Perspective

I actually took these photos. Isn't that crazy? I was actually in Paris! 

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last Saturday.  It's almost funny.  If you would have asked the 16 year old me, or the 20 year old me, or even the 30 year old me, if I ever imagined myself at an Al-Anon meeting I would have been completely bewildered by the question.

For some reason accepting that my husband is a sex addict happened so gradually that I guess there was never a drastic moment where I was shocked to find myself at a 12 step meeting.  But there aren't really any 12 step meetings in the city where I'm living, besides Al-Anon, so per my therapist's suggestions, Al-Anon it was.  (No, Pete has not taken up drinking as far as I know...)

That meeting drastically changed my trajectory.  It was so amazing. I got weepy from the moment I walked in, from the courage and vulnerability of everyone in that room, the utter, unapologetic honesty and the compassion that made me feel like I was high.  (Ironic, huh?)

The things that were shared, the reminders of ideas and concepts I've learned and then neglected, it felt like home and it was so wonderful.  It really is a sacred space, and for all the joking that goes on in t.v. and film about 12 step meetings, it is a remarkable place, that can only be understood by the those who have lived a rock bottom and then discovered acceptance, validation and liberation.

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A few weeks ago I was in Paris.  As we approached the Eiffel Tower Pete and I remarked about the park landscape.  Why there was grass there, and not here... silly things.  We waited in line and rode the elevator to the top with our children.

The first stop is the first viewing deck. It's high, for sure, and from there I could see the pattern of the landscape in the park.

"Ohhhh! I get it.  It makes sense from up here.  There is a design that can't be fully appreciated from ground level."

Then we took the lift to the upper viewing deck.  From 1,000 feet up everything was even more orderly.  Building complexes, street patterns, city archicture, landscape design,  It all made so much more sense from up there.

***********

Al-Anon was like a ride in the elevator for me.  I could look back on the last few weeks, and even months, with better clarity and perspective.

Oh I see... THAT is why I felt that why... Of course- no wonder this was happening...  There is definitely a pattern there...

And then I can trust; trust in a grand design.  An even Higher Power, with an even broader perspective.  There is so much that doesn't make sense from down here.  But I know, I KNOW there is a better way to live than obsessing about why things aren't the way I would make them if I really could control and manage.

And the view really is beautiful when I get the space I need to see it.  And I feel relief.  And I feel hope.  And I feel loved and adequate and strong again.

As For Me...

Credit

First of all- thank you so much for the outpouring of love and support you sent my way via comments, emails and texts.  There is power in solidarity and I FEEL it.  I love you for it.  Sometimes when I comment on blogs I feel small and insignificant.  But each comment here, EACH one, and every email MEANS something to me.  It makes me feel like I matter, I am loved, and people care.  That never gets old for me.

Finding out about lies, and dealing with a relapse after Pete's longest stretch of sobriety in years was hard.

But peeps- I've been doing this recovery business for a few years now and I think it's actually working! It's hard to put my finger on what exactly feels differently about my life.  Especially since I'm STILL dealing with these issues, as much as I've wished them away.

I took a parenting class a few years ago where the gentle, grandmotherly teacher suggested that perfection wasn't the goal of the class.  It was just decreasing percentages.  Instead of yelling at my kids 90% of the time when I was frustrated, the goal was to only yell 70% of the time.  This is how recovery has helped me.  I still have codependent behaviors, I still trigger back to trauma, I still hold a grudge sometimes and I still get angry.   But my percentages are down.

I am less panicked and desperate when Pete acts out.

I am less irritable and anxious when I see my lack of control.

I spend less time in bed and on the bathroom floor.

I personalize Pete's behavior and resentments less.

I feel more acceptance and patience.

Forgiveness comes more easily.

There are so many analogies about perspective.  But I love the words to "Let it Go" from Frozen.

It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small. 
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all. 

A couple years ago, even months ago, Pete's pornography addiction seemed like a mountain ahead of me. So HUGE, so overwhelming, so consuming, so terrifying, so traumatizing.  But gradually it looks smaller, takes less of my energy and I find myself being more easily distracted from it.

I wouldn't say that my fears can't get to me at all.  But they get to me less.  And I can spend more time in gratitude and less time in despair.

So I'm doing okay.  Better yet, I think I'm doing well, all things considered.  Thank you again- so much!

