My Foes

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There is a hymn I've always loved.  Since I was a teenager I've always felt STRONG when I sing it.  Often the pianist will slow it down for the last first, and let the congregation really feel it as they sing

That soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose, 
I will not, I can not, desert to [her] foes. 
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake
I'll never, no never, no never forsake. 

But I couldn't ever really figure out who my foes were.  I don't really have any real enemies to speak of. I'm certainly not fighting any kind of literal war.  So when God has my back, who does He have my back against?

The past couple months have had me reeling in self-doubt. I'm not sure where it came from, but all of the sudden I became painfully aware of my shriveled and suffering self-worth.  One day as I was walking, and listening to this hymn, it occurred to me that in my life, my foes aren't any awful people that prevent me from loving my life and myself. My foes are the voices in my head that tell me that I'm not okay the way I am.  The voice that tells me to be embarrassed of what I have, or don't have.  The voice that tells me to hide parts of myself around certain people.  The voice that tells me I need to change before I can be acceptable.  The voices that constantly over-think and over-analyze something as simple as a comment on Facebook or a message sent on Voxer.  Those voices are my own personal enemies.

And I started to cry, walking down the bustling streets of my city.  Why is self-esteem so elusive? My goodness it teases me!

Accepting myself, loving myself, sharing myself with confidence has become the object of my existence for the last few weeks.

On a somewhat related note, for International Women's Day some friends and I recited [most of] this poem in an assembly at our children's school.  It is so beautiful.

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken? 
Bowed head and lowered eyes? 
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

(Still I Rise  - Maya Angelou.  Read the entire poem or hear it read, here.)

My Core Sample

I love this! 

Earlier this fall, after a fun and adventurous summer, I found myself in a funk of utter loneliness when my kids went back to school. Making friends in this new place hasn't been as easy as I was hoping.  Culture and demographics have been obstacles and for days I found myself desperate for some face to face connection.  I am a woman who NEEDS friendship.  But I came across this quote from poet John O'Donohue and I decided to embrace this lonely time in my life as a chance to discover myself. 

“When you cease to fear your solitude, a new creativity awakens in you. Your forgotten or neglected wealth begins to reveal itself. You come home to yourself and learn to rest within. Thoughts are our inner senses. Infused with silence and solitude, they bring out the mystery of inner landscape.”

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I remember hearing a talk at church when I was in college where the speaker talked about a “core sample”, which is a mining technique where a drill goes into the rock and retrieves a shaft of the stone for scientists to analyze the content of the rock, to determine its value. 

I’ve been thinking about what a core sample of ME would look like.  What am I made of?  What parts of my identity belong to my soul?  What bits of Jane can never be taken away? 

This is what I came up with.  And I would really love it if anyone else wants to join me.  Email me your core sample.  I would love to read it. Discover yourself.  What bits of you will always remain intact even if everything else falls apart?

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My soul is the offspring of a divine Father and Mother, whose love and affections fill me with joy and are manifested in many, or all, of the things that speak to my soul.  My inherent worth comes because of this relationship.  I am entitled to communication and connection with my spiritual creator. 

My soul yearns for connection and love from other humans, wherever I go.  It mourns with the tribulations of those I love and others I’ve never met.  It revels in the joy observed in the lives of others, known and unknown to me.

My body and soul feel most connected when I run and when I practice yoga.  Running empowers me, fills my soul with confidence and strength, and moments of pure glee.

Yoga clears my head, amplifies my spiritual inklings, and gives me peace.

My soul loves Earth and nature.  It cringes with the death of living creatures and it glows with fields and trees.  Rivers are the resting place of my soul.  Sunshine is like helium in a balloon, it inflates and lifts my soul.

My intellect speaks in logic and reason, my soul speaks in faith.

I consider myself a pacifist. I believe I’m incapable of killing. 

I am inspired by music, everything from Enya to Sean Kingston, Yo-Yo Ma, Alicia Keys, Debussy and Journey.

I am kind.  I am free.  I am longing.  I am earnest and sensitive.  I am friendly and accommodating. I am sentimental.

My soul is a travel warrior, ever daydreaming of road trips and international adventures.  I crave new scenery, new cultures, new foods.   

I am capable of overcoming, loving, learning and succeeding.  

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Watch this video and see how Glennon discovered herself. 

