When Did I Get so Mean?

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Last Sunday I watched Pete slip out of recovery.  I could see it happening before my very eyes.  The signs might be different for our addicts but we know them. After cycle and cycle and cycle.  Maybe it's stress, maybe it's angry outbursts.  General irritability with the kids.  I like to use the words "compulsive" and "indulgent" behavior. 

On Sunday he zoned out with Angry Birds on his cell phone.  He skipped his meeting and watched football.  These things filled my heart and thoughts with hurt, resentment, fear and flat out anger.  I banged around in the kitchen and invited Insanity to join me. Finally I couldn't take it.  I threw my own recovery out the window and went after him, guns a-blazin'! 

It didn't go well. He said some of his usual things, things I thought we were done with, and he said some new things.  Phrases like "you've taken this too far" and "what's the point of my recovery if you're going to blame every little thing I do on addiction?!" 

It got to me. I couldn't walk away. I'd taken the bait. I threw "separation" on the table like a winning poker hand and I wasn't bluffing. I played the "safe" card as trump.  I would be safer if we separated because then he couldn't blame me for anything.  (Which isn't true, addict brains can always find a way to blame.) The conversation was intense.

At one point he drew back the curtains to his soul and I saw real pain in his eyes.

It was both heart-breaking and infuriating. 

Finally when we were both emotionally defeated I dropped my weapons and I asked him to sleep in another room. 

Pete texted me the next day.  He owned it.  He apologized. 

A day after that, I had a chat with a new counselor.  (I'm therapist shopping because mine changed her schedule and it won't be able to accommodate me.  Big huge disappointment.)  He validated me.  He reassured me.  He helped me feel sane again. 

I'm asking for a bare minimum in our marriage.  I'm asking for a relationship free of porn.

But I'm also asking for him to show some superhuman strength to earn my trust back.  I tried to think back on a time when someone attacked me, guns blazing, and I responded with patience and meekness.  I nearly always get defensive.  I'm quick to put my guard up.  It sucks to be accused.  Regardless of the truth of the accusation.  I'm human.  He's human.

My therapist drew this diagram on the white board in his office.  (I am so sorry for the poor quality of my diagram. Graphics are NOT my strong suit.)

He explained to me that watching football or playing Angry Birds aren't inherently bad activities.  The pornography addict would say "Why are you so upset, I haven't even acted out?"

But if an activity makes me feel unsafe it has crossed a boundary.  (These terms aren't technical, just words my therapist used to make a point.)  In that first circle I am unsafe because I am that much closer to the second circle.  Pornography and mastur-B are the second circle.  They are boundary violations.

It was okay for me to tell Pete that I wasn't comfortable with his behavior, that it made me feel unsafe. 

But I've been telling people lately that I believe anger is okay as long as it isn't used to mistreat people.  I DO believe this.  But apparently I misunderstood my own advice.  I mistreated Pete.  I was cruel and aggressive. 

I am so glad I've learned to trust my gut. I'm so glad I've been able to relinquish any responsibility for Pete's addiction. But sometimes I worry that I've swung on the pendulum too far to the other extreme. I exempt myself from any misbehavior.  I get a free pass because I'm the victim. 

But the bottom line is, no one feels good when they are cruel or unkind.  Victim or not.  Justified or not.  And, in that sense, I'm a little concerned about the person I'm becoming. 

The Heart Of The Matter

I had so many thoughts tumbling around in my head.  I was trying to make sense of one, to mold it into a coherent blog post, when Pete came in the room.  Seeing what I was up to, he informed me that his sponsor blocked my blog (on Pete's computer) via his "Net Nanny."  I get limited info these days about the workings of his sponsor, but he did tell me that he finally found some software that was compliant with his employer's computer/internet policy.  His sponsor manages the filters for him.  Apparently my blog was "a drug for his emotional dependency."

Honestly I'm not sure what to think.  It's weird to not really be sure if he will ever read this.  I've grown so accustomed to writing with him over my shoulder - so to speak. (Not literally.)  His work computer is really the only computer he has access to. 

Anyway.  That mini-conversation added even more thoughts to the mix and now I'm sure I can't compose anything coherent. 

BUT!

THIS!

This is very important to me.  Please watch.  Please donate.  I opened my own bank account a couple months ago.  I've been saving to establish financial independence.  But I think I'm going to drop a fat wad on this project.  I really believe in it. 

The Power I Possess

Back in February C Jane had a series of guest posts about pornography addiction. Some of the comments were misguided at best and cruel at worst.  But I appreciated that she was giving blog time to the issue and so I submitted my own story that I wrote with the help of a friend. (Who turned out to be a demanding editor.)  C Jane didn't use my story, but I felt grateful for the experience I had writing it. 

