Living in Recovery

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I'm not really sure of what draws me to this writing space and why, but I've been drawn here again lately and so I've come.

I've been thinking about what my life looks like these days, as it relates to the way I cope with Pete's addiction, and I've realized that "recovery" has become a way of life for me.  But it's so much bigger than Pete's addiction.

In the course of my life I accumulated a set of habits, behaviors, false beliefs and fears that stood as obstacles to living a life of contentment, happiness, gratitude and safety.  All these things were exacerbated by Pete's addiction, my trauma and my pain.  These "things" include my ideas about how other people's behavior effects me, my fears and shame about my marriage, my frustrations with other family relationships, my suffering self-esteem, my beliefs about feelings and boundaries- all combined with the behaviors I adopted to try to feel some sense of control and to protect myself from any kind of vulnerability.

Eventually, at the peak of Pete's addiction and my dysfunction it became too much to bear.  It's always been easy to blame Pete's addiction, and certainly the betrayal and hurt contributed to my despair, but these "things" have always been there, lurking under the surface, and the crisis of the addiction just opened the closet door for them to all come pouring out.

My life now consists of doing what I can to help me cope with these behaviors, beliefs and fears. This of course includes coping with Pete's ongoing addiction-related problems, but it's also so much broader.  So what does it look like for me?

It is having a therapist that I trust, that I can be honest with, that holds me accountable and that is gentle and compassionate with me.  It is participating in Al-Anon, because the 12 steps work for me. It is deliberately and consciously staying self-aware, despite how uncomfortable awareness can be at times.  It is self-care and boundaries and acceptance.  It is work.  Really.

The last 18 months have had some seriously intense moments where I've fallen off the wagon so to speak, and allowed myself to pretend and deny that I have any need for "recovery."  I'm just such a work in progress, never really feeling like I master anything, and even my therapist teases me that "we've talked about this before Jane..."  But that's just the reality of me, my life, and my "things."  And today, I'm mostly okay with it.

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I've been writing on this blog for a few years now and I have no idea if the any of the same people from the beginning still read it.  Are you still dealing with your husband's addiction? Have you "moved on"? Do you find that you have "things" that stand in your way of peace and self-confidence? What has recovery evolved into for you?

Perspective

I actually took these photos. Isn't that crazy? I was actually in Paris! 

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last Saturday.  It's almost funny.  If you would have asked the 16 year old me, or the 20 year old me, or even the 30 year old me, if I ever imagined myself at an Al-Anon meeting I would have been completely bewildered by the question.

For some reason accepting that my husband is a sex addict happened so gradually that I guess there was never a drastic moment where I was shocked to find myself at a 12 step meeting.  But there aren't really any 12 step meetings in the city where I'm living, besides Al-Anon, so per my therapist's suggestions, Al-Anon it was.  (No, Pete has not taken up drinking as far as I know...)

That meeting drastically changed my trajectory.  It was so amazing. I got weepy from the moment I walked in, from the courage and vulnerability of everyone in that room, the utter, unapologetic honesty and the compassion that made me feel like I was high.  (Ironic, huh?)

The things that were shared, the reminders of ideas and concepts I've learned and then neglected, it felt like home and it was so wonderful.  It really is a sacred space, and for all the joking that goes on in t.v. and film about 12 step meetings, it is a remarkable place, that can only be understood by the those who have lived a rock bottom and then discovered acceptance, validation and liberation.

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A few weeks ago I was in Paris.  As we approached the Eiffel Tower Pete and I remarked about the park landscape.  Why there was grass there, and not here... silly things.  We waited in line and rode the elevator to the top with our children.

The first stop is the first viewing deck. It's high, for sure, and from there I could see the pattern of the landscape in the park.

"Ohhhh! I get it.  It makes sense from up here.  There is a design that can't be fully appreciated from ground level."

Then we took the lift to the upper viewing deck.  From 1,000 feet up everything was even more orderly.  Building complexes, street patterns, city archicture, landscape design,  It all made so much more sense from up there.

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Al-Anon was like a ride in the elevator for me.  I could look back on the last few weeks, and even months, with better clarity and perspective.

Oh I see... THAT is why I felt that why... Of course- no wonder this was happening...  There is definitely a pattern there...

And then I can trust; trust in a grand design.  An even Higher Power, with an even broader perspective.  There is so much that doesn't make sense from down here.  But I know, I KNOW there is a better way to live than obsessing about why things aren't the way I would make them if I really could control and manage.

And the view really is beautiful when I get the space I need to see it.  And I feel relief.  And I feel hope.  And I feel loved and adequate and strong again.

Making Amends to Pete

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My sponsor suggested that I begin making amends with Pete.  Because, ironically, I told her that he was the person I felt safest with. (Or at least he was the person on my list who I was the least nervous about approaching.)

A few things my sponsor suggested about making amends-

-                              It’s not a time to justify or explain your behavior.  It’s not about whether what you did was right or                                 wrong, it’s just an acknowledgement that what you did caused pain.

-                              Don’t go into graphic details, don’t make it lengthy or elaborate. Keep it simple.

-                              Don’t make excuses or assign blame.

I want to be perfectly clear that I’m not sharing this because I think this is the right thing for everyone to do.  As I told a friend recently, the place to do this from is a small place.  It’s a place where I am totally confident that I am in no way responsible for Pete’s addiction.  None of the things I did to him, or none of the ways I mistreated him were the cause of his addiction.  (Despite what he may think…)

And sharing this with him wasn’t something I did to get leverage, or to change him, or to make myself submissive to him or better than him. I did this to clear my own conscience, to take personal responsibility, and to be accountable for bad habits or unkindness. 

Nevertheless, I had a lot of fear about sharing this with Pete.  I worried that he would hear this laundry list of my indiscretions toward him and he would use it to validate his resentments.  I also had a fear that he would see me as less or unworthy. 

But ultimately, because he has a least some understanding of recovery, empathy and compassion, this was a truly healing experience for us. He listened with patience and responded with gentleness.    

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I’m sorry for the times I shamed and persecuted you.  I know I have said things that were deliberately hurtful in an effort to control and change you.  I understand now that shaming and persecuting were harmful to our relationship and probably very painful for you.

I’m sorry for monitoring you, nagging you, trying to find subtle ways to check up on you or make you feel guilty when you didn’t do something I thought you should have.

