Last week at group meeting I asked again. It was mostly different women this time, and I wanted more perspective. This time the answer was almost unanimous. You don't need to.
No one said it was the wrong choice. All spoke from experience, some had shared and some had not. But they all agreed that it was not what I needed to heal. That isn't to say that for some it didn't help, but for some it didn't. And for those who had managed to keep their secret hidden, they had survived and did so without resenting their husband in the process.
It is often said to the new-comers at our group meeting "Keep coming back until you get your miracle." All the seasoned women have had individual experiences where they felt the healing power of the atonement mend their broken hearts. As they described to me their various experiences, they reassured me that this moment would come for me, in some way, regardless of whether or not I decided to tell my brother.
As I thought about this over the past week I realized the truth of what they said. After questioning my motives over and over I finally got to the bottom of it. And ultimately I realized that what I wanted from sharing my struggle with someone who loves me, is pity. I want someone to feel sorry for me because I'm darn good at feeling sorry for myself, and it's starting to get lonely at these pity parties.
I don't think that pity is necessarily bad. I think the results are support and compassion and we all know that those are extremely helpful for us along our journey. But I know that I will be okay without my brother's support and compassion. It might not seem fair for Pete to deny me this request. I've asked him and myself many times "You've thrust this burden upon me, after all I've done to forgive you and support you, who are you to refuse me this opportunity?"
But whether or not his answer to me is reasonable, I know I must respect it for the sake of our relationship. I'm also coming to understand that I can't heal from this until I am willing to lay it ALL at the altar. Seeing myself as the victim, and portraying myself as such to my family members might even hinder my progress. Having said that, I hope for the day when Pete and I are comfortable sharing. I hope for the opportunity to involve at least some members of my family in my recovery.
For now I'm seeking my miracle. I'm waiting for the quiet whisper that says "I'm here. I understand your suffering. I love you."
I hope that some day you can share with your brother just as a way to let him in on what's going on in your life, once you have overcome the need to share for pity's sake. I'm not even sure why I want to share. Probably just because I want to be able to talk to someone when times get hard. Talking things out makes me feel better. I liked this perspective, though, to sit down and figure out what our motivation is for wanting to share our trial.
ReplyDeleteHere's my take and you can throw this out the window if you wish ;)....
ReplyDeleteWhen in total distraught about what I had just learned about my husband (not the infidelity yet- just the pornography addiction, money and lies), I asked my counselor if I'm to carry this burden alone. He said (and I remember this pretty much verbatim) "you can tell anyone and everyone you need that will help support YOU in your personal healing". He also warned that once I've told, people will not forget... even if and when I could forgive and forget, those I've told (parent, siblings or whoever) might not. That was the risk you had to be willing to take so choose wisely.
I told my parents after 2 weeks- I couldn't take it anymore. Again, our situations are different as we separated immediately after discovery day.... I think if I was in your shoes however, and desperately needed someone 'in real life' to talk to- besides your husband, bishop, strangers at Group or counselor- I would tell a trusted friend or family member whom you know who is non-judgmental, who has YOUR best interest at heart, and who will help you through the process.
Of course your husband doesn't want anyone to know.... and this is something that drives me NUTS about sex addicts.... the want it kept secret because it's embarrassing! They are so worried what other people will think of them.... Well, in my humble opinion (lol), they should be called out on their hurtful, destroying behavior. I'm not saying yell it on the rooftops and blab it at the ward BBQ but I truly believe that this whole 'hush hush- don't tell anyone' mentality just makes it worse. I told many of my closest friends (our closest friends actually) that he had an addiction and later that he was unfaithful. Some were trusted with more information than others... and that was something I took very seriously. I waited to tell my parents the 'full details' until after I had decided to divorce and was in the process of it. I tried to be aware of my husbands feelings, but this was all because of him... he did it, he made the choices, he should be held accountable.
To be continued below.... post is too long lol
In the end, and this is what I've learned these past 2 years.... this is about YOU, Jane, and your healing. If you feel the need to share this with your brother (and maybe other privileged people) you should be able to do so. You don't need your husbands permission. He is the one making decisions that effect and hurt you.... Sooooo many women/couples are going through this.... it's not something that's as shocking as I thought it was. At the end of the day Jane, people (on the outside) really don't worry about other people's problems because they have their own crap to deal with... They will feel bad and they'll think about it for maybe the evening and then, the next day, they've forgotten about it. Your closest friends and family members, however, DO care and want what's best for you..... So, if you're looking for support because YOU need it.... and you feel you can entrust someone with this information and the role of being a listening ear to you, you should be able to tell....
ReplyDeleteI highly doubt you want pity. I don't believe that for one second.... I think you're just justifying that so you feel guilty for wanting to tell someone... because it will hurt your husband. I've read your posts.... almost every one.... you don't seem like a woman who wants pity. I think you are needing support- besides this anonymous stuff... and that is OK. It's ok to want to talk to someone who has YOUR best interest at heart. And you should be able to do that without guilt. This is not your addiction.... this is HIS addiction.... and you, unfortunately, get to live with it and all of it's pain and destruction. Sad.
None of my friends thought less of my husband when they found out... in fact, they all reached out to him in their own ways at first. In fact, no one thought he was a bad guy... they felt bad for him.... but the way he treated me after it all came out is what they were most disappointed about. My family, too, felt bad for him. They were livid because of the lies and recklessness but mostly by the way he treated me afterwards, not the porn.
The most concerning statement my husband made was this
"Who did you tell the full details to?" he asked...
"Why does that matter?" I returned
"So I know who I can look in the eye or not..."
This is how I knew he was not in recovery... until he could admit the problem, face what he had done and accept that this is who he was, hitting rock bottom and clawing his way out was not possible.
This whole secrecy thing just really bothers me... they feed on it... the look good from the outside but no one knows the truth of what's consuming them.
My heart aches for you Jane... I wish we could meet up and talk... Heavenly Father is aware... he is... but you're a human, you're a woman, you're a victim of your husbands behaviors.... it's ok to want to share this with someone who loves you... not just strangers at group or your bishop. If I've learned anything in all this it's that blood is thicker than water... you need to do what you need to do for YOUR healing. Period. Not because your worried what people will think about your husband... that's the consequences for making the choices he's making.
Sorry if this is an overload and too pushy... my heart just breaks for you. I can't imagine living with my husbands addiction... I couldn't do it.
I think of you often girl... XOXOXOXO Hang in there
I wanted to clarify about my last sentence about living with my husbands addiction... In no way am I saying you should leave... and that I couldn't live with mu husband because he had an addiction. I should have been more specific by saying I can't imagine living with my husbands addiction in 'secrecy'. That's what I meant by that.
ReplyDeleteBig huge hugs! You're so much stronger than you know ;)
J- I'm always so flattered when you come here and read and comment. I feel like you're the pioneer of this genre of blogs. I admire you tremendously. And I wish we COULD get together. I know we would be fast friends.:)
ReplyDeleteAfter talking extensively with my counselor on the subject I have discovered that I have some major issues with self-pity. I'm going to post about it tonight! This isn't a struggle for everyone, but it is for me. I don't feel guilty about wanting to tell someone, I hope that someday I can because I don't think it is wrong to do so. But for now I know I'll be okay if I don't.
Thanks for reminding me I am strong, sometimes I feel so weak. **HUGS** right back, hope you're doing well!