Recently I've found myself seeking refuge behind my glass window again and I thought back to the strength I felt when I wrote these words.  Scabs taught me about writing less like a text book and more like a human.  Today when I read back through it I am reminded of the ability that authentic writing has to empower and validate self. 

Anyway, I thought I'd publish it today in an effort to recommit myself to its principles. 

**********

Credit

It takes an act of courage to write a post like this.  For someone in the throes of pornography addiction, it takes an act of courage to read the comments of such a post.  It is easier to protect myself by keeping my story on my bathroom floor, where I sit when I cry, behind a glass wall observing instead of healing.

So much is misunderstood.  Our paths are the result of experience and consideration that an outsider can’t begin to imagine.  A cynical and judgmental voice once belonged to me, and after nearly drowning in the shame of his sins and my shame by association; I was rescued by the idea that we are all flawed human beings. 

He’s an addict.  But I’m not going to write about him.   I want to write about me.

In the beginning I tried controlling him with passwords and filters. I persecuted and shamed him with religious fervor. I begged him to stop with shoulder-shaking sobs.  I tried to compete by being my prettiest, sexiest self. I created the ideal environment in our home and comforted him after each relapse. One night, sensing he was in a bad place, I tried staying awake to protect him from himself.  Silent and still beside him in bed I waited, sure the minute I fell asleep he would bolt upright and grab his smartphone.  My eyelids became too heavy and in the morning I awoke to his confession.  It was so predictable and STILL I could not stop it.  I failed.

My efforts were futile.  They were resented by my husband.  My well-being and sanity were compromised.  There was finally relief in the idea that I could not control him.  After reading, studying, praying and reaching out for support, I began to see the freedom and power I did possess.  It is the power to define and live my own life despite my husband’s choices.  I gave myself permission to heal and forgive. (See Step 1, here.)

One day while feelings of anger and injustice hovered over me, I was reminded of the advice of a friend.  She said, “Have the day you were going to have before he ruined it.”  So I did.  I played with my kids, went for a run, and even laughed. My husband isn't the one who pays the price when I dwell in bitterness. I pay the price because my attitude of indignation is manifested in all my relationships.

Refusing to heal is like living behind a glass window.  On the outside the world is going on without me.  People are kind and happy. But behind the window I nurture hate and fury.  Betrayal justifies anger and resentment.  My bitterness isolates me.  The window protects me from feeling.  Like a foul odor, my anger ekes out into the way I treat my children, other men, other women, everyone. Hateful and negative thoughts become consuming.

"Forgiveness is a gift that I give to my soul. Without it, I have no peace."  (Rhyll Croshaw.)

The place behind the glass window is miserable and lonely.  My time in that place is a dark and painful memory.  Occasionally I seek refuge behind the glass, in some effort to feel control and safety, but it is not the place for me.  So I return to the world on the other side of the glass, the place where I define and live my own life. 

The decision to stay or leave is so intensely personal I hesitate to even discuss it. In one ear I hear voices shouting about how I deserve better, how I'm crazy to stay. In the other ear, equally intense voices ask me if I'm really willing to ruin my children's lives over pornography.  I hear a voice of reason that tells me that I don’t owe anyone an explanation.  I hear a voice of compassion that reminds me of his goodness.  I hear the voice of my insanity that screams with ridicule that he will never change.

I stay because I view my husband's addiction like an illness. The analogy isn't without its flaws, but I've turned him over to the proper professionals, a counselor, a trusted confidant, and the healing power of the Savior, to help him recover. I can't cure him, and while he is humble and willing to accept treatment, I will honor my marriage vows. My husband is a wonderful man.  He is ambitious and successful in his career.  He is a gentleman to me and takes time to let me know I am appreciated.  He makes me laugh, and he finds ways to execute even my most outrageous plans.  I love him. This is only a small part of why I married him and why I remain with him, and says little of the memories and life we have built together.

There are no guarantees in life.  But, I can live a happy and fulfilling life with a compassionate and empathetic heart, not just in spite of my husband's addiction, but because of it.  The victim is not the part I want to play, emerging from the fight weak and disabled.  It is the heroine I want to be, emerging with strength and confidence.  Not worse for the battle, but better.  

I am empowered and liberated by the knowledge that I am strong. Even though I’m tempted to avoid stepping out from behind the glass wall, I’ve learned not to live in fear.  I am courageous and I’m okay with vulnerable. 

Conundrum

Saatchi Online

Two years ago Pete and I concluded that he had an addiction to pornography.  He took a couple tentative steps toward recovery and I jumped right in.  Adamant that I was only trying to fix myself, and not him, I embarked on my recovery journey.  It has been life changing and I’m no longer the person I was.  But in the last couple months I’ve felt confused. 

