the nitty gritty

One of my biggest frustrations about blogs is that they leave so much out.  I am always left wanting for more details.  Even at group meetings I am dying to ask everyone-

"So what is your day to day like? How do you live?"

I appreciate everyone's optimism at the meetings, and especially their tears during the rough times. But no one ever says how things go from day to day.

Since this blog is anonymous I can share this information freely.  If it bores you- certainly don't waste your time. But an average day for Pete and I might look something like this:

Pete wakes up - he gets up early enough to read his scriptures before work.  He's much better at scripture study than I am.  You might say he needs to be, but I need it too. He usually gives me a kiss on the forehead before he leaves if I'm still in bed.  Otherwise a "See ya."  When things aren't going well it's nothing- and that gets me all worried.

I'm busy enough with small children that during the morning hours I don't think much about what he's doing or how he's doing.  In the afternoon I wonder, but I don't worry much unless I know he's in the middle of a tempting time period.  Those time periods come every 2-3 months and last about a week, sometimes two or three. 

He goes to lunch with his dad, almost once a week and I'm always dying to know what they talk about, and Pete is mostly willing to share, but sometimes neither of us make it a priority to talk about it.

When he gets home from work I try to meet him at the door, but unfortunately it's still a bit awkward for me to initiate affection.  (Enter: Counselor, she is helping me with this.) Our hugs are sometimes a little forced, but not always, and again- I think this is improving. 

Before the last couple weeks (since my counseling appt) we were mediocre at best at making time for conversation.  We would both usually prefer to watch a tv show or read a book.  We try to go to bed at the same time- but that was tough for me. 

Bedtime gave me anxiety.  Once again, with the help of counseling this is getting better- but often I get into bed and wonder "Is he wanting/expecting sex?" I won't go into that right here- I'll save it for another post.  But bedtime has been a common battleground because when he gets disappointed I get resentful and arguments ensue.  Then we fall asleep with an iceberg between us.  Sometimes it's better in the morning, sometimes not. 

We still laugh together, we are still irritable sometimes.  We rarely pray together, I know we should but even when I remember, something stops me from speaking up about it.  He is very honest about what's going on in his head- when he's having trouble with his thoughts and when he's okay.  I still ask him occasionally, especially if I see warning signs (laziness, laying in bed longer than usual, general grumpiness.)

Naturally, each day is different depending on stress at work, the children's behavior, various evening activities.  Sometimes I long for a little more consistancy in my behavior and his.  I feel like he can be unpredictable, and sometimes I'm walking on eggshells to make sure I don't upset him.  But I've noticed recently that I'm a bit emotionally fragile myself, and I suppose he feels the same way, worrying that one wrong move will set me off into tears. 

But it also needs to be said that there are periods of time when he is thoughtful, kind and helpful.  Days will go by when we don't discuss problems because we don't feel them.  We are reminded the joy we feel when we make unselfish efforts and the ugliness of addiction is absent.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that right now we are living on a roller-coaster, each day is different.  And if you've ever really cleaned out your house, deep cleaned and purged it, you know that it sometimes gets messier before it gets better.  That's our day to day.