And this poem...

A Blessing of Solitude
by John O’Donohue

May you recognize in your life the presence, power and light of your soul.
May you realize that you are never alone,
that your soul in its brightness and belonging connects you
intimately with the rhythm of the universe.
May you have respect for your own individuality and difference.
May you realize that the shape of your soul is unique,
that you have a special destiny here,
that behind the facade of your life there is something
beautiful, good, and eternal happening.
May you learn to see yourself with the same delight, pride,
and expectation with which God sees you in every moment.

Step 6 - Change of Heart

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"This is not a do-it-ourselves program.  We are not abdicating self-responsibility, but we are learning to trust God, trust the process, and trust ourselves.  When it is time to change, we will become changed.  We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that.  For now, our part is becoming ready to let go." 

- Melody Beattie

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My dad majored in English in college.  He was a high ranking officer in the grammar police force.  As kids he would pay us a quarter if we used an impressive vocabulary word in appropriate context.  In junior high and high school I would take my essays to him for proof-reading.  He would pull out his red pen and go to town, making all kinds of marks and corrections and questions.  I would walk away and look at my paper, all messy and chaotic and feel so discouraged.  I wrote like a 14 year old, and not a bad one, but I felt like he expected college level academics from me.  I would make the corrections and take it back to him and he would mark it up again.  He didn’t mean to, but he was creating a perfectionist.  A belief gradually settled into my soul, that I could always do better.  I don’t mean a belief in the moral sense of the word, but rather an idea that takes hold in us.  Not all beliefs are noble, in fact many are lies.  Eventually I quit asking my dad to proof-read my papers. 

In the meantime I came to view God like my dad.  Each time I came to him, I was always met with the response “You can do better.  You can always do better.” When I went to church I would come home feeling like that messy, marked-up essay.  Work on this, develop that more, improve here, work harder there.  This left me feeling discouraged in my heart, but motivated in my head.  I WILL improve. I WILL work harder. DO more. 

So I always resented it when people told me I was doing my best.  That’s a lie, I would think. I can always do better.  Which is true, right? I COULD be a little more patient with my kids.  I SHOULD spend less time on social media.  I OUGHT to be more kind and compassionate.  It was all on me.  DO more.  So I would.  If criticism was my vice, I gave it up for lent.  Anything that kept me from reaching my potential became a self-improvement project.

When I began step 6 someone in my group suggested this talk/article.  From the minute I heard the following question I knew I was going to learn something life changing. 

“I know that I have to do my part and then Jesus makes up the difference and fills the gap that stands between my part and perfection. But who fills the gap that stands between where I am now and my part?”

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Step 6 is all about grace.  But perfectionists don’t buy into grace.  I will fix it. I will fix ME.  I will DO whatever it takes until I am polished and perfect.   

But the truth, the REAL belief, is that I AM a rough draft.  And I am still enough. 

My weaknesses are many and my Step 4/5 brought a painful awareness of my shortcomings.  But it was time to back off the DOING.  It was a new heart I wanted, not just a set of new behaviors.  

"When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed.  The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature." 

- Thomas S. Monson

In The Meantime

Gosh- how often I've mourned the lost time that has been dedicated to recovery.  My so-called recovery has ebbed and flowed, and ebbed to the point of obsession at times.  I'm starting to feel a longing to resume old interests, pursue new ones, and try to use my recovery time more efficiently.  But for anyone who has felt like pornography addiction, or another tragedy, or even just life, has gotten in the way of their dreams, this [cheesy mommy] song is for you.

But today, it is ESPECIALLY for my friend Alicia, because there have been moments when I have been that aching heart that only she could lift. 

Alicia- Heaven hears the joy of every victory in your life, and heaven hears your heart before you cry.  And girl- I KNOW you are being sanctified.




Thank you to all my other friends who have been a friend. And for each of you- don't doubt your place, or your ability to be a gift and blessing in someone else's life. 

Hang in there peeps.  

Building my house of Confidence

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My therapist suggested I study cognitive distortions.  As Fancy Nancy would say “That’s just a fancy way of saying negative thoughts.”  Everyone has cognitive distortions, we all have erred thinking, but the psychologically unwell, like myself, have these thoughts at an incapacitating level.  These thoughts keep me from being emotionally healthy. 