“What the heck? After everything I’ve done in the last two years, why is my husband still looking at porn and masturbating?”

I’ve set boundaries and enforced them. I’ve set them and buckled on them.  I’ve seen a therapist, I’ve attended 12 step meetings and worked program.  I’ve done a 30 in 30 and I’ve had various sponsor figures.  I’ve been on a forum and Facebook, I’ve met other WoPA in real life.  I’ve read books and articles.  A new bank account.  Pack-up-and-leave with the kids for the weekend.  Opened up to friends.  Asked for blessings.  Doubted my faith. Found it again.  Detached in a million different ways.  Sexual abstinence.  Sleeping in separate rooms.  Counsel with the stake president. 

“What the heck? After everything I’ve done in the last two years, why is my husband still looking at porn and masturbating?”

I’ve given advice to other women to “Put their foot down”.  No more enabling.  No more tolerance.  No more acceptance of this unacceptable behavior in my marriage.   I’ve gathered evidence and watched Pete’s valiant (at times) efforts at recovery.   

The next logical step is separation right? It’s the only “boundary” I haven’t tried, right?

The truth is, I don’t want a divorce.  The truth is I don’t even want a separation.

I guess the awful truth is, I AM willing to live in a marriage with pornography. 

This makes me feel weak and pathetic.  It makes me feel like I’m enabling his addiction.  This makes me feel like a hypocrite. 

I used to boast that I would no longer accept a mediocre relationship.  And here I am, openly admitting to you that I am accepting a mediocre relationship.  And sadly, at this point it’s worse than mediocre.  It is sapped of connection, vulnerability and affection.  It is apparently the only safe way Pete and I can coexist in this addiction infected marriage. 

“WHAT THE HECK? AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, WHY IS MY HUSBAND STILL LOOKING AT PORN?”

Keeping my chin up

This morning I went to the UPS store and picked up my first tangible copy of the Healing Through Christ manual. I had emailed it to the store and they printed and bound it for me.  I was so excited.  It cost $17.95 to have it done in black and white.  (The really nice man at my local UPS store saw the subject matter of the manual and put it in a white cover and white back cover. So I now have my own "white book." We both laughed about that. I guess he is familiar with the white book or he was indulging my addiction humor.)

Then, hours later, I got an email saying the manual is now available on ebay through a wholesale printer.  For $11.95 + $5.95 [expedited] shipping and handling.  So almost exactly the same price, but as far as I can tell this one is in color and nicer.  I'm so happy it's available for print I don't really care that mine is black and white! I'm ordering a copy for my bishop and stake president.

Anyway- get your copy here:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Healing-Through-Christ-12-Step-Workbook-Addiction-Recovery-For-Families-LDS-/290918400410

The second thing that made my day was this little video.  That's FHE on Monday right there people. 

http://www.sun-swing.com/media/2013020100001/the-decision/

10 Reasons You Should Go Watch That Video:

1- Adorable animation
2- Age appropriate discussion on pornography
3- Delightful cartoon facial expressions
4- Realistic and relatable characters
5- Riveting plot :)
6- Adorable animation
7- Brief but adequate
8- Fun and heartwarming music
9- Non-shame based parental response
10- Heartwarming message

Go! Now! Watch!

Pete's Drug

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I typically try to keep this blog less about Pete, and more about me, but I felt like these thoughts were worth sharing.

Both Pete and I are approaching one year of recovery, meaning one year since we both started taking an active role in educating ourselves and seeking outside support.  (Counseling, group meetings, etc.) It is so hard to detect progress, until a year has passed and then looking back we can see how far we've come.  It was particularly evident to me at group meeting when a wife came for the first time, and afterward I told her  "You are me, a year go."  I cried through meetings and trembled with emotion and fear.  

Pete's progress over the last year hasn't been marked by total sobriety, but by an increased understanding of the root of his addiction.  I've heard addiction compared to a tree, the roots are the feelings and resentments, the pain that causes the addict to look for relief, and the trunk is the addiction itself.  The branches are all the negative consequences of the addict's behavior and choices.  Trying to overcome the addiction by simply cutting off the tree at the branches (codependency at its best), or even the trunk (abstinence alone) might not stop the tree from growing back. 

There is only one thing worse than an addict in denial, and it's an addict who is in denial about why he is an addict. 

It's probably a work in progress but Pete is finally coming to terms with the feelings, resentments and pain that cause him to seek relief.   I'm going to do my best to put that into words. 

It's not just one thing, but a number of things that can get Pete down.  It can be boredom at work.  It can be dissatisfaction with our sexual relationship.  It can be a general dissatisfaction with life.  This last one is particularly fatal because Pete knows he has every reason to be happy, and reconciling the fact that he is unhappy with the fact that his life is good, causes chaos in his brain. 

