18 March 2013

My Validation Fixation

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"I am insatiable for validation." I wrote in my 4th step inventory. Then I doubled the font, put it in bold, and highlighted it in the word document. It could not be understated.

I don't like using the word addiction loosely. So I will say that my fixation with validation stops just short of an addiction. It is my compulsive behavior. I look for a validation fix everywhere I can. In each email I receive from a friend, I hope to be validated. In the comments on my blog I long for praise. All around me on the internet I search for opportunities to be validated by writing comments or submitting guest posts. During my sharing at group meeting I look for approval in the faces of those who listen to me. When I bear my testimony at church I anticipate complimentary responses. During an emotional crisis I reach for my phone to call a trusted friend, someone I can count on to either validate me or talk me out of my desperate need.

When these sources all fail me, I turn to social media. Instagram and Facebook are a warehouse for manufactured validation. I post a picture of myself or my kids and I find instant positive feedback. But it's never enough. There are never enough comments or "likes" to satisfy me. I am insatiable.

When validation can not be found, I default to distraction. I peruse Instagram and Facebook, or play Words With Friends. Pinterest. Amazon. Anything to distract me from the fact that I am not being acknowledged, appreciated or worshipped.

(I am not saying there is anyhing inherently wrong with these things. Just like there is nothing inherently wrong with the beach. The beach is only a place to be avoided if you're a cycling sex addict.)

*Side Note* I want to issue a formal apology here, to anyone who I emailed preachy or self-righteous advice to. There were times it was me acting out on a compulsive desire for validation, because I was insecure about my position. And I can't possibly express my gratitude sufficiently to those who have had the courage to disagree with me, to refuse to indulge my somewhat manipulative effort to be validated. Now that I'm feeling the meekness of having no answers, I am slightly embarrassed at how I behaved when I was sure I had figured it all out.

My insatiable need for validation is definitely a problem. It might be a managable problem for me but for two things. One- I look to Pete as the number one source of my validaton. Two- Pete is an addict. I loved Rhyll's words

"Even though his presence brought out a toxic reaction in me, I desperately wanted to be loved and validated by him."

Pete and I have the same blame-shifting conversation during each of his addictive cycles. The conversation where he tells me that I'm detaching too much, and I lose my confidence. I might be able to have this conversation if I wasn't so committed to pleasing him, but my need for his validation suffocates me and breaks my heart at the first sign of his disapproval. This last time, through my tears I begged him to leave the room because I could not handle the pain of his blame.

The only people who I don't look to for validation are my children. I am so thankful that they have been spared the pressure of filling my perpetual need. From them all I wish for is love. Love free of agenda or self-interest. Pure childlike love. Love that comes so naturally to them that I can be totally confident in its intentions. It is whole and it is the antidote to my disease. It is the water that quenches my insecure thirst.

15 comments:

  1. Oh my, I hear you!

    This is something I am working on. I feel like it's been getting better in the last few months, but I still have so much work to do.

    Like you, I feel like I have no answers. I've backed waaaaay off on the forum because of it. My insecurities seem to come in and out like the tide: sometimes I'm genuinely okay, sometimes I feel like I'm thriving on validation from others.

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    1. I love you guys!

      I see myself in lots of this, Jane. A lot. Probably more than I wanted to recognize.

      Why is growing so painful sometimes . . .

      Well, I think I'll be bringing this up in my counseling session that I'm leaving for in about 20 minutes . . . I really feel like I finally hit my rock bottom a couple months ago, and it's a less fun place to be, but I feel like I"m finally digging myself out . . . hopefully . . .

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    2. Alicia- awareness is an awesome first step, right? Good for us.

      Hx- I hope your counseling session was insightful and uplifting, and feel free to share any newfound wisdome with me! I love you back.

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    3. Nothin' new -- unfortunately we spent the whole time talking about my husband's family's screwed up dynamics and secret keeping ;-) Oh well, still productive! :-)

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  2. Wow. that's something to think about. Thanks for sharing!

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  3. and you say you're not clever with titles!

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    1. It was taxing, and that was the best I could do.

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  4. I am working on this, too! No worries about the emails. I truly needed every word you sent. Love you:)

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  5. I relate too. It seems like we all do. Why is validation so important then? Is it a crutch? Is it ok to want it? I have a hard time imagining my life where I don't care what anyone thinks. Don't you think it sounds like a lonely existence? I know you didn't write this post for more validation (!) but I really want to say that I'm so glad our paths have crossed and you've been there for me when I've needed understanding.

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    1. I think you make a really good point. I think validation is important and a good thing, until I become so obsessive about it that it prevents me from living in the present moment. Or if I rely on validation for my self-worth. I was just reading today in the Courage to Change book, that part of our self-worth comes from validating others, and so I think that when I can do that with pure love, without strings attached it will enrich me more than any of the stuff I'm always fishing for. So for me it's not so much that I don't want to care about what people think, just that I don't want what they think to be the determining factor in my mood or happiness. In fact, I'd love to get to the point where I can share and listen without taking things personally or insisting other's opinions are a reflection of me.

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    2. I like that idea that even though we naturally have this insatiable desire for validation, part of our self-worth actually comes from validating others. Very interesting!!!

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  6. This is me to the "T." I would have never admitted to this or acknowledged this problem I have. But, I am constantly seeking validation. I love your blog, by the way.

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    1. Thank you Ang. Obviously, I love to hear that. :)

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  7. I can totally relate. Thank you for putting it into words. I am really thinking about the why's of my need for validation. It is hard to get to the bottom of it. I have been a silent reader for a while, thanks for your insight.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I look forward to reading your blog! Except, I'm not very often a silent reader. :)

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