In The Meantime

Gosh- how often I've mourned the lost time that has been dedicated to recovery.  My so-called recovery has ebbed and flowed, and ebbed to the point of obsession at times.  I'm starting to feel a longing to resume old interests, pursue new ones, and try to use my recovery time more efficiently.  But for anyone who has felt like pornography addiction, or another tragedy, or even just life, has gotten in the way of their dreams, this [cheesy mommy] song is for you.

But today, it is ESPECIALLY for my friend Alicia, because there have been moments when I have been that aching heart that only she could lift. 

Alicia- Heaven hears the joy of every victory in your life, and heaven hears your heart before you cry.  And girl- I KNOW you are being sanctified.




Thank you to all my other friends who have been a friend. And for each of you- don't doubt your place, or your ability to be a gift and blessing in someone else's life. 

Hang in there peeps.  

Yoga

So it's no secret that I've been converted to Yoga.  When I say this to non-addict people they assume I love it for the exercise. It's physically challenging for sure, I underestimated it that way before I tried it.  But I love it because it is kind.  It's emotionally cleansing.  It really is healing. 

A friend of mine told me about this organization.  When I watched the video I thought "Yes! This is us!" We are women who know suffering, and we know the power of community. 

So if you are in the Salt Lake Valley take advantage of this opportunity.  She will be in Provo Friday evening and Saturday in Salt Lake.  You can find more information on the website.  yogaforcongowomen.org

No Ordinary People

I've recently returned from another Camp Scabs.  These retreats blow my mind.

How is it that a woman can get on a plane and fly to a city to spend a weekend with perfect strangers, and yet in those 48 hours share the most intimate details of her life?

Because the brave souls open their hearts first.  And they are met with a response so full of love, compassion and acceptance that the room feels sacred, and possibly the most safe place on earth.

I can not come up with adequate words to express my gratitude for the opportunities I have to meet remarkable women.  But the truth is, I believe we are all remarkable, we are just too inhibited by fear, and misunderstood by false ideas to be noticed. 

I love you all. Share your story. Reach out. Own your truth.  Be brave. 

Resources for All

Credit

When I started writing this blog I knew very little about pornography addiction.

I didn't know that it was so widespread.

I didn't know how other religions viewed pornography.

I didn't know that many people would try to convince me that if I changed my attitude about it, and Pete embraced pornography rather than shunned it, all our problems would be solved.

I didn't even know for sure why I felt the way I did about porngraphy.

So when I started writing, I started with what I did know. I am a member of the LDS church, its teachings influence my life a great deal.  I can't help but write with that underlying foundation.  But my eyes have been opened, and I see that this isn't just a "Mormon problem."

I'm grateful to the women of other faiths who have reached out to me, and lately I've received more emails from non-LDS WoPA than otherwise.  So I just want to post a few resources here to validate ALL women who feel confused about what pornography addiction means.

My friends who have used Recovery Nation give it great praise. I'd like to spend more time in that program myself.

 http://recoverynation.com/

I came across this blog post this morning and thought it was a great Christian approach, with a concise summary of suggestions post D-Day.

Fight the New Drug is a great website, but particularly this infogram.

And lastly, I've mentioned this website.  It is no longer directly affiliated with the LDS church, but it was written by LDS family members of addicts.  The downloadable manual/workbook is the most comprehensive material I've found, but to disclose my bias it is the one I use the most and I am therefore the most familiar with.

Please share if you have found other helpful websites or programs.  My heart is full of love for everyone who has tasted of this bitter cup.  Don't hesitate to reach out.  The friends I've made from this blog are my greatest blessing in this trial. 

Self-Determination

Buy this print here. 

When I was 12 years old I went on a business trip with my dad to San Diego. I remember it well, we stayed in a nice hotel downtown called the Horton Grand. It was charming with white bird cages that had live, brightly colored chirping birds in them. One morning we set out on our way, the weather was beautiful and my dad had planned for us to go to the zoo. But he wouldn't tell me that, he teased and tortured me with suspense about our destination until I couldn't stand it anymore. With a little attitude, and fierce determination I turned around and stomped off down the street. Sure I wouldn't last a block, my dad kept walking, expecting me to rejoin him any minute. But I didn't, and with prepubescent irrational self-confidence, I found my way back to the hotel and patiently watched the birds in the lobby.