For whatever reason, years ago, he turn to lust and pornography as a relief or distraction from the chaos. At first it was just fantasizing about me.  Easily justified, right? Why shouldn't a man think of his wife that way?  But then those thoughts weren't enough to distract him from his unhappiness.  So he allowed his thoughts to entertain other lustful ideas. 

Still justifiable, right? He hadn't technically done anything wrong.

But then thoughts alone weren't enough.  Not only was he seeking an escape, by now there were hormones and physical responses involved.  Arousal, adrenaline, excitement.  So it was images he sought.  Then even that didn't satisfy...  And as they say, the rest is history.

Pete has learned to recognize now when his body is craving his drug.  Whenever he senses a general unhappiness come over him, the chaos in his brain ensues, and he longs for reprieve.  He says that's exactly what it feels like.  It feels like reaching for a drug. 

When I get a headache, or muscle ache, or any pain, I grab the ibuprofen.   When life gets intense (which for Pete comes from a myriad of more specific complaints/problems) he wants his drug. 

I know a lot of these ideas are things I've shared before, just in different words.  And I know that awareness is only half the battle.  But it IS half the battle.  And I'm feeling pretty good about the breakthrough. 

The rascal got away with it, or did he?

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There's a phrase in my head, or a few phrases.  They've been floating around in my conversations, comments and thoughts.

"Doesn't it seem like they are getting away with it?"

"It isn't fair that he can just repent to the bishop and be forgiven and I'm still hurting."

"He gets to have his cake and eat it too.  I don't think he feels any consequences or cares about hurting me." 

I hope that I can articulate the way I feel about this in my soul. 

Way back when... when I wore rose-colored glasses, I figured I was happy.  Yeah, I had some serious issues with self-pity now and then, but it never really occurred to me that I could be happier.   The depth of my feelings, both joy and grief, were equivalent to a mountain spring.  Little pebbles and twigs had defined my character. 

Now, I feel like the depth of my joys and griefs are equivalent to the grand canyon.  And I had to fall off a cliff to get here.

I think sometimes we imagine that men encompassed in addiction are going on their merry way.  Feeling happy, or at least content.  And while I think it would give us great satisfaction to know that they were suffering inside (and many are) I think most are just unaware how unhappy they are.  Or they attribute their unhappiness to outside sources rather than taking ownership for their misery.

For example:

We might suppose that a porn addict lies in bed at night thinking

"What a day!  I got my jollies online, pleased myself in the men's room at lunch, and then made love with my wife.  I'm the luckiest man alive.  And I'm getting away with it all!"

I don't believe that there is a man out there who thinks that way.  It goes against fundamental truth and universal principles.  Wickedness never was happiness. 

What we HOPE they are thinking:

"I've really screwed up.  I have a good wife, and I've betrayed her.  My kids look up to me and I am failing them.  I made bad choices, I have power to make good ones and I deliberately chose not to.  I am pathetic and I need help."

Some men get to this point, eventually.  But it takes a lot to get them there, and more often than not they are more like this

"What a crappy day.  I can't believe everything that went wrong at work.  I am so tired of all the nagging at home.  I could't help myself from getting distracted online, and what's the big deal if I please myself now and then. It's not like everyone else is perfect.  I have needs too."

Unfortunately there is a definite lack of personal responsibility there.  Is it the ideal? No.  But tell me this...

Are those the thoughts of a man who is escaping pain and suffering?  NO.  Abosolutely not.  Is it the pain and suffering we WANT them to be feeling?  No, not really.  But are they happy? Even content? Not at all. Their thoughts and lives are chaotic, confusing, frustrating, frightening, embarrassing.

Not to mention, living a life of constant justification must be exhausting.

I guess my point is that we think that they are free.  We think that they aren't feeling remorse and that they are getting away with it because they are avoiding the pain of their choices.  But we know better. 

First, we know that eventually, for them to find true happiness, they will have to face that pain.  And it will be utter anguish.  And they WILL suffer. 

Second, we know that they ARE suffering.  They ARE miserable.  They may not make the connection between their misery and their behavior, but they are not living in peace and serenity. 

Lastly, in recovery, with healing, we have the power to be happy. REALLY happy.  A new kind of happy we never knew existed.  A liberating freedom from addiction to codependency that changes everything. 

I think about this often when I look at others.  It's not just addicts that appear to get away with living a superficial and indulgent lifestyle.  All around us are people who are choosing the easy way, and therefore sacrificing the amazing power and strength that comes when we pay the price of pain and humility. 

Maybe some people are okay with mediocre relationships, with low self-worth,  weak character.  And that's their choice.  But they aren't living up to their potential, and it is therefore impossible for them to enjoy the fulfillment, superior relationships and pure joy that come when we live up to our potential.  Maybe they don't know what their missing. 

