My laptop is dusty. Literally. I took the last few weeks of summer to disengage from all things online-pornography-addiction-related. I still went to meetings, lest I get totally lost.
I'm sorry if you have emailed me and I haven't responded. Your thoughtful words are so kind, and appreciated. I don't mean to be inconsiderate by not responding, I was in a weird place.
There are a couple people in my life that thrive on drama. You know the types, they love to gossip, especially if it's scandalous or tragic. They stir the pot, they make mountains out of molehills and inflate and exaggerate to elicit emotional responses. It is almost sadistic. Emotionally sadistic. Not to mention it wreaks havoc on relationships.
As usual, I've painfully discovered that perhaps the reason these people frustrate me so much is because I am frustrated at the way I see this fault in myself.
This is difficult to write, FIRST, because it's embarrassing to admit. But SECONDLY, because, to those who are currently in the midst of anguish and inner turmoil what I'm about to say may seem totally INSANE, or at least insensitive.
Things have been going well around here. And I'm resenting it.
I know, right!? INSANE.
At group meeting last week someone made the comment that she is addicted to the addictions that surround her. I've heard about co-addiction before, I've written about co-addiction. But all of the sudden it clicked with me again.
The last few weeks I've been mad that things ARE going well. What do I have to complain about now? What do I have to write about? Where is my drama? Where is my fuel for my giant self-pity bonfire?
Happiness is a matter of choosing to be happy. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Circumstances do not determine happiness.
I know it's hard to be happy when your husband looks at porn, believe me, I know. But even now after I have come to some sort of peace with Pete's addiction, I still can't be happy. And now, I know better than to blame it on him.
On our way home from a recent vacation I started to get on Pete's case again. The usual codependent harping.
"You know, you really should be doing this, or shouldn't be doing that."
We hadn't talked about it in awhile and haven't really since. But I can see that it was just my own uneasy feelings about our lack of drama around here. It's not normal. Or, its a new normal.
So after group meeting last week I took some time to count my blessings. I should truly be grateful for some stability and predictability. These last few weeks of summer have been really great family time.
It's these painful realizations about my own character flaws(ingratitude) and addictions (desire for drama) that are making it really hard for me to get past Step 6. So stay tuned...