There are dozens of identified cognitive distortions but one that I’ve found to be a habitual practice of mine is “PERSONALIZATION.”  There is great irony in that term because just about everything in my life feels personal except psychology vernacular. 

Personalization is when I make everything about me. 

I have an old friend from childhood who has done some impressive things with her life.  Both personally and professionally she serves humanity worldwide and advocates for women in particular. She is also a wife and mother and I have confidence she fills those roles well.  She periodically posts pictures on Instagram of her international travels to exciting places, where she does genuine, good work for people.   I find that after I see these posts instead of appreciating her efforts for the greater good, admiring her ambition and skill, and feeling happy for her life experiences; I feel jealous, depressed, and painfully inadequate. 

All of the sudden the inspiring work of a gifted soul has become about ME, and my insecurities.  Her success means my failure.  Her accomplishments are superior, mine inferior.  All of this making her worth to the world greater, and my worth less.  Worthless.  

My boys are obsessed with all things Star Wars, including the Weird Al rendition of "American Pie" titled "Anakin." I have it memorized.  Lately I've been thinking about how it is interesting that Yoda felt Anakin wasn’t qualified to be a Jedi because he sensed fear.    I’m sure he sensed Anakin’s insecurities, pride, anger and desire for power, but the ultimate deal breaker was fear. 

Fear is a sneaky thing.  It masks itself as low self-esteem or ego.  It is disguised in jealousy and even artificial confidence.  But without a doubt I know my personalization comes from fear. 

Fear of being fundamentally less than others.  Fear that my contributions are less valuable.  Fear that if people don’t perceive me as kind, then that means I am not kind. (Or intelligent, or successful.)  

I imagine a world without those fears.  I dream of a world where all the amazing things other people do enhance my joy, rather than detract from it.  A world where I do not fear other’s perceptions of me because I have an internal and abiding understanding that I can contribute and my existence is worthwhile, in spite of my shortcomings.  But even underneath my house of confidence and reassurance, in my mind’s eye, I construct a foundation of knowledge that I have inherent worth.  It is neither less than those whose lives seem to exceed mine in value, nor is it greater than those whose lives deliberately or incidentally destroy my perceived value. 

It just exists.  It is the opposite of fear.  It is profound personal acceptance and peace.  It is not influenced by the behavior, attitude or accomplishments of others.  It is liberating.  It gives me freedom to act, to live, to be vulnerable, to make mistakes, and to love others in spite of their mistakes.  It is my mantra. 

I AM ENOUGH. 

So why the heck can’t I believe it?

I am enough.

"I am imperfect. I am wired for struggle. I am worthy of love and belonging."

We walked into the gymastics complex and my energetic daughter bolted for her class. I walked past my usual place on the chairs, separated from the group of moms who had been coming much longer and seemed to know each other well. I was usually content alone, content to watch my daughter or read blogs on my phone. But deep down I knew the reason I was avoiding the mom group was shame. Or at least, shame as Brene Brown defines it; "the fear of disconnection."

What if they reject me? What if we have nothing in common? It is much safer over here alone.

If I waited until I was the person I wanted these women to think I was, before I tried to initiate a friendship, I would wait forever. So I took a seat next to the mom-group in an effort to take a risk and include myself.

For an hour I tried to make eye contact and laugh at the jokes. For an hour I was [for all intents and purposes] ignored. I don't think these women are snobs. I don't think they were deliberately excluding me.

The result of my experiment? I felt humiliated. I did not feel loved or worthy. My gut reaction was to swear them off, go back to my little corner, build a giant wall to protect myself from any further rejection. But what would that accomplish? Wouldn't it just validate my feelings of inadequacy? Wouldn't it just say "You are right. You are not worthy. You belong over there. Alone." Even though my actions are guided by these defeating thoughts, I don't really believe them. I am imperfect, yes. But I am worthy of connection.

I decided to take another shot. I hadn't actually met my daughter's new coach yet. She is young and beautiful and I hadn't introduced myself because I always assume people think the worst of me, and by default my children.

I am being annoying. She is annoyed that my three year old doesn't understand how to stand in line. She doesn't care about knowing me.

After the class was over I waited for her by the gate. I introduced myself and her face lit up.

"I love your little girl! She has so much enthusiasm. I just love her so much!"

What better reward could a mother ask for than such expressions of adoration about her child? And a connection. I am worthy.