But we do. 

The Arbitrary Line

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I'm experimenting with image.  Do they enhance a post?
 

The LDS church issued a statement clarifying its position on caffeinated soft drinks.  (Although I can't seem to find the actual statement on the church website.)

As soon as I heard, I teased my mother-in-law for a minute. I told her a statement had been made and watched panic in her eyes while I let the suspense hang in the air. Boy was she relieved.  But Pete and I got to talking about it later. 

"Even if the church doesn't say it's wrong, doesn't it just seem wrong to be so attached to a beverage that the idea of removing it from your life makes you sweat and fills you with fear?" 

I'm not saying this to guilt anyone who has a Pepsi habit.  [Totally been there done that.  The summer before my senior year of high school my friend and I fed our Dr. Pepper habit with her dad's Chevron gas card until we started getting headaches and our teeth rotted out of our heads.]  I'm just reiterating a point I've already made.  (Some might call it beating a dead horse.) 

I've been thinking a lot about denial.  About how porn addicts wait too long before they finally acknowledge there is a problem.  Then I read this really great post on Row Boat and Marbles.  A couple quotes:

" Want to see an addict panic? Tell him the world just ran out of his drug and he’s on his own now. An addicted brain is in survival mode, doing whatever it can to get its drug, “by any means necessary.”

 "One of the best ways for an addict to remain in denial is to convince himself and others that he hasn’t “crossed the line.” He hasn’t yet entered addiction territory. He still just has a “little problem.” The thing about it is that “the line” is completely made up, completely arbitrary and has nothing to do with actually being addicted.

An addict has practically limitless distinctions from which to choose when he defines addiction in his mind. I’m not addicted as long as I don’t look at porn more than once every six month–once every three months–once a month–once a week...

It’s not really addiction as long as I only look at topless women–naked women–solo women–heterosexual couples–no more than two people in the picture–still-life pictures–small pictures–short videos clips–videos less than 30 seconds–two minutes–ten minutes–one hour.”

Until what?  Until everything is destroyed?  Who wants to live that way? Feeling out of control, justifying, panicking...

Recently Pete and I have "come out" to another couple in our ward who shared with us that they were dealing with this.  They are a version of us two or three years ago.  Pete and I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them, warn them that NOW is the time to take this seriously. 

So what do you do, when YOU are ready to take it seriously and your husband isn't?  I'm working on that... thinking thinking thinking...

Jane Ruminates on Addiction

This is going to be one of those posts where I'm not sure where it's going to end up, I just want to share my thoughts. 

Background:

1- Once in awhile I start to doubt whether what is happening in my life is a big deal.  Is pornography really bad, or just bad because I've been raised to believe that? Is it really a big deal if Pete looks at pornography "once in awhile?"  I've been reading Josh Weed's blog, which is great and everything, but I've also been reading the comments, and they are destroying me! There are so many lies out there, but when someone says a lie with confidence, or eloquence, I start to believe it. 

2- Pete is in the midst of another hard time.  A slip here and there.  This morning he called me, it was a bad night. Hours of white-knuckling, anguish, compulsion, remorse, frustration, discouragement, lonliness.  He is currently out of town, and as an interesting side note: he always locks the tv remote in the hotel room safe.  So when he got up in the middle of the night, desperate for a fix, all he could access by flipping channels manually on the tv was boxing on HBO.   As we all know, the addict will find a way when the addict's irrrational brain takes over.  But it likely would have been worse if he hadn't taken those precuations. 

Anyway-

I got to thinking after my conversation with him.  I stripped it down to the following idea.

Pete's body wants him to do something his brain doesn't want to do.  Take away the reasons his brain doesn't want to do it (he doesn't want to hurt me, his church tells him it's wrong, he feels guilty afterward).  Just take away all those reasons and simply say "He doesn't want to do it."  But his body wants it, his neurons are firing a thousand times a second and those impulses are manifested for him in nausea, shakiness, insomnia.  It's a physiological craving he has no control over. 

Who wants to live that way? That is addiction at it's finest, right? Who wants to have a behavior that despite every intellectual effort to ignore, feels unstoppable.  It is truly a loss of control.  And in my mind, with regard to my body, I want control. 

It's not okay, because of all the reasons I mentioned above, that it hurts me, it IS wrong, and it is harmful to the souls of those who participate on both sides of the screen.  

But even when I have my doubts, I can fundamentally know, that there is nothing I want in my life, and I'll speak for Pete here, there is nothing he wants in HIS life, that keeps us from living the way we want to live.  I guess that's what they mean when they say our lives become unmanagable.  Our compulsive behaviors keep us from living a fulfilling and meaningful life, as manifested by Pete's total lack of sleep last night, and the exhausting day he faces today. 