I’m sorry for manipulating you.  I have flung my pain at you in another effort to control and change you. 

I’m sorry for hurtful things I did in an effort to punish you. I’ve withheld love, I’ve been cold and even unkind and I’ve avoided forgiveness because I felt responsible for making you suffer as a consequence.

I’m sorry for letting your addiction be an excuse and justification for anger, irritability and unkindness. 

I’m sorry for all the hurtful things I said, or ways I looked at you, or condemned you. 

I’m sorry for the times when sharing my experience with others has made you feel humiliated or unsafe. 

I’m sorry for any other things I’ve done to try to control or change your behavior including projecting my fears and desperation onto you, making threats and demands, playing the role of victim to demonstrate how wounded I was by you. 

I’m sorry for saying unkind things about your mom, and for deliberately nurturing your own resentments toward her in an effort to feed my pride and validate my own resentments.  I’m sorry for doing this with other family relationships. 

I’m sorry for ignoring your birthday last year and denying the kids any opportunity to celebrate it with you. 

I’m sorry for compulsive or impulsive decisions I made that were either confusing or painful for you. 

I’m sorry for the pressure I placed on you and responsibility I have given you for my peace and happiness. 

I’m sorry for using shame and frustration to make you feel fearful of me.  I’m sorry for treating you in a way that made you feel guilty about spending money.

I’m sorry for times when I’ve undermined your parenting by intervening for the kids when you were trying to discipline.

I’m sorry for making my own family a greater priority than your family, and for engaging in conflicts about holidays and family time. 

I’m sorry for being deliberately difficult to communicate with at times and from having unreasonable expectations. 

I’m sorry for the things I did before we were married, parts of my past that have caused you pain.

I’m sorry that my epic detachment was the source of so much despair and anguish for you.

I’m sorry for the occasional cutting remarks, sarcastic comments, or unfair “jokes” I make about your addiction that belittle you or discredit your efforts.

I’m sorry for the time I’ve spent in self-righteous indignation and the blame I’ve repeatedly thrust on you for difficulties in our marriage. 

I’m sorry for situations where I have chosen to spend my time or direct my attention to something less important when you were wanting it. 

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve made jokes about you in front of friends or family members that were critical or embarrassing. 

I’m sorry for making assumptions about you that were unfounded or unfair.

I’m sorry for waiting for you to fail just so I could be right.

Making Amends SUUUUUUCKS

I don't know if there is anyone else out there working the 12 steps- if you are- speak up! I'm sinking! I remember slipping into a bad funk when I did Step 4 and it's happening again.  I wish the past really was in the past...

So making amends doesn't really suck. It just sucks if you are a validation junkie like me. I thought (although at the time I would have denied this) if I wrote letters and emails and made phone calls to friends and family members it would be well received.  My sponsor suggested that it might not always go well, and I thought (LYING TO MYSELF)

"Even if it doesn't go well, I'll feel peace. Because I'm taking the high road. I'm the better person."

Barf.

It definitely required courage- but the kicker is, I was sure I would get a great reward.  I sent out four letters about two weeks ago and got zero response.  (And I'm friends with these women on Facebook. Easy enough right?)

I poured my heart into these letters and I was fully expecting something like this

"Jane! Oh my gosh, your letter came today and made my day. It was so sweet.  It was so brave of you to reach out and share those vulnerable feelings.  But girl- don't worry! I've never thought twice about that. You were always a great friend.  Thank you so much for being so thoughtful.  Love, Friend."

Not only was my letter not important or meaningful enough to them (speculation, hypothesis contrary to fact) but it's quite possible they were annoyed by it, or they hate me.

Fortunately, as soon as feelings of hurt and resentment started to surface I recognized them and realized that I had ridiculous expectations. And I was making this about me.  This isn't a self-esteem building exercise from the outside.  It's an inside job.  It's a clear conscience, which is the most loyal friend of all.

It's time to approach Step 8 the right way, instead of turning it into a contrived way of getting recognition.

"There is a quiet, honest place that this Step takes us to, a place of dropping defenses and pride, a place where we shed victimization. We become willing to clean our slate, in peace and honesty." 
(Melody Beattie)

Step 7 - Humility

Humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. 

We've been reading the chronicles of Narnia with our kids for the last couple years and recently finished The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  There is a scene in that book that just pierced me.  The symbolism is powerful and I really couldn't think of a better way to explain Step 7.  So I'm just going to share the passage here.  [It will be a condensed version but it will still be long.]

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For background- Eustace is the boy cousin of Edmund and Lucy Pevensie. He is obnoxious, selfish and arrogant.  He ends up being transported to Narnia with his cousins and they find themselves on board a ship.  The ship makes landfall on an enchanted island, where Eustace drinks from a pond and is transformed into a dragon.  As a dragon, he is miserable and lonely, and his heart is softened and changed.  He describes to Edmund being transformed back into a boy.

"I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected; a huge lion.  I shut my eyes tight.  But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it." 

"You mean it spoke?"

"I don't know. I don't think it did. But it told me all the same. And so I followed it.  And it led me a long way into the mountains where there was a garden and a well.  The water was clear and I thought I could bathe in it.  But the lion told me I must undress first. I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over.  I scratched deeper and my whole skin started peeling off beautifully.  I stepped out of it and I could see it there lying beside me, looking rather nasty.  It was a most lovely feeling.  

But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they are all hard and rough and wrinkled and skaly just as they had before.  So I scratched and tore again and this peeled off beautifully and out I stepped.  

Well exactly the same thing happened again. So I scratched away for the third time. But I knew it had been no good.  Then the lion said 

'You will have to let me undress you.' 

I was afraid of his claws, but I was desperate so I just lay flat down on my back and let him do it.  The very first tear was so deep I though it had gone right to my heart.  And when he began pulling the skin off it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt.  The only thing that made me able to bear it was the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off.  

Well he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I had done.  And there I was, smooth and soft.  Then he caught hold of me and threw me into the water.  It smarted like anything but only for a moment.  After that it became perfectly delicious.  And then I saw that I'd turned into a boy again. 

What do you think it was?" 

"I think you've seen Aslan," said Edmund.  

"Aslan! I've heard that name mentioned several times.  I hated it.  But I was hating everything then.  And by the way, I'd like to apologize. I'm afraid I've been pretty beastly.  

But who is Aslan? Do you know him? 

