01 February 2012

the nitty gritty

One of my biggest frustrations about blogs is that they leave so much out.  I am always left wanting for more details.  Even at group meetings I am dying to ask everyone-

"So what is your day to day like? How do you live?"

I appreciate everyone's optimism at the meetings, and especially their tears during the rough times. But no one ever says how things go from day to day.

Since this blog is anonymous I can share this information freely.  If it bores you- certainly don't waste your time. But an average day for Pete and I might look something like this:

Pete wakes up - he gets up early enough to read his scriptures before work.  He's much better at scripture study than I am.  You might say he needs to be, but I need it too. He usually gives me a kiss on the forehead before he leaves if I'm still in bed.  Otherwise a "See ya."  When things aren't going well it's nothing- and that gets me all worried.

I'm busy enough with small children that during the morning hours I don't think much about what he's doing or how he's doing.  In the afternoon I wonder, but I don't worry much unless I know he's in the middle of a tempting time period.  Those time periods come every 2-3 months and last about a week, sometimes two or three. 

He goes to lunch with his dad, almost once a week and I'm always dying to know what they talk about, and Pete is mostly willing to share, but sometimes neither of us make it a priority to talk about it.

When he gets home from work I try to meet him at the door, but unfortunately it's still a bit awkward for me to initiate affection.  (Enter: Counselor, she is helping me with this.) Our hugs are sometimes a little forced, but not always, and again- I think this is improving. 

Before the last couple weeks (since my counseling appt) we were mediocre at best at making time for conversation.  We would both usually prefer to watch a tv show or read a book.  We try to go to bed at the same time- but that was tough for me. 

Bedtime gave me anxiety.  Once again, with the help of counseling this is getting better- but often I get into bed and wonder "Is he wanting/expecting sex?" I won't go into that right here- I'll save it for another post.  But bedtime has been a common battleground because when he gets disappointed I get resentful and arguments ensue.  Then we fall asleep with an iceberg between us.  Sometimes it's better in the morning, sometimes not. 

We still laugh together, we are still irritable sometimes.  We rarely pray together, I know we should but even when I remember, something stops me from speaking up about it.  He is very honest about what's going on in his head- when he's having trouble with his thoughts and when he's okay.  I still ask him occasionally, especially if I see warning signs (laziness, laying in bed longer than usual, general grumpiness.)

Naturally, each day is different depending on stress at work, the children's behavior, various evening activities.  Sometimes I long for a little more consistancy in my behavior and his.  I feel like he can be unpredictable, and sometimes I'm walking on eggshells to make sure I don't upset him.  But I've noticed recently that I'm a bit emotionally fragile myself, and I suppose he feels the same way, worrying that one wrong move will set me off into tears. 

But it also needs to be said that there are periods of time when he is thoughtful, kind and helpful.  Days will go by when we don't discuss problems because we don't feel them.  We are reminded the joy we feel when we make unselfish efforts and the ugliness of addiction is absent.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that right now we are living on a roller-coaster, each day is different.  And if you've ever really cleaned out your house, deep cleaned and purged it, you know that it sometimes gets messier before it gets better.  That's our day to day.


  1. After I first discovered my husband's relapse, things were so awkward. I didn't want him to touch me, I didn't want to talk to him, I kind of wanted to kill him (and not in a jokey way).

    When 2011 ended, we both just looked at each other and said, "This was a tough year". I'm surprised now to think about how much less frequently I think about his behavior. We are both much more honest than we ever have been before. As we went through counseling, we discovered that I have some addictive behaviors and that I need his help too. We are both working hard to tell each other when we are tempted to give in to our behaviors. We check in on each other pretty regularly.

    Still, every now and then, I can't help but wonder if he's lying - telling himself again that he can repent and not have to talk with me. I want to trust him 100%, but it's still so hard.

    1. Thank you so much for this comment. I know everyone reading this blog knows I'm here, but it's always nice for me to know there is someone out there too, that I'm not alone in these thoughts. Thanks for reading, and God bless!

    2. I agree, Anonymous. I still have moments where I wonder if he's lying. We're a work in progress.

  2. Although I ended up divorcing my husband because of his addiction to pornography, I was told by someone who was counseling me at the time not be surprised if I felt depressed or anxious whenever I heard the word pornography/porn mentioned. However, when I've done to help with my "recovery" is to do my best to educate people about the dangers of pornography and how easily one can be, addicted to it, especially via the Internet which makes porn so easily access all as well as so anonymously addictive. I just hope I can make a difference in the lives of those who are married or involved with porn addicts.

    1. Hi Dee. I've noticed that your profile takes us to an ad. Is this your business? Did you start it after your divorce? I'm just curious. (I'm actually not an advocate of trying to find porn on our computers, although I know lots of women think that will help--at one point in time I thought so, too.)

  3. Thank you for sharing this! It helps to remember that there are other people living this day to day. And it's also a reminder to everyone about how this dominates our thoughts and our lives, which makes me very sad. I'll do this same thing soon. We're in a pretty good place right now, so it will be a slightly different perspective.