Vulnerability is risky. It is so risky. I thought I got it. A few weeks ago after watching Brene's Ted Talk a couple times, I thought I had it down. I hadn't perfected it, but I felt like I was living authentically, willing to be really seen. Then when a good friend said "love you" on the phone and I couldn't say it back, I knew I was way off the mark.

Vulnerability means

"do[ing] something where there are no guarantees... [being] willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out...

I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job --you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting."

(Emphasis added.)

It is terrifying. It means that there are unquestionably going to be disappointments, heartbreak, and betrayal. It is counterintuitive. Maybe because we are built for survival, we are built for emotional survival. Protect, protect, protect.

I know I walk around in shame and fear. I automatically assume that unless otherwise told, people are entirely focused on my flaws, and I am ashamed of my flaws. It is much easier to be unseen, to pretend I'm the person I want people to think I am.

Sometimes the reward for courage is disappointment. But sometimes the reward for courage is to really feel, to connect, to be loved and have my worth validated. The real courage and authenticity comes when I let go of trying to predict the results of my vulnerability. I let go of my anxious method of trying to selectively choose the situations where I can guarantee a positive response.

One last quote from Brene (emphasis added)

"To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee --and that's really hard...to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror... just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,to say, "I'm just so grateful,because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."

And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place..that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Imperfect People Who Love Me

The woman who I shared my 4th step inventory with is the facilitator in the 12-step meeting I attend.  She was one of the first women I met when I started attending group meetings.  I ought to be careful what I share about her, but she is experienced and loving, and I spent the most vulnerable few hours of my life opening my soul to her. 

It is inevitable that the people we love and admire most will let us down at some point.  Our family members who love us most can often hurt us the deepest.  This is a great disapointment to my sensitive heart, and when I place someone on a pedastal, it can be heartbreaking to see that pedastal come crashing down as their own character weaknesses are exposed.   No one is perfect, and yet I find it a rude awakening when I've been blessed for so long to see only the good in someone. 

Last night in our "meeting after the meeting" I expressed an opinion.  It was about sex.  All eyes were on me.  But no sooner had I finished my sentence than my bold and vocal facilitator squashed it.  She was standing and all eyes snapped to her visage as she waxed eloquent refuting my experessed opinion with (what felt to me) both mockery and reason. 

I felt ashamed.  I felt like a crushed bug.  All eyes were back on me and I searched each pair for some sign of validation or support. 

It must be said that on my way home this dear woman called and offered a sincere and humble apology for the way she had treated me.  But the damage was done.  And soon enough I will forgive, but in the meantime I'm bitterly disappointed.

I told this story to Pete, and lamented the way this woman had changed in my eyes.  He said to me

"Eventually we see that everyone is human, with faults and frailties.  I don't think we can really know anyone until we see that."

I guess the trick is finding a way to let those faults and frailties fill me with more love, rather than less.  I've been reading in the Book of Mormon, about Moroni and Pahoran.  Moroni, the equivalent of an army general was out fighting a war and wondering why Pahoran, the equivalent of a president or king wasn't sending any aid or assistance.  Moroni, who the Book of Mormon regales with praise, writes a scathing letter to Pahoran. 

How painful it must have been for Pahoran to get that letter.  Moroni was his friend, and he wrote words like "condemnation", "slothfulness", and "negligence." And how does Pahoran respond?  Just like I did, says the girl who drove home in a fury and refused to even listen to the voicemail apology until the next morning. 

Or not.  Rather Pahoran said:

"And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart."  Then he proceeded to give a very reasonable explanation for the alleged crimes Moroni had laid against him.

I know my facilitator friend is so much more than she was in that moment.  I know Pete is so much more than his addiction.  I know that I am so much more than the insecure and self-pitying person who can't tolerate being disagreed with. 

So even if I put people on a pedastal that eventually comes crashing down, it doesn't have to be the end of my relationship with them, better yet it can be the beginning of a REAL relationship, with a REAL and imperfect person. 

Weapons in My Private Cognitive Warfare

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So, in an effort to keep the bird from building a nest on my head, I came up with some simple, but meaningful phrases.  I want to memorize these, take them with me everywhere for awhile, until I can pull them up into my consciousness whenever my negative, self-pitying, critical thoughts start to take hold.  This is an experiment of sorts I guess.  Has anyone else tried something like this? I got the idea from Mara's post.

