10 April 2013

Blogging late at night is not a good idea


Nothing good happens after midnight, my dad would say. 

I would add to that, nothing good happens after midnight particularly after watching four hours of tv drama.  An overdose of TV sitcoms makes me start to think of my life in terms of plot lines with characters full of angst and turmoil. 

To top it all off, I got on Facebook and read a few "real life" blogs.  My nephew is a few months younger than my oldest, and he is thriving in gymnastics and taking piano lessons, my sister reports on the family blog. 

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding self-pity the last few months.  (It's all relative.)  It used to be one of my biggest vices but I'm working on it.  Tonight I crawled in bed and tears of self-pity rolled down my cheeks. 

"Are my kids missing out on life because I've hunkered down? Am I so totally absorbed in my recovery, or lack thereof, that I'm depriving them of extracurricular activities?

Why do I have to deal with this, and my sister doesn't? Why does she get to spend hours at meets and recitals but I'm determined to isolate myself because I'm trying to find some emotional safe ground?"

As you all know, another vice of mine is validation.  And here I sit shamelessly seeking validation. 

It's hard. 

It's hard to drop all the fun stuff in life to try to save your marriage. 

It's hard. 

Now I'm going back to bed, and hoping that things look better in the morning. 


  1. I am sure it is hard to drop the fun stuff but your kids probably don't feel like they are missing out. (If you can call not having to practice the piano missing out - lol.)

    In the end though your sacrifices will be worth it.

    I am sure your children would rather you do what you feel you need to to save your marriage and gain emotional safety now which allows them to grow up in a healthy and stable environment vs them being concert pianists from a dysfunctional or broken home.

    All your efforts will pay off and I pray that you can start to see the fruits of your labors soon.

    You can make it through this. I have faith in you! You are stronger and more amazing than you give yourself credit for.

    Hold on.

    a friend

  2. I have thought a lot about you the last couple of days. I have prayed for you, and wished that I knew you personally so I could cry with you. You speak of being in a hole, I know that hole well (17 years of it). It is full of darkness and pain. I pray that the light will come soon for you. I don't know if you are familiar with the LifeSTAR program (http://lifestarnetwork.org/), but it has been crucial in my journey to healing from my husband's addiction as well as many other issues I was carrying. I also have been reading the book "The Continuous Conversion" by Brad Wilcox. It is teaching me that I have held onto a lot of false core beliefs about the gospel that have greatly hindered my healing.

    Take care my friend along the journey. I love you!

  3. Do you know how much I adore you?