"He is the great lion, the son of the Emperor. He saved me."

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Change can be excruciating.  There is a quote from Step 7 that I love.

"We begin to notice that behavior.  We bump into it, over and over again. We begin to feel the pain from that behavior, the helplessness, the hopelessness, our own inability to change.  And we wonder how things will or can ever be any different."

I think that's what Eustace went through as the dragon. Finally he realized how horrible he had been, and yet now he was totally helpless to do anything about it.  I think for many addicts when they hit rock bottom and realize their powerlessness, they feel like Eustace.  It is totally obvious that they can't change on their own.

But for me, I hadn't been totally horrible, it wasn't so obvious that I even NEEDED to change.  But Steps 4-6 filled me with awareness of my own behaviors that were making me miserable and sabotaging my relationships.  And with a little humility I realized that I wanted to change.  Becoming refined and feeling redemption is precipitated by pain and suffering, the only way is through. But ultimately I'm looking for some joy and "delicious" relief.

Step 6 - Change of Heart

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"This is not a do-it-ourselves program.  We are not abdicating self-responsibility, but we are learning to trust God, trust the process, and trust ourselves.  When it is time to change, we will become changed.  We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that.  For now, our part is becoming ready to let go." 

- Melody Beattie

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My dad majored in English in college.  He was a high ranking officer in the grammar police force.  As kids he would pay us a quarter if we used an impressive vocabulary word in appropriate context.  In junior high and high school I would take my essays to him for proof-reading.  He would pull out his red pen and go to town, making all kinds of marks and corrections and questions.  I would walk away and look at my paper, all messy and chaotic and feel so discouraged.  I wrote like a 14 year old, and not a bad one, but I felt like he expected college level academics from me.  I would make the corrections and take it back to him and he would mark it up again.  He didn’t mean to, but he was creating a perfectionist.  A belief gradually settled into my soul, that I could always do better.  I don’t mean a belief in the moral sense of the word, but rather an idea that takes hold in us.  Not all beliefs are noble, in fact many are lies.  Eventually I quit asking my dad to proof-read my papers. 

In the meantime I came to view God like my dad.  Each time I came to him, I was always met with the response “You can do better.  You can always do better.” When I went to church I would come home feeling like that messy, marked-up essay.  Work on this, develop that more, improve here, work harder there.  This left me feeling discouraged in my heart, but motivated in my head.  I WILL improve. I WILL work harder. DO more. 

So I always resented it when people told me I was doing my best.  That’s a lie, I would think. I can always do better.  Which is true, right? I COULD be a little more patient with my kids.  I SHOULD spend less time on social media.  I OUGHT to be more kind and compassionate.  It was all on me.  DO more.  So I would.  If criticism was my vice, I gave it up for lent.  Anything that kept me from reaching my potential became a self-improvement project.

When I began step 6 someone in my group suggested this talk/article.  From the minute I heard the following question I knew I was going to learn something life changing. 

“I know that I have to do my part and then Jesus makes up the difference and fills the gap that stands between my part and perfection. But who fills the gap that stands between where I am now and my part?”

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Step 6 is all about grace.  But perfectionists don’t buy into grace.  I will fix it. I will fix ME.  I will DO whatever it takes until I am polished and perfect.   

But the truth, the REAL belief, is that I AM a rough draft.  And I am still enough. 

My weaknesses are many and my Step 4/5 brought a painful awareness of my shortcomings.  But it was time to back off the DOING.  It was a new heart I wanted, not just a set of new behaviors.  

"When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed.  The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature." 

- Thomas S. Monson

Keep Calm and 12-STEP On

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POST EDIT: I am currently not reading other WoPA blogs for reasons I'll have to explain later.  But it came to my attention that the 12 steps have been a theme of late in the WoPA blog world.  I just want to be absolutely clear that this post was written with COMPLETE unawareness of this theme.  It is just what happened (seemingly randomly) in my life lately.  Anyway- just another disclaimer. 

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My old sponsor that I shared my Step 4 with a long time ago texted me a couple weeks ago and asked if we could get together.  I didn’t think much of it, and invited her over.  I hadn’t seen in her in months, my group meeting attendance has waned big time and it seems like the times I go she isn’t there either.  So she came, and we talked for three hours. It was really nice, she lives and breathes recovery and vulnerability. She is honest and wise.  She asked me about how my recovery work was going and I said that I felt like I’d made good progress but I’d stalled out at Step 8/9 and never “finished” the 12 steps.  She encouraged me to get back to it and talked me through some fears and excuses. 

I still didn’t really think a lot of it. But the next morning I was dealing with some hard feelings related to something else, and all of the sudden all my recovery awareness and steps came flooding back to me.  And it felt both familiar and peaceful, and a little nagging at the same time.  The 12 steps have done so much for me, and I’ve let them slip out of my life.  Self-awareness is really hard and painful, but it is also the absolute key to my inner peace and self-confidence.  Self-awareness is like a window into grace and the doorway to a clear conscience.  Taking responsibility for the way I contribute to any misery and frustration in my life is the best way for me to get out from under said frustration.  Own my stuff, surrender the rest.  Relinquish my efforts to control outcomes and perceptions, let go of pride and love people. 

I had a good talk with my therapist about the ways I try to control things in my life and he gave me some good insights.  Sometimes it’s easier to forget my codependency, to live in everyone else’s behaviors and victimize or criticize.  But it’s the way I used to live and I don’t want to be that person anymore. 

It’s always been easy for me to be complacent when Pete is doing well.  But I feel like I've made progress surrendering him to God.  But there are dozens of other relationships in my life that would benefit from the kind of acceptance and recovery that I’ve worked so hard to apply to my marriage.  

Here I go again.  

Progress Not Perfection And those Damn Meetings!

The Sobriety Chip

Pete just finished his second 90 in 90.  That makes 180 meetings in 180 days.  During round one he had trouble maintaining sobriety.  He was dealing with my emotional withdrawal, he hadn’t found a good therapist, and he was probably overwhelmed by the SA program.  He did a lot of phone meetings, and I could tell that many times he was just going through the motions.  When he started seeing his new therapist (sex addiction specialist) they put together a recovery plan, which included the second 90 in 90.   I had mixed feelings, our emotional distance made it so that I wasn’t exactly missing his company while he was at meetings, and I felt strong and independent taking care of everything on my own.  (Can you say martyr?)  But that was getting old.  He was stretched to his limits with his work and church responsibilities and a meeting every day which left me a little worn out with parenting.