Many of these came from quotes or ideas from others, so I've cited those sources at the bottom.  I tried to make the statements concise and rhythmic.  We'll see...

#1- WORTH

• I need not depend on others to validate my worth.
• I need not prove my worth.¹
• I need only compare myself as I am and as I used to be.²

#2- LOVE

• I can make room for empathy by letting go of shame and guilt.
• I can love others as a reflection of God's love in me.
• I can be true to my faith, and a blessing to others regardless of their faith.³

#3- PETE

• I can demonstrate admiration.
• I can reciprocate love through affection.

#4- GRATITUDE

• I will not let my soul be sorrow's home.⁴
• I will not be blind to the goodness of those who surround me.

#5- HUMILITY

• I am loved by God the way I am, but loved too much to be left this way.⁵  
• I can give up the charade of my righteousness.⁶
• I can choose love over esteem, kindness over recognition.⁷
• I can see that my personal need for the Savior is not affected by what others have or have not done. ⁸

1. Marjorie Pay Hinckley
2. Courage to Change: One Day at a Time - I NEED this book.  I hear good quotes from it all the time at group meeting. 
3. Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks Jewish Imperative
4. S. Michael Wilcox - Sunset - The exact quote reads: "The soul was not made by God to be sorrow's home. He would have us happy."
5. Brad Wilcox - his words I'm referencing here are from a different presentation not available online.
6-8. James L. Ferrell - Falling to Heaven

The rascal got away with it, or did he?

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There's a phrase in my head, or a few phrases.  They've been floating around in my conversations, comments and thoughts.

"Doesn't it seem like they are getting away with it?"

"It isn't fair that he can just repent to the bishop and be forgiven and I'm still hurting."

"He gets to have his cake and eat it too.  I don't think he feels any consequences or cares about hurting me." 

I hope that I can articulate the way I feel about this in my soul. 

Way back when... when I wore rose-colored glasses, I figured I was happy.  Yeah, I had some serious issues with self-pity now and then, but it never really occurred to me that I could be happier.   The depth of my feelings, both joy and grief, were equivalent to a mountain spring.  Little pebbles and twigs had defined my character. 

Now, I feel like the depth of my joys and griefs are equivalent to the grand canyon.  And I had to fall off a cliff to get here.

I think sometimes we imagine that men encompassed in addiction are going on their merry way.  Feeling happy, or at least content.  And while I think it would give us great satisfaction to know that they were suffering inside (and many are) I think most are just unaware how unhappy they are.  Or they attribute their unhappiness to outside sources rather than taking ownership for their misery.

For example:

We might suppose that a porn addict lies in bed at night thinking

"What a day!  I got my jollies online, pleased myself in the men's room at lunch, and then made love with my wife.  I'm the luckiest man alive.  And I'm getting away with it all!"

I don't believe that there is a man out there who thinks that way.  It goes against fundamental truth and universal principles.  Wickedness never was happiness. 

What we HOPE they are thinking:

"I've really screwed up.  I have a good wife, and I've betrayed her.  My kids look up to me and I am failing them.  I made bad choices, I have power to make good ones and I deliberately chose not to.  I am pathetic and I need help."

Some men get to this point, eventually.  But it takes a lot to get them there, and more often than not they are more like this

"What a crappy day.  I can't believe everything that went wrong at work.  I am so tired of all the nagging at home.  I could't help myself from getting distracted online, and what's the big deal if I please myself now and then. It's not like everyone else is perfect.  I have needs too."

Unfortunately there is a definite lack of personal responsibility there.  Is it the ideal? No.  But tell me this...

Are those the thoughts of a man who is escaping pain and suffering?  NO.  Abosolutely not.  Is it the pain and suffering we WANT them to be feeling?  No, not really.  But are they happy? Even content? Not at all. Their thoughts and lives are chaotic, confusing, frustrating, frightening, embarrassing.

Not to mention, living a life of constant justification must be exhausting.

I guess my point is that we think that they are free.  We think that they aren't feeling remorse and that they are getting away with it because they are avoiding the pain of their choices.  But we know better. 

First, we know that eventually, for them to find true happiness, they will have to face that pain.  And it will be utter anguish.  And they WILL suffer. 

