My isolation is two parts self-pity and three parts self-reflection, which has actually been productive and yielded some discovery. Truth be told, I'm having a bit of a crisis of faith, and I see-saw between a total committment to getting to the bottom of it and then a sort of ignorant, blissful apathy. I take that back, it is actually more like a half-stoned numb pseudoexistance rather than anything blissful.
In other news, it's March. March is a hard month for Pete. He thrives on a challenging work environment, which exists for him January-February. Then in March there is a huge let-down. His work goes from being super-intense to not-intense and it's easy for him to let loose, get lazy. I'm finding that some old suspicious and anxious codependent behaviors that I thought I had overcome are resurfacing. And I just really don't want to go there.
I can always tell when I'm struggling because I feel like every song lyric was written for me.
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soulYour faith walks on broken glass
(GREEN DAY - 21 GUNS)
I ran a race this morning. It was six miles. Three uphill, then three back down. I pushed myself hard, and got a personal best time. It felt so good. Brandon Flowers sang me through my last mile when my body wanted to call it quits.
And when when the hardest part is over, we'll be here
And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear
The boundaries of our fear
I know the tire is fear. I know it.
See ya when I see ya.