But the second round was different.  He had good relationships with his SA friends. He loved the meetings. I don’t think he ever did a phone meeting, they were all actual butt-in-seat meetings. Sometimes he would miss one, so he would do two in one day, or do a fellowship.  (Or in the case of the SA retreat, like 6-8 meetings a day for two days.) 

The weekend of Thanksgiving he went four days without a meeting.  On Sunday night we were talking about it and he said

“I can’t do that. I can’t go four days without a meeting yet.” 

“But you didn’t act out, did you?” I asked.

“Yeah, but that’s not the point.”

I wish he could write this post and explain it better than I can.  But it was a big moment for me.  A trust building moment.  Something to the effect of this.  (These are MY words to his message.)

“Acting out starts long before I open the browser or pull my pants down.  It starts when I get mad at the guy who cut me off on my way to work.  It starts when I’m stressed out and I mistreat a coworker.  It starts when I snap at the kids.  It starts when I lay in bed in the mornings long after I should.  It starts when I’m bored, hurt or restless.  I need meetings to keep me accountable for all those things.  I need to own them and surrender them.  I need to ‘get current’ with my guys.  I need to be honest and I need to reach out. “

Now that Pete’s 90 in 90 is over he’s had to make a long-term plan for meetings.  I have moments where I resent recovery meetings.  They are so much time.  This isn’t the life I planned at all.  Combined with meetings, appointments with his therapist and time spent reading recovery materials; sometimes this feels like a part-time job.  That he’s not getting paid for.  That if he had done the right thing in the first place he would never need to have. 

But the reward is that I’m living with a guy who rarely gets mad at the guy who cuts him off on the road.  Or who tries really hard not to snap at the kids, and apologizes when he does.  A guy who is learning not to take responsibility for my bad days, but offer me compassion. 

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I was reading back over my blog and realized that it’s been three years since Pete and I used the word addiction.  First he got a therapist.  Then he reached out to his dad.  Two years ago he started attending 12-step meetings.  Then he quit going to his therapist.  And he quit going to his meetings.  In January of 2013 I packed the kids and left town in the middle of a snow storm because I’d had it.  I thought that would be rock bottom but it got worse.  2013 has been the unluckiest of years.  I’ll never forget it, and I’ll probably hate it for a long time.  I’m so ready to be done with it.  But it has been a year of change, and I feel so much new hope going into 2014.  Sex addiction sucks.  It feels so consuming and devastating and hopeless.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse it would.  And just when I think I’m doing better I melt down again.

But I don't need to let tomorrow's despair ruin today's happiness. And I don't have to let today's despair destroy my hope for tomorrow's happiness.

Happy Thanksgiving

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My family has a tradition on Thanksgiving where everyone writes down a few things they are grateful for and puts them in a glass pumpkin.  After the feast, we pass the pumpkin around and take turns reading them, and then guessing who wrote them.

This year as a joke Pete and I started listing the things we were grateful for that wouldn't be appropriate for the glass pumpkin.  I'll give you the pleasure of guessing which of us said them.

- I'm grateful for the long lasting friendships I've made with sex addicts this year.

- I'm grateful for good therapy.

- I'm grateful that I went to over 200 12-step meetings this year.

- I'm grateful that two of my dearest friends saw their excommunicated husbands rebaptized.

- I'm grateful my husband found people to share his intimate feelings with, when I was incapable of hearing them.

- I'm grateful I can say masturbate without throwing up in my mouth.

- I'm grateful for 83 days of sobriety.

- I'm grateful for spending weekends with strangers and burning lingerie.

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I know the holidays can be really difficult so I'm shooting rays of love-beams out my virtual fingertips for you.  Breaking routine is often a big trigger for Pete, which means a history of relapses around the holidays.  And of course family...

I hope your Thanksgiving brings you some level of gratitude and joy.

-Jane-

Ain't nothin' gonna break-a-my-stride!

I think I had a mini-anxiety attack last night.  My heart felt like it was racing and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I got in a hot bath but the heat just made me feel like I was suffocating.  So I wrapped my towel around me and stood in a discreet place just outside my garage in the black night. It was so cold but I watched my warm breath float up into the dark sky while steam came off my bare feet.

I had a much needed (obviously!) therapy appointment scheduled for today and I couldn't find anyone to watch my kids.  Ordinarily I could cope with a little obstacle like that...

Lasting motivation just won't stick around for me. I do well for a few days, and then I have a sad moment, which turns into a sad day, which turns into a sad week. And before I know it my life has become unmanageable again.  (Um, Step 1 please?) And by unmanageable I am referring to the fact that I have gained 12 pounds in six months, and may or may not have mold growing in more than one place in my kitchen.

So while I am not sure what I need to help me find sustainable progress, a good song always helps.

Here is my new theme song.  If this throwback doesn't make you LOL, you might be worse off than EVEN ME! And I apologize if the green polka-dot/sequin leotards trigger you.  I found them ridiculously comical.

Let's get real

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Recovery nurtures honesty.  I'm not talking about honesty in terms of accurately reporting facts, although recovery nurtures that too.  I'm talking about honesty with my intentions and my desires. If I'm being honest with myself I need to admit that my last post was just a more subtle way of getting validation. 

Regardless, I appreciate so much your words of support and compassion.  I feel strong again, and I feel like we can all do hard things, especially if they are things that will make the road more clear for those coming behind us.

So here is part one of my remarks (too long for one post) to the leadership of my stake. My stake president wanted me to share how recovery has helped me, particularly the 12-step program.  I tried to do this while also shedding some light on how Pete's addiction affected me.

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In Finding Nemo and Wreck It Ralph, Pete and I laugh longer than most during the 12-step support group scenes.  It’s our world, we get the jokes, and our laughter is a sign of how far we have come.

It was nearly two years ago when President ----------  encouraged us to attend the church’s support group meetings.  With knots in our stomach and sweaty palms we walked through the doors of our first meeting. 

I don’t recall now what I expected to find at those meetings.  Maybe angry, embittered wives, or maybe other women like me, self-righteous and determined to fix their husbands.  But what I actually found were compassionate, charitable and humble women, seeking the Savior.  The meetings are safe, I made immediate friends and felt the reassurance I was not alone.  I found validation and encouragement and hope. 