Meanwhile my dad flagged down a police officer, feeling horrible for losing his daughter in a large city. Eventually he returned to the hotel and found me there, shocked that I had found my way back so easily, but relieved that I was okay.

Aside from my fickle spite, my dad had only himself to blame. Not for his teasing, which was innocent enough, but for the way he raised me. He raised me to be confident and determined. He taught me I could do what I wanted when I set my mind to it. Throw in a touch of spontaneity and stubbornness and he had created an independent girl, albeit a little feisty.

To this day I still consider myself to be determined and strong-willed. It is only when someone else's feelings are a factor that I hesitate to accomplish whatever task I've set forth for myself. On Thursday when I decided to leave I became set on the idea. It wasn't until I was packing that I thought carefully of how hurt Pete would be to discover his family gone for the weekend. In spite of that, feeling committed to my decision I threw some food in a cooler and we got outta Dodge.

As with most of my goals, it wasn't without it's obstacles. I had to jump through some hoops that were out of my comfort zone in order to make it happen. I had to make some tough phone calls to cancel other plans, drive through a blizzard and put chains on my tires. But it was worth all my efforts and I found satisfaction in my ability to act of my own accord. In fact, once Pete found out we were leaving he did nothing to try to stop me, likely because he knew better.

One of Pete's redeeming qualities is that he has ambition. This was one of the things that drew me to him when we dated. He had a plan, and he worked hard to execute his plan. Like me, once he sets his mind to something he follows through. And more than once it has been his efforts that have helped me to accomplish my own goals.

So I guess this is why I stay. I know that once Pete sets his mind to recovery he will figure it out and conquer. And since he has loyally stood by and given me his best effort to see through my own wild ideas, I feel like I can muster the forgiveness and patience to stand by while he works his way through this, so long as he is willing to do so. With a little attitude and fierce determination I know he can do just that. He will have to jump through some hoops and overcome some obstacles that will likely be outside his comfort zone and test his commitment. But I have confidence he is capable.

So with that, I'll let go of my fears and dig deep for that prepubescent girl who took no thought for worst case scenarios or what-ifs. And that's the best I can do for hope today.   

Filling Our Emptiness

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This time last year I was reeling emotionally even more than I am this year.  This time last year was the end of a year of turmoil and anguish, and the beginning of a year of healing.  I was filled with fear about spending time with my family during such a silently painful time.  I couldn't share anything, and I had to act as if everything was right.   I had just discovered A Blog About Love, and it was a fairly new blog so I reached out to Danny, asking for advice about how to cope.  He wrote some very wise things, I'll share in my later post. 

But last week I went searching for his emails, desperate for something to help me through.  In my search I came across an email from Michelle (Hope and Healing) that was an answer to a prayer.  She said this:

"I've thought a lot about this with the struggles I have with extended family relationships and expectations for what such relationships 'should' look like. As I read through recovery materials, it seems the message is that as soon as we have expectations for others or for life, we set ourselves up for pain. Resentments are a key force in keeping us stuck in unhealthy behaviors and mindsets.

I think it's hard to wrap our heads around, but I think that ultimately, 12 steps are about letting God fill our needs. Fully and completely. Once we don't have to rely on anyone else, then we don't give others power over our lives and our well-being, and we trust ourselves to the care of our God.

I'm reminded of a saying my mom used to say when I was dating: "Love is sharing your fullness, not filling your emptiness." I'm also reminded of the scripture that says "All things must fail" -- except the love of Christ. I think once we realize that we simply will and do fail each other, we can stop expecting others to fill our needs and instead be grateful for whatever goodness comes in a relationship without being dependent on others for our well-being."

It was exactly what I needed.  I have already discovered, in doing a Step 4 inventory and after much reflection, that so much of my unhappiness comes from disappointed expectations about my relationships with my family members. 

We are all imperfect people, and by expecting my family to be in charge of my well-being, I set them up for failure.  How can they know of my expectation? And if they have their own emptiness, how can they be expected to fill mine?

This is not to say that we should surround ourselves with toxic people, people who offer nothing and suck everything out you.  Nor is it to say that our families don't offer us a great deal of love.  It is only to say that my peace and emotional stability need not be dependent on my idea of how my family should act and treat me. 

And because my family aren't toxic people, there is much I CAN be grateful for about my relationships with them.  I know that ultimately I can rely on God for filling my emptiness, but additionally he has given me other people to help fill my emptiness.  When I don't feel love and kindness exuding from my family members, I know I can fall back on the love and kindness I feel at group meeting, or from my online friends that I carry with me constantly.  It sustains me when I feel alone. 

