Hold On

Last weekend I went to Time Out For Women.  To be honest, I didn't really think it was my "style."  But a friend asked me to go with her and in all my codependent glory I thought

"SHE really needs this. I'll go for her." 

So I went.  And I actually had a really good experience.  One of the performers sang this song from the Broadway production "The Secret Garden."  I'd never heard of the song or the play- but it moved me.  Unfortunately I couldn't find a performance of the song that matched the effect of Macy Robison, but here is the best I could do. 

This girl has a great voice (even if she messes up the words a bit), but if her overdone headshot bores you, scroll down through the lyrics while you listen.  It's super empowering, and if I had any kind of voice I'd love sing it to each of you personally.

 

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on, Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on, don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.
Child, oh child! Hold on!

When you feel your heart is poundin',
Fear a devil's at your door.
There's no place to hide-
You're frozen to the floor!
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and you say:
"It's this dream, not me,
that's bound to go away."

Hold on, Hold on, the night will soon be by.
Hold on, Until there's nothing left to try.
Child, hold on, There's angels on their way!
Hold on and hear them say,
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below,
Or just come flying
At you from across the room!

When you see a man who's raging,
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years.
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it's this day, not me,
That's bound to go away.

Child, oh hold on.
It's this day, not you,
That's bound to go away!


P.S.  I love YouTube, seriously love it.  But when I was searching for this song the ads were horrible, really really obscene.  I can't bear the thought of swearing off YouTube, but nor can I bear to see those ridiculously over-sexualized women.  Thoughts? 

The rascal got away with it, or did he?

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There's a phrase in my head, or a few phrases.  They've been floating around in my conversations, comments and thoughts.

"Doesn't it seem like they are getting away with it?"

"It isn't fair that he can just repent to the bishop and be forgiven and I'm still hurting."

"He gets to have his cake and eat it too.  I don't think he feels any consequences or cares about hurting me." 

I hope that I can articulate the way I feel about this in my soul. 

Way back when... when I wore rose-colored glasses, I figured I was happy.  Yeah, I had some serious issues with self-pity now and then, but it never really occurred to me that I could be happier.   The depth of my feelings, both joy and grief, were equivalent to a mountain spring.  Little pebbles and twigs had defined my character. 

Now, I feel like the depth of my joys and griefs are equivalent to the grand canyon.  And I had to fall off a cliff to get here.

I think sometimes we imagine that men encompassed in addiction are going on their merry way.  Feeling happy, or at least content.  And while I think it would give us great satisfaction to know that they were suffering inside (and many are) I think most are just unaware how unhappy they are.  Or they attribute their unhappiness to outside sources rather than taking ownership for their misery.

For example:

We might suppose that a porn addict lies in bed at night thinking

"What a day!  I got my jollies online, pleased myself in the men's room at lunch, and then made love with my wife.  I'm the luckiest man alive.  And I'm getting away with it all!"

I don't believe that there is a man out there who thinks that way.  It goes against fundamental truth and universal principles.  Wickedness never was happiness. 

What we HOPE they are thinking:

"I've really screwed up.  I have a good wife, and I've betrayed her.  My kids look up to me and I am failing them.  I made bad choices, I have power to make good ones and I deliberately chose not to.  I am pathetic and I need help."

Some men get to this point, eventually.  But it takes a lot to get them there, and more often than not they are more like this

"What a crappy day.  I can't believe everything that went wrong at work.  I am so tired of all the nagging at home.  I could't help myself from getting distracted online, and what's the big deal if I please myself now and then. It's not like everyone else is perfect.  I have needs too."

Unfortunately there is a definite lack of personal responsibility there.  Is it the ideal? No.  But tell me this...

Are those the thoughts of a man who is escaping pain and suffering?  NO.  Abosolutely not.  Is it the pain and suffering we WANT them to be feeling?  No, not really.  But are they happy? Even content? Not at all. Their thoughts and lives are chaotic, confusing, frustrating, frightening, embarrassing.

Not to mention, living a life of constant justification must be exhausting.