Each time Pete confessed to me, and having the realization that we were dealing with addiction was traumatic and devastating.  My self-esteem was hurt, I felt inadequate.  I felt betrayed by his behavior and confused about who he was and the reality of our lives.  I was incredibly lonely, afraid to share our secret and seek support.  I felt stupid for being blind to signs of his behavior.  I lived in fear and anxiety about the future, and I took responsibility for his addiction and began making rules for him and trying to manage his choices.

I want to share how the 12-step program helped me to cope with Pete’s addiction, and how it helped me as an individual to understand the atonement and faith. 

Step 1: says that I “Come to understand that I am powerless over the addiction of my loved one.”

Coping with Pete's addiction in a healthy way began with me learning about codependency.

The best definition of codependency I’ve read is simply my happiness and peace being dependent on Pete’s behavior.  His addiction sent me into a tailspin of insanity and intense emotions.  Although I was reluctant in the beginning to accept a “label”, I soon realized how harmful codependency was.

In addition to feeling like my emotions were unmanageable, my codependency manifested itself in unhealthy behaviors like persecuting, shaming, nagging, etc.  I sobbed and begged Pete to change.  I guilted him and shamed him.  I gave him the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. I withheld my love.  It is not in my nature to get angry, but I’ve had very angry moments. 

I did these things because I didn’t know better.  Finding my own recovery, using the 12 steps, attending a support group and having a counselor have helped me learn a new way to deal with my intense feelings and a better way to treat Pete without enabling him.   

In steps 2 & 3 I come to believe that the power of God can restore me to spiritual and emotional health, and then decide to turn my will and my life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and his Son, Jesus Christ.

I've realized that faith isn’t just believing in God, it is believing that God will care for me and facilitate my happiness no matter what happens in my marriage or what the circumstances are in my life.  Faith isn’t believing that God would remove my trials, but give me an endowment of spiritual strength to get through them. 

I was used to living in fear. Fear about the next relapse, fear of people finding out, fear of infidelity, fear of divorce. I learned that I could surrender my fears about the outcome of Pete’s addiction to God.  We like to say “Breathe out fear, breathe in faith.”

A few months ago Bishop ---------- gave a lesson in a combined priesthood/relief society about how the atonement applies to the victim.  I’ve certainly had need for the atonement as a sinner, but until this experience I didn’t understand how the atonement applied to the anguish I felt as the victim of someone else’s sins.  The 12 steps are truly a step-by-step course with practical application about accepting the Savior’s gift of the atonement to relieve me of my pain and despair.  It isn’t my job to punish Pete, nor is it my job to save him.  What IS my job is to let go of my disappointment, hurt and grief in exchange for forgiveness and peace. 

An Early Christmas Gift

Hey WOPA friends! Great news!

A new website, with a downloadable version of our awesome new 12-step manual for loved ones of addicts.

Yes!

http://www.healingthroughchrist.org/index.php

I haven't had much time to look over the website or to see how different the new manual is from the pilot ones we've had in the past, but I couldn't bear to keep this secret a second longer.  (You're welcome.)

Let me know what you think!

Please. 

** POST EDIT: There is some question about the source of this manual, but as far as I'm concerned USE IT. It's awesome. 

But I'm NOT the one wth the problem...

Credit

I appreciate your comments so much. I am the worst about getting stuck in my tunnel of experience and opinion and hearing feedback helps me break out of that and try looking at things from a different paradigm. Which is not easy for me, but I'll get to that in a minute.

 

I want to respond to the heartfelt message of Anonymous when she wrote this:

"I just can't get my head wrapped around step 4-8 for the spouses of the addicted. I get step 1-3 but I feel slapped in the face when I get to step 4. I look at my recovery through the eyes of someone who has lost a limb. I feel I am working through the grieving process. I feel that my very human feelings and behaviors should not be couched in language to make me feel I have sinned and need to make amends. I guess I don't like the inference that step 4-8 makes that I have done something wrong and need to repent."

First of all- I'm so sorry for your experience. And I am inspired by the dignified and mature way that you talk about it now. You are amazing.

I think I've mentioned this before but I distinctly remember thinking, at my first family support group meeting when everyone was calling themselves "codependents"

"Don't you DARE stick a label on me. I am NOT the one with the problem."

It's true, I wasn't the one with a socially unacceptable, sprititually devastating, marriage destroying pornography or sex addiction. But what the 4th step did for me, was help me realize other behaviors in my life [most were totally unrelated to Pete's addiction] that were keeping me from having more fulfilling relationships and happiness in general.

In the Healing Through Christ Manual it says:

"Step Four provides the opportunity for each of us to write a complete honest inventory of ourselves—our weaknesses and our strengths, our virtues and our struggles. As we begin using a Step Four inventory to look within ourselves, we lay a foundation of self-understanding that will bring change and healing into our lives. Brigham Young taught: 'The greatest lesson you can learn is to know yourselves.' This inventory becoms crucial in helping us deal with our own struggles and hurts and in facing our current circumstances with courage and faith."

My Step Four didn't include any confessions of past sins, and the extent of my repentence was a prayer between me and God that I talked about here. What Steps 4-8 have done,and continue to do for me are make me aware of my frustrating foibles and give me opportunity to request the help of the Savior in overcoming them.

Just as an example, looking back over my life helped me see patterns, one in particular was the way that I was raised and surrounded by people that I call "elitists." I love my family, but they speak very condescendingly of people who have different (therefore wrong) opinions from their own. Here is a paragraph directly from my inventory. [Be gentle with me, this is difficult to share.]

I get agitated when someone disagrees with me. It makes me irritable, frustrated, lonely and grumpy.I am stubborn, and the more I am pushed in one direction the more I resist the pressure. When someone disagrees with me, rather than considering their perspective I dig deeper in my own opinion and exert great energy into proving them wrong or trying to persuade them. I take it personally when someone disagrees with me, attaching my opinions to my worth and when someone questions my opinion my worth is threatened.

The fact that I'm writing this post is evidence of this very weakness! But what steps 4-8 do for me is make me aware of the weakness, and then with the Saviors grace, find strength to be different.

Having said ALL that, I want to end on a final thought. I really hope you're still reading.