I finally realized that I can best appreciate my family by releasing them from my unreasonable conjectures about how they should be, and just accept them as they are.  Which is the subject of my next post, not because I can do it, but because I've read some great things about it that I want to share.

Happy Thanksgiving

I almost considered not posting this, for fear it would sound forced or obligatory, like some of the daily gratitude posts on Facebook. In fact, I loved this quote

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving."

W.T. Purkiser

I am so grateful for the people I've met in the last year.  Even in the last six months, some remarkable people have entered my life, made me better, helped me cope, and loved me. 

I am so thankful for those people, and I hope you all feel sufficiently used by me for the aforementioned purposes. 

Happy Thanksgiving.  Thank you for your love!

Let People In

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Self-hatred has been lapping at my toes since I finished my step 4.  Fortunately steps 6 & 7 have kept it at bay, and given me hope for change.  I feel change, and it feels good.

But on bad days I feel overwhelmed by my inadequacies.  Or rather, my perceived inadequacies.  I finally acquired a copy of Courage to Change: One Day at a Time.  (You can get a very inexpensive used copy here.)

Here is the message for today, from Alateen:

"If no one knows us as we really are, we run the risk of becoming victims of our own self-hatred.  If we can be loved by somebody who sees us as we are, we can then begin to accept ourselves.  Others rarely think we're as bad as we do."

The people who know me as I really am, all that is wrong in my life, have been such a huge support for me when my confidence wavers and doubt and insecurities creep in. 

I hope you all have at least one person in your life who fulfills that role, and if possible a group of people.  And better yet, I hope that we are all doing our part to BE that person for someone else. 

I'm going on vacation with my family for a week to a place with palm trees. Love you all!

All things are mine, since I am His

I used to love the saying "It'll all be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end."

It was clever and trite.  Just like all cliches ought to be. 

But the more I thought about that on my bad days, the more I hated it.  What exactly is the end? WHEN is the end?  When I die?

So it'll all be okay when I die?  I don't want to wait that long. 

In my most difficult moments, when I am full of despair, sometimes it's so bad that in complete desperation I know that there can only be one refuge.  And it's my belief that someone, who loves me, knows my anguish.  And more.  It's as if no earthly thing can be any consolation to me.  I require something divine.

These moments, interestingly, don't always come in my most religious moments.  Sometimes when church is hard, or the gospel doesn't seem to provide all the answers I want, I am still able to feel the closeness of my Savior. 

"When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord."   Elder David A. Bednar

My latest inspiring melody, gets me every time. 

the Therapist

I never thought I'd ever need a therapist.  I don't even like the name "therapist."  I prefer counselor.  But that's all semantics.

I was more nervous for my appointment than I was for my first group meeting.  But it went well.  She didn't knock my socks off with clarity about my psyche- but she helped me.

She helped me to sort out some issues that I conveniently blamed on my husband's addiction, that in fact are very common in marriages without addiction.  I felt both relief and disappointment.  I felt relieved that I was not alone with my baggage, but disappointed that I lost my cop-out.  So much for thinking things would get better if only HE would get better. 

What I appreciated most, and what I would say to anyone who is considering seeing a counselor, is that she gave me practical tools.  She gave me suggestions, even specific behaviors.  That is what I've been looking for.  General truths and principles of intimacy and relationships are helpful.  But I've been desperate for someone to help me know what to DO.  Counselors are great for this.  And if the tools she suggests don't work? She reassured me that we could try something different next go around. 

She also had skills that allowed her to ask questions that caused me to think.  As I said before- I didn't come away with clarity. But I did come away with some new ideas to ponder.  If this were a critique of counseling I would definitely say YES.

GO.

Embrace It

I've met some remarkable people in this other world of mine.  I guess I use the term "met" loosely as I haven't actually met most of them in person.  But through Mac I came across the Blog About Love where Mara and Danny share their experiences. Danny wrote a post a few weeks ago that spoke to me.  I emailed him my gratitude for his words and explained a little bit about my situation.  He responded with even more helpful insights.  He said to me:

"And remember that you have a better opportunity to learn about God's kind of love now than probably any other time in your life.  Embrace that, and embrace what it is that He WILL teach you if you let him."