I guess my point is that we think that they are free.  We think that they aren't feeling remorse and that they are getting away with it because they are avoiding the pain of their choices.  But we know better. 

First, we know that eventually, for them to find true happiness, they will have to face that pain.  And it will be utter anguish.  And they WILL suffer. 

Second, we know that they ARE suffering.  They ARE miserable.  They may not make the connection between their misery and their behavior, but they are not living in peace and serenity. 

Lastly, in recovery, with healing, we have the power to be happy. REALLY happy.  A new kind of happy we never knew existed.  A liberating freedom from addiction to codependency that changes everything. 

I think about this often when I look at others.  It's not just addicts that appear to get away with living a superficial and indulgent lifestyle.  All around us are people who are choosing the easy way, and therefore sacrificing the amazing power and strength that comes when we pay the price of pain and humility. 

Maybe some people are okay with mediocre relationships, with low self-worth,  weak character.  And that's their choice.  But they aren't living up to their potential, and it is therefore impossible for them to enjoy the fulfillment, superior relationships and pure joy that come when we live up to our potential.  Maybe they don't know what their missing. 

But we do. 

D-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt

I've been thinking a lot lately about what you do when your husband isn't acknowledging that there is a problem, or when he's refusing to seek recovery.  This is what I came up with.

1- Educate Yourself.  Knowledge is truly power.  I gained confidence as I learned things about addiction.  Science, facts, experiences that I read about were my weapons, or my shield in battle.  I don't mean battle like knock-down-drag-out shouting wars, but the battle of apathy, reluctance and pride that I was fighting with my husband.  Just as a warning though- Definitely do this in moderation, it's easy to become obsessed and spend excessive time researching.   And spare yourself the details of pornography itself.  It's ugly, and curiosity about it can lead you to places that might haunt you. 

2- Detach.  This is a frequent topic of discussion so I won't go into it much here, but once you've decided that you are not okay with pornography as the third wheel in your relationship with your husband, it will be impossible to not let your relationship be affected.  Maybe say something like this:

"I am not comfortable with your use of pornography.  It makes me feel inadequate, lonely, betrayed, disgusted, afraid and ___________ (insert feeling here).  So long as you choose to participate in pornography you are choosing to have a mediocre relationship with me." 

3. Set Boundaries:  This is another frequent topic so I'll be brief.  A woman in my support group told me that her husband evolved from a pornography addiction to a gambling addiction.  The first thing she did when she found out (well experienced in boundaries)  was march down to the bank and seperate her name from all his accounts.   

4. Don't Enable:   How do you know if you are enabling?  Are you funding it? Are you protecting him from pain?  Are you lying for him? Here is a quote from the Healing Through Christ manual:

"We enable our addicted loved ones when we feel guilty for not helping them or when we interfere

with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors. These behaviors are misguided ways of demonstrating love and kindness towards our loved ones."

5. Talk About It:  This one is hard.  For some of us, we know that broaching the subject is like inviting a torado to blow through the house, and we spend days trying to clean up the emotional wreckage.  But ignoring an addiction is a form of enabling, and so here are my sub-tips:

             A. Brace Yourself.  It's probably not going to go well.  He will likely get defensive and angry.

             B. It's NOT ABOUT YOU.  Ignore the lies he says.  He will blame-shift, manipulate.  He may not even do it out of anger, he may seem calm, or sarcastic and act like it's funny.  He might make you feel like you're being silly, ridiculous.  He might say you are over-reacting.  Just remember, your feelings are valid.  He is scared/overwhelmed/ashamed/frustrated, but those feelings come from guilt and from addiction, not from you.    

            C.  Don't Engage.  Don't make it a fight.  Be strong and if you need to- walk away.  {I'm SO terrible at this!}  It'll be tempting to defend yourself, but for awhile he will probably be irrational and unreasonable.  When you sense that he is unreachable, let it go. Drop it. Walk away.

            D.  Keep Bringing it Up.  Say what?! I know, now you're thinking, what's the point of bringing it up if he never listens?  It just makes us mad at each other... it just hurts me...

