16 May 2013

Crisis of Faith: Part IV


I found my faith.  I suppose the timing couldn't be better.

After Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave his conference address in April a friend texted me. 

"You must be really special." She said. "That talk was just for you." 

He said

"Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not!"

So here is my honest declaration of faith. 


My faith didn't come back to me in a grand moment of clouds parting, angels singing, celestial glory.  It came over weeks of experiences, feelings, and words.  But it did culminate in a quite, tender moment while I was in Hawaii.

We attended the Samoan ward that was closest to our beach house.  As I sat down, one of those beautiful Polynesian women, with a smile as big as the island, draped a lei over my head.  She wrapped me in her arms and kissed my cheek. 

"Everyone wears one of these today" she said.  Sure enough, I looked around and every adult woman wore at least one, sometimes many, flowery, fragrant leis. I drank in the scent and basked in the love I felt. 

The hymnbook was in Samoan, but the language is phonetic so I did my best to sing along.  During the Sacrament hymn I stumbled through the words as I read them, but in my head I heard them in English. 

"Let me not forget, oh Savior."

I was totally overcome with emotion and I couldn't stop the tears.

God was there with me.  He spoke to my soul.  He was with those people. He is with people in congretations of all types around the world.  He is personally with those who believe in Him.  Myself included.  I felt of his supernal, individual love.


I have found answers to many of my questions.  I've gained spiritual understanding and increased my logical understanding of divine principles. 

Many of my questions haven't been answered.  But I'm okay with that, because that is what faith means to me.  Believing, in spite of questions. 

I get to choose what I believe and how I believe. I get to choose to believe at all.  I consider that to be a great treasure. 


  1. oh my gosh that brought tears to my eyes! Let's go back to Hawaii, just you and me, just to go to that little ward!

    There are LOTS of things I DON'T know, but I KNOW God lives and He loves me. I know He is aware of your pain and He loves YOU too!

  2. Love is so powerful, as is kindness and generosity. Music brings the Spirit. I'm glad you had this experience in Hawaii. What a tender mercy!