My old sponsor that I shared my Step 4 with a long time ago texted me a couple weeks ago and asked if we could get together. I didn’t think much of it, and invited her over. I hadn’t seen in her in months, my group meeting attendance has waned big time and it seems like the times I go she isn’t there either. So she came, and we talked for three hours. It was really nice, she lives and breathes recovery and vulnerability. She is honest and wise. She asked me about how my recovery work was going and I said that I felt like I’d made good progress but I’d stalled out at Step 8/9 and never “finished” the 12 steps. She encouraged me to get back to it and talked me through some fears and excuses.
I still didn’t really think a lot of it. But the next morning I was dealing with some hard feelings related to something else, and all of the sudden all my recovery awareness and steps came flooding back to me. And it felt both familiar and peaceful, and a little nagging at the same time. The 12 steps have done so much for me, and I’ve let them slip out of my life. Self-awareness is really hard and painful, but it is also the absolute key to my inner peace and self-confidence. Self-awareness is like a window into grace and the doorway to a clear conscience. Taking responsibility for the way I contribute to any misery and frustration in my life is the best way for me to get out from under said frustration. Own my stuff, surrender the rest. Relinquish my efforts to control outcomes and perceptions, let go of pride and love people.
I had a good talk with my therapist about the ways I try to control things in my life and he gave me some good insights. Sometimes it’s easier to forget my codependency, to live in everyone else’s behaviors and victimize or criticize. But it’s the way I used to live and I don’t want to be that person anymore.
It’s always been easy for me to be complacent when Pete is doing well. But I feel like I've made progress surrendering him to God. But there are dozens of other relationships in my life that would benefit from the kind of acceptance and recovery that I’ve worked so hard to apply to my marriage.
Here I go again.