My laptop is dusty. Literally. I took the last few weeks of summer to disengage from all things online-pornography-addiction-related. I still went to meetings, lest I get totally lost.
I'm sorry if you have emailed me and I haven't responded. Your thoughtful words are so kind, and appreciated. I don't mean to be inconsiderate by not responding, I was in a weird place.
There are a couple people in my life that thrive on drama. You know the types, they love to gossip, especially if it's scandalous or tragic. They stir the pot, they make mountains out of molehills and inflate and exaggerate to elicit emotional responses. It is almost sadistic. Emotionally sadistic. Not to mention it wreaks havoc on relationships.
As usual, I've painfully discovered that perhaps the reason these people frustrate me so much is because I am frustrated at the way I see this fault in myself.
This is difficult to write, FIRST, because it's embarrassing to admit. But SECONDLY, because, to those who are currently in the midst of anguish and inner turmoil what I'm about to say may seem totally INSANE, or at least insensitive.
Things have been going well around here. And I'm resenting it.
I know, right!? INSANE.
At group meeting last week someone made the comment that she is addicted to the addictions that surround her. I've heard about co-addiction before, I've written about co-addiction. But all of the sudden it clicked with me again.
The last few weeks I've been mad that things ARE going well. What do I have to complain about now? What do I have to write about? Where is my drama? Where is my fuel for my giant self-pity bonfire?
Happiness is a matter of choosing to be happy. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Circumstances do not determine happiness.
I know it's hard to be happy when your husband looks at porn, believe me, I know. But even now after I have come to some sort of peace with Pete's addiction, I still can't be happy. And now, I know better than to blame it on him.
On our way home from a recent vacation I started to get on Pete's case again. The usual codependent harping.
"You know, you really should be doing this, or shouldn't be doing that."
We hadn't talked about it in awhile and haven't really since. But I can see that it was just my own uneasy feelings about our lack of drama around here. It's not normal. Or, its a new normal.
So after group meeting last week I took some time to count my blessings. I should truly be grateful for some stability and predictability. These last few weeks of summer have been really great family time.
It's these painful realizations about my own character flaws(ingratitude) and addictions (desire for drama) that are making it really hard for me to get past Step 6. So stay tuned...
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ReplyDeletepssssst.... I love you!
ReplyDeletepssssst (again).... you are doing GREAT! These moments of self actualization are the greatest ways to learn, in my opinion.
pssssst (another one).... I do the same thing... it's like if we let go, we can't be hurt anymore or something. We don't get that upper hand in a sense. But you know what I have discovered? The few times that I am doing it right and am moving forward in a healthier manner (less co-dependent-ish), life is SO MUCH BETTER! I am liberated, I am confident and I am genuinely happier.
pssssst (yep, again)... You are so much more incredible than you know... one of my greatest mentors is you, Jane.
Did I say I love you already?? Because I do!
Keep up the good work :)
Jane, I know it's healthy for you to get time away from your laptop, but can I say it was great to hear your voice again?! :) I think your post was interesting. My issue right now is that I'm trying to detach and scared that I'm doing it too well. I don't know what is happening in his court, and I don't care. For awhile I was trying to keep my distance and act the martyr, but it was just too tiring. Honestly, I can't stay mad when I don't KNOW what is going on. (Or like you put it, I have no fuel for my fire of indignation and wrath.) I'm essentially in a state of blissful ignorance. All the while, I'm thinking, I hope this is ok... because it kinda feels like he is getting away with a whole lotta something. But then again, it feels so great not thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you got a break, but lady, it's good to hear your thoughts again.
ReplyDeleteI totally get the addicted to drama thing. I don't know when I first started realizing that that has been me since I was a kid, but it has. It's one of the things I'm really trying to be more aware of. But it's a hard habit to break!
I'm going through the same kinda thing right now. Re-focus on me. How much blaming can I set on Mr scabs shoulders? I could stick it to him for the rest of his life (we all know he deserves it, right? lol). But honestly, at what point can I truly just let him go? I've seen how much be already blames and punishes himself. Do I dare give him a compliment? Tell him something good about himself? I think it's time...and it's part of the big thaw going on at our house.
ReplyDeletep.s. i read every word!
Amazing post! Very well described! I will be back to read more! Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteI so hear ya! I am trying to bite the vicious circle of drama in my life. I seem surrounded by it and yet I often love to make myself the center of attention by sharing my drama - no matter how big or small. Time to move on & focus on the good. Maybe time to really make a gratitude journal a part of my regular routine. Something to chew on !
ReplyDelete