A quote- (Sorry I can't remember the website I got it from):

Sam Waldner emphasizes that typically the person needs to hear a repeated message (with specific observations) from family and friends that they are seeing a problem. While this information will likely not serve as an immediate stimulus to seek help, the repetition of the overall message can help to counter the "powerful and long-maintained" element of denial.

Lastly...

6. Stay Positive in the Meantime: There are reasons you fell in love with this man.  There are also many other things in life to be grateful for.  Try not to be consumed by this issue.  Enjoy the happy moments, look for the silver lining, try to foster happy thoughts.   There IS hope for him, AND you.  

Good luck! And please, share your stories.

Rock Bottom

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What IS rock bottom?  For me, a year ago,  it looked like this:

"I can't be this way anymore.  I'm desperate.  I acknowledge his problem.  I want to change.  I'm ready for a new, better way to live."

I remember clearly my rock bottom with Pete's addiction.  It was too heavy, I couldn't carry it anymore.  I didn't want to be pathetic and miserable.  I didn't want to be bitter and suspicious. I didn't want to be afraid of the future.  I didn't want to be full of hate and I didn't want to be depressed. 

I wasn't functioning as a proactive, positive mother. I withdrew.  I preferred isolation because social situations, particularly with family, were too difficult,  they required too much pretense and insincerity.   I was embarrassed.  I was lonely.  I was hypersensitive and felt like a victim. 

But I was ready for help.  I was a sponge.  I read and studied.  I prayed.  I reached out.  I found friends online and I started the blog. I discovered 12-step meetings and amazing women at support groups.  I cried at every meeting, but it felt wonderful.   I was cleaning up the crap.  From rock bottom, I could only go up.   I had hope. 

Now, I feel like I'm able to cope with Pete's addiction in more healthy ways.  There is much less of the fear, embarrassment, isolation, self-pity and bitterness associated with his problem. 

But after doing the Step 4 Inventory I'm no longer living in ignorant bliss of my own addictions.  Or compulsive behaviors if you prefer that term.  I prefer that term because my compulsive behaviors are much more socially acceptable than pornography addiction, and I like to make that distinction.

I digress...

Last week a friend of mine suffered a terrible tragedy.  In the midst of her crisis I found myself relapsing into a raging codependent.  

"I'm gonna fix it! I'm gonna fix her!" 

I called, visited, texted, arranged meals, babysat kids, sent flowers.  I did everything I could think of to manage the pain.  I took ownership of her trial.  And to make it worse- I wanted credit for it all.  I was constantly looking over my shoulder to see who was taking note of my good deeds.  I made her experience all about me, and put my happiness on the line.   Would I come through? Would she shower me with love and appreciation and tell me how everything I'd done had been just what she needed to get her through?

For once my actions were good, but my intentions were selfish. And in the light of my new-found knowledge  I could see through my own transparency.  All my efforts were good, and I know she appreciated them.  But I know I can't be so obsessed with "fixing" everything.  And realizing that I was exploiting her situation to make myself look good filled me with  horror at my true colors.  And I think I hit rock bottom again. 

"I can't be this way anymore. I'm desperate. I acknowledge my problems. I want to change. I'm ready for a new, better way to live."

The Arbitrary Line

Credit
I'm experimenting with image.  Do they enhance a post?
 

The LDS church issued a statement clarifying its position on caffeinated soft drinks.  (Although I can't seem to find the actual statement on the church website.)

As soon as I heard, I teased my mother-in-law for a minute. I told her a statement had been made and watched panic in her eyes while I let the suspense hang in the air. Boy was she relieved.  But Pete and I got to talking about it later. 

"Even if the church doesn't say it's wrong, doesn't it just seem wrong to be so attached to a beverage that the idea of removing it from your life makes you sweat and fills you with fear?" 