I think anything that we wish to stop doing, and find ourselves physically unable to do so, is contrary to God's plan for us.

But that's just Jane ruminating.

Inherent worth

So waaaay back when, in the beginning of it all, I was worried my hero Jacy was becoming a man hater.  I sent her an email one night trying to pass along a little seed of hope for her that there are good men out there.  In response she wrote this post.  (On her old blog, last September.)  It's great.  Flash forward to today and I read a comment on her new blog from a concerned woman, regarding that post; but for inexplicable reasons she was unable to comment there and commented instead on Jacy's post about Perfection. 

Was that confusing?  Anyway, I really hope she doesn't mind me doing this, but I want to give her hope too! So I'm going to paste parts of her comment here (it was anonymous) and respond to it.  Because these things are very close to my heart.

"I find myself reading blogs like these until all hours in the night, because the emotions are still strong, and frankly, I'm completely nervous for our society. We are a mess. Everything is a mess, when it comes to this. I have a son, and I'm scared to death to raise him. But it's not just him - my girls. What are the chances they will end up married to someone with this problem? Probably pretty high that at least one of them will. So I read about it, stew about it, and again confront my husband to make sure he is not doing it (really, though, I do believe him, as I've snooped pretty hard, and found 0 evidence).

The ratio of worthy women to men is completely skewed, and getting more that way every day. What do you think?"

So sorry to butt in here, I know you were probably asking Jacy, but here is what I think:

Am I more worthy than my husband?

I'm currently reading "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell.  (Also the author of The Peacegiver.)  He talks about this very issue, he addresses the common idea that women are "more spiritual" than men.  This is what he says. 

"Do I believe that men are helped by women to become more than they could be alone? A thousand times, yes. Just as I believe that our gender differences make men helpful to women in precisely the same way.  We tweak each other's weaknesses, which allows for individual and mutual growth that would be more difficult to come by otherwise.  To invite one gender to think themselves a mountain and the other to consider themselves but a valley is to pit partners against each other and to sow bitterness rather than love.  If it is the duty of the man (which I believe it is) to care first and foremost for his wife, it is equally the duty of the wife to care first and foremost for her husband." 

In order to have a mutually fulfilling and joyful, loving relationship with Pete, I have to let go of the idea that I am inherently superior to him in spirituality.

I do not believe a pornography addiction will keep my husband out of the celestial kingdom any more than some of my own selfish, carnal behaviors will keep me out.  Of course, I have hope that my husband will overcome his addiction in this life, because his behaviors will always be hurtful to me.  But his addiction has no bearing on his worth.  One thing I make great effort to convey on this blog is how this experience has caused me to reflect on my own need for a Savior.  I, just like Pete, have need of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I do not mean to imply that all sins are equal.  I do not believe this.  Some sins are absolutely more aggregious. Pornography addiction is an ugly thing, and in the life of an addict who doesn't turn to the Savior it can wreak havoc and destroy families in the process.

But I do believe all souls are equal.  And additionally, all sin keeps us seperated from God, which means we ALL need the atonement equally.   I am no more worthy than my husband, in that sense.  And I hope that together we will endure through this life to find reprieve from our frailties in the eternities, together. 

  With regard to my children.  I hope they are spared this pain-- and yet it has made all the difference for me in my life.  And since no one is spared suffering, I am trying to replace my fear and hopelessness with courage and conviction to teach them about faith, love and gratitude to carry them through whatever difficulty comes their way. 

If you read this dear Anonymous-commenter-on-Jacy's-blog, I hope it helps cheer your heart.  Life is good.  Men are good.  We're ALL going to be okay.  As Scab's loves to say, we already know which side wins. 

Right?

Another great video

Someone on the forum shared the link to this video.  It was really good, very informative and validating.  My only disappointment was that the divorced woman they interviewed said she felt like she had done everything she could to "fix" the problem, and I only hope that she has let go of the idea that it was hers to fix.  I admire her very much for her wisdom during the experience, courage to share, and the overall kindness she still feels for her ex-husband.

Anyway- it is 28 minutes so watch it when you have the chance. It talks about the negative effects of pornography, particularly on relationships, hope for overcoming addiction in a marriage, and how to prevent future problems with pornography addiction in our children. 

http://byutv.org/watch/b933fe5c-3201-4cca-a124-e4e6492a9122#ooid=ZvazJuMTop5S0AEO2UsDn03tvm3y_6Qx

My favorite line regarding discussing the problem with our children:

"Every family is different, every child is different.  You decide what the right age is, then subtract three years and then you are only a year late." 

Let me know what you think of it.