In my opinion Steps 4-8 ARE the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Anonymous, your comment

"I feel that my time to do moral inventory happens in those quiet moments during the sacrament every sunday, in my personal prayer and scripture reading. "

is the heart of the matter. I think it's perfectly appropriate for that to be the way you approach your own weaknesses and your relationships with God. It's the way most people do it, spiritually mature people who understand the atonement. But for whatever reason, I needed the framework of the 12 step program to help me understand those things. To guide me through my journey of self-reflection and to make me accountable to someone to actually write it out. 

And although I haven't yet written about steps 6 and 7, I will soon, because I study them often as I struggle to let go of my bad habits and shortcomings. It as been suprisingly difficult to be willing to let them go.

Rock Bottom

Credit

What IS rock bottom?  For me, a year ago,  it looked like this:

"I can't be this way anymore.  I'm desperate.  I acknowledge his problem.  I want to change.  I'm ready for a new, better way to live."

I remember clearly my rock bottom with Pete's addiction.  It was too heavy, I couldn't carry it anymore.  I didn't want to be pathetic and miserable.  I didn't want to be bitter and suspicious. I didn't want to be afraid of the future.  I didn't want to be full of hate and I didn't want to be depressed. 

I wasn't functioning as a proactive, positive mother. I withdrew.  I preferred isolation because social situations, particularly with family, were too difficult,  they required too much pretense and insincerity.   I was embarrassed.  I was lonely.  I was hypersensitive and felt like a victim. 

But I was ready for help.  I was a sponge.  I read and studied.  I prayed.  I reached out.  I found friends online and I started the blog. I discovered 12-step meetings and amazing women at support groups.  I cried at every meeting, but it felt wonderful.   I was cleaning up the crap.  From rock bottom, I could only go up.   I had hope. 

Now, I feel like I'm able to cope with Pete's addiction in more healthy ways.  There is much less of the fear, embarrassment, isolation, self-pity and bitterness associated with his problem. 

But after doing the Step 4 Inventory I'm no longer living in ignorant bliss of my own addictions.  Or compulsive behaviors if you prefer that term.  I prefer that term because my compulsive behaviors are much more socially acceptable than pornography addiction, and I like to make that distinction.

I digress...

Last week a friend of mine suffered a terrible tragedy.  In the midst of her crisis I found myself relapsing into a raging codependent.  

"I'm gonna fix it! I'm gonna fix her!" 

I called, visited, texted, arranged meals, babysat kids, sent flowers.  I did everything I could think of to manage the pain.  I took ownership of her trial.  And to make it worse- I wanted credit for it all.  I was constantly looking over my shoulder to see who was taking note of my good deeds.  I made her experience all about me, and put my happiness on the line.   Would I come through? Would she shower me with love and appreciation and tell me how everything I'd done had been just what she needed to get her through?

For once my actions were good, but my intentions were selfish. And in the light of my new-found knowledge  I could see through my own transparency.  All my efforts were good, and I know she appreciated them.  But I know I can't be so obsessed with "fixing" everything.  And realizing that I was exploiting her situation to make myself look good filled me with  horror at my true colors.  And I think I hit rock bottom again. 

"I can't be this way anymore. I'm desperate. I acknowledge my problems. I want to change. I'm ready for a new, better way to live."

Step 5: Confession

I was pretty nervous.  How often do you sit down with someone and pour your heart out, bare your soul, confess to the ugliest parts of you that you are so ashamed of you've ignored them for years and years? 

Well, I never had before.

And yet I had a sense of anticipation, that this was going to be monumental, that it was a new beginning, and opportunity for change and progress.

I drove in silence, I tried to think of a song that would bring me peace but my mind came up blank.  I drove to a part of a nearby town where you might expect to find addicts living, and pulled into the driveway of my sponsor's duplex.  She met me there, with a giant hug.  I immediately felt loved.  We sat, she brought me a glass of water and offered a prayer. 

On her wall hung one of those wood boards you see at craft fairs, or you might make at a super Saturday activity.  The kind with cheesy vinyl sayings like "All Because Two People Fell In Love", the kind of sayings that on your rough days with your addicted husband make you want to barf.  But instead of of a trite, cliche phrase, in metal plating it read

"Recovery is a family value."

I loved it.  I wanted to take it home with me.  I want to hang it right over a framed list of the 12 steps.  Right in the entry way.

Before she let me start reading she gave me some encouraging words.  I don't remember what the words were, but their general effect was to embue me with confidence.  And it worked.  I started and I plowed through pages of weaknesses and character flaws that haunt me.  A couple times she laughed, and I looked up to see what was so funny, only to realize that she was laughing because she could relate, she had those problems too. 

I finished my list of strengths and weaknesses, mostly emotionless.  We discussed.  Then she pointed out that I had said nothing of my husband, or my relationship with him.  She worried about this.  So I pulled out my pages of resentments toward people.  This one.  I hadn't planned on reading that.  I had felt like I covered most of those issues in the list I compiled about myself. 

But God wanted me to read it.  And I couldn't make it through without the pain of those relationships bringing me to tears.  I wept as I confronted the broken parts of me.  Saying them out loud finally made them real, and it hurt. 

She gave me some comforting thoughts and an assignment of something to read.  We started to wrap things up right as the front door opened and her adult daugther walked in, reeking of cigarette smoke.   She's a recoverying addict herself and offered to leave, but I told her she could stay, we were almost done.  She offered me a hot dog and sat down with a couple for herself.  She made me laugh, and we made addict jokes. 

My sponsor walked me out to my car and reminded me of my worth, in a moment when I was feeling pretty weak.  Another hug, more love.

I drove away at dusk feeling like it wasn't over yet.  I drove to our church, out in the country, and pulled into a spot at the back of the parking lot.  I walked out onto the wet grass, the sprinklers had just been on.  I found a spot by a couple of pine trees and knelt down. 

Then I prayed, Enos style.  I poured my heart out.  I threw eloquence and formal prayer language out the window and I said whatever came into my head.  I apologized for being ungrateful.  I plead for forgiveness for hurtful things I've done to others.  I confessed that I knew I was wasting my talents or neglecting my responsibilities.   I asked for his help.  I asked for forgiveness.  I begged for him to change my heart.   I thanked him for my blessings and for the good people around me.  I acknowledged him and his hand in my life. 

I word vomited to God.

And cried some more.