I'm not saying this to guilt anyone who has a Pepsi habit.  [Totally been there done that.  The summer before my senior year of high school my friend and I fed our Dr. Pepper habit with her dad's Chevron gas card until we started getting headaches and our teeth rotted out of our heads.]  I'm just reiterating a point I've already made.  (Some might call it beating a dead horse.) 

I've been thinking a lot about denial.  About how porn addicts wait too long before they finally acknowledge there is a problem.  Then I read this really great post on Row Boat and Marbles.  A couple quotes:

" Want to see an addict panic? Tell him the world just ran out of his drug and he’s on his own now. An addicted brain is in survival mode, doing whatever it can to get its drug, “by any means necessary.”

 "One of the best ways for an addict to remain in denial is to convince himself and others that he hasn’t “crossed the line.” He hasn’t yet entered addiction territory. He still just has a “little problem.” The thing about it is that “the line” is completely made up, completely arbitrary and has nothing to do with actually being addicted.

An addict has practically limitless distinctions from which to choose when he defines addiction in his mind. I’m not addicted as long as I don’t look at porn more than once every six month–once every three months–once a month–once a week...

It’s not really addiction as long as I only look at topless women–naked women–solo women–heterosexual couples–no more than two people in the picture–still-life pictures–small pictures–short videos clips–videos less than 30 seconds–two minutes–ten minutes–one hour.”

Until what?  Until everything is destroyed?  Who wants to live that way? Feeling out of control, justifying, panicking...

Recently Pete and I have "come out" to another couple in our ward who shared with us that they were dealing with this.  They are a version of us two or three years ago.  Pete and I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them, warn them that NOW is the time to take this seriously. 

So what do you do, when YOU are ready to take it seriously and your husband isn't?  I'm working on that... thinking thinking thinking...

♥ my REAL peeps

I had some time Sunday afternoon to myself.  It was quiet and I had been up late Saturday so I decided to take a nap. I made the mistake of taking my smarty-phone with me and...

an hour and a half later...

I got sucked into Facebook.  By the time my kids started emerging from their own naps I was grouchy and irritable.   I know I don't have conscious thoughts of comparison, but I do have thoughts like this:

"Wow.  She looks amazing in that wedding photo.  She's gorgeous.  But that bridesmaid dress is totally immodest."

"That's so awesome that your husband did all those amazing things for your anniversary but why do you need to tell him thank-you on Facebook in front of the whole world, wouldn't it be okay to just give him a kiss and hug and say thanks?" 

Then the negative chatter in my brain starts going non-stop and I felt like crap. I felt so small and insignificant. I felt like I'll never measure up.  I felt like I don't matter.   

Fortunately Sunday night I had group meeting.  It was a really great meeting, one of the best I've been to.  These were the kind of things women said

"My life is in shambles because I found out my husband has been unfaithful.  But I feel hope."

"There is chaos in my home as my husband fights with himself about his addiction.  But I'm not involved and I'm not going crazy anymore."  

It was just so REAL.  And when these women nodded their heads as I shared, and hugged me after the meeting, I felt like I mattered.  I felt loved.  I felt like no one really measures up to what we think they do. 

The truth is, I love my Facebook friends as much as I love my group sisters.  But I feel like between us are these facades, this social pressure to perform in a status update.  Today I thought I said something clever and checked back every few minutes to see if people were "liking".  Why the need for validation?

I'm following some WoPA friends on Instagram and it's been an interesting experience.  Since I know that in their quiet hearts are hidden hurts and struggles, I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I never assume they are boasting, I love everything they say and do!  So what stops me from giving my FB friends the benefit of the doubt?  Why do I assume they are boasting?  Why am I constantly annoyed/irritated with their posts? 

I sort of live in the country, and I take back roads home from group meetings.  It was dark and warm Sunday night as I drove and I rolled the windows down.  I felt free and hopeful.  And I had just heard some really sad things. 

Why after I spend and hour and a half reading "happy" things on Facebook do I feel trapped and discouraged?  Why the contrast? 

A New Normal?

My laptop is dusty.  Literally.  I took the last few weeks of summer to disengage from all things online-pornography-addiction-related.  I still went to meetings, lest I get totally lost. 