Second, we know that they ARE suffering.  They ARE miserable.  They may not make the connection between their misery and their behavior, but they are not living in peace and serenity. 

Lastly, in recovery, with healing, we have the power to be happy. REALLY happy.  A new kind of happy we never knew existed.  A liberating freedom from addiction to codependency that changes everything. 

I think about this often when I look at others.  It's not just addicts that appear to get away with living a superficial and indulgent lifestyle.  All around us are people who are choosing the easy way, and therefore sacrificing the amazing power and strength that comes when we pay the price of pain and humility. 

Maybe some people are okay with mediocre relationships, with low self-worth,  weak character.  And that's their choice.  But they aren't living up to their potential, and it is therefore impossible for them to enjoy the fulfillment, superior relationships and pure joy that come when we live up to our potential.  Maybe they don't know what their missing. 

But we do. 

Inherent worth

So waaaay back when, in the beginning of it all, I was worried my hero Jacy was becoming a man hater.  I sent her an email one night trying to pass along a little seed of hope for her that there are good men out there.  In response she wrote this post.  (On her old blog, last September.)  It's great.  Flash forward to today and I read a comment on her new blog from a concerned woman, regarding that post; but for inexplicable reasons she was unable to comment there and commented instead on Jacy's post about Perfection. 

Was that confusing?  Anyway, I really hope she doesn't mind me doing this, but I want to give her hope too! So I'm going to paste parts of her comment here (it was anonymous) and respond to it.  Because these things are very close to my heart.

"I find myself reading blogs like these until all hours in the night, because the emotions are still strong, and frankly, I'm completely nervous for our society. We are a mess. Everything is a mess, when it comes to this. I have a son, and I'm scared to death to raise him. But it's not just him - my girls. What are the chances they will end up married to someone with this problem? Probably pretty high that at least one of them will. So I read about it, stew about it, and again confront my husband to make sure he is not doing it (really, though, I do believe him, as I've snooped pretty hard, and found 0 evidence).

The ratio of worthy women to men is completely skewed, and getting more that way every day. What do you think?"

So sorry to butt in here, I know you were probably asking Jacy, but here is what I think:

Am I more worthy than my husband?

I'm currently reading "Falling to Heaven" by James Ferrell.  (Also the author of The Peacegiver.)  He talks about this very issue, he addresses the common idea that women are "more spiritual" than men.  This is what he says. 

"Do I believe that men are helped by women to become more than they could be alone? A thousand times, yes. Just as I believe that our gender differences make men helpful to women in precisely the same way.  We tweak each other's weaknesses, which allows for individual and mutual growth that would be more difficult to come by otherwise.  To invite one gender to think themselves a mountain and the other to consider themselves but a valley is to pit partners against each other and to sow bitterness rather than love.  If it is the duty of the man (which I believe it is) to care first and foremost for his wife, it is equally the duty of the wife to care first and foremost for her husband." 

In order to have a mutually fulfilling and joyful, loving relationship with Pete, I have to let go of the idea that I am inherently superior to him in spirituality.

I do not believe a pornography addiction will keep my husband out of the celestial kingdom any more than some of my own selfish, carnal behaviors will keep me out.  Of course, I have hope that my husband will overcome his addiction in this life, because his behaviors will always be hurtful to me.  But his addiction has no bearing on his worth.  One thing I make great effort to convey on this blog is how this experience has caused me to reflect on my own need for a Savior.  I, just like Pete, have need of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I do not mean to imply that all sins are equal.  I do not believe this.  Some sins are absolutely more aggregious. Pornography addiction is an ugly thing, and in the life of an addict who doesn't turn to the Savior it can wreak havoc and destroy families in the process.

But I do believe all souls are equal.  And additionally, all sin keeps us seperated from God, which means we ALL need the atonement equally.   I am no more worthy than my husband, in that sense.  And I hope that together we will endure through this life to find reprieve from our frailties in the eternities, together. 

  With regard to my children.  I hope they are spared this pain-- and yet it has made all the difference for me in my life.  And since no one is spared suffering, I am trying to replace my fear and hopelessness with courage and conviction to teach them about faith, love and gratitude to carry them through whatever difficulty comes their way. 

If you read this dear Anonymous-commenter-on-Jacy's-blog, I hope it helps cheer your heart.  Life is good.  Men are good.  We're ALL going to be okay.  As Scab's loves to say, we already know which side wins. 