When I was done it was dark and I looked up at the moon.  I thought of Jesus Christ, and felt so relieved that it didn't matter that I am so imperfect. 

"In taking Step 5 we admit to our Heavenly Father in a very personal way our need for the gift He offers in providing us with a Savior.  This tender exchange not only deepens our emotional and spiritual connection with our Father in Heaven, but also with our Savior, who encircles us in the arms of His love and whispers peace to our souls.  We are reminded by the assurance of the Holy Spirit that we are loved, singularly and personally.  Receiving this assurance of God's love for us does more than any earthly source to fill us with genuine acceptance of ourselves, gratitude for our strengths, and hope in spite of our human frailties."  (Step 5, Healing Through Christ 12-step manual.)

Now, when my human frailties rear their ugly head and I see them for what they are, I find comfort in knowing that I don't HAVE to be that person any more.  I can change. 

"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go."  (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

Step 5: Part I - The "support person"

In response to some questions about my sponsor/support person that I shared my inventory with:

I alternate meetings every other week with two different groups in my area.  But the group where I originally began attending is constantly evolving.  There are only one or two women who have been attending as long and consistently as I have.  (Aside from the missionary and facilitator.)  This makes it difficult for very good sponsorships to develop.  As I was doing my Step 4 inventory I was worried about who I would share it with.  There was one "sponsor" that I knew of, and at first I didn't feel like I could relate to her.  As the time for my sharing grew closer, I approached the missionary and she gave me the names of a few women who had offered to listen to inventories.  The one I knew best was the sponsor in the group, and I decided to trust that Heavenly Father was aware of me, and that this woman would fulfill my need for a support person. 

She turned out to be experienced, kind and very supportive, but I'll write about that later.

Step 5 is called "Confession" and it includes admitting to Heavenly Father and another person our discoveries about ourself and our weaknesses, strengths, attitudes and beliefs.  I'm just going to reiterate what the manual says about this "sharing" experience.

- When necessary, confessions should be made to proper priesthood authority.
     * I don't think this necessarily means that you share your entire inventory with your bishop, just any relevent unresolved sins. 

- Where appropriate seek out the help of a professional counselor.
     * Once again, I don't think this means that someone you are paying money to listen to you is necessarily the best person to share your entire inventory with.  But some issues from the past may arise that might be best resolved with professional help.

- It might go without saying, or it might not, that the person you share your inventory with should be the same gender.

- Your support person should not be an immediate family member.
   * I think the reason for this is that it might prevent you from being completely honest or it might cause hurt or harm to the individual you share with. 

- This person should be someone you can trust, who will show empathy.  Their role is not to give advice, it is just to listen and to keep you from "exaggerating or minimizing [your] accountablity."

and for that reason...

- Where possible it should be a person who has completed their own Step 4 and Step 5 and is familiar with the purpose and the program.

I've heard people say they have done it over the phone if need be.  My biggest suggestion is even if you can't find an offical "sponsor", find someone you can be totally honest with, who will be kind.  It is scary to bear your soul, to put all your secrets out there, but it will be most rewarding if you can do it in an environment, with a person, that is safe and gentle.

Step 4: Jane's way

I finished my Step 4 written moral inventory. 

BIG. HUGE.  SIGH.

It was painful, but tremendously cathartic.  Most of what I want to write here, today, is just the logistics of my experience, what I did.  Because in the beginning, I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  I didn't know where to start, I felt like the outline in the manual was too ambiguous.  So I reached out to a couple people who had completed theirs and then I just started writing.

First, I wrote a biographical sketch.  I started at birth and included any relationship or event that popped into my mind.  I just wrote, trying not to analyze anything, just to include things that I felt I either had residual negative feelings about, or that I felt demonstrated some kind of meaningful experience.  As I wrote, I did start to notice patterns and themes in my life and my relationships. So in another document, I started making a list of my strengths and weaknesses, and recorded my reoccurring shortcomings there.  

I wasn't satisfied with this, I wasn't sure I was uncovering everything I needed to.  So I turned to this website: (shared with me by Scabs)  http://www.step12.com/step-4.html

In contains four worksheets from the AA 12-step program to assist with the inventory.  I only completed the first one because I felt like it was the one that most applied to me, and because by this time I was three months into this process.  It was very helpful, and it gave me the opportunity to take responsibility for some grievances I have long held against people in my life, particularly people I love most.  (Ironic, perhaps?) 

After finishing that worksheet I had more information about myself to add to my list of strengths and weaknesses.  So for the last few weeks I have just been contemplating the following paragraph from the aforementioned website:

"If you doubt that you have any problems -- just think back to the last time that you felt restless, irritable and discontented. Remember when you got angry - with your self or with another person. Remember the last time you were disturbed. Remember the last time you had a problem or troubles. The last time you felt uncomfortable and not at ease in a situation. What was it? Whom was it with? What happened? "

Eventually it got to the point where the root of my discontent could be traced back to a handful of insecurities, weaknesses or attitudes.  At this point, I felt like I was ready to be finished.

I don't share all this because I think I did it the RIGHT way.  There is no RIGHT way, only the way that is right for you.  I constantly fought the temptation to feel like I needed to be more thorough, write more, think more.  But I realized this process is ongoing, and as I personally plan to have the 12 steps as a part of my life indefinitely, I know I will have more opportunites for self-reflection.  After I had mostly completed my inventory, at group meeting we read Step 4 from the original manual for addicts, and that was also very helpful.  (There is a list of questions on page 22 that I think I will use whenever I find myself "irritable" or "disturbed.")

Just in closing I want to share a quote that helped me stay afloat during periods of despair as I realized my own nothingness.  (I apologize if I've shared it before, it's a personal favorite.)

"We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil's dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self.  We need the first and must shun the second, remembering when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold, but also to beckon." 

"Come on over" my conscience says to me.  "Here you will find that no matter your weakness you are still worthy of the atonement and the love of Jesus Christ."

My time machine

I finally came up with something for Angel's experiement.  Here it goes.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm forgetting all the pain.  I know, this is amazing, I should be grateful and thrilled, and for my own benefit, I am.  But I feel like I'm losing my empathy.  I also feel like I've heard so many stories, much worse, that I have no "right" to complain.   After group meeting the other night another woman, even more advanced in recovery than I am, and I were visiting.  She said she sometimes worries that when she says things like

"I'm so grateful for this experience..." or "I no longer worry or suffer..."

that the other women in the room want to ring her neck.  We agreed that it is nice to see that someone survived, that there IS hope.  But at the same time, I don't cry during meetings anymore and that almost makes me feel like an outcast.   (Not really, let me be clear, there are no outcasts in group meetings.)