I'm sorry if you have emailed me and I haven't responded.  Your thoughtful words are so kind, and appreciated.  I don't mean to be inconsiderate by not responding, I was in a weird place.

There are a couple people in my life that thrive on drama.  You know the types, they love to gossip, especially if it's scandalous or tragic.  They stir the pot, they make mountains out of molehills and inflate and exaggerate to elicit emotional responses.  It is almost sadistic.  Emotionally sadistic.  Not to mention it wreaks havoc on relationships. 

As usual, I've painfully discovered that perhaps the reason these people frustrate me so much is because I am frustrated at the way I see this fault in myself. 

This is difficult to write, FIRST, because it's embarrassing to admit.  But SECONDLY, because, to those who are currently in the midst of anguish and inner turmoil what I'm about to say may seem totally INSANE, or at least insensitive.  

Things have been going well around here.  And I'm resenting it.

I know, right!? INSANE.

At group meeting last week someone made the comment that she is addicted to the addictions that surround her.  I've heard about co-addiction before, I've written about co-addiction.  But all of the sudden it clicked with me again. 

The last few weeks I've been mad that things ARE going well.  What do I have to complain about now? What do I have to write about?  Where is my drama?  Where is my fuel for my giant self-pity bonfire?

Happiness is a matter of choosing to be happy.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Circumstances do not determine happiness.

I know it's hard to be happy when your husband looks at porn, believe me, I know.  But even now after I have come to some sort of peace with Pete's addiction, I still can't be happy.  And now, I know better than to blame it on him.

On our way home from a recent vacation I started to get on Pete's case again.  The usual codependent harping. 

"You know, you really should be doing this, or shouldn't be doing that." 

We hadn't talked about it in awhile and haven't really since.  But I can see that it was just my own uneasy feelings about our lack of drama around here.  It's not normal.  Or, its a new normal.

So after group meeting last week I took some time to count my blessings.  I should truly be grateful for some stability and predictability.  These last few weeks of summer have been really great family time. 

It's these painful realizations about my own character flaws(ingratitude) and addictions (desire for drama) that are making it really hard for me to get past Step 6.  So stay tuned...

hey

WOPA

Omega Rho Delta

I guess I've taken a bit of an informal break.  I'll be back. 

In the meantime, in the spirit of Fall and Back to School, welcome to the wife of porn addict sorority.

Any techies want to make us a button?

The Meaning-Making-Machine

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I once held a human brain in my two latex-gloved hands.  It was in an Anatomy and Physiology lab in college.   My first thought was disgusted disbelief that this rubbery mass that reeked of formaldehyde was capable of being an operating system for a human being.  But then a reverent awe overcame me, and I knew it was in fact capable of such things.  I knew such a wonderous design could only be the product of a divine creator.   And in those smelly seconds before I passed it back to the grad student, I was profoundly grateful for my mind. 

A friend recently told me about the way our brains are "meaning-making-machines."  We are hard-wired to make meaning out of everything.  I'm especially prone to this.  I can't casually observe ANYTHING without my brain making some kind of running commentary about the images my eyes are sending to my operating system.  Everything in the world around me is processed first by my vision and then immediately judgments are made, analysis is begun, and then come the feelings.  Let me give a couple examples.  (I could write examples ALL day long, probably because I'm exhibiting examples in my life ALL day long.)

*A woman stands up and walks quickly out of  church tears streaming down her face. 

- Okay, that's the image.  Here is the immediate, seemingly impulsive and uncontrollable analysis.

 

 

"Wow.  She must be going through a really hard time.  I need to give her a hug after church.  I wonder what it is?!?!  Maybe her husband is addicted to pornography."

 

 

- And then of course the reality: 

Her friend next to her make a totally hilarious remark, she can't stop laughing, the tears start flowing, she puts on her most serious expression to cover her faux-pas and makes a break for it to salvage some dignity. 

