24 July 2013

Insanity Returns

Morocco - Cavallo13
I had a horrible nightmare last night. I was at Pete’s office and there were pictures of Jennifer Aniston all over his walls.  But they were photographs, like he knew her personally and he had developed them from his own camera.  There was a third person in the room with us, but I can’t remember who it was.  Pete was pulling the pictures off the wall and it felt awkward and embarrassing in the room. He made some jokes about it, and then he randomly poured his paper cup of root beer on my shoes.  The next thing I knew we were at home, talking about the pictures.  I was lying in bed and he climbed on top of me.  He started groping me.  I begged him to get away, to leave me alone but he just laughed and told me to “lighten up.”

When I woke up I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming.  My response was visceral and I felt violated and abused.  I cried my tears into the pillow for a few moments and took deep breaths until my mind accustomed to reality and I fell asleep again. 

Pete has never been forceful or abusive.  That is not in him.  He doesn’t operate from power or brute strength.  I have no blame toward Pete for that dream.

It is my subconscious I blame.  And my subconscious blames my conscious.  And my conscious blames my insanity. 

I have to let go of the fear.  I have to.  Insanity would have me believe that the worst case scenario is even worse than my conscious can imagine.  Insanity would have me believe that my circumstances are incapable of offering me peace and a meaningful, joyful existence.  I’ve been letting insanity hang around too long.  Insanity wore out her welcome. Again.
It's not easy to shrug off the kind of pain that comes from a dysfunctional marriage. And I have no intention of shrugging off any of my pain.  But I know I need to work through it.  The only way is through. And on the other side of the pain is the place where I can start to feel gratitude and joy again.  The place where I banish Insanity and all her drama, and allow myself to feel optimism and appreciation.  The place where I make a key lime pie and attempt to practice vulnerability.


  1. That is a horrible dream! I'm praying for you. The insanity is a bad friend. You'll overcome this. I know you will!

  2. I live it too. I have blamed myself for my husband's problem for years and it has almost destroyed me. He allowed me to take the blame. It is only very recently that I have learned that his addiction is his problem which I cannot fix. You need to develop a stronger "I" and learn to separate yourself from " his" problem. Set boundaries for your emotional and mental safety. It is not okay for his addiction to trample on you.

    1. Thank you anon. Fortunately I have learned about boundaries, and now I find that it is mostly my own fears that trample me. I'm glad you've come to the place you have too, that you no longer blame yourself.

  3. I've got the most delicious recipe!