Minutes, hours, days

Yesterday was our anniversary.  Nine years.  We ate take-out with our kids.  I think we'll try for something a little more romantic this weekend.
We are two different people than we were one year ago.  In fact, we are two different people than we were one week ago.  For better or worse, right?

A few days ago I felt so discouraged, so afraid, so confused.  I remember distinctly thinking  "I know I'm going to forgive him for this, but I can't imagine how..."  The pain is so intense sometimes I can't see any way out of it.  I can't see how we are going to get to a good place again. I can't see how we will end up on the same page again.  

I can't believe it's only been one week, it feels like so much longer.  A couple days after our discussion on Friday we tried to talk about it again.  He wasn't ready to talk, but I tried to force it.  There was still too much residual hurt and anger.  We both agreed it was time we needed.  He asked if that meant space?  I said no, just minutes, hours, days. 

Sure enough, as each day passed I found myself able to make small talk with him again, to laugh again and make jokes about the kids.  It helped a little that he had to go out of town for a couple days.  Isn't it SO annoying sometimes that time is the answer?  I must be the most impatient person alive. 

RESOLUTION NOW PLEASE!

At  one point during that forced conversation he said to me:

"We're going to get through this, it's going to be okay."

At first I resented that, I felt like he wasn't taking it seriously enough.  Then I appreciated it.  Like Scabs pointed out to me, we have the same goals, we can focus on that. 

So last night after the kids were in bed we spent our anniversary sorting through the sticky stuff and we miraculously came out on top.

If I weren't Mormon-would I still believe pornography is bad?

I've often asked myself if I weren't LDS, would I still feel the way I do about pornography? I've thought much about this and I have to say, yes. I would still feel the way I feel now, about pornography.  I'll elaborate, of course.

It is a difficult question to ask, because my religion is the foundation of my morality.  But my experiences have caused me to be reasonably sure that even if I took religion out of the equation, I would still consider pornography as fundamentally wrong.  It is harmful to relationships, it is an avenue to futher sexual deviancy, and as with all addictions- it can destroy the soul of the individual.  (And that is not even to speak of the souls of those in front of the camera.)

The LDS church preaches strongly that pornography should be avoided.  But it preaches the same about gambling, illegal drugs and alcohol. The church takes a clear stand against all addictive substances and behaviors.  This makes sense to me.  On an intellectual level I concur with these teachings. 

I will admit that in the beginning a significant amount of my emotional pain came from the shame I felt because this behavior is looked down on and condemned so harshly in my religious culture.  But often our initial reactions aren't our hardest ones to overcome, and I believe now that both Pete and I have moved past that embarrassment.  When appropriate we are both comfortable talking about it. 

So I want to address the three reasons I mentioned above, why I think pornography is fundamentally wrong.

1.  It is harmful to relationships.  After desperately searching online for some support from other wives, I came across a forum on Cafe Mom called WoPA.  Wives of Porn Addicts.  Although there are some very kind women who mediate the forum, it can be a very depressing place.  Occasionally I came across women of my own faith, but many were not.  Many doubted their feelings of hurt and wondered if they were over-reacting or unreasonable.  But I've come to believe that pornography is a form of infidelity and it is natural, even scientifically explicable, for wives to feel betrayed.  Issues of trust arise, and once a woman has been wounded emotionally, she no longer feels comfortable in a sexual relationship, resulting in issues with intimacy.  I need not say more about damaged relationships. 

2.  It leads to other sexually deviant behaviors.  I have encountered many women whose marriages have ended tragically or continue to suffer because their husband's pornography addiction led to affairs, molesting children -even their own, and questioning their sexuality.  [Personal beliefs aside, questioning your sexuality may not be a problem, unless you are in a relationship with a woman and you decide you'd rather be with a man.]  Pornography addiction, when unrestrained can lead to financial ruin, prison and destroyed lives.  Which leads me to #3.

3.  I hold it to be true that all forms of addiction canker an individual's soul.  Addiction leads to lives that become unmanagable. Ask any alcoholic.  Self-esteem withers as addicts feel out of control.  Guilt over the hurt the addict causes his/her loved ones becomes so difficult to cope with that often the addict will withdraw, act out in anger or other defensive ways which leads to a lonely and miserable life. I could go on and on, but I think I've made the point.

If you are one of the women who wonders if you are being unreasonable, if your husband is telling you that it is his problem alone, assuming he even acknowledges it as a problem, don't discredit your feelings.  Learn about it, and use your knowledge to communicate with him in a non-confrontational way.  It IS wrong.  Don't be afraid to believe that or to say it.