* I go to pick up my kids from my mother-in-law who was babysitting them.  She has their shoes on, the diaper-bag all packed up and they are sitting on the front porch.  [Image]

"Oh man.  It was a bad day. She can't wait to get rid of these kids.  I wish she would just tell me if she didn't enjoy babysitting them.  I'm more than willing to find someone else.  Gosh, could she make it any more obvious how anxious she is for them to leave?!" [Meaning-making-machine analysis.]

She knew I would be exhausted.  She was doing her best to be thoughtful and considerate.  She thought I would really appreciate not having to gather up belongings, put shoes on, and herd the kids (like sprinting cats) from around her house and yard into the car.  [Reality.]

I'm no good at numbers, but statistically speaking what are the odds that the meanings our brain is pumping out at light speed are actually accurate? One of my favorite quotes fits nicely here.  From Francesca Farr:

"Our view of reality is only a view, not reality itself." 

It's as if I am incapable of LIVING without constantly speculating and making assumptions that often  lead me down paths of resentment, hurt, jealousy, or even pride and false superiority.

The harm isn't so much that my brain is constantly trying to attach meaning or analysis to every situation, interaction and communication (although I think I can work a little to minimize that)  the harm is that these judgments I am making about the world around me are strongly influencing my feelings, which therefore influence my behavior. 

The 12-step manual says "Feelings are not facts."   What my friend was trying to point out to me was that when I listen to Pete tell me things, I have to try my hardest not to assign meaning to them right away.  It's becoming easy for me to dismiss anything negative he says about me as "lies of the irrational addict mind" when there are times that I need to listen humbly and carefully to what he's trying to express.  

{As a side note, I'm TERRIBLE at discerning the difference.  Advice welcome!!}

 So, while I am so grateful for this busy brain of mine, I know that I need to do a little practice. It's not just Pete's words, but also his behaviors (why didn't he respond to my text?, why didn't he kiss me good-bye?, why is he taking so long in the bathroom?, why is he being so kind/unkind?) that I need to be more open-minded about.  And it's not just Pete, but every other person in my life. 

I'm curious about this, if anyone has any understanding of why our brains are instinctively making meaning out of everything we see, tell me about it.   I'm fascinated. 

100th Post

Wow.  I really can't believe I've had that much to say.   Who am I kidding? I'm never lacking in things to say.
In celebration (?) I have a few links to post:

A teaser for the SHAMED movie.  I can't help but feel love and hope when I watch these videos.  I would love to have some of these people over for dinner.  Including the professionals. 
http://vimeo.com/45676200

Since this is the place where I can share all the things that are too Taboo to share in my real life: Here is a link about "Defuzzing Your Person."  Sometimes I'm in the mood for this sort of thing, today I'm not really.  But maybe you are?  I like it because this lady is very respectful of body, and if it's not your thing, that's great.  http://velvetdragon.com/etc/shave.html

Some really good info on codependency.  Just when I think I've learned it all (haha!) I find some new helpful knowledge.  Knowledge is so great.  http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/library/code/codelds/codeldsauthor/links/hopebook/adjustin3.htm

Right now I feel like I'm getting so much better at coping with relapses, but I'm also realizing that in a weird way I just postpone my reactions.  (Thanks Alicia for helping me see this.) Instead of having an immediate meltdown, I have a slow and subtle slip into my self-pity funk.   Which leads to an eventual relapse into some more subtle codependent behaviors.  

I suck at analogies.  Really.  But I came up with this bizarre one that best describes the way I feel about my WoPA friends. 

Have you ever stayed in the bathtub until all the water is drained out?  Laying in a warm full bathtub is comfortable.  But as the water slowly drains your body is left to support it's own weight.  Bodies are heavy and bathtubs are hard.  By the time all the water is gone it is really uncomfortable to be laying there.  

Thanks for being my bathwater everyone.  Seriously your love and comments (particularly the ones that have the word "bahahaha" in them) are my bouancy to keep me from feeling the hard parts of life too uncomfortably. 

Do I really have another 100 posts in me?  Pshh. Probably.