Right?

Step 5: Confession

I was pretty nervous.  How often do you sit down with someone and pour your heart out, bare your soul, confess to the ugliest parts of you that you are so ashamed of you've ignored them for years and years? 

Well, I never had before.

And yet I had a sense of anticipation, that this was going to be monumental, that it was a new beginning, and opportunity for change and progress.

I drove in silence, I tried to think of a song that would bring me peace but my mind came up blank.  I drove to a part of a nearby town where you might expect to find addicts living, and pulled into the driveway of my sponsor's duplex.  She met me there, with a giant hug.  I immediately felt loved.  We sat, she brought me a glass of water and offered a prayer. 

On her wall hung one of those wood boards you see at craft fairs, or you might make at a super Saturday activity.  The kind with cheesy vinyl sayings like "All Because Two People Fell In Love", the kind of sayings that on your rough days with your addicted husband make you want to barf.  But instead of of a trite, cliche phrase, in metal plating it read

"Recovery is a family value."

I loved it.  I wanted to take it home with me.  I want to hang it right over a framed list of the 12 steps.  Right in the entry way.

Before she let me start reading she gave me some encouraging words.  I don't remember what the words were, but their general effect was to embue me with confidence.  And it worked.  I started and I plowed through pages of weaknesses and character flaws that haunt me.  A couple times she laughed, and I looked up to see what was so funny, only to realize that she was laughing because she could relate, she had those problems too. 

I finished my list of strengths and weaknesses, mostly emotionless.  We discussed.  Then she pointed out that I had said nothing of my husband, or my relationship with him.  She worried about this.  So I pulled out my pages of resentments toward people.  This one.  I hadn't planned on reading that.  I had felt like I covered most of those issues in the list I compiled about myself. 

But God wanted me to read it.  And I couldn't make it through without the pain of those relationships bringing me to tears.  I wept as I confronted the broken parts of me.  Saying them out loud finally made them real, and it hurt. 

She gave me some comforting thoughts and an assignment of something to read.  We started to wrap things up right as the front door opened and her adult daugther walked in, reeking of cigarette smoke.   She's a recoverying addict herself and offered to leave, but I told her she could stay, we were almost done.  She offered me a hot dog and sat down with a couple for herself.  She made me laugh, and we made addict jokes. 

My sponsor walked me out to my car and reminded me of my worth, in a moment when I was feeling pretty weak.  Another hug, more love.

I drove away at dusk feeling like it wasn't over yet.  I drove to our church, out in the country, and pulled into a spot at the back of the parking lot.  I walked out onto the wet grass, the sprinklers had just been on.  I found a spot by a couple of pine trees and knelt down. 

Then I prayed, Enos style.  I poured my heart out.  I threw eloquence and formal prayer language out the window and I said whatever came into my head.  I apologized for being ungrateful.  I plead for forgiveness for hurtful things I've done to others.  I confessed that I knew I was wasting my talents or neglecting my responsibilities.   I asked for his help.  I asked for forgiveness.  I begged for him to change my heart.   I thanked him for my blessings and for the good people around me.  I acknowledged him and his hand in my life. 

I word vomited to God.

And cried some more.

When I was done it was dark and I looked up at the moon.  I thought of Jesus Christ, and felt so relieved that it didn't matter that I am so imperfect. 

"In taking Step 5 we admit to our Heavenly Father in a very personal way our need for the gift He offers in providing us with a Savior.  This tender exchange not only deepens our emotional and spiritual connection with our Father in Heaven, but also with our Savior, who encircles us in the arms of His love and whispers peace to our souls.  We are reminded by the assurance of the Holy Spirit that we are loved, singularly and personally.  Receiving this assurance of God's love for us does more than any earthly source to fill us with genuine acceptance of ourselves, gratitude for our strengths, and hope in spite of our human frailties."  (Step 5, Healing Through Christ 12-step manual.)

Now, when my human frailties rear their ugly head and I see them for what they are, I find comfort in knowing that I don't HAVE to be that person any more.  I can change. 

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go."  (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

Step 4: Jane's way

I finished my Step 4 written moral inventory. 

BIG. HUGE.  SIGH.