Shamed

A new world has unfolded to me in the last six months since I turned to the internet for support.  Addiction, and perhaps especially pornography addiction is so awkward to discuss, there is so much shame and fear associated with it.  There is also much that is misunderstood, or just not understood.  I look forward to meeting the women and men I've encountered along my journey, if not in this life in the next.  They have helped me tremendously. 

I want to help too.  I really do.  An opportunity has presented itself and I'm anxious to be involved.  Jessica Mockett is a film-maker who did research on the subject of pornography addiction/sexual addiction and felt compelled to produce a film that addresses the following:

Shamed, a documentary feature, will look at how to remove the debilitating personal and group shame that exists around pornography and sexuality in conservative Christian communities. Those of us who would preach a balanced life of fidelity and healthy sexual relations are being drowned out by the pervasive messaging of an over-sexualized world. Our best protection is open, honest, healthy communication on pornography and sexual addiction, empowering the people we love to "SPEAK, LISTEN, and HEAL."


Shamed Teaser - V2 from Girl with a Curl on Vimeo.

Although I've learned a lot, there are things that I wish I had understood before.  Knowledge truly is power and if there is greater knowledge on this subject I have no doubt it will help those who encounter this addiction to cope.  I am 100% in favor of being a voice of "fidelity and healthy sexual relations" in our "over-sexualized world."

I'm so grateful for the people behind this, who have the courage to come forward and share.  I don't personally have the courage to put my face on camera and share the turmoil my husband and I endure.  But I will put my money where my mouth should be and support the cause.

I know that for some, when there is no money there is no money.  But if you are financially able I am asking you to go to this site and contribute.  Unfortunately movies don't make themselves, and although knowledge is free providing access to it is not.  I think this group with this film can reach a large audience and have a lasting influence.

Kickstarter is a fundraising avenue, but it is all or nothing.   The initial goal for production is $40,000, and if the goal is not reached the project does not go forward.  You can pledge your money now, and when the goal is reached your card will be charged.  You will not have to pay if the project does not go forward. 

For others who have blogs, please help us spread the word.  Email me and I will connect you with the team putting this all together.  hisstrugglemystruggle@gmail.com

You can read much more about the movie here as well.

When the Crap Hits the Fan

I've heard this saying often in reference to the "event" wherein the wife learns of the husband's addiction.  I love it because before the "event" our lives feel so pleasant and clean, because even though the "crap" exists we are unaware.  When we become aware, all of the sudden everything feels filthy and messy.  It stinks, but worse.

I was blessed (I guess?) that I learned of Pete's addiction gradually, as it became an addiction.  Although he had seen pornography before our marriage it was incidental and still repulsive.  A few years into our marriage he began to seek it out.  These episodes were rare, and for the most part he confessed them immediately.  He often told me that he struggled with his thoughts, but I considered that to be normal and although I appreciated his concern, I wasn't concerned. 

The first time he told me he had purchased a pornographic program on a hotel television I felt nauseated.  The idea that those images would be in the dark places of his mind forever both infuriated me and depressed me.  I felt that he was changed forever.  But I was still naive enough to believe it would never happen again, because I could see that he felt as sick about it as I did.  That was four or five years ago.

It wasn't until a little over a year ago that he began throwing around the word "addiction."  At first I felt like it was an excuse.  It was as if he was telling me "Sorry. I'm addicted. Therefore I can't help myself."  But I figured that if he was addicted it was good that he was admitting to it.   Shortly after that milestone there came a time where he was acting out on his addiction and not telling me.  He was sure that he would "fix" it, and then come to me when he was positive that he was "cured."  After a visit with the bishop where he was reprimanded for that way of thinking he disclosed everything to me.  Addiction thrives in secrecy.

This was when the crap hit the fan for me.  This was when I realized that pornography was a part of my life now.  I was married to an addict.  This was when I cried often, and hard.  This was when I considered threats and options for a way out.  This was my darkest time. 

That was one year ago.  Ironically, this past year has been the worst so far regarding the frequency of episodes and relapses.  But because of the frequency of our falls, our committment to overcome them has become more desperate, and much stronger.  Pete has reached deep, as have I, and we have taken drastic steps toward recovery that we wouldn't have considered a year ago.

But we are still cleaning up the crap, still finding it in far-flung places.  I suppose that is the way of recovery.  But it's a work I'm willing to do.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.

My Story

When I married my husband (who I refer to as "Pete") eight years ago in the temple he was a straight arrow.  He was chaste and morally clean.  He had never been tempted by pornography or self-gratification.   Four or five years into our marriage he began to travel for work and one night in his hotel room out of curiosity he viewed pornography for the first time.  In the last three years he has worked hard to deal with this ever growing addiction and we continute to endure setbacks.  I believe in the atonement, I am committed to our marriage, and I have hope for better days.  But it is a difficult road at times and I started this blog to express my thoughts and share my insights.