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My isolation is two parts self-pity and three parts self-reflection, which has actually been productive and yielded some discovery. Truth be told, I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith, and I see-saw between a total committment to getting to the bottom of it and then a sort of ignorant, blissful apathy. I take that back, it is actually more like a half-stoned numb pseudoexistance rather than anything blissful.
In other news, it's March. March is a hard month for Pete. He thrives on a challenging work environment, which exists for him January-February. Then in March there is a huge let-down. His work goes from being super-intense to not-intense and it's easy for him to let loose, get lazy. I'm finding that some old suspicious and anxious codependent behaviors that I thought I had overcome are resurfacing. And I just really don't want to go there.
I can always tell when I'm struggling because I feel like every song lyric was written for me.
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soulYour faith walks on broken glass
(GREEN DAY - 21 GUNS)
I ran a race this morning. It was six miles. Three uphill, then three back down. I pushed myself hard, and got a personal best time. It felt so good. Brandon Flowers sang me through my last mile when my body wanted to call it quits.
And when when the hardest part is over, we'll be here
And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear
The boundaries of our fear
I know the tire is fear. I know it.
See ya when I see ya.
Well done at that race! (10K i assume?) Training for races is an analogy that I can grasp when I think of recovery. Sign up for another race in 2 months. Then dutifully train for it. It will certainly empower you and the training has its own benefits. Sometimes it helps me to break life down into sizeable portions...next hour, next day, next week, next 6 months. I hope Pete can stay focused during March!
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the race:) Keep it up like Warrior said.
ReplyDelete2 Timothy 1:7, "God hath not given me the Spirit of fear of of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
This scripture pulls me through those tire hugging days. I am praying for you girl!
Yep, I get isolation well. I went from being in the R.S. Presidency and knowing everyone, to walking into Sacrament the last year and not knowing who any of the new families are, and having not hung out with anyone from my Ward in months. No matter how much faith we have, no matter how much we work recovery (which, frankly, I've sucked at again until recently), there is just something undeniably HARD about this life, these marriages. No matter the blessings, personal growth, etc., it just sucks sometimes and it's hard not to let it affect us (or our insanity!) I'm thinking of you -- you are so strong, probably so much stronger than you know, but things just suck sometimes, and that's OK. We eventually learn something from the self-reflection and the hard emotions and we move on to the next trial -- each one we're better off than before, even when it doesn't feel like it. I'm babbling, and this may not be at all useful to you, but ultimately I just wanted to say I love you, I'm thinking of you, and you're awesome. And congrats on the race!
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