It was painful, but tremendously cathartic.  Most of what I want to write here, today, is just the logistics of my experience, what I did.  Because in the beginning, I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  I didn't know where to start, I felt like the outline in the manual was too ambiguous.  So I reached out to a couple people who had completed theirs and then I just started writing.

First, I wrote a biographical sketch.  I started at birth and included any relationship or event that popped into my mind.  I just wrote, trying not to analyze anything, just to include things that I felt I either had residual negative feelings about, or that I felt demonstrated some kind of meaningful experience.  As I wrote, I did start to notice patterns and themes in my life and my relationships. So in another document, I started making a list of my strengths and weaknesses, and recorded my reoccurring shortcomings there.  

I wasn't satisfied with this, I wasn't sure I was uncovering everything I needed to.  So I turned to this website: (shared with me by Scabs)  http://www.step12.com/step-4.html

In contains four worksheets from the AA 12-step program to assist with the inventory.  I only completed the first one because I felt like it was the one that most applied to me, and because by this time I was three months into this process.  It was very helpful, and it gave me the opportunity to take responsibility for some grievances I have long held against people in my life, particularly people I love most.  (Ironic, perhaps?) 

After finishing that worksheet I had more information about myself to add to my list of strengths and weaknesses.  So for the last few weeks I have just been contemplating the following paragraph from the aforementioned website:

"If you doubt that you have any problems -- just think back to the last time that you felt restless, irritable and discontented. Remember when you got angry - with your self or with another person. Remember the last time you were disturbed. Remember the last time you had a problem or troubles. The last time you felt uncomfortable and not at ease in a situation. What was it? Whom was it with? What happened? "

Eventually it got to the point where the root of my discontent could be traced back to a handful of insecurities, weaknesses or attitudes.  At this point, I felt like I was ready to be finished.

I don't share all this because I think I did it the RIGHT way.  There is no RIGHT way, only the way that is right for you.  I constantly fought the temptation to feel like I needed to be more thorough, write more, think more.  But I realized this process is ongoing, and as I personally plan to have the 12 steps as a part of my life indefinitely, I know I will have more opportunites for self-reflection.  After I had mostly completed my inventory, at group meeting we read Step 4 from the original manual for addicts, and that was also very helpful.  (There is a list of questions on page 22 that I think I will use whenever I find myself "irritable" or "disturbed.")

Just in closing I want to share a quote that helped me stay afloat during periods of despair as I realized my own nothingness.  (I apologize if I've shared it before, it's a personal favorite.)

"We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil's dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self.  We need the first and must shun the second, remembering when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold, but also to beckon." 

"Come on over" my conscience says to me.  "Here you will find that no matter your weakness you are still worthy of the atonement and the love of Jesus Christ."

to the young ladies

Dear Young Girl-

 

I saw your profile picture on Facebook today.  You are 19 years old, you are attractive and your world revolves around boys.  I know you want them to be attracted to you, so you have chosen to wear clothes like this.  Your outfit is just skimpy enough to be provocative, but not over the line, not too immodest for a mormon girl.  You feel "sexy" when you dress this way.  But this is what I foresee for you.

 

You will meet a handsome young man who likes the way you look.  You will marry and a have a few adorable children.  Then you will discover that your husband is addicted to pornography and lust.  This will break your heart, and suddenly you will loathe "sexy."

 

You will realize that you are not "sexy", not like the women your husband feels compelled to look at.  And for that matter, you will no longer desire to be "sexy."  You will desire to be loved by the man you chose, just the way you are, with the body you have now after bearing his children.

 

Protect your virtue.  Respect yourself and demand the boys you date do likewise.  Perhaps then you will attract a young man who does not want "sexy."  Or even if you do, you can be confident that he married you for your true worth and not for your sexual appeal.  Perhaps you will spare yourself this heartache, and you will not look back with regret at the way you advertised yourself as a young woman. 

 

This is my advice to you.

Intimacy

I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.  When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually.  Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering.  But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires. 

I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography.  I know that this is not true.  He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me.  He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage.  In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him.  This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge.  I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.

I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem.  He is the financial provider in our home.  He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs.  He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so.  When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended.  It hurts my self-esteem and self image.

My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse.  I find myself doubting his motives.  Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again? 

Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult.  But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close. 

I have found a great source to help me.  The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson.  She is straightforward and understanding.  You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.