmail.com

You can read much more about the movie here as well.

A Good Grief

Some people say that they would rather have their trials than someone else's.  Some people say they would rather have any trial but their own.  I'm not really sure where I fall, but I know God doesn't allow us to pick and choose our trials, they are chosen for us, to accomplish divine purposes.

The following is taken from the home page of a blog entitled "A Good Grief."

After the loss of her two year old daughter, Lucy, in 2008, Molly maintained her family blog, chronicling her grief. Resonating with people from all walks of life, her experience unveiled varied human suffering and like stories around the globe.

Molly started a blog where people share their stories of grief, but in a positive and transformative way.  I sent her my own story of the grief I've suffered as the result of disappointed dreams of marriage and life.  But to be sure, I recognize my grief as good in the sense that I am transforming into a better version of myself. 

I have been inspired by the many stories I've read on Molly's blog, and the strength I can draw from those who also suffer.  You can read what I wrote here or other stories of hope and healing here.

Embrace It

I've met some remarkable people in this other world of mine.  I guess I use the term "met" loosely as I haven't actually met most of them in person.  But through Mac I came across the Blog About Love where Mara and Danny share their experiences. Danny wrote a post a few weeks ago that spoke to me.  I emailed him my gratitude for his words and explained a little bit about my situation.  He responded with even more helpful insights.  He said to me:

"And remember that you have a better opportunity to learn about God's kind of love now than probably any other time in your life.  Embrace that, and embrace what it is that He WILL teach you if you let him."

I've been thinking about it since he wrote it, but on Sunday it hit me.  I felt the spirit whisper to me "What are you waiting for?"  I have been given some wonderful spiritual impressions and then just left them by the wayside.  I have not turned my broken heart over to the Lord.  All at once I fell to my knees and told my Heavenly Father that I'm ready now to be healed, to learn and to change.  

The next day, Monday, was one of my hardest days yet.  I called and made an appointment with a counselor for the first time.  I wept as I did so.  It was the moment where I intellectually acknowledged that I am emotionally broken.  I have been hurt and I don't have the skills to heal on my own.  There has been damage that is causing me to have unhealthy feelings and I need my Savior and experts on earth to help me.