Last night Pete and I had an argument.  It wasn't over anything substantial, but I rolled over in bed and closed my eyes.  I forced myself to think about nothing.  Breathe in. Breathe out.  Go to sleep.

Then I remembered.  I remembered, months ago, being curled up in the fetal position on the blue rug in our bathroom.  I let Pete take care of the kids while I first sobbed, and then closed my puffy eyes.  Forcing myself to think about nothing.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Go to sleep.  Escape reality. 

When the memory hit me the pain didn't come back, just the memory of the pain.  It was real.  It had hurt tremendously.  It felt like betrayal.  I was devastated.  I can relate.  I do have empathy.

The pain of everything in the past is gone.  It is truly gone.  I am healing.  I am totally uncertain about the future, there are no guarantees but I do feel prepared.  It has been two months since Pete's last relapse, and I am clueless as to if or when another episode will come.  But regarding what is behind me, it is at last, behind me. 

I don't mean to imply that I have "completed" recovery.  I'm not sure that is even something I can ever cross off a checklist.  It's a life process for me, even if Pete eventually overcomes addiction.  I am still sorting through issues.  So this is where I stand today:

-I am days away from having the most frightening conversation of my life.  I have completed my personal inventory for Step 4 and am preparing to share it. 
-I still struggle with intimacy and affection, and get frustrated with myself as I strive to have a healthy sexual relationship.
-I still feel regular temptations to return to codependent behaviors and constantly let the choices of other people determine my mood, attitude, and ultimate happiness. 

But,

-I have moved on from the debilitating fears of my husband's addiction, our future, his salvation, death and doom, to more managable fears about people not liking me, rejection, and failure. (Progress, right?)
- I have forgiven Pete for his past misdeeds.  I don't perpetually blame him for all the shortcomings of our relationship.
- I don't blame myself for any of Pete's past choices.
- I have a strong desire to reach out to others, to help them, to comfort them, and to give them hope.
- I have faith in God, that his divine plan for me is going to give me peace no matter what my mortal experience will entail. 
- I view the trials of others in a different light, it's sad and I feel awful for their pain, but I have faith in God's plan for them as well. 
- I have learned a new way to live, and a new way to love. 

I look forward to the coming year, for myself and for all of you!

This gets a bit heavy

I've been emailing with a fellow WoPA who has been dealing with this much longer than I have, which probably means more questions, more frustration, etc.  She raised an interesting point that really had me thinking.  I'll post her question here, and then my response but I'm interested in other opinions too, so speak up if it speaks to you. 

Her question:

"If one of the major keys to recovery for the addict is improving the relationship with the spouse, than this would imply that in some way a poor relationship was responsible for fueling the addiction in the first place. That just doesn’t seemto ring true."

The best I could come up with:

After doing a 4th step inventory, and evaluating my own past and present choices, attitudes, weaknesses and strengths I've realized this.  And I'm going to have to try really hard to get this to sound right.

My shortcomings in our relationship did contribute to the resentments my husband felt about our marriage.  But he had a choice how to cope with/handle those resentments.  He chose to go against his conscience, the teachings of the gospel and he experimented with pornography.  Was I partly to blame for the issues in our sex life? Yes.  Was I at ALL to blame for the choice he made to induldge in an addictive behavior? NO. 

Does that make any sense? I know it's hard to make the distinction, but I think it's there.  I truly believe that improving the relationship is helpful in my husband's healing, but the choice still remains his.  Just like he chose his way into addiction, he has to be the one to choose his way out.  

I want to take it one step further here, something else to chew on.  Like I said, these are new ideas for me and I'm still sorting through them.

Over the course of our marriage there have been times I have mistreated my husband.  Undoubtedly.  I'm not perfect.  His way of coping with the way I mistreated him was to act out in addiction.  I'm not sure he ever justified his behavior by pointing out to himself how I mistreated him, but it would definitely be a possibility.

His addictive behaviors were definitely a way he mistreated me.  And how did I respond?  I got angry, I was cruel, I guilted and shamed.  I mistreated him.  Was I justified in mistreating him because he mistreated me?

I mistreat him, he acts out in pornography addiction and by doing so mistreats me.  I act out by being hurtful and unkind.  (Talk about a vicious cycle!) Are either of us justified? I'll grant you that addiction is probably a greater sin than the ways I have hurt him, but the principle remains the same. 

He is no more to blame for my response to his behavior than I am to blame for his response to my behavior.

If I believe (and I absolutely do!) that he is responsible for the choices he makes when he is hurt or resentful, then it must follow that I am responsible for the chocies I make when I am hurt or betrayed.   It seems reasonable to assume that if I expect him to control his thoughts and behaviors after being hurt, I ought to be able to control mine. 

Right? Or no?

Addiction Recovery Group Meetings

I attended my first addiction recovery group meeting this week.  The meeting was for loved ones of addicts, and we met in the room next to the group meeting for the addicts.  It was a life-changing experience for me, and I don't use that term lightly.  I feel like I've learned a lot about judgement and criticism through this whole process, but this meeting took me to a new level. 

In this room, with these women there was no pride, and therefore no shame.  There was no comparing, no criticism, no judging.  No one bothered to pretend they were happy if they weren't, or save face or hide their hurt.  It was real women, totally genuine and exposed.  Instead of insecurity, this room was full of compassion, unity, humility, kindness, acceptance, understanding, empathy and most importantly charity; true Christ-like love. 

Every once in awhile during a relief society lesson or a testimony meeting I have tasted of this love.  But during this meeting my eyes were opened to the way God wants us to view each other and my whole heart was truly full of His love.  The wonderful part is that while the feeling was strongest with the women in the room, I have been able to carry a part of it with me and draw upon it when I feel compelled to form opinions about the choices of other people around me. 

There were many other great things about the meeting and the program.  There is much for me to learn and the program offers many tools and lessons to help in recovery.  If you haven't attended a meeting like this, and one is available to you, I highly recommend it.  I was honestly so nervous I was shaking, but that fear departed so quickly and I am anxious to go back.

Have you been? How did you feel?