I've been thinking about it since he wrote it, but on Sunday it hit me.  I felt the spirit whisper to me "What are you waiting for?"  I have been given some wonderful spiritual impressions and then just left them by the wayside.  I have not turned my broken heart over to the Lord.  All at once I fell to my knees and told my Heavenly Father that I'm ready now to be healed, to learn and to change.  

The next day, Monday, was one of my hardest days yet.  I called and made an appointment with a counselor for the first time.  I wept as I did so.  It was the moment where I intellectually acknowledged that I am emotionally broken.  I have been hurt and I don't have the skills to heal on my own.  There has been damage that is causing me to have unhealthy feelings and I need my Savior and experts on earth to help me.

Addiction Recovery Group Meetings

I attended my first addiction recovery group meeting this week.  The meeting was for loved ones of addicts, and we met in the room next to the group meeting for the addicts.  It was a life-changing experience for me, and I don't use that term lightly.  I feel like I've learned a lot about judgement and criticism through this whole process, but this meeting took me to a new level. 

In this room, with these women there was no pride, and therefore no shame.  There was no comparing, no criticism, no judging.  No one bothered to pretend they were happy if they weren't, or save face or hide their hurt.  It was real women, totally genuine and exposed.  Instead of insecurity, this room was full of compassion, unity, humility, kindness, acceptance, understanding, empathy and most importantly charity; true Christ-like love. 

Every once in awhile during a relief society lesson or a testimony meeting I have tasted of this love.  But during this meeting my eyes were opened to the way God wants us to view each other and my whole heart was truly full of His love.  The wonderful part is that while the feeling was strongest with the women in the room, I have been able to carry a part of it with me and draw upon it when I feel compelled to form opinions about the choices of other people around me. 

There were many other great things about the meeting and the program.  There is much for me to learn and the program offers many tools and lessons to help in recovery.  If you haven't attended a meeting like this, and one is available to you, I highly recommend it.  I was honestly so nervous I was shaking, but that fear departed so quickly and I am anxious to go back.

Have you been? How did you feel?

press forward

We met again with the stake president and it was another great experience.  I really felt the spirit and I could tell that Pete felt humble and willing to do whatever the stake president had decided.  He extended the calling as elder's quorum president to Pete, and he accepted. 

During the nearly two weeks that this process took place I prayed and prayed for humility.  I've realized my attitude about callings has been so misguided in the past.  A calling is no indication of righteousness.  Of course there is worthiness involved, but God has plans for his children that are deeply personal and individual and forming general opinions of people based on the way they serve in the church is unfair and just plain off-base.  Pete and I were both so taken back by this turn of events, but at the same time there were conversations, events and feelings that made us both realize God is aware of us. 

With the encouragement of the stake president, my husband agreed to attend the 12-Step group meetings.  A group for the spouse meets at the same time and I plan to attend that as well.  We are both apprehensive, but hopeful.  The last few days since our meeting with the stake president I have felt like perhaps this is a turning point for us. 

While it is tempting to think that this is the end of Pete's struggle, I resist the urge to do so.  I feel more like it is another beginning.  The road ahead is still long, but I am praying for fewer obstacles and bumps than the road behind that we have travelled to get here.

Seeking support

Pete struggled for two or three years with just me and the Bishop aware of his problem, and it was getting worse.  After a frustrating couple of weeks with repeated episodes, we hadn't been speaking much to each other for a few days.  When we finally sat down to talk about it I told him that I felt it was time for him to talk to his dad, who is also a bishop.  He said he had been having that same thought.  It was a testament to me that even when we aren't behaving the way we should (Pete was giving in to temptation and I was angry) the Lord blesses us with promptings from the Holy Ghost to help us, because he loves us. 

My husband did discuss it with his dad.  It was painful and terrifying but his father was completely understanding and compassionate.  Since that time he has made tremendous progress.  I also have felt as if I'm not bearing this burden alone.  Before, I felt tremendous pressure to be constantly supportive to Pete.  Now I know that when I am feeling weak, he can turn to his dad for additional encouragement and support.  His dad has given him blessings and calls him to check-in on a regular basis.  He asks him direct questions and makes him accountable, all the while being loving and kind. 

I am so grateful for my father-in-law's help.  I hope that every couple can find other friends or family members to help them along the way.  I am also grateful that Pete and I were able to listen to the promptings we felt and act on them even though we were both afraid to do so.